Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How involved was your partner in pregnancy - a bit worried about mine!

52 replies

poodlepip · 12/04/2021 11:13

Hi everyone

I am finding my other half is not that interested in our pregnancy, planning and preparing. I'm only 14 weeks. I will say it was a planned pregnancy he was on board!

Is this normal, wondering if it comes later ofor men? Or do I resign myself that it might not come at all and I need to take on the emotional load myself. I am worried about how this sets out childcare as well. I do have friends to talk to and MN And Facebook which is helpful.

I feel like I am nagging when I talk about anything baby related and he never raises the topic or organises things and when he does talk about it I get signals he's not really interested

Examples

  • the night before out dating scan he said "what time is that thing tomorrow?" And it upset me as he hadn't really acknowledged it but knew how much I cared about it.
  • yesterday I mentioned that someone had recommended NCT classes and he said "that sounds awful, I don't want to have to talk to other people"
  • I asked if he might like to read a book to prepare and he said not really.
  • he plays a lot of video games! Not sure if related but I don't know if he will stop when baby comes!!

Thanks guys interested to know how your partners were

X

OP posts:
Aimee1987 · 12/04/2021 11:27

I think it's tough at 14 weeks as it can feel a bit more abstract to dad.
The 'that thing' comment may just have been that he couldn't think of the word and sounds like something I would say.
DP showed no interest in NCT classes. I wanted to go to meet new mums but his point of view was is it really worth that much money. A view I completly understood as we didnt have a huge amount of money to waste especially not with a baby on the way.

My DP loves his play station. DS is now 1 and he might get a bit of time on it in the evening but does it around childcare and house work. I dont see it as much different to me mucking around on mumsnet or Facebook.

I'm not seeing any red flags in your list but I dont think you can know for sure untill the babies here. Is he planning on taking any time off?
DP had the standard couple of weeks when baba was born. But then he took 3 months when DS was 9 months of shared parental leave. DS used to be really attached to me but now hes more of a toddler hes all about his dad.

Worriesome · 12/04/2021 11:46

It’s partners like this that usually surprise you and are so head over heels in love with bang when it arrives. I hope this will be the case for you! My OH always said it was hard for him to connect as they don’t feel what we feel such as movement, symptoms etc. They really bond when they have the physical goods in their hands lol x

Worriesome · 12/04/2021 11:46

With baby

Mc3209 · 12/04/2021 11:46

During pregnancy my DH was a bit similar. The idea of NCT classes was something his nightmares were made of 😂 I always had to remind him of scan dates etc. I think he was a bit apprehensive to connect with pregnancy in case something went wrong. Not a gamer, but pretty much glued to his phone reading news. He even found it weird feeling the baby move.

This all was cured by labour. He was great, but I could tell he was worried about mine and baby's wellbeing. He loves our son dearly (DS is now 5 months) , plays with him, changes nappies etc. He is still a bit apprehensive about being left alone with the baby, and as a result DS is more attached to me at the moment. I think this will change once DS can walk/talk.

Mc3209 · 12/04/2021 11:49

@worriesome completely agree about 'physical goods in their hands'!

DinoHat · 12/04/2021 11:50

My husband went to NCT classes with me under duress and he didn’t really enjoy them. He wasn’t very engaged in my first pregnancy, more so in my second. But he is a brilliant dad.

MrsTumbletap · 12/04/2021 11:51

Mine was not excited as I was during our pregnancy, I think it's because the baby is in our body and we are experiencing the feelings and changes and they see a bit of a bump growing.

Doesn't reflect what they are like when the baby is here though. Some are great, some are rubbish. That can be due to their own experiences of fatherhood. Are they close to their dad, was their own dad really hands on?

So many dads in their 60s were quite old school in their approach to parenting and let the mothers do everything. So that is what a lot of 30 year old dads think is normal.

ALR2019 · 12/04/2021 11:53

My partner was the same but now he is completely in love with our little girl. He goes on the Xbox once DD is settled and stays on it until whenever he wants... his fault if he’s tired in the mornings 🤣

Blueskytoday06 · 12/04/2021 11:54

Zip nada nothing no interest at all. I'm surprised he was there for the birth.

