17 and miscarried

[JadeLee17]

I am 17 and had a surprise pregnancy, I wasn't sure about it as my body felt weird, like I knew something was wrong, turned out I had a chemical pregnancy, where my body rejects the fertile egg, but my boyfriend who's 20 was really excited and was disappointed when he found out I'd lost it, he now wants to try for a baby, I'm 17 and in sixth form, I would like to go to university and be successful, but I have several health conditions that could prevent me in the future, I feel lile this is my chance now, I live with my boyfriend, and we are in a good place, have any of you completed sixth form pregnant with an infant? Or gone to university with a baby at home? I honestly am conflicted, I have a stable job as a carer, and a good income and therefore financially we are able, I have cared for my nephew like he was my own to be honest, and I've never loved a moment so much, he lifts my mood and would love to have my own, but I am contemplating whether it's possible to complete education? Thank you any advice would be appreciated x

I'm sorry for your loss but honestly, you'd be mad to have a baby now

I know the yearning will feel strong but you have so much life to live. Finish your education, uni is hard enough without trying to fit studying around a young baby/toddler
You won't be able to go out with friends for an impromptu night out or dinner as you'll have to be home

A carers wage might seem a lot to you now but it is not going to support a family and you will struggle for money which is fucking horrendous and sucks all the joy out of life

Get your education, live a little, enjoy having no responsibility before you settle down

If you really are 17 and in 6th form, why on earth are you working as a carer, living with your boyfriend and caring for someone else's baby as if he was your own?!

I had many chemical pregnancies and can understand how you feel but please don’t rush into anything just yet. Finish sixth form so you have qualifications, go and do further education too - if you have health conditions you will need this to get the best chances for a job that suits your needs. Then, if this bf is right for you, think about marriage / kids etc.

Lie if you need to to your boyfriend, stay in education and live a little

Think about what's best for a child. Having a 17 year old mother isn't it. You have years and years left to have children, so finish your education, become financially stable, enjoy your youth, and then think about it.

Red flags everywhere with the boyfriend. In your shoes I'd go to university and not think about kids until you are 23/35

Presumably at 17 you don't have the money or life skills to properly support and provide for a child.

I second @osbertthesyrianhamster

I was seventeen and desperately wanted a baby with my boyfriend.

We broke up and I went to university where I:

Enjoyed Freshers week and doing stupid stuff with no consequences!
Got a scholarship to learn a language abroad for a summer.
Met so many cool people!
Took up hobbies like pole dancing for fitness that I would never have considered before.
Did internships, part time jobs etc.
Used that money to buy myself nice new clothes etc.
Got a first class degree.
Met my now husband.
Graduated seven months pregnant.

I'm now 30 and trying for my third baby after a miscarriage but it's so much easier this time round. I had my first living on a PhD stipend and we were totally broke - I imagine it would be a lot worse if you were on benefits/a college student. Now we have more money and I can buy nicer things for the baby as well as stuff like extra curricular stuff for my older children.

I'd urge you to think about why you so desperately want a baby - apart from due to the pain of loss. I know for me I had quite a traumatic childhood and I think wanting a baby was my way of trying to make things better. I think in a way I almost thought I'd be a better mum than my mum (which in many ways I am but it's bloody hard work - and made so much easier by a partner who does half the housework!)

I am so glad I did my degree but also glad I had my first kids relatively young. Good luck with your decisions - and if you're finding the loss very hard I am sure there are helplines/charities and of course counseling from the NHS. I reccomend that before trying again to clear your head and make the decision as a positive one and not a negative reaction from losing a baby. Hope that makes sense?

My mum fell pregnant with me when she was 17. She had a place at a well reminded school for further education that she had to give up to have me.
I know you've said you've looked after your nephew like your own but unless you had him 24/7 I would say the experience would be very different.
My mum doesn't regret having me at all but if she could change anything it would be to wait til she was older x

Sorry for your loss , 💜 xx

Hi Jadelee , firstly sorry for your loss, i had my first child at 17 , i couldn’t afford to go college and went straight into work from school . Life was hard you have to grow up so quick see all your friends going on holidays and partying together and you are stuck home weekends and evenings with a little one. I’m not saying i regret it , at the time i knew no different both myself and his dad sacrificed everything to give our child a home, looking back i wish someone had told me it wont be a bed of roses forget the latest fashion or parties because little one comes first , maybe my decision would have been different. Now hes an adult and i went on to have 2 other children and my advise to them was to go uni and travel , see the world explore life before having someone else depend on you - be selfish because its the only time in life you can .
I wish you well , I’m sure your boyfriend would understand you need to live a little to grow into the person you wish to be and be the best you can . He’s only 20 he has years ahead of him to become a daddy too.

To consider trying for a baby at 17 with someone you're most likely not going to be with forever just shows you really aren't mature enough yet.
It's not a smart decision OP, it really isn't.

Aim higher. Believe you are capable of much more because you are.

@CJsGoldfish

To consider trying for a baby at 17 with someone you're most likely not going to be with forever just shows you really aren't mature enough yet. It's not a smart decision OP, it really isn't.

Aim higher. Believe you are capable of much more because you are.

I agree with this. The fact you think this is even an option really shows how immature you are. You are a school child.

Go and live your life, get an education, a good job, travel, meet a more suitable man, get married, buy a house etc etc Have a baby when you've done a lot more growing up.

Sorry for your loss. Also if he wants a baby I hope he wants to marry you. So many women are left destitute without having a marriage contract on their side.

