Boundaries - new baby, did you set any?

[Tilly18101]

Hi

FTM here, and first grandchild/baby in the family! So lots of very excited family members and friends.

DH and I have started to talk now about what we might want any hospital visits or home visits to be, so we can manage everyone’s expectations without being overwhelmed and having our own time to bond with our baby. I ideally don’t want hospital visitors due to Covid and having vulnerable in laws, unless we need to be kept in, I’d rather keep visitors to at home.

Did you set anything with your family in advance? I’m not talking like being a dictator here I.e 10 mins slots or anything, so far we’ve discussed no overnight guests until we feel comfortable (both families live over an hour away) but not unreasonable to travel for a few hours etc. We’ve also discussed that we won’t be travelling to anyone the first few months unless local and we are happy to ‘pop round’ but certainly we aren’t thinking we will be up for bundling new baby/post-partum recovery me into a car for 2 hrs to see people either?

How did you manage seeing everyone, grandparents first and then everyone else? I’m a little worried with Covid and don’t want lots of people mixing at the same time in our home and will of course want to limit risks as much as possible, I was also thinking of reminding everyone esp. grandmothers - no kissing etc!

Did anyone agree anything in advance with partners, so you have a united front! Or am I thinking about this too much and panicking for no reason!

@Popcornbetty this is exactly my worry and want I want to avoid. I don’t cope well under pressure at all, and I get very anxious when I’m feel forced into a corner and I tend to have a meltdown and shut away, couple that with a baby/hormones/exhaustion I think it’s a recipe for disaster. I think this is why DH and I are discussing already as he’s keen to avoid that for me too, I’m very lucky to have his full support. I’m sorry you had that from your MIL, that’s not a nice situation at all - I think sometimes grandparents just want to bubble of their grandchild don’t they, and don’t think about much else!

I don’t think we’d want to keep everyone away for 2 weeks, but we’ll definitely want some time alone to settle to our new life in the early days. Luckily even though my family are keen they are self sufficient, there is no waiting on them (ever!) we all help ourselves round each other’s. In laws on the other hand, not demanding but certainly wait to be offered drinks/biscuits/food etc.

You won't know how you feel until after you give birth! I felt great after giving birth (I had been in hospital for 2 days prior to giving birth as I'd been induced) I think the adrenaline kicked in once I'd had her and I couldn't wait for her to meet everyone and had visitors that evening in hospital (something I never thought I'd want)
The only visitors I had in the very early days were immediate family who I'm very comfortable with. We kept visiting short unless they were actively helping me.

@Tilly18101 You're definately doing the right thing to set some boundaries prior and well within your rights to do so. I would also let them know that you will see how you feel and will get in touch for visitors when you're ready. It is impossible to know how you will feel after birth and whay your xperience will be coupled with hormones/adjusting to being new Mum. I really wanted to see my family as soon as i got home as had been through a traumatic week in hospital and needed to see them and for them to see baby. Prior to birth i wouldn't have thought i would have wanted that as quickly. Inlaws on the other hand weren't the most helpful and we weren't ready to see them until 1 week postpartum minumum but that went to 2 weeks with us having the inital week in hospital. My hormones barely survived their visit at 2 weeks pp. Thank goodness they weren't allowed on the ward or i think they could have appeared at the hospital!
I agree gps get very wrapped up in their own wants and needs and forget about you and yours. You and baby come first and if you're not feeling up to visits tell them that. I understand the pressure and it is awful but you only get to bring your first baby home once and it is a precious bonding time and they have to understand that; if they don't so be it. They have years to get to know their grandchild and the baby isn't going to change in afew days!

You sound very sensible op and like you will do what is best for you and your family and know who is helpful and who isn't. Self sufficient visitors are a godsend, the expectant ones you have to wait on are the worst!

@AnonBon

You will want a lovely bubble of just the three of you for at least a fortnight x

Maybe that was right for you....but not for anyone in my family....everyone wants to show off ( in a nice way) their babies as soon as they can.....and love the help and support from family.....horses for courses and all that

I personally think visits at home are best. DH used to show DS off to everyone while I slept lol.

