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Original poster

My mum said she wants to be at birth to "experience it" again?

68 replies

Ekat194 · 20/07/2021 12:07

Last night after a bit of an argument (she doesn't want myself or my partner leaving the house again, even to do an essential food shop, until the baby is born to minimise catching covid), my mum said she wants to be at the birth to "experience the feelings and emotions that she will never get to again". I've interpreted this as she only wants to come as a benefit to herself and feeling like she's having a baby again rather than wanting to be a support to myself, partner and the baby. Does anyone else see it this way or am I just being negative and seeing something that isn't there?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 20/07/2021 12:40

Why are you living there? TBH it never ceases to amaze me the amount of couples who are still living with their parents and expecting a baby and seem to think that this experience is theirs alone.

While I think that your SM hasn’t phrased it well and I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with it, you are expecting to bring a baby into their house and still want this all to be all about you.

And tbh I think her point about COVID is valid. If you catch COVID who do you think will be left to look after the baby?

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 20/07/2021 12:40

If you want her there then its nice she wants to be there. If you don't then say no. Not sure her reasons matter.

AnotherEmma · 20/07/2021 12:40

You need to move out ASAP.

Wombat64 · 20/07/2021 12:41

Fuck that...

Howshouldibehave · 20/07/2021 12:44

Why are you living there? TBH it never ceases to amaze me the amount of couples who are still living with their parents and expecting a baby and seem to think that this experience is theirs alone.

I completely agree. It bemuses me there are so many people on here who are still living in their parents house but expect their parents to have no opinions about anything under their roof, and to abide by the OP’s own rules!

If you want to be the one making the rules, get your own house.

YelloYelloYello · 20/07/2021 12:48

Yes, will be living here once baby comes due to continual saving. Separate issue is I work for my father's business on minimum wage so don't financially earn enough to get a high enough mortgage despite having substantial savings, and my partners hours have just been cut.

Rent.

Seriously, owning a home isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And in this situation being in your own place far, far outweighs staying there just to save.

Bellringer · 20/07/2021 12:50

Run, get out, rent somewhere. Madness, can only get worse. And find another job, hope you get maternity leave. What does your partner and dad say? Really bonkers

Lalliella · 20/07/2021 12:51

No no no no no. And again no. That is beyond weird. It’s completely intrusive. If you don’t want to hurt her feelings tell her you can only have your partner there because of Covid.

Lalliella · 20/07/2021 12:54

Weird how many posters here seem to think that just because you live in her house she’s entitled to come to the birth. The 2 things are totally different and separate.

Hotcuppatea · 20/07/2021 12:56

Listen to your gut on this OP. You know that she's lining herself up to tred all over your boundaries. She's already telling you that you shouldn't leave the house. Next it will be that she disagrees with how you're caring for the baby.

Unfortunately, there is a confrontational brewing with her. The only question is when you have it. Now, before the baby comes or in 6 months time when she's telling you not to breastfeed so she can help you more, suggesting the baby sleeps with her, commenting on your choice of baby clothes, etc.

This conversation can be had now in a calm and loving way. But if you wait until you're tired and under loads of stress, it's far more likely to come out in a way you regret.

RaininSummer · 20/07/2021 12:59

Sounds very odd. I wonder if she will turn into one of those weird grandmother's who act like the baby is their own.

Maggiesfarm · 20/07/2021 13:03

@StepladderToHeaven

Weird thing to say. That would be a no from me!
Same here. Bizarre.
30degreesandmeltinghere · 20/07/2021 13:06

Offer to give her a good kick in the fanjo as you leave for the hospital.
If she wants the full pain experience..

.

saraclara · 20/07/2021 13:10

Absolutely no. And don't, for goodness' sake, sound anything other than entirely sure, strong and positive when you tell her. Leave even a chink of uncertainty or apology, and she'll prise it wide open. This is your birth and you and your partner's baby. Not hers.

Honestly, is there anywhere else you could live? Because she is going to make this baby her own if you continue to live there.

burritofan · 20/07/2021 13:11

Deeply weird. Punch her in the cervix if she really feels like she’s missing out.

JungleBeats · 20/07/2021 13:13

@burritofan Grin

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 20/07/2021 13:14

Say no and rent!
You don’t need much space at all in the early months.

