How to cope with a newborn at an event

[PeanutButterFalcon]

I hope I am just over thinking and panicking. We have a wedding to go to once baby arrives (small event considering covid).
I am so stressed as a first time mum and will probably be still bleeding/recovering, and if I have cesarian that’ll be even worse.
I don’t want to be learning how to breastfeed in a room full of strangers or have them all looking/l at/touching the baby with COVID. Then there is the problem with noise, where it’ll sleep as I’m guessing I just carry the baby around all day and I have no idea what to wear with needing to breast feed, be comfortable and appropriately dressed.

Its totally doable if you really want to. However if you don't want to, don't go.
If you're worried about leaking get some period pants and wear a pad inside them so if the pad leaks then the pants will catch it. And take a few spares.

My DS was 5 weeks old at my brothers wedding. He was my second though so I wasn't as worried and I knew what I was doing with Breastfeeding, I had a Csection and wasn't completely mobile but my DB and DSIL were very accommodating as they really wanted us there.
It was a lovely day but as it was my family and before covid I had loads of help from my DH and all of my family. We had a room booked at the hotel too so I could go up there if I needed a break but I didn't need it until bed time.
My DS lived in the sling pretty much all day. Either myself or DH carrying him. And theb for a while my DB (very proud uncle) I'm glad I went but as I said, I wanted to go.
You have a choice here. It isn't up to your in laws.

A sling is your friend here and will stop baby being passed around. Something like a caboo is cheap to pick up second hand and easy to use. Watch some videos and practise with a teddy before baby is born and you’ll be confident using it for the day.

Period pants for backup to giant maternity pads. Maybe navy wide leg trousers or long pleated skirt and a lighter coloured floaty top? Anything with buttons becomes bf friendly so a blouse type top maybe. Doesn’t have to be bf-specific. A vest top under a top you can lift up would work too- top goes up vest top comes down.

Muslin to cover yourself while feeding if you feel more confident that way.

I can totally relate to the nerves

I went to a funeral when my DS was 3 weeks old and I had had a C-section. I kept him in a wrap sling and had told people beforehand that I wasn't comfortable with other people holding him there - it was pre-covid so lots of people and I was worried about feeling pressured to pass him around everyone while so tiny. I wore a skirt with a breastfeeding t-shirt and cardigan and just found somewhere discreet to feed. I think DH took him outside for a bit when he cried during the service.

I would talk to dh and maybe work out that it would be better for him to go and represent you all and you to stay home to focus on baby, so that he can enjoy the day to the full which its likely hel want to do, and you wont feel guilty if you need to leave early (which you will). if you dont feel up to going dont go, especially in covid era its surely fair enough not to take a tiny baby to a wedding. Do put yourself and your needs post birth to a top priority as it is a hard time and you need to focus on you and baby. I would say to the couple that you dont want to mess up their numbers by pulling out at last minute if complications or just by going past due date which often happens of course, and that youd like dh to enjoy it properly without having to worry about you. Makes sense to me.
But if you feel you would like to go id absolutely make sure you had a place to go to in the venue where you can feed, change nappies, take some time out, settle and crying, etc, no one will want a crying baby in the wedding with nowhere to go? if a hotel or something they can arrange that. Maybe go to check out the venue beforehand. Do not expect to use the toilets thats not ok.

DS2 wasn't quite as brand-new as your baby will be, but I took him to my sister's wedding in Germany, and was a bridesmaid myself, when he was 10 weeks old. It probably helped that he was my second and I was more confident and less bothered about public breastfeeding than I might have been first time around, but I just made sure I had a bridesmaid dress that would accommodate it, and got on with it - thankfully DSis was very understanding that I might not be a fully attentive bridesmaid all the time!

I would recommend taking both a sling AND a buggy/pram of some sort if at all possible. Sling is great for comforting them, keeping away from prying relatives etc, but do you really want to be carrying baby ALL day? With nowhere to put him/her down? Having a pram gives you more options, gives you somewhere to keep things like change bag etc, and if you feel like it, allows relatives to take baby off for a nice long walk while you relax for a few minutes! Tbh apart from feeding in my bridesmaid dress, looking after DS2 was loads easier than making sure DS1 was safe/happy/behaving!

BUT, if it all feels too much, please don't feel bad for either not going, or leaving early.

Don’t panic in advance!

I took both mine to weddings when small. I have a beautiful photo of DC2 about 3 weeks old conked out asleep on my shoulder in the church.

