I’m 33 and want to get pregnant, Husband isn’t ready. Advice?

[laurenaimee20]

I hope this is in the right place? As the title suggests, I’m 33, approaching 34 next February and my want for a baby is causing real issues in our marriage. My Husband is 37.

In fairness to my Husband we’ve always been on the same page about not wanting children. However, when I turned 33 in Feb, I completely changed my mind and asked him how he felt about becoming first time parents.

He was originally open to the idea and actually said he would be ready to ttc next year (2022) which I was understandably anxious but really happy about at the same time.

We then had a few further (more serious) discussions about it and we decided I’d have my mirena coil removed in October of this year, which would give my body a few months to return to its normal cycle before ttc.

Now he’s changed his mind, has told me he’s not ready and doesn’t believe our relationship is strong enough to withhold the stress of a child. I understand this is a HUGE decision and it’s likely he needs more time to process it. However, I’m gutted as I thought we’d made a decision to start trying in 6 months time. When I told him how I felt he said he never made a decision to ttc, it was me who made the decision. That’s certainly not how it was, as we had multiple conversations, even down to the month we’d start ttc and discussing how we’d stay in our current house as we have more than enough space for a baby.

I got some news yesterday that there’s a pregnancy in my family and it hit me hard. I was really upset and I told my Husband why I was upset, but he didn’t offer any support, just simply left the house for a dog walk.

This is causing relationship issues as I’m feeling resentful towards him. I’m worried that if I continue to stay married to him, I won’t have the opportunity of becoming a mother. My age is against me here and I’m really feeling the pressure.

I don’t know what to do for the best. Part of me feels like I’m wasting my time as we don’t have the same long term goals. I’ve read so many stories about women wasting their fertile years, ending in a breakup, only for the man to then impregnate someone else.

I do understand this probably sounds quite erratic. We’ve been together 13 years and I only told him I wanted to ttc 5 months ago. I understand having a baby is a huge decision and will change our lives forever, so he’s perfectly entitled to take his time on this; but I just have a feeling it’s not something he really wants. I’d hate to get to my 35th birthday and still be in the same position.

I’m really struggling to want to give him affection at the moment with the resentment building up. What should I do? Am I being really unreasonable?

What’s wrong with your marriage that he thinks it won’t survive a child?

How were things before you changed your mind and decided you wanted to be a mum?

I don’t think 5 months is long to get his head around you making such an enormous u turn. You and several people replying seem to think he’s intentionally dicking you around till you end up childless then he’ll knock up a 20 year old. Sure that happens but it’s a bit of a projection based on what you’ve said.

You’ve both agreed for 13 years on being childfree. You only changed your mind recently. You’re barrelling ahead with time frames and potential ultimatums. He’s still getting used to the idea.

You’re 33 not 43. You either want to stay married to him or you don’t.

But chill a bit. You’re not being erratic but you have to acknowledge you’re the one who’s changed and you need to calm down a bit.

Why do you need a child? The world is massively overpopulated. Having a child just because your getting older and you want to use your womb before it's too late is a crazy reason for having a child.

He's also said he doesn't want a child. You can't force him to want one.

If this post was a woman not wanting a child and a husband wanting one every reply would be LTB.

@Aquamarine1029

Your post is all about you and what you want, isn't it? For 13 years both you and your husband agreed to never having children, now you've just decided you desperately want a baby and are upset he he isn't fully on board. Good grief. Your husband probably feels like he's been hit by a lorry, of course he's wavering. He's stuck between making you happy with something he doesn't want or losing the marriage. He definitely needs to be more direct but I can understand how he must feel, he's in a lose/lose situation.

If you want a baby, fine, but leave your husband then. I think it's pretty clear he is not wanting children and it's unfair to pressure him.

This ⬆️

Honest, hard conversations needed. Unfortunate that you had a big change of heart after marriage and that he initially agreed, but now seems to be signalling that he doesn’t want DC.

If he doesn’t want DC, or it’s clear he’d resent you for it, would break up in order to have the opportunity to have DC with someone else.

Wouldn’t wait around to see if he changes his mind. Especially since he’s revealed doubts about your relationship.

