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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Are you supposed to just let babies cry?

70 replies

swiftt · 18/04/2021 16:31

Weird question but I’m a first-time mum, due in June. I was talking to a friend today about how I’d bought a stretchy sling to use in the house so I can get things done with baby on me. I’ve heard lots about some babies not wanting to be put down etc, so I want to be prepared. She told me I’d be making a rod for my own back by doing that, and I shouldn’t bother getting a sling and just put the baby down and let them cry. If I pick them up when they cry, I’d be mollycoddling them apparently. My mum had similar comments, so maybe it’s a generational thing. I just have no idea. Should you leave your baby to cry, or pick them up?

OP posts:

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Aprilshowersandhail · 18/04/2021 16:33

Ask yourself did you go through 9 months of pregnancy and labour to then ignore your precious baby when it shows signs it needs you?
Me thinks your friends should be cat owners..

PegPeople · 18/04/2021 16:34

Your mum and friend have very messed up ideas on how best to care for a baby. Of course you don't just leave them to cry. Also before anyone else tells you otherwise you also cannot cuddle them too much or spoil them.

AnnaSW1 · 18/04/2021 16:35

I've never left mine to cry. You can't over comfort or console a crying baby. No housework is so important that I'd leave a baby to cry.

PandemicPalava · 18/04/2021 16:35

Your baby will love being close to you, sling is a great idea and you will have a happy baby who feels confident that you are near

MeridasMum · 18/04/2021 16:35

No one should be leaving a newborn to cry. That's cruel. Sleep training for older babies is a matter of choice and there are some very strong views for and against.

Mollycoddling? How about showing them love and security in the only way they understand? I don't believe you can spoil a baby by loving them.

I'm not sure if it's generational. Can't comment on that.

EmergencyHydrangea · 18/04/2021 16:36

No, this is old fashioned bullshit. We have evolved for our babies to need to be near to us. Babies can't self regulate, they learn that through co regulation. Letting them cry is bad for their brain and emotional development

ohidoliketobe · 18/04/2021 16:36

Read I to the 4th trimester.
Honestly, having tried to be "strict" with my first and then just going in for cuddles and holding and soothing with my second, the latter approach was much easier and stress free and neither baby has grown into a clingy child

emilyfrost · 18/04/2021 16:36

No, you should never just leave a baby to cry. They’re crying because they need something.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 18/04/2021 16:36

I think its pretty unusual now for people to actually advocate leaving a young baby to cry, although many will draw a distinction between 'fussing' and crying and give a fussing/grumbling baby a chance to stop before picking them up. I always picked up / carried my babies, though. Occasionally DC2 had to wait while I was dealing with DC1, but never for long.

Whysolong7 · 18/04/2021 16:37

I had a sling too best thing ever, you can be hands free in supermarkets out for walks and round the house with a cost baby snuggled up close. Best part of having a newborn. And no don’t just let them cry, snuggle and kiss them and cuddle them as much as you can it won’t mollycoddle them it will make them feel safe and loved.

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 18/04/2021 16:38

You at absolutely right, slings are great. It isn't possible to spoil a baby, they just don't have the capacity to manipulate you. Their brains are developing so much after birth, they need you to keep them close and respond to their needs. In doing so they will learn that their needs will be met and the develop a secure attachment which helps them to be more independent as they grow not less.

Original poster

swiftt · 18/04/2021 16:38

That’s what I thought. I’d read advice that says you can’t spoil a newborn, and my plan is that if my baby wants to be held then I’ll hold her. I guess I’ll probably need to get used to receiving unwanted advice about parenting, along the same lines of the unwanted comments about your body that people think they can make just because you’re pregnant.

OP posts:

Foghead · 18/04/2021 16:39

Don’t leave the poor baby to cry. A baby cries because it’s trying to tell you something.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2021 16:39

You pick them up. You do not want to hear your baby crying. It’s like the stress of hearing someone else’s baby crying but it gets you in the pit of your stomach and the depths of your soul. You’re programmed to fix whatever’s ailing them, it’s literally what our job is with our babies.

You’re doing exactly the right thing by preparing with a sling.

Do you know about the fourth trimester?

Babies can only cry, they have no other way of communicating and sometimes it’s inevitable. But, as you’ll know if you’ve ever been really miserable, crying on a warm friendly shoulder with a comforting voice in your ear and a gentle hand on your back is an awful lot nicer than crying by yourself and being ignored by the other person in the room.

Original poster

swiftt · 18/04/2021 16:46

Thanks everyone. This is what I thought. It seems to be an old-fashioned view that you’re spoiling the baby. She also mentioned thinking about how I’d need to think about how baby will be when I go back to work, and implied it would make for a clingy baby. I don’t think she had any ill intentions at all, and I’ll probably need to just start letting comments or misplaced advice like this go over my head.

