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Original poster

My mum said she wants to be at birth to "experience it" again?

68 replies

Ekat194 · 20/07/2021 12:07

Last night after a bit of an argument (she doesn't want myself or my partner leaving the house again, even to do an essential food shop, until the baby is born to minimise catching covid), my mum said she wants to be at the birth to "experience the feelings and emotions that she will never get to again". I've interpreted this as she only wants to come as a benefit to herself and feeling like she's having a baby again rather than wanting to be a support to myself, partner and the baby. Does anyone else see it this way or am I just being negative and seeing something that isn't there?

OP posts:
StepladderToHeaven · 20/07/2021 12:09

Weird thing to say. That would be a no from me!

TooMuchPaper · 20/07/2021 12:10

Say no.

eatingpopcorn · 20/07/2021 12:10

The most important person in the room during your labour experience is you. I wouldn't have anyone there who is anything but 100% there to support you. Absolutely a no from me based on this strange comment.

Vetyveriohohoh · 20/07/2021 12:11

Are you living with her?

Comedycook · 20/07/2021 12:11

She's had her baby/babies. It's your turn now. Don't have her there if you don't want to

Sheisfee · 20/07/2021 12:11

Noooooo.

FluffMagnet · 20/07/2021 12:12

What she "wants" is neither here nor there. It is what you want and need. The fact she is trying to control and dictate your movements right now is a worry to me, as whilst it is doubtless coming from a place of concern, she sees her opinion as overriding yours. Not what you want in a birth partner!

Ivy48 · 20/07/2021 12:12

I feel that she’ll make the experience all about her.
Say no. It’s about you and your new experience as a mother not her. This is her new experience as a grandmother, such an odd thing to say

Just10moreminutesplease · 20/07/2021 12:13

That is beyond weird. The only reason she should offer, not demand, to be there is to support you.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/07/2021 12:15

What FluffMagnet said. She should not be telling you what to do: presumably you're an adult? Even if you're not, you do not want to put yourself in a situation where you and the baby are not the absolute total focus of the event!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/07/2021 12:16

By telling you what to do, i meant the staying in the house thing, if that wasn't clear.

ShagMeRiggins · 20/07/2021 12:18

She might mean the joy of watching a child being born—it’s often glorious and exceptional, I for one, still weep buckets like a fool of I happen upon an episode of One Born Every Minute—but her only role there should be as a support to you and your partner.

Basically, I’d ask what she means and is hoping to get from being there.

There’s a part of me that would like to be there to help my daughter in any way possible during future possible pregnancy and childbirth but she’s only 14 and I’m sure she’ll have her own preferences, which I will respect, should the time ever come for her.

All that aside, unless your mother is willing to do all the running around for you, I don’t see why she gets a say in your day-to-day life, with or without Covid. It’s infantilising.

Are you an especially tight knit family?

Original poster
Ekat194 · 20/07/2021 12:21

Yes, both my partner and I are living with my parents at the moment.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 12:23

Yeah that’s a weird thing to say, I’d ask her to explain.

CoastalWave · 20/07/2021 12:24

Christ no. Utterly weird thing. My MIL tried to do this. She also made an entire nursery in her house (I don't mean just a cot, I mean she had the whole thing redecorated ready to welcome 'her' new baby) .

It didn't end well!

You don't get to experience it again - its YOUR experience.

RoseAndGeranium · 20/07/2021 12:24

I find this profoundly weird. Offering to be there to support you and back up your birth choices if you wanted that would be nice. Expecting to use your birth, which may be great or may be more difficult, to relive her own is just selfish. I think she needs to take a bit of a step back!

Howshouldibehave · 20/07/2021 12:28

Another thread where a couple expecting a baby are living with her parents and don’t like how the living situation is panning out for them.

You need to move out and make your own rules and decisions-you can’t change your mum. I presume that answer to this is you can’t afford to and are now dependent on your mum’s goodwill?

Cosybelles · 20/07/2021 12:28

Just no! How soon can you move out? It's not up to someone else if/when you leave the house and you can judge for yourself what level of risk you are comfortable with, re: covid.

Original poster
Ekat194 · 20/07/2021 12:28

We're both adults, 26 and 29 and not an overly tight knit family. Another playing factor is she's actually my step-mum since I was 10, she always wanted a daughter as a baby but had 2 sons and my baby is a girl so I feel that plays a big part in her attitude towards the birth, as in she feels the baby will be hers in a way hence the really weird comments about experiencing it.

OP posts:
strawberrydonuts · 20/07/2021 12:29

@Ekat194

Last night after a bit of an argument (she doesn't want myself or my partner leaving the house again, even to do an essential food shop, until the baby is born to minimise catching covid), my mum said she wants to be at the birth to "experience the feelings and emotions that she will never get to again". I've interpreted this as she only wants to come as a benefit to herself and feeling like she's having a baby again rather than wanting to be a support to myself, partner and the baby. Does anyone else see it this way or am I just being negative and seeing something that isn't there?
Sounds like emotions are running very high... to be expected in the run up to a new baby!

I don't know the ins and outs, but from your post it sounds like she is excited but yes, she's not really thinking about you here.

That is just how some people are.

But what is lovely is that she is so excited about your child/ her grandchild being born - at least she is showing an interest and wants to be involved - that is a good thing.

If you don't want her there then just gently explain to her that you are not having people attending the birth but she can see the baby asap once you are home from the hospital (or whenever you're ready to have visitors)

It's about asserting your needs and boundaries but doing so in a way that doesn't reject her - because she is having a lot of feelings about it all too, by the sound of it!

TakeYourFinalPosition · 20/07/2021 12:30

Ooff. It’d be a no from me.

It might be a non event anyway, most hospitals are only allowing one birth partner due to Covid, and mine has said they don’t expect that to change this year.

Will you be living there when the baby comes? It sounds like this has a lot of potential to get awkward.

HellonHeels · 20/07/2021 12:31

@Howshouldibehave

Another thread where a couple expecting a baby are living with her parents and don’t like how the living situation is panning out for them.

You need to move out and make your own rules and decisions-you can’t change your mum. I presume that answer to this is you can’t afford to and are now dependent on your mum’s goodwill?

Whatever the living arrangements it doesn't mean OPs mum has the right to be at the birth!
5zeds · 20/07/2021 12:33

I’d say thank you for the offer but “no”, and you’d love to see her the next day. Then brief your midwife who will defend you.

Bibidy · 20/07/2021 12:34

I don't think it's that weird??

My nan wanted to be there when my mum had me, although my mum said no. She wanted to see her grandchild born and be there for her daughter I guess.

Some people will agree to be a birth partner just in order to help out, but others might have their own reasons for wanting to be there alongside that.

However, I wouldn't have her there unless you already wanted her there to support you.

Original poster
Ekat194 · 20/07/2021 12:37

Yes, will be living here once baby comes due to continual saving. Separate issue is I work for my father's business on minimum wage so don't financially earn enough to get a high enough mortgage despite having substantial savings, and my partners hours have just been cut. :(

I think I need to explain she can't be there but as strawberrydonuts said, in a way that she doesn't feel rejected cos that will just be a whole other shit storm. It's nice she cares and I do feel it's coming from a place of concern but it's also about her personal gain rather than experience for us. Plus if I'm even in two minds about her there anyway then that means I don't really want her there otherwise I'd just say yes regardless. Thanks everyone, it really is helpful reading these comments xx

OP posts: