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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I’m 33 and want to get pregnant, Husband isn’t ready. Advice?

53 replies

laurenaimee20 · 17/07/2021 13:09

I hope this is in the right place? As the title suggests, I’m 33, approaching 34 next February and my want for a baby is causing real issues in our marriage. My Husband is 37.

In fairness to my Husband we’ve always been on the same page about not wanting children. However, when I turned 33 in Feb, I completely changed my mind and asked him how he felt about becoming first time parents.

He was originally open to the idea and actually said he would be ready to ttc next year (2022) which I was understandably anxious but really happy about at the same time.

We then had a few further (more serious) discussions about it and we decided I’d have my mirena coil removed in October of this year, which would give my body a few months to return to its normal cycle before ttc.

Now he’s changed his mind, has told me he’s not ready and doesn’t believe our relationship is strong enough to withhold the stress of a child. I understand this is a HUGE decision and it’s likely he needs more time to process it. However, I’m gutted as I thought we’d made a decision to start trying in 6 months time. When I told him how I felt he said he never made a decision to ttc, it was me who made the decision. That’s certainly not how it was, as we had multiple conversations, even down to the month we’d start ttc and discussing how we’d stay in our current house as we have more than enough space for a baby.

I got some news yesterday that there’s a pregnancy in my family and it hit me hard. I was really upset and I told my Husband why I was upset, but he didn’t offer any support, just simply left the house for a dog walk.

This is causing relationship issues as I’m feeling resentful towards him. I’m worried that if I continue to stay married to him, I won’t have the opportunity of becoming a mother. My age is against me here and I’m really feeling the pressure.

I don’t know what to do for the best. Part of me feels like I’m wasting my time as we don’t have the same long term goals. I’ve read so many stories about women wasting their fertile years, ending in a breakup, only for the man to then impregnate someone else.

I do understand this probably sounds quite erratic. We’ve been together 13 years and I only told him I wanted to ttc 5 months ago. I understand having a baby is a huge decision and will change our lives forever, so he’s perfectly entitled to take his time on this; but I just have a feeling it’s not something he really wants. I’d hate to get to my 35th birthday and still be in the same position.

I’m really struggling to want to give him affection at the moment with the resentment building up. What should I do? Am I being really unreasonable?

OP posts:

VodselForDinner · 17/07/2021 13:15

Yes, you’re being unreasonable to push somebody into having a child when they don’t want it.

You’re also being unreasonable in considering bringing a child into a troubled relationship that sounds like it may not survive.

Elune · 17/07/2021 13:18

Why does he think your relationship isn't strong enough?

I don't think YABU to be upset but also he is not BU to not want a child. The issue is now whether you are happy to stay with him and not have a child and whether you can live with that, or whether it's a deal-breaker for the relationship and you leave now while you have a chance to find someone else who does want children because it's too important to you.

Ghosttile · 17/07/2021 13:18

’we’ve always been on the same page about not wanting children.’

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with him about whether he actually wants children. You’ve changed your mind but it sounds like he hasn’t. It’s very unfair of him to say in 6 months or in 12 months if he genuinely doesn’t want them. It buys him time but, for you, it only builds resentment and wastes your time as women have a limited window of fertility.

It’s only when you know what he actually wants -which may well be to stay in a relationship with you and never have children - that you can start thinking about what you want to do.

Popcornbetty · 17/07/2021 13:20

Oh op I'm so sorry. I think the pp was a little harsh here. I feel it was unfair of your dh to agree to start ttc and then change his mind and expect you not to be upset. Your clock is ticking and the urge to have a child doesn't just go away.
I think you need to sit down and express your strong desire to have a child with your dh and if he isn't on the same page think about parting ways. Something like this is a deal breaker and if you stay with dh it will cause you to resent him.

Sheisfee · 17/07/2021 13:20

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Biology, evolution & instinct are all making you feel this way and it’s a very strong and also very normal and healthy.

It’s up to you though, do you want a baby enough to end your marriage? That wouldn’t make you a bad person - you live only once. I personally would leave a relationship for a baby because I know what it is to be broody.

You’re allowed to get what you want in life, you don’t need to struggle and miss out on living just to make someone else happy.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/07/2021 13:22

I'd be more bothered about the fact he thinks the marriage isnt strong. Has emerged explained what he meant by this comment?

But at the end of the day, if he doesnt want, he doesnt want.

BunnyBerries · 17/07/2021 13:26

You've said it yourself that resentment is building for you over this issue.

It sounds like you may need a break completely away from each other for a little bit, to give each other both time to decide on your own, what makes / will make you happy. Otherwise you will continue to pressure him on this, every week and every month - as you are getting older. If he does go on to have a child with you after feeling pressured, he will forever bring it up weekly and yearly when things get difficult (and times get very difficult with a child). If he feels your relationship isn't strong enough, do you think he is right?

Orf1abc · 17/07/2021 13:26

I feel it was unfair of your dh to agree to start ttc and then change his mind and expect you not to be upset

It's always OK to change your mind, especially when you've been coerced into it in the first place.

carwashthecat · 17/07/2021 13:27

This won’t be a popular opinion... but .. here goes.. either end your relationship with him.. or .. if you think he may be good father/DNA material.. get pregnant by him.. then finish your relationship with him .. and go it alone.. been here done it .. and left it too late whilst a partner flip flops around .. wasting time

TheDaydreamBelievers · 17/07/2021 13:29

I think neither of you are being unreasonable. You need to have a long think yourself then an honest discussion with him. The Q for you is "do I want a baby enough to end my marriage over it". The discussion with him is "do you honestly want a baby, I know we both previously didnt, its okay to not want one (and you need to say but I do, if thats what you decide)." Wishing you all the best. x

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 17/07/2021 13:39

Try not to worry, your age is not against you at 33. I get your concern but it isn't really fair to be nagging someone into having a kid when they aren't ready.

