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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

17 and miscarried

56 replies

JadeLee17 · 17/04/2021 13:47

I am 17 and had a surprise pregnancy, I wasn't sure about it as my body felt weird, like I knew something was wrong, turned out I had a chemical pregnancy, where my body rejects the fertile egg, but my boyfriend who's 20 was really excited and was disappointed when he found out I'd lost it, he now wants to try for a baby, I'm 17 and in sixth form, I would like to go to university and be successful, but I have several health conditions that could prevent me in the future, I feel lile this is my chance now, I live with my boyfriend, and we are in a good place, have any of you completed sixth form pregnant with an infant? Or gone to university with a baby at home? I honestly am conflicted, I have a stable job as a carer, and a good income and therefore financially we are able, I have cared for my nephew like he was my own to be honest, and I've never loved a moment so much, he lifts my mood and would love to have my own, but I am contemplating whether it's possible to complete education? Thank you any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

firstimemamma · 17/04/2021 13:57

I would wait until early - mid twenties for your sake and the sake of your future children. I closely looked after a baby when I was 15 and loved it and can honestly say it's nothing like having your own. My soon-to-be SIL had her first at 18 and, although everything has turned out fine now, she found it incredibly difficult and has said she wouldn't recommend being a teen parent to anyone. I'd concentrate on saving money / education for now. Also marriage and / or owning your own home before children obviously isn't a necessity but can make things easier and more secure for the children.

firstimemamma · 17/04/2021 13:58

Btw sorry for your loss, I forgot to add

BriocheForBreakfast · 17/04/2021 13:59

Good advice from Firsttimemama. Finish your education first and get at least a couple of years of your career under your belt. That would be my advice.

Wavypurple · 17/04/2021 14:00

I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

In terms of planning for a baby I would wait. Go to university, it will be 100 times harder in the future with a baby/young child.

You will have other chances to start a family.

rubyslippers · 17/04/2021 14:00

It’s lovely looking after someone else’s child but it’s nothing like having your own
Why does your boyfriend who is also very young wnat a child?
Whilst nothing is impossible, having a baby limits your choices and complicated everything (plus expense etc)
I wouldn’t try - finish your education, establish a career abs some savings
You will change so much from 17-20-25 and older
Your goals and life view will shift
There’s loads of time for a family

BriocheForBreakfast · 17/04/2021 14:01

And also 💐 - I hope you're feeling OK. I went through the same with my first pregnancy. My DD is also 17 and in 6th form and I can't imagine her being a mum yet.

Original poster

JadeLee17 · 17/04/2021 14:01

Thank you I appreciate your advice x

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 17/04/2021 14:01

I am sorry for your loss - it’s a hard thing to go through and it’s also brought up a lot of feelings which you also need to process
Be kind to yourself and don’t rush any decision

SweatyPie · 17/04/2021 14:01

I completed sixth form. Gave birth in y12 and stayed at home til y13, don't skip a year. It was very hard to do but it's done now. Having another now, but only because I have one already so it's less of a shock/lifestyle change. Now at uni.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend as it will be overwhelming. Maybe hold off and try for a baby in your early 20s? I also worried about fertility but early 20s is a god compromise.

Sooobored · 17/04/2021 14:01

No, go to university first. Why are you living with him? Do your parents support you doing that?

letsmakethishappen · 17/04/2021 14:02

If this was my daughter I’d be advising her to have her career first. Go to university, have a stable job, maybe get a house. Experience life, travel etc. 17 is just too young to settle. Go on the pill/ start using protection

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/04/2021 14:05

I'm sorry for your loss but a 20-year-old man who wants to a try for a baby with a 17-year-old is a huge red flag. He should be supporting your education and career progression, not wanting to saddle you down with a child, which can really hinder your job (if you develop complications and can't work, especially as you say you have health conditions) and education (if you have a high needs baby or a child with special needs). No one who is 17 and 20 is 'in a good place' to have a child. You're not married, you haven't finished school at all, that's not at all stable.

Creepygnochi · 17/04/2021 14:07

I had my first at 17, married the father because that's what you did in those days. He came from a wealthy family, so didn't have any worries about finances. Still annuled in under a year. Wouldn't recommend.

Look, to be perfectly frank, no matter how grown you feel you are, you're really not. Really not. Is it a death sentence? Of course not, but you are not giving yourself and your child the best start. Your starting life with a handicap. And when I look back on the qaulity of parenting between my youngest children and my oldest children, it's so different. In our teens/ early 20's, Dh and I were still recovering from our own childhoods. We weren't able to give ourselves as fully as we were to our children born in our 30's, because our brains just weren't developed enough.

To put it simply, do what you want, but just know that in doing so you are making your life way more difficult, stressful, and complicated than it needs to be.

Grumpyspoon · 17/04/2021 14:10

I’ve NC for this.

I strongly advise you not to do it. I had DC at 17, held down a good part time job while going to uni, managed to get a 2:1. I then got the career of my dreams, mortgage by mid twenties, DC is a wonderful teenager, I got married etc.

