Gender disappointment 😔

[slkh]

Hey, so I have two children, one of each, and this is my last baby. I'd hoped so much for a girl my partner and his family, my daughter, all were hoping for a girl. 20 week scan showed a boy. I feel so upset and disappointed even though I should be happy he is healthy and just grateful I can even have another child. I'm worried I won't bond as well as I did with my other son 😔. I can't even bring myself to look at names for a boy or get excited about buying anything. Does/did anyone else feel this way?

This again!

You will bond with him. Perhaps remind OH and his family that it's not a supermarket and you don't get a choice.

All children bring their share of joy and worry whichever their sex.
FWIW a friend of mine got accidentally pregnant 6 months after twins and was in denial for much of the pregnancy. Didn't want the baby but didn't want an abortion. She said the moment he was born he lit up the room ( her words) and she couldn't imagine him never existing. They bonded fine.
They're all unique.

@ShowOfHands This op already has both a son and a daughter so presumably has an understanding of how each sex fits into her particular family dynamic.

I realise you’re trying to tell me that her feelings are irrational but real to her. That’s fine.

I think it’s really immature and silly.

See quite a few of these threads on mumsnet about gender disappointment and can never quite get my head around it. But I will say I have never once seen someone come back and say they are still disappointed after the birth. So have faith it will all work out and once u hold ur adorable little boy u will feel nothing but love.

Just to clarify...
My reasons for not bonding so well with my daughter no longer exist. I have a great bond with my daughter now, it just took more time than it being instantaneous. I have a great bond with my son, I always have. The fear I have is that because I had hoped for a daughter that I will struggle to have that same bond. To many it will sound ridiculous and ungrateful. When in reality this is a very longed for baby and I will love him just as much as my other two. Why is it such a taboo for a mother to express fears and disappointments? As I said before I had simply hoped for others that had felt similarly to have positive things to comment and useful advice for this awful situation. If you do not understand and have nothing useful to add, there isn't a need to comment. You don't know how someone else is feeling or what impact you could have on them. I'm aware I.opened myself up to it by posting here. I just hadn't expected other women to be so judgemental and negative. MN has obviously changed since I last had a child. Thankyou again to those that had something to add that was helpful in anyway.

I was worried about bonding with my baby (for a different reason to you), but found that once they were born I bonded immediately. I hope the same happens for you OP

You will love him when he's here. and you already know that you can forge a bond even if things don't go smoothly to start with, so you will be fine. Shame on your family for voicing a preference in my opinion! Only acceptable from children, as if you need that pressure. The only reason from family should be "cannot wait either way".

For my OH family this would be the first baby girl as my daughter has a different dad.

This sentence stuck out to me. I hope pressures/expectations from your OHs family haven't brought this on. It made me feel a bit sad for your daughter. But I know I don't have enough information to make any judgement on that.

Hopefully this passes quickly. I had an image of a little boy in my mind when I was pregnant, so had to readjust my thinking a little when the scan showed a girl. But I didn't feel any fear over bonding. I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

You’ll be ok once the baby arrives. Don’t stress.

@slkh completely understand your sentiments and it's not pathetic at all! So cruel for anyone to suggest that! I'm currently pregnant with my first and I so desperately wanted it to be a girl as that's all I dreamt about. I would think about clothes, accessories and all that jazz. When I posted my first scan on MN to guess the sex, I was so excited when everybody guesses girl! I was so excited. Then I did a nub theory followed soon by the actual scan. Boy. My heart sank, my Dh jumped for joy. Moments into the scan, we got to hear the heartbeat properly and honestly my feelings changed completely. I was overwhelmed with love and all my previous disappointment melted away immediately.
I'm not saying it will happen that soon for you although I hope it does. Just know that at whatever stage it happens, you will get over the disappointment and bond with your new baby! X

If your partners family was so excited at the idea of it being a girl it may be a good thing for your daughter that he isn’t. It could have made it easier for her to adjust no matter how much she may have wanted a sister seeing her treated differently could hurt

I had this problem with my second daughter. I'm a second daughter myself and my father (who only had brothers and whose mum was clamoring for grandsons) never hid his disappointment. The thought of reproducing the exact sex composition of my dysfunctional birth family terrified me.

It's a difficult thing to deal with as people tend to judge you if you're not happy about a pregnancy. But I'm happy to say I bonded very well with my second daughter in spite of it all. It's not that the disappointment went away the moment she was born, but the natural charm of a baby and her developing personality took over. she's 11 now and I have very fond memories of her toddlerhood.