SaveWaterDrinkGin · 17/07/2021 13:44

has told me he’s not ready and doesn’t believe our relationship is strong enough to withhold the stress of a child.

I really feel for you OP but the comment above makes me think this isn’t going to end well either way. What a really weird thing for him to say about your marriage. It’s a huge red flag.

You both need to put your cards on the table and be honest and I think you need to be prepared to end your marriage.

Sheisfee · 17/07/2021 13:45

I just want to reiterate that this is YOUR life! If you want a kid then that is absolutely fine. You’re not a nag, you’re not a nuisance, you’re not unreasonable. You are allowed to have hopes and dreams and you’re allowed to leave someone if they get in the way of them.

There are plenty of people that would love to have a child with you or there are other ways that you can have a baby.

Chelyanne · 17/07/2021 13:49

You are not being unreasonable. He can't agree to ttc then do a complete U-turn, that is cruel. Tbh I think your relationship has most likely reached it's end as you both want different things. If you wait around in the hope he'll change his mind you could be that person you spoke of who wasted their fertile years.

GlitterBiscuits · 17/07/2021 13:52

In what way does he think your relationship isn't strong enough?

This is probably far more important than your desire for a baby at the moment.

I'd hate to hear that

SinkGirl · 17/07/2021 13:55

He’s not unreasonable to not want a baby, but totally unreasonable to string you along and wait out your fertility. The comments about your relationship are also a big worry. You need some serious discussions and then to make some serious decisions that are right for you.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 17/07/2021 13:55

@Chelyanne

It's not the H that's done a u-turn though, it's the op. They were always on the same page before op changed her mind.

He doesn't want children op. This is one area where there are no compromises I'm afraid.

And please don't get pregnant anyway like one person advised.

DinosaurDiana · 17/07/2021 13:57

If he doesn’t want one and you do, you need to end the marriage and find someone you love who does want a child with you.
Don’t take too long thinking it over.

ChequerBoard · 17/07/2021 13:58

Same as PP - why is he saying your relationship isn't strong enough? He is right in that having a baby is the ultimate test of your relationship, even when you are both committed to having a child.

I would need to unpack that comment - it doesn't sound like he thinks your relationship is viable long term. That would be a bigger issue to me and I wouldn't consider TTC with him until that was addressed.

Ohpulltheotherone · 17/07/2021 13:58

@Chelyanne

Of course he can do a uturn. He doesn’t have to go ahead with the life changing decision of having a baby if he’s not completely sure it’s what he wants. It would intolerably cruel to keep quiet, let OP get pregnant, have a baby then decide that life is not for him. Leaving OP alone and a child without a present dad.

OP you told your husband for 13 years you didn’t want children and now within 5 months you’re expecting him to be completely doubt free and committed to an idea he never wanted in the first place. You’re being highly unreasonable to place any blame at his door - you changed your mind, which is perfectly fine - but you must face up to the fact your husband may never want what you want.

He could be saying your relationship isn’t strong enough as a bit of an excuse to get out of the bigger conversation.

You need to both sit down and be really REALLY honest about his commitment to the idea of children. If he’s not completely bought into it then that’s your answer.

Then you have a decision to make if you accept being child free or you separate.

But claiming he isn’t within his right to change his mind at any point or that it’s unreasonable of him is not on.

Imagine the other way around….no one would be defending a man who is trying to coerce a woman into getting pregnant against her wishes

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2021 14:00

Your post is all about you and what you want, isn't it? For 13 years both you and your husband agreed to never having children, now you've just decided you desperately want a baby and are upset he he isn't fully on board. Good grief. Your husband probably feels like he's been hit by a lorry, of course he's wavering. He's stuck between making you happy with something he doesn't want or losing the marriage. He definitely needs to be more direct but I can understand how he must feel, he's in a lose/lose situation.

If you want a baby, fine, but leave your husband then. I think it's pretty clear he is not wanting children and it's unfair to pressure him.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 17/07/2021 14:08

This had all happened really fast. Are you 100 % you actually want a child yourself? Not that you dont know yourself, it's just something to think about if you didnt and then from Febrauary to now you have totally swapped and wanted to start trying ASAP. And then for your DP he has gone from you agreeing on no kids to you saying you now do, talking about when to come off contraception and when to start trying all in the space of four or five months. That's a big thing. He might want a baby or he might still not but just becuase you now do he likely needs longer than four or five months to think about it for himself so it's good hes said so now and not just merrily let you come off contraception, get pregnant, and then spend the next 18 years telling you "Well you should change the nappies/feed it/get up at night and stay in every weekend becuase I didnt want the baby anyway, you did....". Tall to him again to see if he really does or doesnt want to even think about it, is it a 100 % no from him but he doesnt want to say so or is it something he really doesnt know and needs to think about, and then think yourself what you want, will you leave him if he says no and how long will you wait if he says yes or in the future, then set that as your time and dont wait until it's too late if you want a baby more than you want him but remember that you might not get one even if you leave him.

dottiedodah · 17/07/2021 14:14

I feel for you ,however getting pregnant/TTC when only one person wants a baby is not desirable .Has he given any reason ATM or does he not feel happy? You need to talk to him really .33 is not old but obv not as many fertile years left as you would like .Maybe your family news has hit a raw nerve.He may feel panicked .

BlueSurfer · 17/07/2021 14:16

I think you need to decide if you want to be with your husband and not have children or separate and have a child.

joystir59 · 17/07/2021 14:17

You should be focussing on his statement that your relationship isn't strong enough to withstand having a child. It seems your relationship has run its course as far as your partner is concerned. Time to move on OP.

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