Lots of people will want to hold the baby to help you. Feeding is trickier but you can definitely excuse yourself somewhere if need be. Hopefully by 4 weeks you won’t be bleeding too much. If it gets too much for whatever reason then DH drives you home and goes back again or not depending on the stage of the celebration.

If for any reason you or the baby aren’t up to it on the day then that is OK. Don’t worry in advance though. Plan, sure. But don’t worry.

OP- if you'd be 4 weeks post birth I think you'd manage. I cant advice re C section but if natural birth its doable. I got on a plane with DS to go to see relatives in Europe when he was 2 weeks. Yes I was still in a bit of a haze/trance but a happy one. Family rallied around. For a wedding think more Indian/Pakistan ladies style -with leggings to make you feel more secure bleeding wise under a flowing tunic type of dress, spangly flat sandals for comfort. Buy a breastfeeding shawl already now, get used to having it around you, this makes feeding so much easier in public. Baby will most likely sleep for a lot of the day in buggy x

@PurpleCurtain @MusicWithRocksIn1t hadn’t thought of cycling shorts/period pants so thank you.

Oh I will definitely be scrutinised for a long time if I don’t go. They’re the sort of people that will bring it up over and over again too. I’ll be frowned on for “making” DH not go. We’ve spoke about it and our very open with how we feel. He doesn’t want to go if we have just had the baby or at least not all day. We haven’t even RSVP’d we’re just expected to go due to being close family.

As it’s close to home if I’ve had a section I’m sure I could arrange being picked up by a friend. Hadn’t thought about not being able to drive.

It does sound like people have had positive experiences which are good. I just want to be as prepared as possible for any eventuality and equally don’t want to be awkward for the bride and groom.

They’ll all want to play pass the baby, definitely going to get a sling to stop this. If it’s in a pram/chair etc I know they’ll pick it up. I dread visiting them with a baby to be honest yet alone a wedding with possibly 30 other people. They don’t believe in covid so I’ll be told I’m worrying for nothing as I have my entire pregnancy when I have said I don’t feel comfortable with something due to Covid.

I’ve been looking for ear protectors/sound defenders but cannot seem to find any for a newborn as they all start at a few months old minimum. If anyone knows of any I’d appreciate that.

Getting harder to respond to each person individually now

By 4 weeks my bleeding had stopped with both babies so that likely won’t be a problem as many women stop within 2 weeks or at least if significantly reduces to a light period. For breastfeeding make sure your outfit is easy to feed in like a wrap style and take lots of muslins. Also maybe get a breastfeeding cover if it will make you feel more comfortable, I only used one at the beginning as I don’t think women should have to cover up but when learning to feed I liked the cover as I could have by exposed boob out as long as I liked without drawing attention a fussy baby and me feeling like I didn’t know what I was doing.

At 4 weeks you will be fine. Newborns are easy and portable - the easiest age to take to a wedding until they're maybe 6 or 7 imo. Bf should be established by then and I dont think anyone is still bleeding at 4 weeks pp are they? Mine has always stopped around 8-10 days. Any less than 3 weeks old though I honestly wouldn't go and just let them think what they like, same if you've had a c section, or if you just don't feel up to it for any reason. Anyone who had an issue with a brand new mum skipping a wedding is being utterly ridiculous

It’s doable, but I just wouldn’t go if your not up to it. At 4 weeks or less your probably exhausted. Can you both go just for the ceremony? That’s max an hour long, then head home. And just say now that you might not be able to come at all depending.

If you do go longer, The babyzen yo-yo is small folding and you could add car seat to make newborn compatible. Use sling most the time but the car seat on frame will at least give you somewhere to put baby down whilst you eat, toilet etc if Covid means family members aren’t able to help holding. Plus then family member could push baby to maybe nap without getting so close.

Ask if there’s a separate room you can use to feed in peace if you want.

To add as I think it will help - the wedding is teepees/tents/marquee in a field with a portaloo hence the no separate space and difficulty. It’ll be more of a festival/party with a quick ceremony.

Originally loved the idea but once the dates were moved to the baby being due at the same time I can’t help but worry. We have a big car so I could possible bring a variety of things, pram chair etc and just see what we need on the day

You won’t need ear defenders for a wedding and meal, unless it’s extremely unusual? Hinestky, newborns are pretty adaptable- if they’re not feeding they’re sleep or crying. If they’re crying they want to either feed or sleep. You’ll be OK.

Think sundowners gives really good advice.

