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Original poster

Relationship strain over pram for PFB

67 replies

5475878237NC · 02/05/2021 16:09

Hi everyone, after an outsider's perspective please.

It's been about 10 years since I first started trying to become a mum. Finally pregnant with rainbow baby, and a lot of heartache to get a pregnancy to last this far. I had a lot of loss with my ex-husband and we divorced in part because of the strain of it. Been with my new partner (unmarried) 4 years. I add this in because my partner is aware of, but was not part of that sad history, although he and I have also lost a baby in the second trimester. I would have thought he would get just how much this means to me as a first time older mum.

Baby due in summer (God willing). Looking at prams. Every time we discuss it he makes comments that really get me down e.g. about not needing a carrycot because baby can lie flat in a seat, or how feminine the designs are I like and he won't push it if we choose that one, or the cost even though I am looking at no more than £1500 and we are not short of money...basically something negative, and is very dismissive of what having a pram I like means to me.

This is the only thing I want to buy new. Everything else (apart from mattress) we have got is second hand inc bed, clothes, prep machine, nappies, changing bag, baby carrier, playmat, changing mat...

I suggested that I take on more consultancy work to pay for it myself and he said no that would be money we could spend on something more important. I suggested that I just get the carrycot and we get a second hand chassis and he said only if he can choose a second hand seat pack that is not feminine.

Is this normal? Is this OK? Where am I going wrong here? We are not married, so is it right that he gets to tell me what I can and can't buy the baby? It is making me feel really upset and confused.

I have never experienced anything like this from him before.

OP posts:
Trixie78 · 02/05/2021 16:13

Buy the pram you want just ignore him. He'll get over the disappointment! Congratulations 🎉

SoupDragon · 02/05/2021 16:14

We are not married, so is it right that he gets to tell me what I can and can't buy the baby?

Parenting is about compromise. There will be lots of occasions along the way where you won't get your top choice of whatever.

Good luck for the summer!

PegPeople · 02/05/2021 16:16

To be totally honest a pram that's a solid neutral colour will always be the most practical irrespective of how much it costs. There is a very good reason most people buy black as it hides a multitude of sins. I understand you want to splurge because it's a much longed for purchase but my honest advice would be buy neutral and if possible buy second hand. So many people buy an expensive pram or travel system hate it and then sell it hardly used for 1/3 of the price. Obviously he cannot tell you what to spend your money on but prams don't need to cost a fortune.

starpatch · 02/05/2021 16:18

If it helps I think you are right to buy a new pram as I ended up buying 4 different buggies as my second hand ones didn't last! I'm sorry your partner has upset you at this time.

mayblossominapril · 02/05/2021 16:18

Its your first baby, if you want a brand new expensive pram in unicorn glitter buy it!
My experience of prams is one won't do all you need it to and you will buy something else later, possibly second hand. Ive had pram/pushchairs.
The carrycot is only useful for the first few weeks but I found mine (and my first was a whopper) too small for just lie flat. I think I used the carrycot for my second for 12 weeks. She wasn't too long for it, just kept vomiting on it and was staining it! With hindsight would it of mattered.

You can get some good bargains on the manufactures outlet sites, a special edition colour and there's only a car seat left for example.

Lottielovescake · 02/05/2021 16:20

Welcome to parenthood - there will be lots more of these joint decisions about caring for this little one! It depends on what the pram is for I suppose: is it just for you to use to push baby around or is it for him AND you to use? Will he be buying another one or will this be the sole pram that you’ll both be using? If so, why not pick one you’re both happy with? You’ll be so overjoyed on the summer that I’m sure your pram won’t matter one joy in the end. I hope everything goes amazingly for you OP, good luck with everything Smile

SpnBaby1967 · 02/05/2021 16:21

My advice is think less about what the pram looks like and more about the practicalities.

Black hides all sorts of stains (I briefly had a pink pushchair and it showed up every sweat stain from my daughters head)
Do you want one with 2 handles or a push bar?
Where will you mostly be walking? Would it suit inflatable tyres or more solid wheels?
Is it easy to fold?
Fit comfortably in a car boot or on a bus?

Honestly, you need to go and test drive a pram anyway. Make sure you can put it up and down yourself easily and lift in to a car for example.

I do understand the desire for the perfect looking pram, but sometimes looks are totally impractical.

bunglebee · 02/05/2021 16:24

I think you're investing an awwwwwwwful lot in this decision. To you this is the culmination of 10 years of losses and a divorce and the fulfilment of your dreams and the expression of your personality etc etc etc. He thinks you're buying something for both of you to push your baby about in.

A pram is a big purchase (especially if you're looking at spending four figures, Jesus Christ) and I don't think it's unreasonable of him to have a view about how it looks especially if he'll be the one pushing it regularly. To be honest I agree with him; feminine will reduce the resale value a lot and I'd cringe at having to push it. And £1500 is a huge amount to spend on something when you'll quite possibly not really figure out what you need until after you've had the baby.

But basically, you probably need to tell him what this represents to you, but also take the pressure out of this decision. It's just a pram.

