Undecided and it’s paralysing

[Stuck01]

Hi all,
Haven’t posted for a over a year so not sure if in correct section.
I’m currently childfree. Been married a few years and turning 40 at end of year. I’m on the fence about having a baby or not. It actually is quite paralysing!!
I’ve no idea what to do. Try or just leave it. I love my life but feel there is something missing but not sure what. I’m petrified of pregnancy and things going wrong during and after.
I’m sorry for the rant but finding this so overwhelming.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like this?

2 years and 4m between them. Don’t give up hope. I had to wait at least a year before trying again as I’d had a c-section, I got pregnant again at 42 and a half , literally the first night we tried , and had my baby at 43. I was tempted to try for a third but too tired by then !!

@andivfmakes3

Personally I think it's dangerous to build your life around a husband and refer to them as your "world" - husbands come and go......

At 40 you've probably got 2-3 years max TTC naturally before the decision is made for you - after that IVF is likely the only option and you've got to be 1000% committed to having a baby to put yourself through that

Yes having children is life changing - for me it was 99% for the better but you see plenty of threads on here where women say they hate being a mother. Being a mother is about sacrificing everything even when you have nothing left. I've seen threads on here where someone terminated a planned baby because they decided they'd rather have lie ins and watch the tv interrupted so it depends on what you value in life

@andivfmakes3

Husbands come and go?! Sheesh! Maybe in your experience, but for me, I love my husband more than anyone or anything in the world, and he will not "go". I'm really sorry to hear that from anyone, and it sounds like you've had some bad experiences. I wouldn't assume that others' experiences are the same as yours, though. Mine certainly isn't, and it sounds like the OP's isn't either.

@Stuck01 I never felt particularly maternal and my husband and I were very much undecided. A few months after we got married we decided we would see what happens, but we were of the view that we could be happy just us if it didn’t happen. I got pregnant fairly quickly but sadly we lost our first baby at 20 weeks. When our baby was born and I held him in my arms I was completely overwhelmed by the love that I had for him and instantly felt like a Mum. I am now 29 weeks pregnant with our second baby and hopefully we will get to bring this one home. Just a different perspective to the view that you have to feel maternal before you have children, because I certainly didn’t. Nor do I think you have to know it is something you want. Equally, if you decide that you don’t want children that is absolutely fine too!

Thanks everyone. Your posts have been helpful.
Sorry to hear about your loss @notinthestarsigns. How difficult that must have been. It’s helpful that you think that’ people don’t always know what they want children too.

@Whoevenknows79. That is exciting! Congratulations.

And yes @RainatMoonlight. Absolutely! I love my husband so much. We have a great relationship. I realise I’m fortunate in that aspect.

Pregnancy and birth are for a lot of women the easy hot (certainly for me, I had no morning sickness, no real weight gain and a very straightforward if painful vaginal birth).

The newborn stage has been so much harder than I imagined though. Exhausting. Relentless. So much more tension in my relationship that wasn’t there before. And I have enough money and family support to take breaks.

That said I always wanted a child and not a baby. Hoping this is a phase that passes and I’m going to be more of a toddler person than loving the baby stage.

I waited till I was 100% sure I wanted a baby, before I was indifferent and I would not have coped with the newborn stage if I was still in that space.

Thanks @Stuck01 I totally understand where you are at the moment. I can't imagine never being a mum or not having a family, but at the same time can't quite imagine being a mum and the life change (despite being 5 weeks from my due date). I think it's hard not to think of what you're giving up, when you dont have anything to replace it yet.

Definitely @Whoevenknows79. I think it’s the unknown isn’t it.
We kinda sound similar. Kinda same age too! What you are saying really resonates with me.

@Newmum29. It sounds tough and it seems that’ is the consensus! I hope things ease off for you very soon. Sending you positive and comforting thoughts.

Thanks Stuck, am sure it gets easier but honestly I do wish I’d listened to people who told me it was hard because my expectations were just not realistic

Xx

My situation was different but I can relate to feeling paralysed by the decision making process. It's difficult because you will never really know what the alternative path would have looked like.

What helped in the end was, once we'd explored all the options to death and even spoken to a counsellor, we gave ourselves a deadline to make a decision, and then tried very hard not think too much about the options we didn't take.

I'm now very happy with our decision 😁

It changed my life but for the better without a doubt and I say this and my husband is far from useless but it does not change the dads life in the same way we live and breathe then he genuinely doesn't worry or think much about her when not with her. I feel like I won't ever be able to switch off now

I felt like this about DC2. Eventually we just thought we'll let nature decide. It did and I'm having DC2 next month. Sometimes decisions are just too big to make and you have to just let life take the course that was intended for you.

You should only have a child if you want to be a mum. Don’t have a baby because you’re bored right now or feel it’s something you HAVE to tick off your bucket list.

Thanks all

Hi, I know this is an old thread however I’m same age and situation as you 4 years on, what did you decide?