Pupster21 have to say really disagree- breastfeeding shawls aren't some statement of women being ashamed to feed in public! Do we really need to get into the debate on breastfeeding in public on this thread?
I know for both my DC having one for the 6 months I did BF meant absolute less stress when feeding in public- you feel far more relaxed wherever you are be it a plane, a wedding, or a pub, and gives you and baby a private moment in a public space- and can really calm baby under it too. There will always be gawping eyes, so knowing you've removed this possibility in a sweep of the shawl relaxes mum thus also improving milk flow in a lot of cases. As if you are stressed/tense when feeding this can really cause added pressure.

Newborns are extremely portable and just sleep and feed. Wear something comfortable and that you can feed in. I would say by 4 weeks the bleeding should of stopped. Mine only lasted about 1.5 wks and wasn't heavy. Wear something darker if that makes you feel better. I could never manage a sling as too short but if you have one use it, take the pram too. Take yourself and outfit change just incase. Take plenty of wipes, nappies and muslins

Honestly OP I could give advice as others have done about how to make it work but it's really coming through from your posts how much pressure you feel under from the family.

You don't have to let people hold your baby.

You don't have to go if you don't want to.

Your DH needs to take responsibility and tell his own family that he is choosing not to go. He can't pass the blame onto you.

Try to care less about what they think and focus on your own little family now. You are going to need to set some boundaries and this is where it starts. The most important thing here is that you and baby are well and have time to establish a bond/feeding if that's what you want.

There will be plenty of chance for them to meet the baby and build a relationship. 2 weeks after birth is going to be hard for you.

I meant to add that of you are looking into buying a breastfeeding dress remember that 2-4 weeks after giving birth your tummy will probably still be pretty big and floppy.

I bled for 8 weeks with both mine - pretty heavily for 6. The GP said it was quite normal, so I think some of you have been very lucky!

I also had a lot of stitches after my first. I couldn't sit comfortably for about a month, and long stretches of sitting, or the car were painful.

I think @skylarkdescending speaks a lot of sense.

My newborn is 4 weeks 2 days today. I would be fine going to a wedding. I’m not bleeding any more, feeling fine in myself (much more energy than when pregnant!). I was induced with a 2nd degree tear which doesn’t hurt at all. I’m a bit tired from the night wakings but not too bad - getting 5.5-6.5 hours of sleep a night. A bit tearful. Baby happily sleeps in a pram or sling and is completely unbothered by light or noise.
Having said that... all babies are different and all recoveries are different.

I was definitely still bleeding 4 weeks PP - it certainly can happen. But it was manageable with pads.

OP you won’t know how you feel until your baby is here. You might be totally up for it, or it might be inconceivable. Please don’t feel you have to go - even if they do make comments, those aren’t your responsibility and you don’t have to take them to heart. If they’re arseholes it’s not your fault.

If you do decide to go, I would prioritise comfort in your outfit. Smart wide leg trousers, flat shoes, and a comfortable top which facilitates breastfeeding. Plenty of muslins, a sling, and a lightweight blanket in case it gets chilly. I would leave before the dancing starts so you don’t need to worry about loud music. Don’t let your baby be passed around - keep them in the sling and just smile and say ‘oh, s/he’s settled now, maybe later’ ad nauseam if people ask to hold him / her.

In a field with portaloo, no I wouldn’t be going all day!

If it’s nearby, drive to go to quick ceremony, maybe stay a little after to say hi to people. But I wouldn’t want that all day. Depending when it is it could be freezing or boiling hot, no sanitary clean area for you to use for toilet if still bleeding and to change baby properly. Yes car can be use in emergency, but this isn’t one.

At 4 weeks I was pretty much up and running, was already hiking locally short walks with baby in sling etc.. but short. Like 1 hr max door to door. Then back to comfort of home to change baby nicely, feed baby, eat something, put baby down so I didn’t over pull muscles and then a lie down for a nap when baby napped.

A portaloo in muddy field, with crappy folding chairs and mini festival vibe... nope

I took my 4 week old to a wedding and it was fine. We were able to take the pram into the reception so he just slept when we ate and when he fed I just sat at the table with a muslin over him. We also took a sling, we have a ‘close caboo’ so DH and I could carry him.

Dress wise I wore a maxi dress which was elasticated around the boob area. I wasn’t bleeding too much by then and even had a drink and dance with my friends! It was honestly easier than a thought.

Just to add going to a wedding with my older toddler was a lot more stressful as he was on the go the entire time!

The update on the arrangements and facilities puts a new light on things.

It would be a definite No from me. Tell them now to avoid them being disappointed nearer the time, and they can aske someone else at this point too rather than 'waste' the space.