Undecided and it’s paralysing

[Stuck01]

Hi all,
Haven’t posted for a over a year so not sure if in correct section.
I’m currently childfree. Been married a few years and turning 40 at end of year. I’m on the fence about having a baby or not. It actually is quite paralysing!!
I’ve no idea what to do. Try or just leave it. I love my life but feel there is something missing but not sure what. I’m petrified of pregnancy and things going wrong during and after.
I’m sorry for the rant but finding this so overwhelming.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like this?

What is it you like about being childfree at the moment?

If you're big into travelling (not right now, I know), then having a child will change that. If you like going out to concerts, plays, meals and to the cinema, then having a child will change that. How much would you miss it?

If you like your family unit, exploring the countryside together, gathering with friends and family... then having an extra family member will change that but a child can be included and enjoy all these activities too!

How comfortable are you financially? Will having a child change things from being able to afford small luxuries, like M&S food, staying in hotels for holidays and getting the odd taxi to having to be more careful? If so, it might be a big adjustment. Would you mind?
If having a child won't radically change your standard of living, then the adjustment will be much easier.

I'm pregnant with my first at 39 and whilst I've always wanted children and super happy, I have found the mental adjustment harder than I'd anticipated. The idea of not being able to travel freely, needing to watch spending just like when I was younger and also know that my career progression is bound to slow / stop isn't that easy to process.

The thing is, pregnancy and childbirth is the easy bit.

Things get so complicated afterwards. Both of mine were Velcro babies who fed almost constantly for 6 months (had to learn to breastfeed in a sling). The days are so long when they're little, and I had no respite. I haven't had a lie-in past 6.30 for 9 years. I've barely been out on my own in 9 years, except to work.

DS1 also has an Asperger's/ADHD diagnosis, which has made school not-straightforward.

Sorry to give a negative view, but it is just so hard. I love my boys with everything I have. I am also completely knackered.

Would something like fostering interest you? You mentioned having children in your life in some way. I could be wrong but I thought it is possible to do this on a part time basis such as weekends. Might be worth thinking about, I’ve always thought it sounded so rewarding.

@HelpfulBelle. It’s exactly this that puts me completely off. It almost makes me feel sick. Ridiculous I know.

@Iris2020. I can appreciate why you feel like this. Our lives are very low key. We aren’t at concerts etc. Don’t see friends all that often but do enjoy the freedom to do what when we want.

What is it about TTC, pregnancy and birth that scares you?

I worry about having something growing inside me. And it terrifies me something will go wrong during pregnancy and labour.

These are relatively new concerns but they consume me.

@DinoHat. I can’t even tell you why it makes me sad.

@Stuck01 It's not ridiculous to have misgivings, it shows that you've anticipated the difficulties, which most people don't (I didn't!!). It really is Schroedinger's Cat - if you don't do it, you'll never know.

Could you maybe get some help with these anxious feelings related to TTC and pregnancy/birth? Perhaps these feelings are overbearing and clouding your judgement. Had you not had these fears would you happily start TTC?

I’ve actually started to speak with a counsellor. I’m not sure how good it will be but we’ll see. Anxiety is a bitch.

It’s difficult to know if 1) I just don’t want to be a parent, or 2) it is anxiety preventing me.

Deep sigh.

What does your DH think? It's his decision too. Do your views on parenting/ childcare etc match or can you both compromise?

andivfmakes3 is right on husband aspect.

He’s happy to do what I want.

My logical brain says I should leave it, but then I keep questioning it.
Why is it so very hard?

He’s happy to do what I want. Helpful and unhelpful.

I'm in the same shoes as you @Stuck01. I've been stuck on this one myself for 10 years probably. I'm 35 now. DH and I decided to stop using contraception a year ago. I've been unsure the whole time. We would not do IVF either.

@NutellaEllaElla. It isn’t easy is it?
I envy those women who just know that it’s yes or no.

Me too 😕

Looks like we damned if we do and damned if we don’t!

Thanks @Megan2018 for your positivity. It’s all such doom and gloom otherwise.

I’m fully aware of the negatives. Very rarely are the positives mentioned. This is as with most things in life though.

Or maybe we'll be fine either way?

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I don't dwell on other regrets, so if I didn't have kids, you can't miss something you never had and so why would my regret be intolerable?

Regret is just another emotion that you can deal with.

Also, it seems that most people don't regret having kids.

You are right @NutellaEllaElla.

It’s just because it seem acute at the moment with my impending age!

OP I was your age, and i was also really scared of birth, less so of pregnancy, but I was worried about something going wrong.
I wanted to be a mother, I couldn’t really imagine not being one. I had always imagined having a child.
Yes it can be really difficult at times, but like anything really rewarding, that process of learning to parent also changed me in lots of good ways. I found the shift from the focus being on me, to the focus being on someone else very freeing. I am a better person for having had my dds. Also it has brought absolute joy to my life. I have two dds and they are amazing people. They are teenagers now and this time is challenging in a different way.
The love for your child is like nothing else. I didn’t mind my life changing , staying in etc, because I was 41 when i had my first baby and i had spent years going out !

It is hard

From the moment I got pregnant with ds1 my life changed (reasons to do with my job)

I had 2 dc in very quick succession

Zero family support and I did struggle when they were tiny. I met lots of fabulous friends through my children and that helped a lot.

But my life is a million times better, more fulfilling, more complete with my sons in it

Good luck with whatever you decide

@Stuck01 only you can decide what right for your personal circumstances.

Having kids has 100% improved our life. I cant imagine not having them. Yes it comes with early mornings, some stressful days, emotional days especially when they are babies. However when they look at you with those big eyes and you can see that you are their absolute world, it takes all the hard times away. The cuddles, their little laugh, watching them learn and master new things every day. It's amazing.

Me and Dh would go away most weekends, go out with friends etc.. kids can still slot in somewhat to that. We still go out and about at weekends, they come and play with friends kids we still have a good social life.

Being a mum is as someone else mentioned.. giving everything you have to these little people. In return they give you everything they have xx

I would try OP. Of course it's scary - it's a major daunting life change.

But it sounds from your posts like you do want to try.

I think it's more common to feel the regret of not doing it than the regret of doing it.

@SirVixofVixHall how close together did you have your dss? I'm 41 and baby number 1 is due in 5 weeks. Likely that we will only have one, but in some ways this makes me sad and would love 2.