Gender disappointment 😔

[slkh]

Hey, so I have two children, one of each, and this is my last baby. I'd hoped so much for a girl my partner and his family, my daughter, all were hoping for a girl. 20 week scan showed a boy. I feel so upset and disappointed even though I should be happy he is healthy and just grateful I can even have another child. I'm worried I won't bond as well as I did with my other son 😔. I can't even bring myself to look at names for a boy or get excited about buying anything. Does/did anyone else feel this way?

As a PP said, this usually isn’t about the baby or it’s sex at all. In your case it sounds like it’s about insecurities around your blended family and not having a daughter so your DH has one of each of his own and your DD has a stronger connection to the family unit through a sister. It’s ok to feel however you feel and it’s good that you found out now so you can plan and reimagine the picture in your head.

There’s way too much vilifying of people for their flawed, human, non-harmful feelings on here.

Don’t enter parenthood with a fantasy of how things will turn out. You’re setting yourself up for a fail.

Drop your gender essentialist beliefs and any kind of notion that your family dynamic will be a carbon copy of any other family dynamic you witnessed.

The very least important thing about him is the only one thing you know. He’ll be his own person. All these feelings will go away once he’s had time to show you that.

There. That’s my advice.

Oh OP I went through this with my third DS I felt absolutely terrible and only found out his sex when born. For 6 weeks I didn't bond with him and then one day I looked down and fell completely for him. Out of our 4 he is the sweetest most loving, gorgeous child and I wouldn't want him to change in anyway.

I was shocked at my desire for a girl as I'm not at all girlie. I would have thought from the outside that someone was a dick for feeling like that but there is nothing you can do about it. I have several friends who felt the same and for them it all passed too.
It will be fine, allow yourself to admit you are disappointed but be prepared be proved wrong.

Tbh it sounds more to me as if it might be pressure from your partner & family that has caused this?

Is your partner the father of your other two children?

If so, I can''t see why they'd care either way when they already have a child/GC of each sex.

What you are feeling is totally normal and it will pass! I see so many women online who feel the same that you do and in time they all come to terms with it . Your dp family will also have to come to terms with it too and I'm sure they will love this boy just as much as the first

[quote Notable]@ShowOfHands This op already has both a son and a daughter so presumably has an understanding of how each sex fits into her particular family dynamic.

I realise you’re trying to tell me that her feelings are irrational but real to her. That’s fine.

I think it’s really immature and silly.[/quote]
Have you considered becoming a counsellor? Or maybe helping people with phobias? Because my mate is terrified of spiders to the extent it is ruining her life but I reckon calling her immature and silly would be quite the tonic.

Why can't people just be the same as you eh @Notable

When you have one DC, it's natural to worry that you could not possibly ever love the second as much. Yet we do. So don't worry that you will not love or bond with your DS2 as much as you did with your DS1 - there is a whole other place waiting to explode love out! (But you know this already as a seasoned mum of 2)

A PP was spot on in pointing out that it's better for your DD that you are having a boy. It's like she 'doesn't count' as a DD to your ILs, which is a horrible attitude for them to allude to or even express. And they probably would have treated her differently.

Why is it taboo to feel disappointed about your baby? Really?
You’re disappointed to be having a son and you’re not sure why people don’t get it?

I really hope you didn’t feel under pressure to have a girl by your new partners family.

I get your feelings OP.

There were loads of us who experienced losses and heartache along the way to becoming parents who said the same on our thread too. You just build up these ideas and worries etc and for most people they go away on their own with some reflection and time ....there are loads of articles about it online so you are not alone and it is common!

Thanks for the reassurances ladies! It really does help to know others have felt similarly and its all turned out just fine. I'm going to give myself some time and try some of the suggestions to help.
Just want to add my DD is absolutely adored by the in laws. She's spoilt rotten by them and treated the same as her brother. I do feel that there was pressure from my mil for a girl, but not in a negative way. We've had differences but she has honestly done more for both my children than my own mother. She had 2 boys so it was her chance to be able to knit pink and buy girly things for a baby (my daughter isn't a fan of anything like that 😂. My son is the one that asks for his nails to be done and plays with makeup).