Undecided and it’s paralysing

[Stuck01]

Hi all,
Haven’t posted for a over a year so not sure if in correct section.
I’m currently childfree. Been married a few years and turning 40 at end of year. I’m on the fence about having a baby or not. It actually is quite paralysing!!
I’ve no idea what to do. Try or just leave it. I love my life but feel there is something missing but not sure what. I’m petrified of pregnancy and things going wrong during and after.
I’m sorry for the rant but finding this so overwhelming.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like this?

Do you want to parent a child ? How do you feel if you imagine yourself in ten years and there is a child/children, or there isn’t ? Remember the baby stage is short, so it isn’t about a baby as such, it is a child, and then a teenager, then a young adult.
Sometimes we can overthink things. My DH was like this about babies, but then suddenly decided to stop thinking of the negatives and look at the positives.
I very much wanted children but felt a bit “ oh blimey what have I done?” When I got pregnant ! It was the finality of it, even though I was very happy to be having a baby.

It's a tough one at your age I suppose. As you've not had a previous term pregnancy you never know what your chances of one are.
Can you see your life feeling complete without a child going forward? If not, you should try for one. If it works out then great and you will deal with pregnancy, birth and beyond (most do). If it doesn't work for you and you still feel like there is something missing there are other ways to become a parent. Time may not be on your side though so you need to come to a decision fairly soon.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Absolutely. Realise time isn’t on my side. All I think about it’s the negatives rather than any positives.

I know nobody can make this choice for me. I want children to be involved in my life but just don’t think I can go through with ttc, a pregnancy and birth! It freaks me out beyond any words.

Having a child is much much harder than I expected. I love my DC to bits but my life as I knew it has gone forever.

Don’t have a child unless you are sure you want one. It is completely and utterly life changing - in some ways for the better - but brings with it a lot of stress, worry, sleepless nights (for me anyway)

I felt like that, we had the baby (40 at conception, 41 at birth). It was the best decision ever (for us) and we’ve had a lot of tears that we nearly didn’t take the leap.
But it’s very difficult to know.
I’m still not a baby/child person as far as other people’s kids but I adore mine.

That’s the thing @Roanpony. I’m not sure I want one. I kinda want to be childfree and have 1 too! This obviously isn’t possible.

I know it would change my life beyond all recognition and that scares me too.

Thanks @Megan2018. That’ is nice to hear.

Do you feel that your husband is your family, and that the two of you are enough for each other?

As other posters have noted, what do you envisage when you think of the future (the next 10/15 years to look like)?

I am single (aged 39) and currently pregnant via IVF with a sperm donor. For me a relationship alone wasn't enough, I was previously married, and I knew that I'd do whatever I could to have a child.

I didn't want any regrets so took the leap and the treatment worked (I was fortunate as IVF has low success rates, despite what many people are led to believe). I feel excited about the new dimension and direction my life is going to take, I feel that my life previously was getting quite boring, monotonous and repetitive (the nights out the holidays etc). I simply wanted my own family, more of a meaningful existence, but I appreciate for others, their lives already (and with their partners) might be more than enough and fulfilling.

@anthurium. Congratulations! Lovely news. Glad that Ivf was successful.

My husband is my family. Im so fortunate in that aspect. He is my world.

@Stuck01
It’s not changed my life all that much tbh. It’s been far easier that I feared, DD just slotted in and we do pretty much as we did before.
The early sleep deprivation is a bitch but the rest is just a joy.

If its pregnancy and childbirth that terrifies you but you want a child have you thought about adoption?

Also - and this has been huge for me - be honest about your support network.

I have a DH who massively pulls his weight & highly hands on in-laws who live locally. We’re also not short of money. This all enables me to enjoy parenting as I get time off (which I need). I still get to do my hobby regularly.

However I know too many women who end up doing all the childcare & end up resenting it

@Megan2018. Really?
All I hear from people is that it’s relentless and life is no longer recognisable. That I find impacting. Realise that it is so individual though. How old is your husband?

Yeah. That is definitely an option @JLQ1020.

