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Original poster

Not sure if this belongs in AIBU...

67 replies

hinchi123 · 16/07/2021 15:26

Long story short I am 13 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I didn't tell my husband until after I had been to the 12 week scan.

Hubby is fuming, he is happy about the baby but he says he doesn't know if he can trust me any more(!)

I know some people might think it's mad but I am superstitious and you're not supposed to tell anyone are you?

He has slept on the couch since I told him and has been really off with me. I've not had a kiss or anything. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
mrsmoppp · 16/07/2021 15:27

Yes 100% in the wrong! Why would you not tell your husband? It's his child too

expectinglittlebear · 16/07/2021 15:29

Definitely in the wrong!!! My husband would be absolutely fuming.

The 12 week scan is the first chance you both get to see your little one. Such a special moment for mum and dad. I am not surprised he is angry, you have made him miss out on such a special moment!!

expectinglittlebear · 16/07/2021 15:30

Also, they advise not to tell anyone until after the 12 week scan as the miscarriage risks go down... but that doesn't include the child's father!! They mean don't make it wider / public knowledge. I'm sorry but your partner had the right to know the second you found out you were pregnant!

RogueRebel · 16/07/2021 15:31

Why would you take such a special moment away from your husband?

YAB very very U

whoknew23 · 16/07/2021 15:31

You can tell the father ,

If I was your DH I would be bloody fuming .

Cheerio21 · 16/07/2021 15:31

Omg!
100% you should have told him wtf.
Not telling anyone doesn't mean the father of the child ffs

ChikiTIKI · 16/07/2021 15:33

Really? You didn't tell him?! How would you feel if you hadn't been told? (hard to imagine but you get the idea).

Sorry if I'm coming accross as harsh. I am quite shocked and also jealous because I am 12 weeks pregnant and have been pretty ill, there's no way I could have kept it a secret.

Pantene23 · 16/07/2021 15:33

Yes you are massively unreasonable. That’s not superstition, that’s stupidity. I don’t blame your husband.

deethra · 16/07/2021 15:35

Sorry OP but I think you're in the wrong here.

The 12 week scan is for you and your partner to experience. He should have been given the choice to attend. Its the first chance you both get to see the baby, and in my opinion you've taken that away from him.
Usually people may not wish to tell extended family and friends until after the 12 week scan, so I can understand your intentions behind that, but your husband shouldn't have come into that bracket.

Sorry, but I can understand him being so upset.

Congratulations though.

overwork · 16/07/2021 15:35

That's a bit mean. There's not really much he could have done, but I'm sure he'd have wanted to be there for you. There's not much you can do about it now, but in my opinion, you really do owe him an apology

Pinkflipflop85 · 16/07/2021 15:39

This is a wind up, surely?

Chocoqueen · 16/07/2021 15:39

YABU, your poor husband. Mine was right outside the bathroom bugging me for the result while I took the test he was that excited. He probably would have watched me take it if I'd let him! There's no way I would/could have kept it from him. Though I would understand someone doing so if abuse/assault was involved of course.

Is there a reason you didn't tell him?

Congratulations though!!

Indoorcamping · 16/07/2021 15:40

Sorry, totally in the wrong here.

I'm currently pregnant with our 2nd. We weren't sure if he'd be allowed in for the scans because of covid so went for a private one at 10 weeks. It's such a beautiful thing to share. I'm not surprised he's gutted.

Plus the lying to him for weeks.

Was it really just superstition or did you think he might want you to have a termination?

fairgame84 · 16/07/2021 15:40

This cannot be real.

FesteringTurd · 16/07/2021 15:41

I know it's a horrible thought, but what if something had happened before 12 weeks?

Presumably you'd then have told him for support and that would've been a horrible way for him to find out Sad

Moominmiss · 16/07/2021 15:49

If this is genuine then you are 100% totally and utterly in the wrong.

Your poor husband. Missing out on that amazing first scan. I will treasure those memories I have with my partner forever, and I know he will too. To have taken that from him is just horrible.

I’m not surprised he says he can’t trust you. What a huge and very unnecessary secret to have kept.

mumofmunchkin · 16/07/2021 15:54

Agree with the others.

Not telling people before 12 weeks isn't about being superstitious, it's so that you don't have to untell people if you miscarry. Tell anyone you want support off, and that should definitely include your husband.

You should apologise, and I would think about booking a private scan to take him along to, acknowledging that he missed the chance to see the baby for the first time.

JustHereWithPopcorn · 16/07/2021 15:56

Surely this can't be real?

YesDisney · 16/07/2021 15:59

Wow. You really didn’t tell your HUSBAND?!

Omfg, if I were him I’d be gutted and fuming.

Scirocco · 16/07/2021 15:59

When people say "don't tell anybody" that doesn't include one of the parents! You should have told him, I can totally understand him feeling hurt and betrayed over this. I think you owe him a huge, HUGE apology.

This is quite possibly going to be very hard to make right; in fact, I'm not sure that you can make this right. What you could try, along with a lot of apologising and being extra nice to him, could be to organise a private scan for him to attend so that he can see the baby too. And make sure that you consider his needs and wishes going forward.

ElderMillennial · 16/07/2021 16:01

I don't believe this is real

NCJ2021 · 16/07/2021 16:10

This can't be real.

Or there is more to this. Are you usually this spiteful?

Of course you're in the wrong and why would you not tell him let alone let him come to the scan.

You sound very spiteful and trying to play dumb.

AllSinging · 16/07/2021 16:17

There’s no rule about not telling people before 12 weeks! Especially the father/your husband.

Unless there’s a reason for not telling him (ie abuse, fear etc) then I would agree that you were in the wrong OP. I’d love to know how you’ve managed to keep in under wraps though! I’ve been eating us out of house and home and sleeping all day haha I’d have no chance 😂

Warrickdaviesasplates · 16/07/2021 16:18

I do remember having the temptation to do this when I was pregnant with DC2, after 4 years of trying and a MMC at 14 weeks I was terrified of telling him about the pregnancy only for it to come to nothing.

I did post a thread on here at the time actually and, rightly, was set straight.

I can see why your husband is upset. He has missed the first chance to see his baby, a special moment for both parents, you've kept him in the dark for almost three months and he's now got to get his head around a pregnancy AND the fact that his wife is happy to lie to him for so long.

Can you book a private scan for you to go to together? You need to apologise and accept that he has every right to be upset and do what you need to to make it up to him. He must be feeling very conflicted right now.

MamaMoonbeam · 16/07/2021 16:31

How old are you OP? Just curious... I will also add my penny to the pot of you being completely in the wrong. I'm not sure that you could have been any more wrong apart from keeping the entire pregnancy a secret...

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