Are you supposed to just let babies cry?

[swiftt]

Weird question but I’m a first-time mum, due in June. I was talking to a friend today about how I’d bought a stretchy sling to use in the house so I can get things done with baby on me. I’ve heard lots about some babies not wanting to be put down etc, so I want to be prepared. She told me I’d be making a rod for my own back by doing that, and I shouldn’t bother getting a sling and just put the baby down and let them cry. If I pick them up when they cry, I’d be mollycoddling them apparently. My mum had similar comments, so maybe it’s a generational thing. I just have no idea. Should you leave your baby to cry, or pick them up?

I never left mine to cry, especially a baby under 1 year. Newborns need you nd can't self regulate so when they cry its for a reason. You cant spoil a baby and there's no such thing as doing too much for them. Please don't listen to your mum or friend as they gave very old fashioned views. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy your baby when he/she arrives

Smile and ignore is my best advice... And hug your baby tight...

I will give you some unwarranted advice. Never listen to others, always do what’s best for you and baby. If others don’t like it tell them to mind their own business, however well meaning they think they are being.

Personally I’d never let a new born cry, it’s cruel. I never carried mine round in slings, I have HH boobs and was scared I’d suffocate them 😬but I know plenty of women who have and they have very well rounded and independent children.

@swiftt

Weird question but I’m a first-time mum, due in June. I was talking to a friend today about how I’d bought a stretchy sling to use in the house so I can get things done with baby on me. I’ve heard lots about some babies not wanting to be put down etc, so I want to be prepared. She told me I’d be making a rod for my own back by doing that, and I shouldn’t bother getting a sling and just put the baby down and let them cry. If I pick them up when they cry, I’d be mollycoddling them apparently. My mum had similar comments, so maybe it’s a generational thing. I just have no idea. Should you leave your baby to cry, or pick them up?

How old is your 'friend'?

That's pretty old fashioned advice.

Do they have children?

OP, you are absolutely right. Read up on the 4th trimester and the importance of attending to baby when they are crying. This "making a rod for your own back" and "letting babies cry" nonsense is totally outdated advice, my grandma and mum said the same. Ignored them completely, my baby was the typical "not happy unless held / close to you" type so I just took his lead with everything. Carrying, contact napping, cosleeping. He's a happy and independent 14m old with now with no sign of separation anxiety so far. He's even napping by himself now, guess he was ready rather then me forcing him. You just do what feels right and tell everyone to mind their own business. You'll know your baby best. Good luck

I followed a Gina Ford style with my DC (both under ten), and never left them to cry.

The only method of communication a newborn has is crying. So if they cry, they want something. Feeding/changing/cuddling/sleep.

Your friend and your mother will likely come out with a few more of these "gems" during your pregnancy/early parenting days.

Trust your own instincts.

I could never leave a baby to cry. It is a sound designed to make you do something about it !

Babies can’t “self settle” at 3 months. It’s luck not good management.

I’ll do some reading into the 4th trimester. I’ve heard about it but haven’t read into it yet.

I do tend to take things quite personally and overthink things, but sounds like I really need to start taking things with a big pinch of salt and, like previous posters have said, smile and nod, ignore and carry on.

@CandyLeBonBon my friend is in her late 50s. She has 2 children. My mum is in her early 50s. This is why perhaps I think it’s an old-fashioned viewpoint.

You won't enjoy it, your baby certainly won't understand, and anyone else in earshot will be distracted by the racket.
Someone else's crying baby can be even worse than your own as you can't do anything about it!

Politely ignore this particular advice; you'll get lots of it but you have to trust your instinct.
And unless your Mum is about 95, it's not really a generational thing.

I have a very visceral reaction when my baby cries - I couldn't never just leave her. Yes, there are times when you may have to (you're on the toilet having a wee, you're driving down the motorway, etc.) but I wouldn't leave her to cry in the name of 'learning to self soothe'.

Sometimes she fusses and whines and I'll leave her for a few but if she was properly upset, absolutely not! Attached and secure babies become independent and confident children.

You go with your gut. And that sling will be your best friend!!

I wouldn’t ever say to let them cry but I tried to only use a the sling for walks and when I really had to as i didn’t want my babies to then not settle without being in the sling. I found it really useful when they were over tired and couldn’t sleep but I never really worked out how to anything more than tidying up or making a snack with them in a sling.
I read stuff where it talked about never letting your baby fall asleep on you as then they won’t sleep in a crib but your baby sleeping on you is one of the most magical things and often they won’t do it for long and at just a few months old neither of mine would fall asleep while cuddling so I made the most of that.