@Ozanj oh that’s a good idea - claim a few hours sleep and peace!

My twins were born 9 weeks early and ended up in NICU for 5 weeks before being discharged home. After the birth I wasn't very well myself/ was a bit of a wreck and kept hospital visitors to just my parents from day 2 onwards, as I wanted to see them and felt reassured with them there... As much as my inlaws are lovely, we didn't invite them to visit us/ the twins in hospital until I was feeling better (more than a week after the birth).
When we went home, we didn't tell anyone we were being discharged and basically sent a text to say, we're home, but we want a few days to settle in by ourselves... We'll let you know when we're ready for visitors! Everyone was very good and respected this and we were so glad that we set that boundary.
I'm pregnant again now and definately plan to do something similar, especially as I want to breastfeed and don't fancy my in law's seeing my boobs out everywhere in the first days/ weeks.
Essentially, go with what feels right for you and don't let others pressure you into visits if you're not ready! 😊

@AnonBon

You will want a lovely bubble of just the three of you for at least a fortnight x

I don't see how you can be so certain of that. I found myself battered, bruised and shell shocked from a traumatic birth and I absolutely wanted the support of having my parents around me after I got out of hospital (was only in for one night anyway). It made me feel understood and cared for.

I also wanted them to meet my baby.

Don't set firm plans out yet. Wait and see how you feel after the birth. You might want to close ranks for a little while, or you might want lots of close family support around you.

I would have fallen even further into PND without my family around me, and I am not really a particularly sociable person most of the time. I just needed other adult company in order to begin coping.

@Ozanj

I personally think visits at home are best. DH used to show DS off to everyone while I slept lol.

This was it for me too. They could look after feed and change my babies while I rested. All of them, including the in-laws.

Congratulations!
People can be lovely and helpful when you’re a new mum but also disrespectful of any boundaries and usually you only find out after the baby is born. I would just tell everyone you’ll let them know when you’re ready for a visit as you don’t know yet how you’ll feel. Everyone with a bit of empathy will understand this, esspecially if they’re parents themselves. Those who don’t respect this need to be told firmly about boundaries because they’re intrusive and don’t have your best interest at heart.

@Tilly18101, the others have covered most things, but one rule I'd hugely recommend is that, whenever you do decide to have visitors, the price of admission is one chore.

So many people (ahem, mum, grrr) seemed to think them holding the baby and asking for cups of tea constituted a useful visit. No no no, they can empty the dishwasher, put a wash on, fold some laundry etc. And get them to bring the lunch or tea!

Also make sure they do the tidying away before they go - otherwise they just leave amidst a sea of dirty mugs and plates. People just don't think!

@Shortmamashortcycles that is an excellent rule! Luckily our local friends (we have a few different groups) are like our immediate family anyway and I suspect would come round with that attitude of helping as that’s how we are together.

Not so sure about the in laws but they all run their own houses and I know are perfectly capable of making a cup of tea themselves!

I wouldn't think you will be allowed hospital visitors, so that will remove that stress!

For me, I think it's really important grandparents get to meet their grandchild quickly... everyone else is less important. I was pretty laid back with baby number 1... my parents/in laws had free rein... and anyone else was pretty respectful in asking when was good. I kept most people away until hubby had gone back to work, but I wouldn't want my parents to have to wait that long, if that makes sense?

Decide who is important to you to see... and who won't cause you stress by visiting! Anyone else, just tell them you'll let them know when you're up to visits :-)

I'm really glad I've stumbled across this thread because I've been thinking about boundaries at the back of my mind too.
Im expecting baby number 1 which will also be the first grand child for both sets of grandparents.

My mum would 100% respect our wishes and knows that it will be tough for us at the begining with trying to get into a routine etc. She isnt the sort of person who would turn up without warning, she doesnt drive and is therefore somewhat restricted to public transport which doesnt have a route anywhere near us.

