How involved was your partner in pregnancy - a bit worried about mine!

[poodlepip]

Hi everyone

I am finding my other half is not that interested in our pregnancy, planning and preparing. I'm only 14 weeks. I will say it was a planned pregnancy he was on board!

Is this normal, wondering if it comes later ofor men? Or do I resign myself that it might not come at all and I need to take on the emotional load myself. I am worried about how this sets out childcare as well. I do have friends to talk to and MN And Facebook which is helpful.

I feel like I am nagging when I talk about anything baby related and he never raises the topic or organises things and when he does talk about it I get signals he's not really interested

Examples

• the night before out dating scan he said "what time is that thing tomorrow?" And it upset me as he hadn't really acknowledged it but knew how much I cared about it.
• yesterday I mentioned that someone had recommended NCT classes and he said "that sounds awful, I don't want to have to talk to other people"
• I asked if he might like to read a book to prepare and he said not really.
• he plays a lot of video games! Not sure if related but I don't know if he will stop when baby comes!!

Thanks guys interested to know how your partners were

X

Thanks everyone.
Yeah hoping he will step up!

@MayorGoodwaysChicken re marriage. I think this is why I am a bit sensitive about it too as long story short I was married before, we were trying for a baby and my ex husband started getting very cold and distant. Turned out he was having an affair, and I had a miscarriage and we got a divorce at 32. 3 years later my relation with with my new partner has been brilliant and we decided for children ahead of marriage, particularly with biological clock (I also have a health condition that makes pregnancy risks higher, they said the sooner the better, and it happened quicker than expected)

I think I am very sensitive to my other half being distant because of some of this. He's old enough in his 40s!! I am sure he will be able to step up but I am just wishing he was really excited and into it, but sounds like I'm not alone there!

What will you do if he doesn't?

Reading some of these things is a little sad though, I do think we deserve more empathy and emotional support and hands on partners really. Women are so strong!

Someone once told me that women become mothers the moment they get a positive pregnancy test and men become fathers the first time they hold their child in their arms. I agree that pregnancy is really abstract for men, especially if you're not yet showing and your partner can't feel any movements.

Oh and forced socialising is my DH worst nightmare. We've not started NCT classes yet but we've decided he won't attend them all.

They say women become men there as soon as they find out they're pregnant. Men become fathers once the baby is born.

I was like your DP and I was the one who was pregnant. Didn’t do antenatal classes (like he says, why would I want to talk to randoms?), didn’t read a book, wasn’t that engaged. I never ever made the emotional leap from pregnant to actual baby in any of my pregnancies. I engaged just fine when they were born.

My DD's 'father' was very heavily involved. Wanted to come to all appointments and scans. Wanted to choose names and baby equipment. However, he became incredibly abusive and controlling. Started cheating on me, and strangled me at 6 months pregnant during an argument.

Currently pregnant with someone new. Not very involved as this was entirely unplanned. He doesn't show emotions easily. However, he ordered me the pregnancy vitamins which I couldn't afford myself and he's asked how I am feeling when I said I wasn't feeling great. Most importantly, he was happy to sort out dinner for DD (who is obviously not his) on nights when I am too ill to cook.

I'd happily take a supportive but uninvolved parent any day

Tbh my dh is quite hands off on most things, I do all the prepping etc. Any appointments I have to put in the calendar (on phone, we share all entries with each other via Google) or he forgets, bloody useless lol. He's military and was deployed for most of our 1st pregnancy had very little involvement. I think for us I'm just used to doing everything and him not being able to be at any apps etc that I don't bat an eyelid at him not being as engaged as I am with everything. He'll be going away for 10 weeks soon too.

Tell him you're annoyed and what you expect from him but be realistic in your expectations.

*- the night before out dating scan he said "what time is that thing tomorrow?" And it upset me as he hadn't really acknowledged it but knew how much I cared about it.

• yesterday I mentioned that someone had recommended NCT classes and he said "that sounds awful, I don't want to have to talk to other people"
• I asked if he might like to read a book to prepare and he said not really.
• he plays a lot of video games!*

This was exactly like my DH. Honestly. Also with a very planned baby.

As time went on he would feel DD kick, and then he'd sit and tell her what he'd done that day or whatever, but see trying to get him to paint the nursery? Bloody hell I think the brexit negotiations were less tiresome. When she was born they just clicked and that was that. He's now her primary carer during the day whilst I work and have a wonderful bond.

I have to say now I'm pregnant with no. 2 my attitude is very like DH's was. I'm struggling to feel excited in the way I was at the same stage with DD, and in fact a lot of the time I just forget I'm pregnant!

To men, it doesn’t really make a difference for them, they had sex and had the same happy ending whether you got pregnant or not. For us, we feel different from the minute we get that positive, then we start thinking constantly about what’s growing inside of us making us feel so different. For them, still nothing has changed yet, they still just had sex that one time.

When the baby is here that can be the trigger then, like ‘oh yeah, I’m a dad now’ whereas mums probably feel like a mum long before due date.

NCT... I'd be extremely uncomfortable in those do never did such things and managed to birth and parent the first successfully (now a moody 15 year old)

To be fair my idea of those classes were the same and I was the pregnant one. I never went.

OP before Covid some areas had antenatal classes just for men. They ranged from an afternoon up to 4 sessions. Anyway I know the other dads in my NCT class who went enjoyed them a lot. This is why they actually turned up to the NCT classes and acted engaged in them.

In regards to him not knowing when your scan dates are - lots of men are absolutely scared of things going wrong, so they act disengaged up until there is a possibility of the baby being born or the baby is actually born.