Bluntness100 · 02/05/2021 16:24

I just think pick your battles, really the pair of you are arguing over the design, just buy a neutral one you’re both comfortable in using.

dementedpixie · 02/05/2021 16:27

I would buy a more unisex colour and then accessorise with more feminine coloured blankets, etc (if its a girl you're having). Light colours show up dirt more

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot1 · 02/05/2021 16:27

I would buy a neutral one, only fair if you will both be pushing it. You can buy a full travel set and extras on websites such as online4baby for less than £500 new.

littleducks · 02/05/2021 16:29

Two of my three children were pram refusers! Screamed at being confined /flat /not held. Younger one I invested in a stretchy cloth skiing and didn't use anything on wheels until he was a toddler.

Bizarrely my middle child loved his buggy and would climb in it himself for naps!

So I wouldn't invest too much incase your child hates it or you find it is impractical when your new routines and lifestyle.

gamerchick · 02/05/2021 16:29

Tell him you'll get the pram you want and he can choose the buggy he wants.

Although my brain balks at spending 1500 quid on something they're not in long. But it's your money and baby.

Roselilly36 · 02/05/2021 16:30

Many congrats OP Flowers Have the pram you want.

Floralnomad · 02/05/2021 16:34

Just buy what you want , I would say that we only had a carry cot with one of our pram systems and I reckon it got used a handful of times so definitely not worth it ( my mum insisted and she was paying ) . Maybe you use them more if you are a walk to the shops type person , I drove everywhere at that point so a car seat that plonked onto the wheels was the way to go .

Chelyanne · 02/05/2021 16:42

I get his logic, prams are stupid prices these days.
My husband has never moaned about how femine a design is. Our twins had a bright pink stroller with matching bag and he pushed that and carried the bag around no problems lol (it was a bargain price wise though). We were limited on boot space so couldn't go with one of those high price travel system type prams. The one were getting this time is less than £60 with raincover.

If you have your heart set on a pram then by all means get it. He'll get over it eventually and you could sell it on when you no longer need it.

UnbeatenMum · 02/05/2021 16:43

Seems fair that he shouldn't be embarrassed to push it, also fair that you should love it too and get the features that are important to you. Maybe a new pram at a lower price that's not too feminine might be a workable compromise. Have you looked at the Bugaboo Fox 2?

Mix56 · 02/05/2021 16:57

I think there are 2 things going on here. You have been waiting all these years to buy a pram, & its like a trophy.
He hasn't understood just the symbolism of it. & wants to be comfortable to push your baby around in Mummy's type kit.
So you should explain to him
& he should try & compromise.
I agree with him, It is a waste of money to splurge on a mega pram purchase, you should do some research, about which ones are compact/easy to fold/fit in the boot/necessary at all ?
I had a car seat & a 4x4 buggy, in the end I rarely used the buggy & used a back pack. as it suited out lives/terrain better.
But I understand for you its a symbol of having finally made it !!!

Jessbow · 02/05/2021 16:58

Look for a compromise- even a neutral smart navy one can be jazzed up/prettified with food muffs

You really wont use it for long

Original poster
5475878237NC · 02/05/2021 16:59

Thank you everyone for your comments.

No I haven't looked at the Bugaboo Fox 2 I will thank you.

OP posts:
Orangebug · 02/05/2021 17:03

It’s his baby too! Just because you’re not married, he still gets a say in parenting decisions - assuming he’s contributing equally to all the financial costs of having a baby?

I get that this seems really important to you OP, given how long you’ve waited for this baby. But there will be LOTS more parenting decisions coming up. The two of you need to learn to compromise.

Original poster
5475878237NC · 02/05/2021 17:04

Sorry posted too soon.

Yes it definitely represents something very significant to me that I have tried to explain to him but perhaps not very well. I guess I thought I was offering to compromise by earning the money to pay for it, getting everything else second hand, and/or only getting the carrycot in the design I like (so much cheaper than the £1500 for the system). You are right of course that he will use it too sometimes I expect/hope so I wouldn't want him to hate it.

Really appreciate the perspective.

OP posts:
LividJabber · 02/05/2021 17:06

What’s this really about on his side, cos it doesn’t sound like it’s about the pram.

Is he normally an arse about stuff that’s important to you? Is he worried about money? Is he one of those macho types? What’s the beef?

YellowGlasses · 02/05/2021 17:08

I can’t think of a single feminine pram that I found practical for the sort of things I wanted a pram for, which was largely off road. I’d be more focused on a pram that you both find comfortable to push, especially if your partner is a lot taller than you. Remember that you can always buy a feminine cover or blanket and decorate with various toys etc.

Parenting is one long compromise and I don’t think a pram is usually worth the money they cost when buying new.

Are you disagreeing about anything else that’s quite big eg name etc?

HenryHooverIII · 02/05/2021 17:08

It does sound like you have a lot of emotional over investment in the pram. I do understand why, I really do. But it is only a pram. As PP have said, there are going to be much, much bigger arguments you're going to have over the years. Who's doing the nursery drop offs and pick ups? Who's booking the school holidays off? Parenting is very much about compromise. Being able to really listen to what a partner has to say even if it isn't what you want.

I agree with him on the carry cot. Both of my two grew out of it by 8 weeks old. I would have been annoyed if I'd spent extra money on one (mine came included). Who will be using the pram most? How much will you be using it? When mine were babies, I mainly used the car seat on the pram chassis because we had to use the car. Can you fit a carry cot and a pram in the boot of your car?

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