The in laws however are a different story. Its already started with them. Baby isnt due until the end of the year and they have already visited more times in the last 3 months than they normally do in the entire year. They arent local either but are considering moving closer, although they claim this is absolutely nothing to do with the baby 🙄
Ive discussed it briefly with DH already, as in, I dont want an open house situation. Nobody gets a free pass now or when baby is born.
Im trying to be extra careful because of covid as well and i know his parents jolly about as if there are no risks anymore.

There are some really helpful posts on here so Im taking it all on board!!

@AnonBon

You will want a lovely bubble of just the three of you for at least a fortnight x

I would have absolutely hated it if no one came to see the baby for two weeks, and when people talk about just lying in bed in their pyjamas with the baby for weeks I can't imagine how they didn't go mad with boredom, I was stir crazy by day three with my first. Which is exactly why you should wait and see as we're all different!

I’m really overthinking this just now too. Have raised it with my partner a couple of times and he just kind of shrugs it off like we’ll see what happens. I’m having a section and my partner has to leave when I leave recovery so I think we’ll have to announce the baby has arrived to the grandparents quite soon after birth. Same situation as you in that it’s the first baby in the family. I’m almost getting a bit over protective before he’s here like it’s actually MY baby, that I chose to have, not YOUR grandchild as his primary role 😂 I’m hoping to say 10 days to 2 weeks for all other visitors and we’ll have them in the garden. Hoping everyone doesn’t want to hold him too, the covid cases where I stay are sky high just now and a few members of my extended family have it. For the grand parents I don’t know how we can do it. I will probably get home from hospital either 1 or 2 days after hes born if everything has been straightforward. I wouldn’t care about my mum seeing me potentially hobbling about in pain and at my absolute worst, because she’s my mum obviously! But I really don’t want his family pushing their way in when I just want to go and lie down ☹️ Their visits are still very formal and I’d be expected to sit and drink tea, answering all their questions about private medical information while they all get a hold. The thought and panic of it is almost wasting that moment for me 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m wondering if I could say they could come on day 5 or something or say we’ll let you know when we’re ready. Just hoping my partner isn’t more excited at the prospect of showing off the baby than caring for me but I think when he sees what I’ve been through he’ll realise how much pain I’m in

[quote Tilly18101]@Popcornbetty this is exactly my worry and want I want to avoid. I don’t cope well under pressure at all, and I get very anxious when I’m feel forced into a corner and I tend to have a meltdown and shut away, couple that with a baby/hormones/exhaustion I think it’s a recipe for disaster. I think this is why DH and I are discussing already as he’s keen to avoid that for me too, I’m very lucky to have his full support. I’m sorry you had that from your MIL, that’s not a nice situation at all - I think sometimes grandparents just want to bubble of their grandchild don’t they, and don’t think about much else!

I don’t think we’d want to keep everyone away for 2 weeks, but we’ll definitely want some time alone to settle to our new life in the early days. Luckily even though my family are keen they are self sufficient, there is no waiting on them (ever!) we all help ourselves round each other’s. In laws on the other hand, not demanding but certainly wait to be offered drinks/biscuits/food etc.[/quote]
With this in particular your partner needs to say to HIS parents- “please don’t wait to be offered drinks or anything- go help your self”. Please be firm with your partner that his parents are his responsibility, particularly if you are anxious in general.
With regards to timescales I really wanted my parents/in-laws to bind with the baby. My grandparents were a massive part of my life so I can’t imagine it being any other way. I can’t imagine asking my parent to to kiss their grandchild 😬. Please do be gentle if you choose to enforce this rule as it could upset them. Again it might be best for partner to explain this to his own parents x

‘Asking my parent NOT to kiss their grandchild’ sorry for typos 🙈

With this in particular your partner needs to say to HIS parents- “please don’t wait to be offered drinks or anything- go help your self”. Please be firm with your partner that his parents are his responsibility, particularly if you are anxious in general.

