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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Relationship strain over pram for PFB

67 replies

5475878237NC · 02/05/2021 16:09

Hi everyone, after an outsider's perspective please.

It's been about 10 years since I first started trying to become a mum. Finally pregnant with rainbow baby, and a lot of heartache to get a pregnancy to last this far. I had a lot of loss with my ex-husband and we divorced in part because of the strain of it. Been with my new partner (unmarried) 4 years. I add this in because my partner is aware of, but was not part of that sad history, although he and I have also lost a baby in the second trimester. I would have thought he would get just how much this means to me as a first time older mum.

Baby due in summer (God willing). Looking at prams. Every time we discuss it he makes comments that really get me down e.g. about not needing a carrycot because baby can lie flat in a seat, or how feminine the designs are I like and he won't push it if we choose that one, or the cost even though I am looking at no more than £1500 and we are not short of money...basically something negative, and is very dismissive of what having a pram I like means to me.

This is the only thing I want to buy new. Everything else (apart from mattress) we have got is second hand inc bed, clothes, prep machine, nappies, changing bag, baby carrier, playmat, changing mat...

I suggested that I take on more consultancy work to pay for it myself and he said no that would be money we could spend on something more important. I suggested that I just get the carrycot and we get a second hand chassis and he said only if he can choose a second hand seat pack that is not feminine.

Is this normal? Is this OK? Where am I going wrong here? We are not married, so is it right that he gets to tell me what I can and can't buy the baby? It is making me feel really upset and confused.

I have never experienced anything like this from him before.

OP posts:

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/05/2021 17:13

Why shouldn't he have a say in the pram you choose? It's as much his baby as yours so it's a joint decision surely.

Viviennemary · 02/05/2021 17:15

Its far too much money for a pram. But if you are using your own money to buy it that's up to you..

HR313 · 02/05/2021 17:33

Seems a little bit controlling (your OH) I would say buy the pram you want! We bought a bugaboo buffalo for my daughter and I would say it’s money well spent! Used it until she was about 3 and will be using it again for our second due in September. Then will most likely sell on as we aren’t having anymore children after this one.

BuffyFanForever · 02/05/2021 17:37

I’m sorry for your losses and everything you have been through. Please get the one you want. It is part of your dream and something you have clearly wanted for a long time. It seems like it means a lot to you so go and get the one you like! When it comes down to it if he is that uncomfortable pushing the pram (slightly ridiculous in my personal opinion) he can go and get another one himself can’t he. You deserve to enjoy the experience of pushing your baby along in their pram (god willing). I don’t have an expensive pram but absolutely love pushing my twins along, we too had a long journey to get them. I would say check if it will fit in lifts etc as our doesn’t which is a pain! Sending good wishes.

DungeonKeeper · 02/05/2021 17:46

I bought a bugaboo bee as it had a newborn snug insert rather than a carry cot that they would have grown out of within five minutes. You need to compromise. Neutral is easier. One of my friends bought some hideous pram with a massive bow on it, there is no way my DH would have pushed it. To be honest neither would I... Don’t forget it’s his baby too, I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through though, congratulations!

Dowermouse · 02/05/2021 17:55

It sounds really upsetting, I hope everything goes well for your and your baby. I didn't even buy a pram until my first was 6 months old, so I don't have a qualified opinion, but I also hope he shuts up and let's you get on with buying the pram you love.
On a side note, I wouldn't use a second hand Perfect Prep machine, they can get pretty grim inside. Ditch it and wait to see if you actually need one.

Rosieposy89 · 02/05/2021 17:57

You need to compromise on it. I'm pregnant after infertility so I get being emotionally invested in it, but parenting is about compromise. Maybe if you pick the pram and he picks the nursery theme something like that? I'm being very careful to ensure my husband is involved in every decision regarding baby, it's harder for men in a way as they can feel excluded from pregnancy/childbirth as so much focus is on the woman/baby

blueandcream · 02/05/2021 18:00

I was far too sensible in pregnancy.

I wish I’d bought a posh pram.

Go for it, Op.

Echobelly · 02/05/2021 18:05

The fact is, it is a thing worth investing in as you will use it a lot for a long time! I have to say, I got a fairly cheap one, and used a car seat adaptor when DS was tiny so he was backwards facing. I did without a carrycot, and they don't tend to get used that much, unless you're going to spend a lot of time visiting people and it could be useful as you can put them down to sleep anywhere I suppose.

It's a bit daft of your DH to be uncomfortable using a 'feminine' looking pram - really, I'm sure his masculinity can survive it!

Sometimes when my DH is just 'meh' about all choices, I'll say 'Look, I care about this and you seem indifferent to all the suggestions, so can I just choose this and be done with it?'

Flappityflippers1 · 02/05/2021 18:08

Your partner needs to like the pram too - and there is no perfect pram I’m afraid, they all have a compromise (I’ve had 50+..!)

I would take a look at bugaboo - you can buy different hoods to change up the look. Excellent quality. The carrycot and seat unit are fabric and fit to the seat frame (so no storing a big carrycot when it’s quickly outgrown). They’re also fantastic quality. I got my cam 3 second hand, it’s being used for its third baby now, and still great condition.