DD just slotted in and we do pretty much as we did before

I think this depends on your lifestyle really. I have friends whose lives haven’t changed that much because all they did before baby was visit family & go for coffee. Whereas DH and I both had a very time consuming child-unfriendly hobby! So obviously our lives changed more!

My support network is small. My DH has a lot of hobbies and I know he’d struggle with reining them in somewhat. He also has a stressful job. Like I do!

My family wouldn’t want to be on childcare duty etc.They’d just not be interested. My DH’s family might - be they live elsewhere.

*but

Our lives are very low key. We go walking and out for lunch etc but nothing to adventurous!

My support network is small. My DH has a lot of hobbies and I know he’d struggle with reining them in somewhat

If you’re a regular on mumsnet you will probably have seen the frequent posts where a woman has zero “me time” while her husband goes cycling /golf for ten hours each Saturday. It’s a huge source of tension.

I’d definitely be chatting to your DH before TTC & discuss how you would both envisage weekends working if you had kids.

We tend to say (for eg) Saturday morning my me time / Saturday afternoon DH’s me time / Sunday family time. Works well for us

Although I'm a little but younger than you (34 will be 35 when our baby is born) we were also in the same boat... I both wanted and didnt want a child for most of my life and for me I found sitting down and exploring my "why I didn't want a child" thoughts quite helpful.. I came to the conclusion I was scared of life changing.. and so made a list of what I thought might change and why.. (work, holidays and travelling, night outs) and how I would mitigate those and once I realised actually I could still do a lot of the things I wanted to do with a baby I found I wasn't quite so against the idea as I thought and I was scared more than anything. We decided to go ahead but not immediately and waited a few years (I was 32 at the time) as needed time to get our heads around it. We started officially trying end of February and got pregnant in March.

I know I want this baby but I still have the oh sugar what have I done feeling and lots of fears but I've learned that its normal.

Obviously the only one who can decide is you..but those were the steps I took to help me figure out exactly what it was that was stopping/scaring me. Thought I'd share in case it's helpful...but also as reassurance that it's common to be on the fence.

As someone mentioned above there's other options for a child if your not keen on pregnancy/birth :) a friend of mine is looking at adoption for that exact reason.. the idea of bring pregnant just completely puts her off but she's not against the idea of a child (just doesn't want one growing inside of her!)

Personally I think it's dangerous to build your life around a husband and refer to them as your "world" - husbands come and go......

At 40 you've probably got 2-3 years max TTC naturally before the decision is made for you - after that IVF is likely the only option and you've got to be 1000% committed to having a baby to put yourself through that

Yes having children is life changing - for me it was 99% for the better but you see plenty of threads on here where women say they hate being a mother. Being a mother is about sacrificing everything even when you have nothing left. I've seen threads on here where someone terminated a planned baby because they decided they'd rather have lie ins and watch the tv interrupted so it depends on what you value in life

My life is a lot better since I had my LO and couldn’t imagine life without them.
No clue what I would be doing with myself.
Is it hard? 100% but so worth it once their older.
Don’t live with regrets, but if your not 100% I wouldn’t do it, life long commitment.
Write the pros and cons down so you can see it wrote down

I love my DS and am pregnant with my second.

But I would say if you aren’t overcome with a maternal desire to have kids, don’t bother. I don’t think a fear of regret is enough to warrant having one.

@Taenia. Thank you! That’s helpful. Congratulations to you!

I can only imagine that relationships become tested when it’ comes to “time off” from being there.
I’m glad my DH is my world. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Maybe naively I believe we’ll be together forever.

We would never try ivf. We’ve already decided that. And I am pro choice. I’d never judge why someone chooses to not continue a pregnancy. For whatever reason.

@Stuck01
My husband is 5 years older, so he was 45 at conception, 46 at birth. We have no practical help from family as they aren’t local (although they are supportive).
We both have busy jobs and lives, I have a horse. I took 13.5 months mat leave which was epic. DD now 21 months and we love the life we have now, no regrets.
I also loved pregnancy and despite fears had a vaginal birth with no damage. I don’t even have a single stretch mark. I was expecting it to be horrendous. But I know I might just be lucky.

@DinoHat. I don’t think I am.

But this makes me so sad.

Why? Because you feel like you ought to?