Completely agree - or if they expect drinks to be made then he just makes them? I've never quite understood the MN insistence that visitors must do housework/make lunch/etc - if it's a first child and the father's on leave can't he do that? In fact it annoys me because I think that the expectation is that since the mother is 'out of action' other women must do 'her' work (you see a lot of references to MIL doing the laundry, a lot fewer to FIL) to prevent the dreadful situation of a man being expected to do a bit of housework or make the meals for a few weeks.

Be firm 100%.

Make sure your partner is on side too. My wishes were entirely over run from someone who wanted to please family. I still resent it now. So stand firm!

This is about your baby and your bubble (partner/you/baby), no-one else is as important!

@Hardbackwriter, hmm I can only speak from experience but my DH fully pitched in making me all my meals, keeping the house clean, doing laundry etc and in those first few weeks was up at night helping me breastfeed, so frankly he was knackered too.

I don't think the suggestion the visitors bring their own lunch or offer to unstack the dishwasher is some anti-feminist statement implying the man shouldn't be expected to do any housework!

I do agree that if it's the in-laws who are expected to cause stress, the husband should be in charge of managing them.

Like others have said - agree to have boundaries but don’t decide what they are yet! It really is so different for everyone depending on how you feel. For example with DC1, after reading MN I imagined I wouldn’t want visitors in hospital, especially the day he was born. As it turned out I was on the phone trying to get my parents to come up within hours of DS being born as I had an overwhelming urge to show him off (think I would have gone full on Lion King if I’d been able to )!). But overnights or long visits at home felt utterly claustrophobic and invasive, when beforehand I thought I’d be more comfortable. You just can’t tell. All the best for the new arrival

This thread has made interesting reading.

Were the people who were desperate to show off their babies and see their parents particularly close to them before?

Mine died while I was a child. I had various foster parents but none that really stayed in touch. I've always been quite independent as a result... I wonder if I should be preparing for that to hit me harder when I've given birth. It never really has - they weren't great parents - but maybe I need to prepare for that somehow.

@Onehotmess that’s a great idea to simply set the ground rule of help yourself! I’ve always preferred people doing that anyway, nothing worse then trying to be polite but dying of thirst or hunger! We always have a fridge full and a snack basket in one of the cupboards always full with cereal bars, biscuits, crisps and the fruit bowl is always kept topped up. I think that would be one major less stress for me if that was the rule implemented from day 1 - there is no pressure on either of us then!

I know my mum will be like Mrs Hinch when she visits, as she can’t sit still so if she didn’t have the baby she’d naturally just start cleaning round or doing washing, my dad would likely take the dog for a walk too without even asking - he’d just take him off for a wander.

I’m just hoping everyone understands, and it doesn’t upset anyone when we do come to set clear boundaries. I don’t want people staying ages, esp, if I’m uncomfortable following birth - I might just want to lie in the bath and have a good cry and we only have one bathroom - wouldn’t fancy SIL popping in for a wee

I think DH will be clear with his / ok thanks for coming but we’re tired so see you later, statement as he’s pretty good at that now I just hope people listen!

I suppose as I am an anxious person, I’m thinking of worst case here and actually it could be very lovely to have people over each day for a couple of hours and I might surprise myself with how much I love it!

I think you're overthinking things OP.

Don't back yourselves into any corners now - don't promise anything but definitely don't be setting rules. You have no idea how you'll be feeling or of what kind of baby you'll have.

My happiest memories of my DC's births are of introducing them to their grandparents. With DC1 they were able to visit later that day in the hospital, and MIL's look of joy when I said that of course she could pick up the baby from the cot is something I'll never forget.

I highly doubt you'll be able to have visitors in hospital because of covid, and once home from a covid pov you just need to stick to the general population guidelines, no more or less (although I confess we did allow plenty of cuddles even though we should've been distancing).

Agree with your DP that you'll be honest about what you're feeling up to, and that he will be strict with people if necessary. But it's highly unlikely it will be needed. Don't favour one side over the other, unless someone is awful.