None of us can know your fertility situation: plenty of us have experienced fertility problems at younger than 33, and plenty had DC older, In general, men can become bio parents older, so your H has far more options there than you do.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Why do you need a child? The world is massively overpopulated. Having a child just because your getting older and you want to use your womb before it's too late is a crazy reason for having a child.

Because she just fancies having a DC? Most people simply get pregnant because the thought of a family is 'nice'

if you want a baby, go ahead and get the coil removed - it may well take a while for your body to return to normal, as you say. Your fertility does dwindle after 35, and so whether you have a baby with him or someone else, it makes sense to be getting your body ready.
Meanwhile, is he likely to take over responsibility for contraception if he doesn't want a baby?
If he is 37 and not ready for a baby, and he doesn't think your relationship is strong enough, then maybe you'd be better off calling it a day and finding another partner.
I think lots of women are not bothered about having babies until they hit early 30's, at which point biology starts knocking loudly.
You might also want to have a fertility check just to see whether you do need to be conceiving fairly soon if you definitely want children.

It is worrying that he doesn't think your marriage is strong enough.

My fear would be that you stay childless, stay together for a while but end up splitting up by which time you'll be too old to meet someone else and start a family with them.

I'd cut my losses now. It's one thing to remain childless but in a secure marriage but quite another to sacrifice your chance at motherhood with a man who may well leave you at some point.

I'm sorry, I know that sounds blunt

laurenaimee20 it could be that your marriage will need to end. Obviously you're not unreasonable to realise that you do want a child after all and that your biological clock is ticking, and he isn't unreasonable not to want a child, but those two reasonable standpoints cannot reconcile without one party completely giving up what they want to do what the other wants - its one of the few situations when you cannot compromise of course.

Anyone gaslighting that they didn't say x when they clearly and in detail over the course of multiple conversations when both parties were calm and sober is unreasonable of course.

Couple's counseling to thrash it out and either get onto the same page or separate amicably is the only way I think. Women can't just hang around for years hoping that their male partner will eventually be ready of course, as just as you say he might be ready when you're 47 and have no real chance of getting pregnant, but he still has every chance of realising that you've grown apart then and being ready for fatherhood with a new, younger wife ...

If your marriage isn’t strong enough after 13 years then it’s never going to be.

You have massively changed the expectations of your marriage very quickly. Couples generally make the decision to have children or not as part when deciding if they are a good fit for marriage in the first place.

It’s not really surprising that the person who loves you tried to agree to the change to make you happy, but then realized it might be too much. The reality is that your marriage may not survive this upheaval. This would be a really good time to seek couples counseling so you can have someone help you talk through this issue effectively. The time pressure and the fact that neither of you wants to hurt the other person makes this very difficult.

doesn’t believe our relationship is strong enough to withhold the stress of a child.

Well, does he have a point? I don't think I'd bother wasting my time with someone if the relationship wasn't going to survive any tests.

Your the one who's changed here so I think your being unreasonable. It also sounds like it's a decision driven by fear of missing out becos your getting older when you were content before.

Do u actually want a child or are u just scared your going to miss the opportunity to have one ?

'If your marriage isn’t strong enough after 13 years then it’s never going to be.'

This exactly ^

*'feel it was unfair of your dh to agree to start ttc and then change his mind and expect you not to be upset

It's always OK to change your mind, especially when you've been coerced into it in the first place.''

Of course okay to change mind but not okay to not understand why op will be upset. The dh should not have agreed to it in the first place instead of playing with op's feelings regarding something he was never going to go through with. I don't feel op coerced him; he is a grown man and can say no which it seems now he is doing, only through excuses about the strength of the marriage.

No op yanbu at all to be upset, or to want a child suddenly after not wanting one before, no matter how other posters feel. Yanbu to want a baby. Yanbu to want a baby now because you feel its your last chance. Yanbu to talk to your husband about it. Yanbu to plan when it would happen then be devastated when he does a U turn and says actually no i dont want one. And yanbu to leave this marriage and find a way to become a mother either by finding someone else or donor conception. After 13 years and the fact hes told you he doesn't think your relationship is strong enough after 13 years is telling. You need to leave and do whats right for you.

So you have been together for 13 years, got married and “always been on the same page about not wanting children.” And now you have decided to move the goalposts.

