Boundaries - new baby, did you set any?

[Tilly18101]

Hi

FTM here, and first grandchild/baby in the family! So lots of very excited family members and friends.

DH and I have started to talk now about what we might want any hospital visits or home visits to be, so we can manage everyone’s expectations without being overwhelmed and having our own time to bond with our baby. I ideally don’t want hospital visitors due to Covid and having vulnerable in laws, unless we need to be kept in, I’d rather keep visitors to at home.

Did you set anything with your family in advance? I’m not talking like being a dictator here I.e 10 mins slots or anything, so far we’ve discussed no overnight guests until we feel comfortable (both families live over an hour away) but not unreasonable to travel for a few hours etc. We’ve also discussed that we won’t be travelling to anyone the first few months unless local and we are happy to ‘pop round’ but certainly we aren’t thinking we will be up for bundling new baby/post-partum recovery me into a car for 2 hrs to see people either?

How did you manage seeing everyone, grandparents first and then everyone else? I’m a little worried with Covid and don’t want lots of people mixing at the same time in our home and will of course want to limit risks as much as possible, I was also thinking of reminding everyone esp. grandmothers - no kissing etc!

Did anyone agree anything in advance with partners, so you have a united front! Or am I thinking about this too much and panicking for no reason!

Congratulations! I personally wouldn’t set any plans in advance… but I would tell people you’re super excited for them to meet the baby but you’re going to see how you feel afterwards and you’ll let people know what’s best for you. In terms of rules such as kissing, I wouldn’t say anything before but do be blunt but polite as things arise. So if someone does go to kiss her and you don’t want them to, just say ‘no kissing her please’ or similar.

People visited us. The fuss was all over in a couple weeks then it was old news and really just the grandparents after that.

Yes. I said my in-laws couldn’t visit in hospital for my second after his behaviour with my first.
Then they always rang before coming round anyway. I’d just say we were going out if it didn’t suit.

We played it by ear. At this stage you've no idea how you'll feel once baby is here.

Agree nothing concrete and don't book anything and just see how you feel.

For me, I wasn't in hospital long enough for visitors there.

I had my parents come to stay for a few days (husbands parents are local)

Others we decided as and when they asked to come and see us.

I didn't set any rules with my first but wished I had. We ended up staying in hospital for 9 days and so had grandparents/great grandparents visit in hospital and then also once we were home.

With baby number 2 I'll be tentatively suggesting no visitors for the first 2 weeks to give me time to recover and for my DH and DS to bond with the new baby. I hope to breastfeed too and establishing that can be tricky so I really don't want my dad or in laws around whilst I'm feeding in the early days.

I do agree that as it's your first it's probably best to avoid hard and fast rules around visiting as you don't know how you'll feel. But I would be upfront about hand washing and no kisses. Babies genuinely can die from the cold sore virus so no kisses is perfectly reasonable.

When it does get closer to the time I'd recommend suggesting a maximum visiting length (2 hours felt about right for us).

As it’s your first don’t set any rules until you have had the baby and know how you feel. In my culture mums come and stay with you for the birth and afterwards, but I kind of wish I had breastfeeding established & got used to the baby before Mum arrived. She did take care of me for 2 weeks and cooked which was super helpful but was so openly judgemental about everything I did.

I wouldn't worry about hospital too much. My hospital allowed birth partner to visit for 1 hour a day, noone else.

See how you feel at the time I'd suggest, when is baby due? You might be more/less resilient!

With Dd I was a bit of a wreck afterwards and didn't think about limiting visits. One (very relaxed) visitor to hospital- pre Covid obvs- which was fine - DGDad who couldn't wait to meet her, then a week later 6 people arriving at home for a first look - I sat mute and a bit teary the whole time.
When DS arrived no hospital visit bc Covid but a houseful a week later with plenty of cuddles- even the most risk averse relatives wanted 'a go' and I had no problem with it.

It's entirely up to you, your baby etc.

Did you set anything with your family in advance? I’m not talking like being a dictator here I.e 10 mins slots or anything, so far we’ve discussed no overnight guests until we feel comfortable (both families live over an hour away) but not unreasonable to travel for a few hours etc. We’ve also discussed that we won’t be travelling to anyone the first few months unless local and we are happy to ‘pop round’ but certainly we aren’t thinking we will be up for bundling new baby/post-partum recovery me into a car for 2 hrs to see people either?

I don’t think this is ‘setting boundaries’, just common sense surely? Are you expecting your family to make a fuss about this?

We have tentatively agreed not to put pressure on ourselves to have visitors for the first 2 weeks. But I have an overbearing mother. Also a FTM and no one knows how I'll feel post birth, hormones go haywire, sleep all over the place. The most important thing is a healthy mum and baby.

not so much with DS1.
I had no bloody clue what I was doing, I was in shock & pain from traumatic birth and I just let things happen.
also we had my mum staying for 3 weeks (she lives in another country) and MIL lives 5 mins away so with 2 keen & available grandmas I think any boundaries would've been impossible.
and we had lots of family & friends who wanted to visit. I didn't bother with routine either, it was very laissez-faire.
newborns are quite boring so I was happy to have company.

But when DS2 was born DS1 already had a routine so we had to keep that uo and establish some boundaries & rules with visitors.
Also DS2 was The Dream Baby to bf so he set his own routine anyway.

with each child after that we got more organised so people had to fit in with our routines & needs.

hope this helps

Don't tell anyone you've given birth until you're settled back home and 'ready'... It may be a harder experience than you expect but hopefully not... . Allow no one until you're happy with breastfeeding and it's established, unless you're desperate to see your mum as an example. But even then just an hour not a whole day otherwise it'll be a 2 cooks in the kitchen experience with a bad and stressful outcome.