BUT I am now 31 and burnt out. I have to give up my career a few months back as my mental health has take a beating. I have a lot of PTSD from how I was treated being a young mum, and doing too much too young in such a short time has taken its toll.

I advise you to wait until late twenties and figure out who you are first, you won’t have the same mindset at that age as you do now.

Becstar90 · 17/04/2021 14:20

I had my first at 28. I remember thinking how on earth do some teens have babies. We struggled heaps. Babies aren't just all cuddly and cute and the sleep deprivation is real.. Your life changes the instant that baby is born. Your life revolves around them. Given your age honestly I say wait! My gosh go out and experience the world, work doing something you love, have fun with friends, do fun things with your partner. There is no need to have a baby so young. You have so much time to do it.

I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you have support getting through it

lamptastic · 17/04/2021 16:11

I know people can have kids young and do the career thing later in life but I just can't say it's a good idea.

Hes 20, you're 17- no offence but you're kids yourselves who haven't even finished school. I wouldn't consider a baby until you have completed education to a decent level/stable home set up/stable partner/stable job or career. Until then you're just making your life and future child's life harder.

I'm mid thirties and pregnant for the first time and although my body isn't coping as well at least I know I have a stable home/partner/career and finances to give a good start to a child.

Obviously it is your choice and there are women who have children at your age with no regrets, but I just couldn't advise it personally.

Sleepisoverrated150 · 17/04/2021 17:02

I have family that had children as young as you and they struggle financially for years afterward even when the kids are 10/15 etc. It is possible to have children that young and go to uni but it’s so much harder. Having your own kids is hard work and would you want a sibling? Would that be during your uni years? How many kids do you want? Whose going to watch them while you go to college/ uni and pay for the childcare?

Having children later means you will have more money, a house, car, career etc

Depends what you want for your future. Having a child now is definitely the harder route but not undoable.

Maggiesfarm · 17/04/2021 17:23

@BriocheForBreakfast

Good advice from Firsttimemama. Finish your education first and get at least a couple of years of your career under your belt. That would be my advice.

Mine too.

2021mumma · 17/04/2021 17:53

I had my DD at 18, took a year off school after a levels before starting uni. It was bloody tough and I worked also whilst doing uni.

Don’t do it, live your life, enjoy uni and find yourself before you settle down.

I am not the person I am now that I was then - you will change so much during your 20s.

Travel, have fun and then when you have your education and a career think about children.

Sorry for you loss x

felulageller · 17/04/2021 17:56

No don't make a decision based on loss. Even 25 is young to have a baby these days.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 17/04/2021 17:58

So sorry for your loss first of all. If you have the chance to finish your education and then go to uni or travel then do it while your young with no ties. I never had that opportunity (because of family reasons not having kids young) and it's one of my biggest regrets. I know it sounds trite but you've got your whole life to have kids and settle down. Do the things you want to do and the rest will come later. Good luck

enjoysun · 17/04/2021 17:59

Don't do it. Live your life first. I went to uni and got a great degree. I met fantastic lifelong friends, and we shared some amazing experiences. I travelled the world, scuba dived, skied, experienced different cultures, tried out a few other relationships. I worked on my career, eventually buying my own business. I met my future husband snd married him and had kids in early 30's.
No regrets. Choosing to do it that way, rather than being tied down to being a mum when you are just a child yourself, really ties you.
Live your life, enjoy yourself, try not to worry or have the weight of being an adult for a few more years.
Sorry about your loss x

MazekeenSmith · 17/04/2021 18:02

I am sorry for your loss and I 100% understand the feeling of wanting to get pregnant again but it would also 100% be a bad decision. Wait a few years and complete your education, get established in a job and get some life experience before having a baby. Babies are more than the cute baby stage, they are a commitment for life and a stone around your neck for 18+ years, more than you have been alive. I don't mean to sound patronising when I say this but I was 28 when I had mine and fuck I missed so much of my life before. I didn't think much further than having a lovely baby to be honest and I was a supposed adult.

YumYumApplePie · 17/04/2021 18:03

I had my first at 31. Honestly it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I really struggled with what I'd given up. And I made sure I'd lived. I think you sound sensible, you want a great education. Pursue that first.

PinkPlantCase · 17/04/2021 18:26

@felulageller

No don't make a decision based on loss. Even 25 is young to have a baby these days.

This is really good advice. Sorry for your loss OP

Rather than thinking about getting pregnant again so soon perhaps see it more as a chance to plan for your future. Whist a carers wage might feel like a good income at 17 lots of people struggle to cover the cost of private rent and childcare on a carers salary.

I have a few medical conditions that will get worse with age so I knew I wanted to have children fairly young. I’m now pregnant with my first at 25, I have been to uni, have a mid level position in the company I work for, have completed all the professional qualifications for my chosen career, own a home and am married.

It’s been a busy few years and I’ve had to be very focused to get where I am at this age, and had some good luck too of course! But I knew this was the position I wanted to be in to TTC.

As a general point nursery will cost us over £10k a year for 4 days a week until the baby is 2. Not in London or ‘the south’. We’re lucky that it still pays us more to work than it would if one of us stayed at home, a few years ago it certainly wouldn’t.

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