Iwonder08 · 02/05/2021 19:04

Fuck that, go and buy the pram you want. You are the one having to go through miscarriages and carry the baby, absolutely buy the pram

Changechangychange · 02/05/2021 19:17

You are seeing this as something very symbolic, and want something equivalent to a Lamborghini - wildly impractical, super-expensive, but the object of your dreams. He wants a Skoda Octavia - probably much more practical for car seats, way cheaper, but also not going to excite anybody.

I would say buy the ludicrously expensive pram, because this is something that means so much to you. But I would fully expect you’ll replace it with a CityJogger or Bugaboo after a month or two, because they just work better.

Sauvignonblanket · 02/05/2021 20:03

You need to pick something you're both happy pushing around solo. It's so important that he does his share right from the start.

Whitewolf2 · 02/05/2021 20:34

Firstly congrats on the pregnancy! I see your point of view and where you are coming from. However my husband was very keen on gender neutral pram, bag etc and I was ok to compromise as it’s our baby, and joint purchases we’d both use. We got a lovely teal pram in the end. We got a carrycot, may have used it 4 or 5 times, which was not a great return on investment!

TwoPaperAirplanes · 02/05/2021 21:21

I spent SO LONG choosing a pram for a much longed for DC. Loved it. Magically got pregnant with dc2 when dc1 was 3 months old. Had to sell the pram to buy a double pram. Then another double pram. Then another single buggy...

I agree with pp that neutral is best, resells well and actually you both need to use it.

I understand what it means to you, symbolically, but you do need to be practical.

Also dc1 grew out of carrycot in WEEKS, while I loved it it was a waste of money but resale value was decent. So if you want one get one in a neutral colour that's an addition to the system you want (I assume bugaboo or egg?)

Ameteurmum · 02/05/2021 21:39

I feel like you’ve waited so long for a pregnancy you should buy whatever bloody pram you want! I wanted a bugaboo when I had my second and my husband told me I wasn’t a cast member on made in Chelsea 🙈 I bought a second hand one and I have loved it every day. He hates it and complains about it but it honestly bought me so much joy just pushing it down the street.
Sometimes these little things are important xxx

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/05/2021 21:41

Get a Bugaboo, they’re great and look fab too.

wagonwheelsforever · 02/05/2021 21:45

Wow ! Buy the pram you want !! I have the most feminine pram I had ever seen and still never seen anyone else with it and my partner doesn't have a problem with it one bit ! He sounds like an arse , buy the pram and if he hates it he can buy a lie flat stroller to use when baby is a few months old , don't miss out on the things you wish you'd got you may hold on to that resentment forever with all the reasons and feelings you have from ten years of wanting this x

Jellybean81 · 02/05/2021 21:53

The compromise I would go for is to buy the pram (including carrycot) that you love but in a colour way that you can both live with as he'll be taking baby out in it too. We splurged on the uppababy vista which I loved and used pretty much everyday for 2.5 years. we're now having number 2 so will be using it again with new sheepskin insert and footmuff to freshen it up. As someone with a complex baby history I well understand the symbolism attached to THE pram and it's wrong for him to make you feel guilty about this.

mummysharkk · 02/05/2021 21:53

My dh sounded similar to begin with!

He would only want new but when I said i liked one that was £650 he said no, it was too much... not realising that was fairly cheap!
He also said nothing to feminine as he won't push it.

Ended up having the pram/ pushchair/ travel seat set for £1k and he was happy for that as he'd seen a lot and realised he wanted something decent in his view!

When dc was a toddler a stroller I'd always loved was on offer and I called him asking to buy, he said yes (without seeing it). It was bright pink lol and the strangest thing was he didn't bat an eyelid the first time we went out with it and just proudly pushed his baby!

I would totally go for the one you want- I had an impractical pale colour lol but so glad I did I loved it and people always commented on it!

RachelRaven · 02/05/2021 21:59

I can’t imagine being with a man who is such a delicate snowflake he couldn't possibly push his child in a pram he considered too feminine.

jollyho · 02/05/2021 22:00

I’m with others and would get a neutral pram. However all the posters going on about not using the carrycot for long. We used ours daily for 6 months and he regularly slept in it until around 1 years old.

Horehound · 02/05/2021 22:05

I think its wrong of your partner to say you could use any money you work extra for on something else when that wasn't the reason you'd work extra in the first place.
I'm surprised at the responses actually. Your partner sounds really difficult. I imagine this will be the first of many things.

What do you mean he says baby can lie flat on a seat?! Carry cot is so handy!

Horehound · 02/05/2021 22:05

@RachelRaven

I can’t imagine being with a man who is such a delicate snowflake he couldn't possibly push his child in a pram he considered too feminine.

I know, he sounds utterly pathetic.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 02/05/2021 22:06

To me, the pram was a big deal! In know it's not really the most important thing, but like you I had waited a bloody long time to get my baby and wanted a sparkling new one!

Went for the uppababy vista and was able to sell it to my husband (who thought prams were a ridiculous waste of money) by pointing out the practical things about it such as the inbuilt sunshade, massive basket and the fact that the carry cot can also be used for night time sleeping so useful when going away etc. We went for a navy blue colour that is not feminine at all.

You deserve the pram you want OP. Make sure you get your way with this one!

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