Most grandparents/aunties/uncles of the baby tend to visit the mother and baby in hospital. I think that's really lovely. That obviously depends on COVID restrictions and how close you are with your family. I know I would want my family to visit me in hospital.

I don't think you can 100% say for sure that you don't want to do any visits to family/have overnight guests for a set period. You don't know how you'll feel. If I was you, I would just not make any plans and if any family ask, just say you're not sure yet. Take it easy, you don't need strict rules.

You will want a lovely bubble of just the three of you for at least a fortnight x

Thanks all really helpful comments - think we definitely need to take a see how we feel approach.

We absolutely will have some fuss to meet baby and quickly, so I’m keen to avoid any additional stressors when I’m in recovery - I’ve no idea how I’ll feel or how the birth will go. I think we’ll stick with some clear boundaries like no overnight guests, or Hospital visits due to Covid but otherwise maybe best to just see how we feel each day. I assume some days will be better than others!

FTM here too, and first grandchild… we’ve been having similar chats!

I’m hoping the in-laws will be allowed to visit us in hospital for a bit, and then we’re going to have a week or so at home to establish everything and settle in. Sadly at the moment, it doesn’t look like visitors will be allowed in…

I’d love to just leave it to chance but my in-laws are the type to just turn up unannounced, they never take the hint to leave and generally do things their way and ignore everyone else, so we’d get railroaded, I think.

We haven’t told them yet, but we intend to set expectations a bit during the pregnancy. I’m due in mid December so I’m hoping we might be feeling settled enough to go see them at Christmas, but there’s no guarantees…

Friends will be tough too, many of them have an open door policy and we’re quite private and don’t really have room!

We will probably keep visitors to us to an absolute minimum for that reason, and then travel out to people when we can, because that way we can choose when to leave. But we’ll have to see how unrealistic all of this is when baby actually arrives!

I was adamant we weren’t having visitors for a few days. We had my mum over the day after we got home from hospital, and everyone else the following day. We love having visitors and showing her off, even though I thought I’d want time alone with her. But I ended up having an emergency c-section so needed a bit more support than i thought, and just wanted my mum as soon as I got home. All visitors we’ve had have automatically washed their hands before holding her etc, and offered to wear masks. Definitely set some boundaries, but be aware that you might change your mind once baby arrives.

I wouldn't set any boundaries at all. Just play it by ear.. You might be grateful for the help and company when your family visit too. I have no family and when I had my DD I lived with my ex in an isolated area that I left everything to move in with him in.. I'd had been grateful for any family coming over. But then your circumstances are different to mine.. Just play it by ear and if anything makes you uncomfortable just be honest and say.

As much as you won't know how you'll feel till baby arrives it is good to plan for this. I had a nightmare with non stop visitors with my first who was not only first grandchild but first baby for all my grief ev - the day I came home England were in the World Cup and In-laws were there the whole day watching the football and playing pass the baby , colleagues from dhs work came round multiple times the first few weeks to the point where the midwife was getting quite cross with Dh. With our second we were really strict about visitors and slightly offended a few relatives temporarily but it was so much better for our time bonding and my physical and mental health.

Friends not grief ev !!!

I'd say the most important is you and your partner being on the same page about this stuff and just let them know that you don't want visitors the first few days.
And that you will see after the birth how you all feel and arrange visits then!

I thought I'd want a month after some complications post birth but within 2 weeks i was in the car on 2hrs journey for the day to see grandparents and on long walks outside.

That being said don't hesitate to be a dictator if you aren't comfortable with certain things!
It was my first baby and there definitely were certain things i didn't want and voiced it... don't care what people think.

@AnonBon

You will want a lovely bubble of just the three of you for at least a fortnight x

Sorry but you can't say that with absolute certainty, I wanted everyone to meet my baby within an hour of having him and would have been desperately lonely not having my family round me for a full fortnight when I was dosed with the baby blues!

Our hospital only allow 1 person to visit for 1 hour a day atm so that means nobody can visit us there. I don't intend to be in long anyway, preferably 1 night max like my last (elcs). Looking likely I'll be going elcs again as they're thinking of bring her early and I do not want an induction.
Grandparents and our siblings are welcome to visit at home pretty soon (my parents will be there looking after our older 5 anyway). None of this no holding or kissing baby though. Extended family and close friends will filter through the month or so after birth, they have other stuff on so we'll be flexible on when and try to keep it 1 household a day as our house is not massive. No way will we be packing up 6 kids and travelling to other people's houses to visit them, even the local ones.

I hope your family respect your boundaries op. At 7 days postpartum we had inlaws threatening to turn up tor an impromptu visit as it had been too long! This was after we had been in hosp SCBU with an unwell baby and only had 1 day back at home ourselves! They came over 2 weeks postpartum but MIL 4ang every day before that winging to dh and threatening to 'just turn up.' I also had a distant aunt compain she hadn't gotten to meet the new baby; i hadnt seen said Aunt for about 20 years! I found people really show their true colours after having a baby and they weren't always the most supportive in my case!

I really wouldn’t worry about it too much at this stage, especially hospital. If all goes smoothly you’re unlikely to be in long enough for visitors. And I don’t think any hospitals are allowing more than one visitor anyway, which if your partner is going to be there is them anyway.

Perfectly reasonable to manage visits in the covid world we live in, that makes sense. But I would just wait and see how you feel. I thought it was lovely for all the grandparents to get the chance to meet both of our kids within a day or two of them being born. Seeing your Mum hold their grandchild for the first time is a lovely thing.