what's something you wish someone had told you before your first baby?

[firsttimemum111]

Hello, I'm about to become a mum for the first time and I'm genuinely clueless about most things to come 🙈
(I'm hoping that's the case for everyone and not just me!)

What's something you wish you had known before you had you had your first babies 👶

Or the best advice you received/ can give to someone about becoming a mum?

I wish I'd learnt more about the 4th trimester. You have safe sleeping guidelines drilled into you, how to position baby in cot, no loose bedding etc etc... but no one prepares you for the fact that your baby might not actually want to sleep in his cot (mine didn't til 10 weeks old!)

Definitely the 4th trimester and Dr Sears.

That you don't need half of the stuff baby websites tell you you do.

That you get the baby you get, not the one you thought you'd get - memories of standing ticking a very irritable refluxy baby while friends sat and had a lovely coffee and cake while they're bundles slept soundly in the pram next to them....

The days are long but the years are short.

Everything, the good and the bad, is a phase. 'This too shall pass' when it's hard!!

That EVERYONE will have an opinion on how you're doing things - listen, nod and then do it your way anyway.

Just take each day one at a time and don't beat yourself up if you don't get out the house on time, haven't had time for a shower, ate a ready meal cos you ran out of time for a freshly cooked meal. Tomorrow is a new day and it might be the same, it might be better, it might be worse - but there'll be a good mixture of the good the bad and the ugly ones.

That it gets better as they get older - don't get me wrong, it was brilliant when he was a baby, but it still got better (and gets better) the older he gets - he's 8 now and starting to find his own way and place in the world which is delightful to watch, and hopefully guide him in the right directions.

You won't enjoy every second - but you'll enjoy enough to make it amazing!!x

That you will think "WTAF have we done" a lot in the early days, and likely you will in some way mourn your old life (and I use mourn in the true spirit of the word... it really does feel like a loss!) even though your baby was and is so lovely and wanted by you both. It's just a massive, massive adjustment. It might feel like putting a round peg in a square hole for a while, but eventually it'll all fit together and dynamics will work out.

As PP said - don't think you can fix all baby's problems. I spent so much money and time and stress researching what might be causing baby's colic or feeding issues and reality is he just needed time. The first 12 weeks will be troublesome, after that their gut works better and suddenly problems ease up.

Pay for private tounge tie specialist ASAP if there are feeding issues. Don't let MW/HV/GP fob you off. DS was FF and no one cared that he couldn't feed without pain because apparently tounge tie doesn't adversely affect FF babies. They were so wrong. One quick snip of the tounge tie by a private specialist (less than £100 and best money ever spent!) and he was feeding like a champ and no colic or wind issues!

Days are LONG. Years are so very short. It makes me teary even thinking how quickly my little boy has grown (he's now 4) but at the time I was wishing the days away! People will tell you to try and 'enjoy every stage' because of this...but in the reality, you won't be able to enjoy every second and no one does!

Save some money. It'll give you more options later on.

That a pandemic was only 6 months away! 🤣

But in all seriousness, that the first year or so is actually quite boring.

There's no gold standard. Just because X family or baby or book does it one way doesn't mean you have to do it that way. Gina F, Annabel K, Good Sleep whatevers... you do you. Work out what is important to you and choose the easiest thing for you and your family.

But in all seriousness, that the first year or so is actually quite boring.

Yes - eat sleep clean repeat for 4months then YAY A SMILE.

Then it’s eat sleep clean smile repeat for another 2 months then YAY SOLIDS.

Then eat no sleep clean everything in sight smile eat repeat for 3 months then YAY CRAWLING AND CRUISING.

Then eat sleep clean smile get up sit down drag baby from edge of sofa/bed/stairs/wall repeat for a few years.

One thing me and DP said to each other this time round, we’re expecting DC2 in 4.5 months, is that we know our baby best and relax with it. Bad nights sleep don’t last for ever, eat what ever you can, ignore the mess and just don’t invite anyone over 😂.

Don't stress over bed times, nap times and routine. Just go with the flow, there is plenty of time for that later!

@Straysocks

It's loads of fun, you'll be charmed and laugh more than you knew you could. No one told me this, just the hard stuff. Stay in bed with baby as much as possible, just smell each other and enjoy the bonding. The world can wait. Slings are great, putting them down is overrated. Saying that, do what works for you. I did everything I should with my first and everything I wanted with my second. Wanted was best and easiest.