Aozora13 · 12/04/2021 11:54

My DH was the same with our first. Think it was all just a bit abstract for him, and I was a bit concerned the baby was my “project” and he was just humouring me. Plus he’s not one for wearing his heart on his sleeve. Completely different once the baby arrived - I came out of the shower in hospital to find him gazing lovingly at DD and he really stepped up once we got her home. He’s been more engaged with subsequent pregnancies but more in terms of picking up the slack in terms of childcare/housework.

So from my experience not necessarily anything to worry about. DH also loves video games but doesn’t get much opportunity to play nowadays with 2 small children and another on the way!

ALR2019 · 12/04/2021 11:55

Also our DD wasn’t planned and we hadn’t been together too long so I think the unknown and being scared played a big part in this for him. Do you mind me asking if baby was planned? I think this did make such a difference and now DP keeps asking when we’re having another!!

shutthedamndoor · 12/04/2021 11:55

Yup, my husband was the same, and 14 years later I can confidently say he is one of the best fathers I know.

I was really frustrated with him at the time, but when it came to it, he was very intune with the kids as babies, and because he hadn't read the books, he was more likely to adapt to their needs rather than be worried about doing the "right" thing. In hindsight, and in your shoes, I'd try to relax.

Oh, and he plays video games too, but he just didn't have time to play when the kids were small and now they play together...

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw Grin

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/04/2021 12:00

To be fair to your partner I have never read any books, and I've never been to any classes and ive had 3 kids. I'm not really sure what the problem is with the first example.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/04/2021 12:01

9h and I am the mother 🤣

Twickerhun · 12/04/2021 12:02

My DH was the same. He even refused to go to the Nct classes and then moaned when the other dads didn’t invite him to their pub drinks night. He’s got better as the kids are older....

RizzleRazzle · 12/04/2021 12:05

DP was the same, 14 weeks is still very early, there's usually no bump, can't feel kicks etc so they're a bit detached from it at that point I think. DP wasn't bothered about scans after he'd seen DD on the dating scan, wasn't fussed about listening to the heartbeat once he'd heard it once.

I'm 36+5 now and since he's been able to feel her kicking and see her moving around he's much more attached and excited and always tells me how much he's looking forward to being a dad.

Give him time and I'm sure he'll be much more excited!

ButterflyHoneyPot · 12/04/2021 12:09

“Everything ok?” Asked after every antenatal appointment and scan. Aside from that he wasn’t remotely interested in appointments or scans. He’s a brilliant dad, he just hates medical stuff! Loved feeling him move, hated me doing anything that involved raising a finger (and got told to fuck off to the far side of fuck because of it, I was pregnant not terminal Hmm).

You might find the excitement comes when he can actually see a bump there, for a lot of men I don’t think even planned pregnancies are that exciting. It’s not happening to them yet, they’re kind of redundant until the baby arrives.

LunaHardy · 12/04/2021 12:13

Another one to say my DH was exactly the same. He showed little to no enthusiasm with both of my pregnancies. But during labour he was brilliant and is a great dad. Very hands on, helpful and affectionate with the kids. He's also a gamer, still plays now but under the agreement that it's when the kids are settled in bed and there's nothing else to be done around the house. From what you've said I don't think you have anything to be worried about, like others have said it's very different for us as the women experiencing all the changes.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 12/04/2021 12:16

I actually don’t think it sounds great. Things might work out brilliantly in the end as PPs have said but there is also a chance that he’s not mature enough to approach fatherhood how you would like. My DH was early thirties when we had our first - despite being a bit antisocial sometimes (!) he was completely up for doing NCT - he wanted to make sure he learned as much as possible and that I had a support network of friends. He also reduced to four days per week at work to share childcare as soon as I went back from mat leave, having organised his flexible working request as soon as the baby was born. Every appointment was in his diary, booked off work and attended with complete engagement. To me those are the sort of actions of an engaged and mature man who is ready for fatherhood. You read a lot on here about unengaged and unsupportive dads and sorry but yours sounds like he may be headed that way. He may not, but prepare yourself in case he does. You say DP - why haven’t you got married first? I don’t want to be nosy but hopefully you’re not going to give up or reduce work and leave yourself vulnerable if you’re not married and he keeps working full time?

