I’m 33 and want to get pregnant, Husband isn’t ready. Advice?

[laurenaimee20]

I hope this is in the right place? As the title suggests, I’m 33, approaching 34 next February and my want for a baby is causing real issues in our marriage. My Husband is 37.

In fairness to my Husband we’ve always been on the same page about not wanting children. However, when I turned 33 in Feb, I completely changed my mind and asked him how he felt about becoming first time parents.

He was originally open to the idea and actually said he would be ready to ttc next year (2022) which I was understandably anxious but really happy about at the same time.

We then had a few further (more serious) discussions about it and we decided I’d have my mirena coil removed in October of this year, which would give my body a few months to return to its normal cycle before ttc.

Now he’s changed his mind, has told me he’s not ready and doesn’t believe our relationship is strong enough to withhold the stress of a child. I understand this is a HUGE decision and it’s likely he needs more time to process it. However, I’m gutted as I thought we’d made a decision to start trying in 6 months time. When I told him how I felt he said he never made a decision to ttc, it was me who made the decision. That’s certainly not how it was, as we had multiple conversations, even down to the month we’d start ttc and discussing how we’d stay in our current house as we have more than enough space for a baby.

I got some news yesterday that there’s a pregnancy in my family and it hit me hard. I was really upset and I told my Husband why I was upset, but he didn’t offer any support, just simply left the house for a dog walk.

This is causing relationship issues as I’m feeling resentful towards him. I’m worried that if I continue to stay married to him, I won’t have the opportunity of becoming a mother. My age is against me here and I’m really feeling the pressure.

I don’t know what to do for the best. Part of me feels like I’m wasting my time as we don’t have the same long term goals. I’ve read so many stories about women wasting their fertile years, ending in a breakup, only for the man to then impregnate someone else.

I do understand this probably sounds quite erratic. We’ve been together 13 years and I only told him I wanted to ttc 5 months ago. I understand having a baby is a huge decision and will change our lives forever, so he’s perfectly entitled to take his time on this; but I just have a feeling it’s not something he really wants. I’d hate to get to my 35th birthday and still be in the same position.

I’m really struggling to want to give him affection at the moment with the resentment building up. What should I do? Am I being really unreasonable?

Aww bless, this is a hard one 😔 I had the same thing of thinking I didn’t want a child (partner wasn’t really bothered, wanted a child at some point I think) then one day I literally just woke up and a bomb had gone off in my head and I needed a baby and needed one now! Luckily my partner was all for it, I don’t think he’d of been so keen if it wasn’t for covid and the rest of our life, holidays etc being postponed basically. The number one thing you need to do is talk about it with him. You can’t both continue on potentially wanting opposite things or continue on resenting him for something he doesn’t want. He sounds like he might come round to the idea if he has expressed some interest in ttc before. It’s not like he’s said absolutely no way, not ever. Ask him when a good time to talk about it would be and sit down and properly discuss it. If he’s anything like my partner if you just start trying to discuss it at a random time he’ll be short tempered, not give it his attention and say I’m going on and on. Allocate a time when it would be suitable to discuss it and decide where both of you see yourselves in 1 year, 5 years etc. Hope you manage to work it out

Hello OP, I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

First of all I would like to make something very clear because I saw some harsh comments from pps.

It's our bodies, our lives and our decisions. You have the right to change your mind at any point, you just have to inform your partner and you did that.

Now it's time for your DH to think, decide and inform you about his choices and if his future goals have changed. At the same time you can be thinking about if your relationship is and will be enough for you - without any kids. If having a family is more important to you, then you will either meet someone with the same aspirations as you, or decide to become a single mum by choice (like I did because I am almost 40)

Personally I spent years and years believing my ex that he will become ready at some point. Now, I am starting my IVF journey with a sperm donor to become a single mum by choice.

I hope that you and your DH will find a solution and some common ground to this issue. I wish you all the best but please do not let anyone make you feel guilty or unreasonable for changing your mind on having kids. It's your prerogative (not to mention it's biology!)

Hi,
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this situation and be faced with some really difficult decisions. Everyone’s situation is different but I do believe deep down you’ll know what it is that you want regardless of how hard a decision it is to make. I was in a similar situation (not as long as you and we weren’t married), I was 27 and with my then boyfriend (35). He always knew I wanted children from day one and said he did too. Years went by and whenever I started to bring up the subject he’d go on about how he was worried about all the things he might not be able to do if we had a child and we’d spend days and days making silly pro and con lists (him always adding cons) until I realised this isn’t how it should be and to be fair to him if he doesn’t want one then the last thing I wanted was a man who had been forced to have a child he didn’t want no matter how much we wanted the relationship to work. I was also really worried I was losing my fertile years and knew I couldn’t leave it too late or I’d regret it for the rest of my life so we separated. I’m now in a new relationship (I’m 32 now), been 2 years and we’re now pregnant! The thing was though, I trusted my current partner when he said he wanted them and I can tell he’s going to be an amazing dad because he was just as excited as me. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same things as you and importantly a child deserves parents that wanted them.
I hope you’re able to figure out a solution that’s best for you and what you want. X