When (trying to) leave the house, get yourself and all your stuff absolutely ready before them or they will poo everywhere every time.

Also, use tap water to clean their bum with every change and they won't get nappy rash so badly (don't use tissue as it breaks), even if you use wipes wash down with water afterwards.If there is any redness use Sudocreme to apply a v thin layer, so you can see through it for maximum benefit. As PP said, Lasinoh on your nipples really, really helps.

Best of luck xx

This is lovely advice - the smell each other and bond bit. I did that with DS and especially after someone else had held him so he smelt like "us" again afterwards. Early motherhood is so primal. It's also wonderful.

Follow your instincts not the advice of midwives who don't know your baby.

I wish that someone had told me if I was having any doubts at all about the father that there was a safe harbour waiting for me

Relax, enjoy it and just let your child be. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks or where their child is in development-yours will get there eventually. They all do. I spent a long and fruitless time comparing myself and deeming myself inadequate. You won’t be.

It’s much easier than you think. You’ll know what to do.

I was so full of the horror stories and expected it to be hell on earth. It is hard and the tiredness is unimaginable but it’s actually lovely.

I very nearly didn’t have DD as thought babies were awful. Turns out they are just fabulous

I think the key advice is to do what is right for YOUR little family - you, baby and your partner/spouse if you have one.

Weirdly it was my very toxic dad that gave me that advice! He said loads of people will give you unsolicited and utterly bonkers advice - say thanks, smile and then do what YOU think is right

My mum (usually much less overtly toxic) was the one criticising almost every choice I made (and even some things I had no choice in! Like the emcs "oh could you not cope with a normal birth" even though she knows baby's and I's lives were at risk!) breastfeeding, swaddling, dummies, naps, feeding to sleep... she criticised the lot!

I just cracked on and did what suited dd, me and my then husband.

Some of her advice directly contradicted safety advice like cot death guidelines! Maddening

Anyway...

Also op I was a nanny before having dd and I STILL freaked at the responsibility. There are certain things you never do as a nanny as of course they happen either very very early in baby's life (belly button nonsense totally threw me!) or you're working set hours so you're not dealing with night wakings etc (and are getting a decent amount of uninterrupted sleep!)!

One step at a time, ask for advice from those you trust and on here and nhs sites etc

Agree with pps that "rod for your own back" in first few years is total nonsense! All babies are different, some will learn to sleep through quickly, others take a while. I've certainly come across smug first time parents who reckon they've cracked baby care and are natural experts - only for no 2 or even 3 or 4 prove them completely wrong!

I had my own ideas, I was going to be a laid back, non routine led mum... what I got was a baby that CRAVED and needed routine (turned out I learned much much later that dd has a disability and many of the effects are minimised by good routines in certain areas - eg eating she's prone to stomach upsets because of it and needs to eat little and often BUT at regular times), if she was late down for a nap she was MURDER for several days after for not sleeping well at night and being an overtired cranky mess! So I learned the hard way she had to have her routine. She's now 20 and is still the same!

@Vursayles is right - a regular clear out of all the stuff they accumulate is good. I used to do this quarterly (seasonal change good time to pass clothes etc on) to keep on top of things.

Buy clothes for the next stages up in advance in the sales! Well worth it

Yep! I did this too. I was a single mum on a low income from dd was quite young and I never paid full price for a winter coat until she hit fussy high school stage. I'd buy next winters coat in the Easter sales some for less than £5 and brand new!

We also co-slept safely until around 3 months meant we all got much better sleep. I was bf at this point and it was so much easier to just pop baby on to feed and us both stay cosy in bed.

It is not the time for it! Your only aim should be to make it through the day in one piece.

Totally agree! I lived in pj bottoms or leggings and a dressing gown first few weeks, dressing gown just to quickly make myself "decent" if guests appeared.