Mine was the same with each of mine but was a brilliant dad the second the first was born. I understand it as they are not pregnant and in reality are quite redundant until a certain point. I must admit my toes curl when I do hear a man say ‘we are pregnant’, uhhmm, no, no you’re not.

Oh wow, some of these responses make me feel very grateful for my partner indeed! We're going through a miscarriage at the moment, but before I think he was a little overwhelmed by the reality of pregnancy, which made him seem less excited/invested perhaps. Our loss was also really early on and I think he just was protecting himself until the 12 week scan milestone. We didn't make it there this time so I can see why now and I think I'll have no choice but to try and adopt a similar, slightly more detached approach if I'm able to get pregnant next time, at least until we're deep into the second trimester.

Can’t comment on the gaming, but I didn’t ask or expect DP to read books or research. He came to a couple of scans (over 4 children) but definitely not most appointments.
I just thought he knew it was me pregnant, not him and I would let him know if I needed help/how I was.
He looks after his children well!

God he sounds like me during my first pregnancy, at least the early weeks! It just didn't seem real until there was noticeable movement. My husband was the same, never read a book or thought about classes, but has been nothing but an equal parent since having our children.

As for video games, I can't comment as we both love playing them! It's only an issue when you're ignoring all family life for playing games, much like any other hobby.

Ultimately, many men don't see the reality of pregnancy/having children until labour and having a baby. To be honest, you'll look back and realise no amount of books and classes could prepare you for it all anyway, you just go with it.

DH didn't read any books and it drove me crazy. However he did a lot of extensive research on other things - particularly safety related, car seats etc - I can imagine him not having the scan time committed to memory.

Most worrying to me is what you say about the gaming. I assume at your ages you've lots of friends with kids? What's he like when you spend time with them? What do you both say about your friends parenting styles?

Most of our mutual friends had kids when we did, and most of the dads were really hands on. We have one friend who isn't - to a genuinely ludicrous degree - and I find it so funny to see all the other Dads horrified by how disengaged he is. But it was clear to me from the chats we had about our friends as fathers that he knew: there will be v limited nights out or 'solo' time from now on. I think if you haven't started to have those conversations about what will be happening when he's back to work and you're on mat leave, you need to now. It is still fairly early but I had no doubts DH would be v hands on and I was right however so often you see men who were a bit rubbish with housework/planning/etc before and during pregnancy and then women are surprised they don't step up. You need to start talking about that side of things now.

I think the baby is more abstract to Dads until it arrives. Involvement with some things is important - like names, but to be fair, I think they're less likely to get excited about things like new clothes and decorating. DH was very keen on choosing a travel system!

Hmm, I don't think it's what he's saying that's the issue, but the disrespectful way he's saying it.
If he'd said about the NCT classes, "Oh I can see it's important, but you know I'm a bit of an introvert and that just sounds like a total nightmare for me. Would you mind if we did online ones together instead?"

The computer games is an issue if it takes over his life at all. Or if it means he's unfit/unhealthy because of too much sitting. Or if he doesn't pull his weight in the house. If it is an issue, have you talked to him about how much time he spends on it and checked he realises time is going to be really short once the baby is born?

I think it is harder for men to get excited about pregnancy, especially in the early stages. It's hard for women to forget about it, as it's generally making you feel different (sick, sore, knackered etc)! But they don't feel that and so it's not on their minds as much? It's often (but not always) me who brings up baby chat, becuase it's on my mind more. But when I do, DH engages fully and is just as excited as me.

Have you asked him directly why he seems uninterested? He maybe is actually interested, but not communicating very well! Or maybe there are genuine issues which you can talk through.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I actually don’t think it sounds great. Things might work out brilliantly in the end as PPs have said but there is also a chance that he’s not mature enough to approach fatherhood how you would like. My DH was early thirties when we had our first - despite being a bit antisocial sometimes (!) he was completely up for doing NCT - he wanted to make sure he learned as much as possible and that I had a support network of friends. He also reduced to four days per week at work to share childcare as soon as I went back from mat leave, having organised his flexible working request as soon as the baby was born. Every appointment was in his diary, booked off work and attended with complete engagement. To me those are the sort of actions of an engaged and mature man who is ready for fatherhood. You read a lot on here about unengaged and unsupportive dads and sorry but yours sounds like he may be headed that way. He may not, but prepare yourself in case he does. You say DP - why haven’t you got married first? I don’t want to be nosy but hopefully you’re not going to give up or reduce work and leave yourself vulnerable if you’re not married and he keeps working full time?

I agree completely with this. Wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man so immature he has to have 'physical goods' in hand to even fake like he cares about something that's so important.

Personally, I wouldn't have had a child with a man I wasn't married to but in such case I sure wouldn't give the baby his surname and would never compromise my financial security and income to do childcare whilst he carries on with no effect.

For every one of these 'he became the world's best dad' there are legion who never stepped up.

I'm 17 weeks with our first (planned) and my DH is very involved so far. He's attended all the scans, wants to come to obstetrics appointment, has read through all the literature we got given, has bought a few things and is encouraging me to get vaccines etc. It's just how he is. We had failed IVF before we conceived naturally and he did all the injections and came to all appointments even he could only sit in the car. I think because it took us a long time to get our BFP he wants to be as involved as possible. Having said that, I'm doing more of the planning...thinking of what we need, childcare etc. I think it is hard for the men as they can feel a bit detached from it, and certainly with Covid restricting access at appointments, I do feel that they are a bit left behind

It's really sad how many women here found such poor treatment of them acceptable because 'that's just men' and excuses about why men can't be mature adults and supportive of the mothers of their children and partners to the full extent possible. I'd have found that really hurtful.

And my husband was only 24 when I became pregnant. He was thrilled. He had severe dyslexia and still did what he could to learn about it all and see to me.