I had a few friends who had babies young, they and their children are great, however they missed out on opportunities which can only come your way in your 20s.

I was 17 when I fell pregnant, 18 when I gave birth. Do not plan a baby at your age OP. I don't mean this as an insult, but you are still a child.

It is really quite extraordinary for a boyfriend to ask a baby of someone who is 17 and still in education. Your boyfriend may be afraid of you going out into the world and spending time meeting more people, more new friends and potentially someone else if you go to university (instead of giving all your time to him) rather than what's best for you, your future ambitions or indeed, the child). Know that when you have a child, you will spend all your life putting them before yourself.

Think carefully, do you really want to be tied to this man, through your child. For the rest of your life. I can't imagine many people would want to be in that situation with their teenage boyfriends. When you are 17, you think you are an adult. But really you are still a child.

Yes my parents support me living with my boyfriend, I understand 17 is young to move out however I'm a carer and a high chieving student and always been very independent, my mother respected my decision and visits weekly, my boyfriend is amazing and I would not change my decision for the world, may as well learn now when in ready rather than stay at home and not know knew basic life needs...

I'm sorry, I know I quoted that all advice is appreciated, however, a 20 year old wanting a baby wiyj a 17 year old is NOT a red flag, I am past the legal age and so that's so opinionated, I've known my boyfriend for 9 years... Ever since I moved, therefore just because he's ready and has practically brought up his own family and feels settled, then I don't see the problem, I am still conflicted, it was all an accident getting pregnant in the first place as I was on the pill and took antibiotics and hadn't realised they can stop it from working, but again far from a RED FLAG
Thank you

I am 17, I am a carer because its a family friends daughter whos last carer moved so I was there, it's amazing work especially for my future courier, I live with my boyfriend as I adore him adn we work well together, he's a bloody amazing bf and I love Jim to bits, it's no different than bejng at home, if anything, alot quieter, and I looked after a baby as my own as my brother and his gf struggled, clashed with the early mornings and sleepless nights so I took over, my mum and dad was obviously around but at that time they were working full time, so I brought my nephew up, it hasn't delayed my learning, if anything encouraged me to do better, he's now 1 and everything to me

So, you're 20 and 17, and you've already raised whole families between you, yes?

Hi jadeLee no one is saying it’s not legal or you are not old enough what they are saying is live a little, what’s the rush? Don’t you feel you have so much more to see and do? I’m not patronising you , yes I believe you live your boyfriend but when he decides he wants to go out every weekend or a lads holiday with his mates what you going to do? Sit in doors with a baby and read on Facebook what a great time all your mates are having .

@JadeLee17

I'm sorry, I know I quoted that all advice is appreciated, however, a 20 year old wanting a baby wiyj a 17 year old is NOT a red flag, I am past the legal age and so that's so opinionated, I've known my boyfriend for 9 years... Ever since I moved, therefore just because he's ready and has practically brought up his own family and feels settled, then I don't see the problem, I am still conflicted, it was all an accident getting pregnant in the first place as I was on the pill and took antibiotics and hadn't realised they can stop it from working, but again far from a RED FLAG Thank you

It is because any mature 20-year-old would be working towards both of you securing your education, housing and futures before even considering trying for a baby, especially with a 17-year-old girlfriend who's not even finished 6th form! He'd be sitting down making a 5-year plan about what end goals you have in education, savings and working towards it, marriage, how to secure appropriate housing, childcare whilst working with your career goals in sight (working patterns). Also working extra hours if necessary to make sure we both got counselling for the loss.

Looking after your nephew is nothing like having your own child. Nothing at all.

If I had a boyfriend who wanted to actively TTC at that age I'd run a mile in the other direction because I wanted a man who had drive and ambition and wanted the same for both of us.

One of my cousins got pregnant at 16. Her boyfriend was 21. The first thing they did was marry. Then her mum (she had no father) and his parents and both of them sat down together to draw up a realistic plan on how she was going to work towards finishing her secondary education and progress to uni and him to finish his apprenticeship as a spark.

She had the baby a couple of days after turning 17 and then had no more children until she was 24, out of uni and had been working a couple of years so had a decent maternity package and they both had a wage to afford childcare, savings, their own home and cars. Could provide a quality home for another child.

That's what maturity is about, not rushing into such a heavy decision.

You say that being a carer is a step forwards for your future career.

You say you want to go to University, that you are a high achieving student.

You sound like the sort of person who will benefit from further education, and who will shine in whatever field they end up working in.

I would ask myself why aren’t my parents and my boyfriend proud of my dreams and ambitions? Why are they happy for me to put my dreams and ambitions on hold instead of seizing the chance to make the most of myself? Why aren’t they supporting me, why are they expecting me to make life harder for myself instead of smoothing my path and encouraging me to sort my life out before “settling”?

What does your bf do for work? Do you think he has ambitions that can be realised or is he happy to be”settled” at 20?

It sounds as though both of you come from families where there have been difficulties in the past, please don’t let their expectations and experiences limit you.

I am sorry you experienced a miscarriage, it must be so very hard, but you will have many years of fertility in front of you. And if you can complete your education and develop a career then your future children will have the whole world to conquer, and your example to inspire them.

Don't do it. Wait until you're 21 minimum. There are loads of things you can't even do legally until you are 18. You're considering having a child when you yourself are legally a child. Why?

Wait until out of uni and then decide again. You say you are academic and have worked hard so use that and get your degree and get into a career so you can give a baby the best life ever!

Carers wage is a lot to a teenager, but it's a pittance compared to most jobs (they should be paid more but sadly are not).