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Original poster

Relationship strain over pram for PFB

67 replies

5475878237NC · 02/05/2021 16:09

Hi everyone, after an outsider's perspective please.

It's been about 10 years since I first started trying to become a mum. Finally pregnant with rainbow baby, and a lot of heartache to get a pregnancy to last this far. I had a lot of loss with my ex-husband and we divorced in part because of the strain of it. Been with my new partner (unmarried) 4 years. I add this in because my partner is aware of, but was not part of that sad history, although he and I have also lost a baby in the second trimester. I would have thought he would get just how much this means to me as a first time older mum.

Baby due in summer (God willing). Looking at prams. Every time we discuss it he makes comments that really get me down e.g. about not needing a carrycot because baby can lie flat in a seat, or how feminine the designs are I like and he won't push it if we choose that one, or the cost even though I am looking at no more than £1500 and we are not short of money...basically something negative, and is very dismissive of what having a pram I like means to me.

This is the only thing I want to buy new. Everything else (apart from mattress) we have got is second hand inc bed, clothes, prep machine, nappies, changing bag, baby carrier, playmat, changing mat...

I suggested that I take on more consultancy work to pay for it myself and he said no that would be money we could spend on something more important. I suggested that I just get the carrycot and we get a second hand chassis and he said only if he can choose a second hand seat pack that is not feminine.

Is this normal? Is this OK? Where am I going wrong here? We are not married, so is it right that he gets to tell me what I can and can't buy the baby? It is making me feel really upset and confused.

I have never experienced anything like this from him before.

OP posts:
WhoIsH · 02/05/2021 22:14

It does sound like you are over invested in your pram purchase....practicality should be your priority, so thinking about what will work around your lifestyle. You can buy decent travel system for around £500, no need to spend so much. We used the carrycot bit for about 4 months and it's sat in the loft since.

MatthewHBpig · 02/05/2021 22:18

@RachelRaven

I can’t imagine being with a man who is such a delicate snowflake he couldn't possibly push his child in a pram he considered too feminine.

THIS

1500 does seem a staggering amount to spend but that's up to you.

My exH was like this though.

Refused an extra blanket for the baby when carrying her in sling at 3wks old because he'd look like "a dick" -blanket was pinky striped.

refusing to be involved in carrying any kind feminine change bag because he "look a dick"

I'd watch your back and he didn't get better. We are divorced as it all remained to be about how he looked- ahead of the welfare of the child.

We are divorced as the general theme of his ego never went away unfortunately.

MatthewHBpig · 02/05/2021 22:19

Sorry didn't mean to repeat the divorced but!

Italiandreams · 02/05/2021 22:28

I agree with another poster, we used our carrycot loads! Fitted fine until six months and used instead of Moses basket too. We had an iCandy which is suitable for overnight sleeping so perfect for if we were away overnight. I loved our orange and if you can afford it get the one you want! I would advice a dark colour though, we had black and it still looks pretty immaculate.

MsHedgehog · 02/05/2021 22:45

My DH was like that about some of the baby things I wanted but eventually came round. The pram was never an issue though. We spent just under £1500 for the full travel system and so far, have used the carry cot everyday. DS is almost 6 weeks old and he’s on the bigger side, but I see us using it for a good while as the carry cot is a decent size. I also liked how stylish the whole thing looked.

For other things though, DH was funny about what I picked at first, but then always came round once he did his own research. Maybe your partner should research what he wants and see what he comes up with?

nimbuscloud · 02/05/2021 22:58

Everything else (apart from mattress) we have got is second hand inc bed, clothes, prep machine, nappies, changing bag, baby carrier, playmat, changing mat...

Have you not got one single brand new thing for your baby? Apart from this pram?

Cocopogo · 02/05/2021 23:02

Get a flat bed pram. New babies shouldn’t be in travel seat pranks. Not many people seem to know that.

zaffa · 02/05/2021 23:12

I absolutely advocate the carrycot. I don't know the layout of your home, but for me I kept the pram up inside the house and DD was able to safely sleep in the carry cot. I checked with the midwife and the pram was approved for safe sleeping. You can't do that with a lie flat because it's not completely flat, the carrycot is pretty much a Moses basket on wheels and so I could always have DD in the same room as me while she slept, by wheeling her about. I could take her on a walk and get her off to sleep too and not have to move her. She stayed in the carrycot until after three months.

At about eight months I bought a my city jogger which was brilliant but even though it had a carrycot I wouldn't have used that one for my daughter when she was a baby - it wasn't anywhere near as sturdy or robust.

Your DPs reaction seems a bit odd - is he like this about anything else?

AvaCallanach · 03/05/2021 09:49

Inglesina sell bigger carrycots for their travel systems that come with a stand and are safe for overnight sleeping.

RachelRaven · 03/05/2021 11:00

@Cocopogo

Get a flat bed pram. New babies shouldn’t be in travel seat pranks. Not many people seem to know that.
My oldest is 11 and it was well known when i was pregnant that young babies should not be in carseats for more than two hours at a time. They should be flat. There are risks associated with prolonged carseat use. Your DH not allowing you to get a carrycot is very unreasonable.
RachelRaven · 03/05/2021 11:05

@5475878237NC Do you think you might need to speak to your midwife about your partner’s behaviour during your pregnancy?

maryberryslayers · 03/05/2021 11:28

How awful. Any normal husband would be happy for his wife to have what ever pram makes her happy, especially given your history. What right has he got to tell you how to spend your own money.
Don't compromise, buy it all new, you deserve to have what you want if you can afford it.
Tell him he can use his own money to buy a secondhand pram for his sole use as long as it's properly cleaned and age appropriate (I bet he doesn't though!)

Original poster
5475878237NC · 03/05/2021 13:21

Thank you all so much for understanding what this means to me and being kind in your replies. I have been thinking through what you've said across the spectrum of responses.

The pram is very practical for our lifestyle. It gets great reviews on which and on here so people must be buying it apart from me.

What stands out most though reflecting on your replies is, we are coming at this from different places and whilst it represents something to me, similarity it's not really about the pram for him, it's about something else. I need to talk to him to find out what so we can move forward.

Thank you.

OP posts:
FayLiv · 03/05/2021 23:19

I personally think he is the over reacting. You should have the prawn you want and why shouldn't you. I wouldn't necessarily think partner had a huge say in it even if he was paying for it. My partner can put his foot down sometimes however I don't think he wouldn't care about a pram even if he was pushing it from time to time.

I would explain how you feel. You should have what you want if it's important to you.

FayLiv · 03/05/2021 23:27

Pram not prawn 🍤😂 X

Original poster
5475878237NC · 31/07/2023 23:03

I just thought I'd update. I got the pram I wanted and used the large carrycot until 8 months. I still use the pushchair seat attachment on the same chassis over two years later. Best thing I've ever bought.

But it was never about the pram and I thank those of you who advised me of that at the time. It was about control. Him feeling out of control as this big thing was changing in his (our) life.

Many many more issues surfaced around this and other themes and we just couldn't find a way forward together unfortunately.

My baby is gorgeous and the absolute light of my life.

OP posts:
AvaCallanach · 01/08/2023 23:15

I am really sorry to hear about your relationship - and delighted to hear about your lovely baby!

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