OP posts:

ivfbeenbusy · 18/04/2021 16:46

Yes and no. Obviously full out screaming you wouldn't ignore but personally I think it's good for babies to learn to self soothe a little
Bit. I don't use dummies with my children - but I do have twins so one of them crying whilst I sort the other out or just get stuff done is par for the course

I have to say when I had DD and was a FTM i picked her up at the slightest cry - she only slept through the night age 5 and wouldn't sleep alone until she started school.....

My twins on the other hand who I have to leave to cry are 3 months and self soothe and sleep in their own cots.......🤔

Brabraboo · 18/04/2021 16:52

I’d side with your sling idea to be honest. I was a first time mum with no mum friends and no family (I also didn’t read mumsnet or the like) and a shit Hv etc so I had to just go on instinct.
Had terrible anxiety and was not prepared for how my body would feel when she cried. I breastfed and carried her everywhere. Anytime she cried, I stuck a boob in her mouth because it settled her and she stopped crying. SO many people seemed to think I was creating a clingy baby who would always be attached to me and the ‘rod for your own back’ thing always came up. She only ever fell to sleep while feeding so it was TOUGH and I couldn’t bear the alternative of letting her cry and ‘learn’ etc.

In my case it was all bollocks.

I have a VERY independent two year old now. You can put her in a cot and walk away and she goes to sleep no issue and we NEVER allowed her to cry. She isn’t actually very cuddly or clingy at all. I sometimes wish she WAS a tiny bit more cuddly

I think that what I wish I’d known as a first time mum is that when people give you pearls of wisdom they often are justifying their own choices to themselves. We all feel like we maybe didn’t get it absolutely right but we don’t want to think that so instead we insist that anyone who did it different is a monster. Because then if they were ‘wrong’ you must have been ‘right’ and you feel better about the fact we never actually know if we are getting parenting right or not.

Maybe I should have let my kid cry more. Maybe she will be affected by the fact I didn’t allow her to scream or be upset. Maybe I breastfed for so long because I was just scared of not having the magic thing that stopped the crying and made me not have to be distressed. Who knows

Honestly. Go with your instincts and do what feels right for you. Not many people are genuinely failing their children catastrophically. Especially not ones who are already considering the babies needs and how to meet them, before it’s even here! Youl be grand.

ladygindiva · 18/04/2021 16:58

I've never been OK with letting a baby cry. I've always seen it as my role to comfort them. Having said that, dc 2 and 3 were twins and there were times I couldn't manage to be as responsive as I wanted to and they certainly cried more and longer than lucky dc1 but it doesn't seem to have harmed them. I hope.

MarshaBradyo · 18/04/2021 17:00

No I never let them cry if I could soothe them instead

ladygindiva · 18/04/2021 17:02

@ivfbeenbusy

Yes and no. Obviously full out screaming you wouldn't ignore but personally I think it's good for babies to learn to self soothe a little Bit. I don't use dummies with my children - but I do have twins so one of them crying whilst I sort the other out or just get stuff done is par for the course

I have to say when I had DD and was a FTM i picked her up at the slightest cry - she only slept through the night age 5 and wouldn't sleep alone until she started school.....

My twins on the other hand who I have to leave to cry are 3 months and self soothe and sleep in their own cots.......🤔

Just skimmed back and read this from another twin mum - solidarity! - interestingly, my completely pampered on demand dc1 was my sleeper, slept through before 6 months and was no trouble at night, and my left to it twins were worse, though still not awful, sleeping through by 2 years old. Thank you pp for another perspective and ridding me of the residual twin guilt that still lingers!

sleepyhead · 18/04/2021 17:02

I've always found the phrase "a rod for your own back" a great clue re: whose advice to take with a pinch of salt.

I had one velcro baby who wanted to be held all the time. He became a happy, secure and independent toddler and is a happy, secure and independent teenager now.

My second baby was born liking routine and being put down to sleep. No incessent holding/rocking required or wanted (he's also a perfectly happy and secure older child). Both treated the same but different personalities and needs.

Having said that, babies sometimes cry and cry and it can be very hard. It's ok to leave them for a short while to care for yourself if you need to.

Aprilshowersandhail · 18/04/2021 17:04

The most confident dc are the ones who's needs are met. Knowing their dm is close by is vital.

Cam2020 · 18/04/2021 17:05

No, you shouldn't just leave them to cry if it can be avoided. There is no such thing as spoiling a baby with attention - that's a really outdated idea.

firstimemamma · 18/04/2021 17:06

Someone made a similar comment to me about my sling. I smiled, nodded then carried on with my sling! It worked brilliantly for us and the sling has a lot of benefits for you and baby. Go for it.

swapsicles · 18/04/2021 17:07

I had the same, I remember crying in Mil's garden as she said I needed to let dd cry and leave her as she was crying in temper, she was 2 weeks old ffs!
I did fetch her after a few minutes but that pissed off mil.
You will come across many opinions and thoughts on raising a child but the child is yours and you do what you feel is best, never be afraid of offending someone if you ignore their opinions.

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