So don't worry too much and try to enjoy the pregnancy anyway.

@Notable

Gender disappointment is a real thing and is an understandable reaction. Someone once explained it to me as being because often you have set up a story in your mind about what your life or family will look like and when that doesn't turn out to be the case then it can be hard to adjust to or handle.

I don’t want to be unkind, just realistic. This is all twaddle. You don’t get to be disappointed that one imaginary scenario you played out in your head isn’t going to happen. I just can’t and won’t fathom why anyone would think a baby’s sex was anywhere near relevant enough to be upset about.

Unless you have experienced this yourself, you can't say it's all "twaddle". It is very real thing that many dont feel they can talk about because of judgmental people like you. After 3 miscarriages in a row, Im now 20 weeks weeks pregnant and all is so far perfect. I found out the sex early. I found out I was having a boy and I couldn't figure out why I felt so disappointed, after all, all I've ever wanted was a healthy baby. But I couldn't help how I felt and I felt so guilty. After lots of research and speaking to my midwife, I found out it's very normal and a lot of woman experience it, however not all talk about it. Fast forward a couple of weeks and im ecstatic that im having a boy and feel silly for ever feeling how I did.

I think you'll get used to the idea and get excited. It's OK to feel like this at 20 weeks - you can't help how you feel anyway. Give it some time and you'll get used to it. I felt the same about my second baby but a couple of months later and I've got used to the idea and am excited. Also, remember literally the ONLY thing you know about this baby is its sex but as soon as you meet him, he'll be real and lovely and yours and you'll love him x

@PixieDust28
@Notable

Congratulations to you on having no issues in your past to provoke this kind of sentiment. What an achievement. Now please take your self-righteousness somewhere else.

Mumsnet is supposed to be a place where you can vent the more complicated feelings around pregnancy. It is cruel to be so judgy in response.

Op I understand completely, I felt like that about DC3, although we didn't find out the sex until baby was born. I was so sure in my head we were having a second girl that it was a complete shock to find out it was a second boy.

It didn't affect my bond with my baby or how much I love him, but it did take a bit of getting my head round it all. Like you say, you picture things/life in your head and then it has to be rearranged. It doesn't mean you love your baby any less or are ungrateful for them. We all have strange feelings about all sorts of things, it's part and parcel of being human.

Congratulations on your baby and I wish you a happy pregnancy and delivery.

Genuine question as I always wonder on these threads.

Before you got pregnant did you already hope for a girl? Or did it not cross your mind that you had a preference at the time? Did you consider the fact sex is 50/50?

I don't mean that horribly, I just find it interesting. I only have 1 baby so far but I wonder if I would have a preference for the sex of another if I have a second.

But what more advice can be given other than to look on the bright side and be grateful you're having a healthy baby and you'll likely bond with him when he's here? Like what more do you want to be told?

I suppose you can always keep your fingers crossed he decides he's a girl when he's older. Seems to be the fashion lately so you might just get your daughter yet.

@Luckyelephant1

But what more advice can be given other than to look on the bright side and be grateful you're having a healthy baby and you'll likely bond with him when he's here? Like what more do you want to be told?

Perhaps reassurance that this is totally normal to feel this way and this feeling does pass eventually? I posted a similar thread and few weeks ago and the responses I got were very helpful and made me feel alot better.

I don't know why people come onto threads specifically titled about negative feelings towards one sex and then express how much it upsets them.

You're perfectly entitled to feel this way OP. As many have said above, it takes time to process the fantasy you had imagined and let go and there's absolutely no reason why your feelings won't shift as time goes on, as you have a lovely bond with your first son already. Good luck

@ShowOfHands

Gender disappointment is a weird one and the three key things to remember are:

You can't often help it, it's linked to all sorts of internal and external factors.

People will call you pathetic or ungrateful or selfish because they have no experience of this. Please don't listen to their responses, they simply don't understand or are projecting their own - often difficult and understandable - feelings around conception in general.

It is overwhelmingly likely to pass, probably even before the birth and it shouldn't affect bonding at all.

It's a peculiar aspect to pregnancy and becoming a parent and often more complicated than people realise. I'm sure you wish you didn't feel like this at all and it doesn't mean you aren't grateful or happy to be experiencing a healthy pregnancy. If you can, try and start browsing boys names, look at outfits, picture your new dynamic. You can replace the vision of what it won't be with what it WILL be and that will help.

You will be fine. Promise.

This exactly

Don’t feel bad, and don’t worry