Curlymam88 · 20/07/2021 13:14

It would be a 'no because of covid' from me.

saraclara · 20/07/2021 13:15

I can guarantee she'll be no support to you and your partner. She'll take over and both the birth and the post natal period will be all about her.

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 13:16

“I think I need to explain she can't be there but as strawberrydonuts said, in a way that she doesn't feel rejected cos that will just be a whole other shit storm.”

I actually don’t think you need to be overly nice. Be kind of course but make sure you are direct and firm. “We’ve decided it will just be me abs OH I’m the room for the labour.” If she questions it state “I am only comfortable having my oh at the birth. You can see the baby x time after birth.”

If you aren’t firm and hold boundaries now, then I worry that she will overstep boundaries when the baby is here (do things like give baby food when she thinks she’s ready etc). Once you let a few things go holding the boundaries is harder.

The housing situation does make it more difficult and it would be easier if you weren’t living with them or reliant on them. However you living with her does not means she gets to over step boundaries about the birth/baby/baby’s care.

saraclara · 20/07/2021 13:16

...also you are grown adults and she absolutely does not dictate whether or not you leave the house. This is all madness.

burritofan · 20/07/2021 13:16

If you want to be the one making the rules, get your own house.
Ahahahaha that is not now, nor has it ever been, how birth partners, or in this case witnesses, have been decided. “Oh, you’re renting? Have you thought about whether you’d prefer your partner or your landlord at the birth? Perhaps housemates? Maybe the family cat, too. After all, you don’t make the rules!”

TakeYourFinalPosition · 20/07/2021 13:19

Yes, will be living here once baby comes due to continual saving. Separate issue is I work for my father's business on minimum wage so don't financially earn enough to get a high enough mortgage despite having substantial savings, and my partners hours have just been cut

Do you have other job opportunities?
Could you afford to rent?

Honestly, Covid is probably going to take care of this one, especially if you're due this year. It's unlikely that you'll be allowed more than one birth partner, and most places don't seem to be allowing visitors either.

But overall, you're in a very sensitive position when it comes to your parents. Your Dad employs you, and your step-mum is already feeling a bit overbearing about the baby... Living at home sounds like it could be a recipe for disaster, even before you add in a crying baby and hormones.

I'd be looking for solutions here. The easiest way is probably going to be to stay working for your dad, but go rent somewhere - use any excuse if you have to, say that you want to be a proper "family" before the baby arrives and live just the three of you. Then you can change jobs down the line, if you want to.

But as it is, I'd be worried.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/07/2021 13:20

@Ekat194

Yes, will be living here once baby comes due to continual saving. Separate issue is I work for my father's business on minimum wage so don't financially earn enough to get a high enough mortgage despite having substantial savings, and my partners hours have just been cut. :(

I think I need to explain she can't be there but as strawberrydonuts said, in a way that she doesn't feel rejected cos that will just be a whole other shit storm. It's nice she cares and I do feel it's coming from a place of concern but it's also about her personal gain rather than experience for us. Plus if I'm even in two minds about her there anyway then that means I don't really want her there otherwise I'd just say yes regardless. Thanks everyone, it really is helpful reading these comments xx

Well yes, but do bear in mind that you are living there for your own - by your own words, substantial - personal gain as well. They aren't gaining by it any way other than the pleasure of having you and in time the baby there, after all.

I'd definitely be looking for another, better paid job once you're in the market for returning to work, though.

Regarding the birth, I think the One Birth Partner Only approach will be best 'as even if it changes by then, it could change back instantly and it would be horrible for you to be turned away at the hospital', as that saves her feelings, assuming that they are what sounds to be coming from a poorly expressed love, whilst still ensuring that a) she isn't there and b) you get to state your boundary firmly without causing a shit storm.

With the not leaving the house, I think again that's based upon care and love, but 'I will go absolutely insane if I can't leave the house for the next x weeks. I need it, we both do' could answer it. If you've followed the advice to be vaccinated, that will also help to alleviate her fears for you.

saraclara · 20/07/2021 13:20

When is the baby due? How long are you on house arrest for?

Seriously, I wouldn't be able to get out fast enough. Those thinking that you living in her house gives her rights to how you labour and whether or not leave the house, are surely not seious? She doesn't own you and she certainly doesn't own your labour and your baby.