Of course you’re entitled to change your mind about having children. But he is just as entitled not to change his, particularly as he married you on the basis that you weren’t going to have them.

If you can’t agree on a way forward to having children, you may have to agree that you now want different things from life and that this issue is a deal-breaker.

Good luck.

I wasted 15 years of my life with my exH constantly changing his mind about us having a Baby. He'd agree and then decide because we maybe had a debt of a hundred pounds we were putting it off for 6 months. At the time I was also about to start fertility treatments but he wouldn't do a sperm sample which meant it couldn't go ahead. In the end it was his DSis falling pregnant that put strain on our marriage and we decided to end it. I'm with someone else now and have managed to fall Pregnant 5 times naturally but unfortunately I haven't being able to carry the Pregnancies past 9 weeks. If you want a Baby that badly. You might have to decide whether it's worth staying in your marriage or leaving and finding someone else who does want children

This was me and my DH too. Been together 12 years both of us were very adamant that we didn't ever want children.
Got married at 30. Still didn't want children.
Later that same year something just seemed to change and 8d started to think... maybe I did. The feeling only got more intense in the end and I ended up sitting my DH down and having a Frank conversation with him about it. We had many follow on conversations and eventually started to explore his feelings but also explained my worries about my time starting to get shorter the longer we waited..it hadn't even crossed his mind that woman were time limited on pregnancy. Said he was scared.. and I went on to explain I was too and just talked through our feelings and fears..

..but we've also been strong togerher and able to talk about things openly. Eventually he agreed to TTC I was 33 then.. and I'm now 18 weeks pregnant and actually... he's been amazing. His lack of wanting kids were for him fear.. and planning ahead and sorting it out helped us. Obviously that's not the case for everyone. Some people just genuinely don't want children and that's fine. But you need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you and lay all the cards on the table so he can make an informed decision too. Good luck op. Its hard and stressful and such a bug decision to make.

Obviously Baby isn't here... but actually my DH had just been amazing about it all and actually dealt with actually being pregnant better than I felt I did in the end. He's still scared.. but he's also now starting to get excited. So some people do change their minds. X

** It's not the H that's done a u-turn though, it's the op. They were always on the same page before op changed her mind.

He doesn't want children op. This is one area where there are no compromises I'm afraid.**

^OP didn’t want children and nor did her husband. She has now changed her mind.

OP you got two options-

1. Accept his decision and have no kids
2. Get divorced and find someone else to have kids with.

I actually really feel for you …I didn’t read your post and think it was all about you I just read the despair you are feeling. I would be alarmed that your DH doesn’t think your relationship would survive if you have a baby. I would definitely have a very serious talk with him about your marriage. On a practical level I would have the coil removed in preparation for when you might want to conceive. 💐

Olidora. The last sentence of your post could be construed that the OP should remove her coil with a view to getting pregnant now with her DH. That is a crazy and very deceitful thing to do as he has clearly told her he doesn’t want kids. If she is still married to him then she definitely shouldn’t remove her coil unless he is on board with the decision. If they do break up then it’s not going to be a quick turnaround to get pregnant with someone else or via sperm donation so there is no need to remove her coil now.

@ carwashthecat are you suggesting tricking the guy and forcing him to become a father??? If so, this is an utterly disgraceful piece of advice!! Making someone become a parent when they don’t want to is awful. Presumably you’d expect maintenance etc and put a child in a situation where they may not have a father around. Shameful.

I would get out of this relationship ASAP. He clearly doesn't want children, and you do. That's a major incompatibility, and it will eat away at you if you stay.

Why do people use the 'the world is overpopulated, why do you want a child' line. It's bullshit. People die and are born everyday.
You can't change the way your body feels. I look after an 83 year old lady who wanted children but met her partner too late, I feel sad everyday for her, she still longs for a baby! It never goes away.
Op. Talk to your husband again. If he doesn't think he'll change his mind, and he doesn't think your relationship would withstand children (very odd thing to say) I'd say your relationship has run its course. Time to go separate ways.
Don't be that 83 year old lady wondering what if

So you agreed a long time ago that you didn't want children.

And then guess what happened, your biological clock started ticking and you changed your mind (funny that!).

You'll resent your husband forever if he doesn't want a baby with you. Your husband will resent you forever if you end up having a baby with him.