I also learnt though that sometimes you do have to put them down and let them cry briefly while you go to the loo, make a snack, get dresssed etc as you need to look after yourself as well.

@swiftt Welcome to motherhood 🤣 it’s full of people telling you what you should be doing 🙈
I don’t know about anyone else but when my DS was a newborn, his cries actually left me in physical pain 😬 my boobs leaked everywhere and I had mini contractions for the first few weeks 🙈😂
Your natural reaction will be to comfort your baby and it’s exactly what you should do ❤️

My DS is just about to start weaning. We’re going with a mixed approach for the first few weeks then onto Baby Led Weaning. MIL told me I was being pretentious and trying to be too fancy and that I was supposed to either wean on rusks or baby rice and jars 🙄

So the unwanted advise certainly doesn’t stop when baby arrives I’m afraid lol

Ignore her. It's ok to let the baby cry for a short time if you need the toilet or want to get yourself a drink for example but it isn't good for them to be left to cry. A sling is great. Mine wasn't keen in the house (but fine for walks) but I'll try again with this one as having free hands would be great. My first needed a lot of holding as a baby but grew into a well behaved independent toddler and now 6 year old.

The most important thing is that your baby had a secure attachment to you and knows her parents will respond when she needs something.

If you want a well rounded adult, create a secure child.

Congrats on baby 😊

As a former baby who was left to cry a lot, way too often....please don't let your baby cry it out. It's actually very damaging to the newborn brain. My own experience of being a baby left to cry it out left me with many issues that I didn't manage fully to work through til my mid 30's. When a baby is left to cry they become very stressed, and cortisol is released into the brain- this causes damage and can land you with a "problem child."

I've only read the first page of the thread and can see people saying that cry it out is outdated, and that warms my heart. Cry it out did me so much damage that I am actually triggered by the sound of a baby crying now- and that's why I dread postnatal wards!

Think of it this way: baby mammals must stay by their mothers

I have three dcs and none of them are clingy due to being allowed to lead their own routine as babies. I was advised to use cry it out with my first and I tried...and lasted all of a minute because it felt so unnatural.

@ladygindiva

Glad to see you've come out the other end of twins unscathed! 🤣

I don't let mine scream the house down until they cry themselves out but if they both want feeding at the same time then someone's got
To wait 🤣 and that invariable means a lot of crying.

If these had been my first babies i probably would have agonised over it and got anxious/upset etc but I'm more confidant this time around (or sleep deprived and High on caffeine!)

It's okay to let a baby cry if they are in a safe place and sometimes you have to. You will learn the differences between an attention cry and needy cries pretty quickly. When they are very small I quite enjoy lots of cuddles but when I have stuff to do and nobody to help I will let them cry a little rather than rushing straight to pick them up.

Another twin mum who couldn't use a sling.
So couldn't get too PFB about my dc but also didn't just leave them to cry.

You just need to do what works for you and your dc OP.

I'm a twin mum, 3xpecting baby number 6 now. I see the other twin mums get the "it's okay for them to cry) too. Not easy to comfort 2 newborns when you have other children to tend to at the same time either. Just like you can't pull the car over every time baby cries a little.

If you want an understanding of babies and attachment, see if your council offer Incredible Babies or a similar programme.
I'm in the comfort when you can camp. Don't worry if you physically can't because you have your hands full / are driving. It is constant neglect that does the damage, not a child who once didn't get tended to en route to the supermarket or when mum was putting Vanish on some clothes.

@CandyLeBonBon my friend is in her late 50s. She has 2 children. My mum is in her early 50s. This is why perhaps I think it’s an old-fashioned viewpoint.

Yes. I wondered as much. I'm early 50s and there was very much that advice was still doing the rounds when my eldest was tiny and that's 20 years ago but it is outdated. Obviously sometimes babies have to cry (when my youngest of 3 was newborn, she had to wait because my elder two also needed dinner etc and 5pm was the witching hour!) but there's a difference between letting them cry for a few minutes while you're sorting siblings, and leaving them to cry to teach them who's boss!

The first is part and parcel of family life - the second is outdated nonsense.

Good luck with your baby.

You can't spoil a baby OP.
Enjoy your cuddles!