Breastfeeding is a skill you and baby both have to learn - it takes a while. But once you crack it personally I found it very convenient. My milk dried around the 9.5 month mark due to a medical issue which led to a bit of a flap! Ff I personally hated, found it a total pain in the arse! So much faff and bottles once made up don't last long especially if you leave the house, with bf none of that worry you're very mobile, ff you have to remember to take all the kit, how long bottles been made up, maybe need to find somewhere to get it heated up...faff! At the time I lived a 45 min drive from my nearest decent shopping town so I had to time trips there very carefully BUT it's a very personal decision some love ff and find it easier pros and cons to both

Regarding partners - baby doesn't necessarily want the same from them as they want from you. Eg my dd wanted me to hold and rock and settle her one way and wanted her dad to do something totally different - took us a while and observation from ex's mum to spot that one. Your partner will have a different relationship with your child. I was calm and cuddles, dad was physical and playful eg one thing my ex did when we were together was did his morning exercise with dd "incorporated" into them he used her as a sort of weight sounds weird she loved it! BUT she hated me trying to do anything similar with her. She also ate solids better for my ex than me no idea why.

This may sound strange, and it may just be me but after giving birth my centre of gravity changed

That's normal, your weight and distribution of weight have completely changed overnight! I crashed my side into a door frame the day I first stood up, my mum face planted after having me! Bust her lips up!

Also op your body is PERMANENTLY changed, it's not just fat/weight, it's also muscles and bones and joints, they all alter to accommodate the pregnancy and birth that's why on tv crime shows they can tell from a skeleton a woman has given birth - the shape and angle and make up of the pelvis changes

Music with a heavy base helps colic - weird but true! Dd now a huge fan of GNR!

Just remembered to say - my dd was v poorly at first and tube fed and then ff in hospital but it is possible to change to bf from this I did it, first midwife I saw at home said it wasn't possible but 2nd said it absolutely was and helped a lot she had a lot more experience with poorly babies than the other one. It was important to me as lots of allergies in the family and bf can really help with that. Dd has some allergies but nowhere near as many as the rest of us and much more mild in severity so I'm glad I did that

I wasn't able to have more than one so I envy all who were. Enjoy this time it goes by in a flash.

As I say my dd is 20 and left home now and I'm wondering where the time went!

Good luck with it all

Breastfeeding is hard. It's painful. Both you and the baby need to learn how to do it (assuming it's what you choose). In my experience it's worth it, and once you're past that first few weeks it's much easier, but the vast majority of people I know have found it very hard at the start. I could punch those who say 'if it hurts you're not doing it right'. That's rarely true.

I wish I never read so many books. I was young and wanted to do everything right.

I would only pick her up if she cried or needed something, wish I'd of spent more time cuddling with her on the sofa.

Yes to everything is a phase, dd is now 12 and I wish I'd of just co slept and enjoyed her more rather than trying to put her in a Gina Ford routine.

2nd baby on the way and I'm looking forward to netflix and baby cuddles!

This too shall pass

That the newborn stage is actually the easiest bit of parenting! Or at least it was in my experience after everyone told me it would be awful

@Haudyourwheesht

Breastfeeding is hard. It's painful. Both you and the baby need to learn how to do it (assuming it's what you choose). In my experience it's worth it, and once you're past that first few weeks it's much easier, but the vast majority of people I know have found it very hard at the start. I could punch those who say 'if it hurts you're not doing it right'. That's rarely true.

I agree with this, but from the other side. TBH i wish i had never got so caught up and distressed about breastfeeding. It never worked for me for DS1. My milk never came in properly and i twisted myself into knots for 6 weeks before giving up when DS lost weight hand over fist.

DS2 I mixed fed, but mostly ff. It was easier and more relaxing and I wish I had just gone with that the first time.

Also- (I have lost track of the tread so it might have been mentioned) my fave phrase about bringing up children was from MN. 'Everybody's fed. No-body's dead'. Sometimes that is the best you can hope for and is an achievement. :)

@KurtWilde Depends on the baby. My first is almost four and the first year was the worst year of my life. Second is so chilled and easy, I can well believe this is going to be the easiest chapter in parenting her

Google the 4th trimester. It is totally normal for a newborn not to want to sleep anywhere but on their parent and not in a cot or Moses basket.

@YukoandHiro oh definitely! As I say it was in my experience, with all of mine. I found my newborns easy even though my first cried almost constantly for the first 6 weeks and didn't sleep through until she was 3 years old! Still easier to navigate than the teenage years!

hi there, the best advice I was given was actually after my daughter was born. I had her very young and knew little about birth, babies, etc but had a fantastic health visitor who told me to trust my gut instinct and that me and my baby would learn together - and we did. I told my daughter the same thing and three children later it still seems to work :-)