Gender disappointment 😔

[slkh]

Hey, so I have two children, one of each, and this is my last baby. I'd hoped so much for a girl my partner and his family, my daughter, all were hoping for a girl. 20 week scan showed a boy. I feel so upset and disappointed even though I should be happy he is healthy and just grateful I can even have another child. I'm worried I won't bond as well as I did with my other son 😔. I can't even bring myself to look at names for a boy or get excited about buying anything. Does/did anyone else feel this way?

Why did you prefer a girl?

Why were extended family hoping for a girl? Especially since you already have one of each. Can’t imagine other people having a preference is any good for you. Hope you are feeling better soon.

But you already have one of each so you know both are wonderful... why wouldn’t you bond as well with this son?

Gender disappointment is a weird one and the three key things to remember are:

You can't often help it, it's linked to all sorts of internal and external factors.

People will call you pathetic or ungrateful or selfish because they have no experience of this. Please don't listen to their responses, they simply don't understand or are projecting their own - often difficult and understandable - feelings around conception in general.

It is overwhelmingly likely to pass, probably even before the birth and it shouldn't affect bonding at all.

It's a peculiar aspect to pregnancy and becoming a parent and often more complicated than people realise. I'm sure you wish you didn't feel like this at all and it doesn't mean you aren't grateful or happy to be experiencing a healthy pregnancy. If you can, try and start browsing boys names, look at outfits, picture your new dynamic. You can replace the vision of what it won't be with what it WILL be and that will help.

You will be fine. Promise.

@slkh I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this and please ignore the nasty person who called you "deeply pathetic".

Gender disappointment is a real thing and is an understandable reaction. Someone once explained it to me as being because often you have set up a story in your mind about what your life or family will look like and when that doesn't turn out to be the case then it can be hard to adjust to or handle. I think you need to give yourself a bit of time to get used to the idea, think about the reasons you might have felt so shocked or disappointed (e.g pressure of wider family) and then spend lots of time bonding with your baby- rubbing your belly, talking to him, buying cute baby boy clothes, hugging your existing son close.

Good luck xx

@mayjuneapril

Why were extended family hoping for a girl? Especially since you already have one of each. Can’t imagine other people having a preference is any good for you. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Yes this happens. My in laws told me which sex my baby HAD TO be!

OP, sorry for your disappointment.

Count your blessings maybe.

It's a fear. I don't mean to say I won't bond as well. I think unless you've experienced being disappointed you may not understand. I don't think it's pathetic for any mother to have fears about bonding! I did not bond so well with my daughter at first for several reasons. For my OH family this would be the first baby girl as my daughter has a different dad. I had hoped for others that had positive stories for reassurance rather than negativity that is completely unnecessary. I suppose a mums group is the wrong place for that apparently!

Gender disappointment is a real thing and is an understandable reaction. Someone once explained it to me as being because often you have set up a story in your mind about what your life or family will look like and when that doesn't turn out to be the case then it can be hard to adjust to or handle.

I don’t want to be unkind, just realistic. This is all twaddle. You don’t get to be disappointed that one imaginary scenario you played out in your head isn’t going to happen. I just can’t and won’t fathom why anyone would think a baby’s sex was anywhere near relevant enough to be upset about.

Thankyou. I hadn't experienced this with my other two and I am finding it difficult. I'm glad I've got time to "come to terms" with what my family will be and get over what I'd hoped for. It sounds ridiculous to some and I get that.

I had hoped for others that had positive stories for reassurance rather than negativity that is completely unnecessary. I suppose a mums group is the wrong place for that apparently!

You’re having a baby op. That’s so lovely. His sex is the least important thing about him. Please don’t let him disappoint you.

Everyone worries about bonding. Somehow you’ll have to just relax and let it happen. It’s not always easy.

Thankyou. This was helpful! I am so close with my other son and i hope I will be with this one too it's just the fear I won't.
Trying to ignore negative comments because I am giving myself a hard enough time and others clearly don't care how they can make someone already struggling feel. It's no wonder people don't speak out about things like this.

When I open these threads I know it will be about a girl!

Not this again. So upsetting for so many people.

Surely as you didn’t bond with your daughter you’d be hoping for another boy?
Boys are fantastic, you’ll come round.

@CookPassBabtridge same! It’s quite upsetting actually

@Notable it's wonderful that you've never experienced this. Did you know that there's some evidence that this kind of disappointment might be more likely if you've struggled to conceive or experienced loss. It's more complicated than the superficial reading you've made of a situation you haven't experienced.

I can give you an example if it helps you imagine how this can happen. If you'd grown up in a toxic mother/daughter relationship, perhaps even mildly, your life experience might have made an impression on you. You may have seen a male sibling not experience this and then when you find out you're carrying a girl, your only blueprint for that relationship is the one which defined you as a person. Your reading of that relationship is skewed, you fear it. You fear not being enough. You worry you don't know how to be part of that relationship. So you worry about being the right person to nurture that child you are carrying. There's every chance that you won't even know why you're feeling that way. Of course we know that the sex of the baby doesn't and shouldn't matter, even as we experience disappointment. But it happens and it happens without you wishing for it a lot of the time.

Telling somebody who is anxious and worried to count their blessings or calling them names or dismissing them is about as useful as telling a new mother with PND or anxiety to cheer up or get on with it.

Honesty when he's born you'll just love him to bits and not want to change anything about him I'm sure xx

PS - it's sex not gender!

I think we as a society, and also within individual families, have come up with very set ideas about "how things will be" based on the sex of a hypothetical baby (ie before and during pregnancy rather than a baby who is born and here, and is themselves rather than an ideal).

So, you and your family, and your surrounding community will have ideas about what's ideal in this situation - to have a girl, doesn't really matter the reasons why.

The thing to hold on to, is that once the baby is here they will be your baby and the least interesting and important thing about them will be their sex. You will bond with them and love them, and your family will bond with them and love them because of themselves.

@CookPassBabtridge

When I open these threads I know it will be about a girl!

Because it's almost all women writing! If there's a Dadsnet out there it'll be the other way!

@slkh

It's a fear. I don't mean to say I won't bond as well. I think unless you've experienced being disappointed you may not understand. I don't think it's pathetic for any mother to have fears about bonding! I did not bond so well with my daughter at first for several reasons. For my OH family this would be the first baby girl as my daughter has a different dad. I had hoped for others that had positive stories for reassurance rather than negativity that is completely unnecessary. I suppose a mums group is the wrong place for that apparently!

I don't really get it OP. You say you didn't bond so well with your daughter at first but now you're saying you're disappointed at having a boy because you're scared you won't bond with him, even though in one of your subsequent posts you say you're very close to your son.

I dont think gender has a bearing on how well you bond with a baby.

Just should be greatful your baby is healthy, without any problems.