RainingZen · 12/04/2021 12:27

My DP same. He has no empathy so he didnt want to hear about my tiredness, my morning sickness. Wasn't interested in those cute emails I got telling me baby is now the size of a grape, a kiwi etc. Did come to the scans, but it didn't make it more real for him.

He was good about coming to NCT class but mainly because I said it was important to me, but he did find it helpful and it made it seem more real to him and he enjoyed making a few business contacts among the mums- and dads-to-be Hmm.

He was quite revolted by the idea of "a third person" in the room, so no sex or sexual contact of any kind from about 4 months. Very hurtful for me, as I really didnt understand the attitude but apparently it is very comment.

He never touched the bump except a few times to feel the really powerful kicks at the end of the pregnancy.

He rejected every name on my shortlist and proposed none of his own ideas.

He was fine as a birth partner, didnt do a great deal but also didnt panic and he was fascinated by the birth.

He really enjoyed choosing a pram system, baby monitor, high chair and cot (I gave him those jobs).

The great news is despite this unpromising start he has been a really good, incredibly hands on dad to our children who both adore him.

Men commonly just arent interested in pregnancy, it isnt happening to them and it's just "wimmin" bleating on.

I suggest, back off. Enjoy the pregnancy with your friends and family, just wait and see how he fares when fatherhood hits him.

latenightmusings · 12/04/2021 12:27

DH has been pretty uninterested in both my pregnancies - this last one being twins after 5 rounds of IVF and multiple losses. To be honest I was really upset and disappointed at first - it's not like these were accidental pregnancies and we'd (I'd) been through a lot to get them

I also felt like I was nagging when I wanted his opinion on baby things - although to be honest I didn't really want/need his opinion but I wanted to involve him

I'd like to say it changes after the birth...but it often doesn't - he is only just starting to show more of an interest now and they are several weeks old

My male boss when I happened to moan to
Him one day about it all said that pregnancy is often a weird concept for men - they are the growing bump but they aren't attached to it the same way that the mother is and the baby is just an abstract idea until it actually arrives

Horehound · 12/04/2021 12:29

My husband has always been hands on and thank goodness. You really need your husband to be supportive.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 12/04/2021 12:31

Men commonly just arent interested in pregnancy, it isnt happening to them and it's just "wimmin" bleating on.

Um....not the men I know Confused

Any bloke who got me pregnant and then thought I was ‘bleating on’ if I spoke about it would be my ex pretty sharpish. Why do people accept being treated so badly?! Good men who love their partners simply do not behave like this, they really don’t!

Horehound · 12/04/2021 12:31

And yeh it doesn't sound great op.. I've ended many relationships with gamers and finally found one who didn't game and lo! Life is much better

latenightmusings · 12/04/2021 12:32

He was quite revolted by the idea of "a third person" in the room, so no sex or sexual contact of any kind from about 4 months.

Same for me. Except it lasted the entire 9 months. We didn't even have sex to to conceive our twins as they were IVF frozen embryos

He never touched the bump except a few times.

Same for me. Unless I forced him and then I'd feel the moment had been ruined. Obviously having twins my bump was huge and I think he found the whole thing very weird (don't know why since wasn't my first pregnancy)

He rejected every name on my shortlist and proposed none of his own ideas.

Yup same here. In the end I said the lack of interest in the last 9 months meant his input was relegated to middle names and I still had power of veto.

He was fine as a birth partner, didnt do a great deal

DH didn't even make the birth. I'd been in hospital with bleeding and suddenly haemorrhaged - he was asleep with his phone on silent

Swipe left for the next trending thread