Feeling bad and was shouted at

[Babyjune21]

Feel like I’m never off this page I was
In hospital on Friday I’m 31 pregnant and I have 3 appointments a week every week as my womb is numb and can’t feel 95% of babas movements so I’m monitored my husband was with me ( he’s been allowed to attended every scan every appointment every movement check every time I’m in hospital he’s there with me ) I’m in Scotland and right now partners aren’t really allowed in but we got the ok from my mental health midwife and high risk doctors at 10 weeks pregnant that I was not to attended allow ( I suffer sever ptsd a long with other illnesses) I was extremely suicidal in my last pregnancy and wanted to take my own life due to trauma I have a great team and they bend over backwards for me but I’m really starting to feel bad since we are at hospital all the time we have witness 3 fathers missing births because the aren’t allowed to be with wife until I certain point we have witness woman crying because they have to scan alone now we don’t wait in a waiting room we check in at desk and are taken away to a private room straight away but on Friday I went to check in and it wasn’t the usual woman she told my husband to leave and I calmly asked her to check my records she said “why I don’t have to check you records to know he can’t be here “ she was being extremely loud by this point people were looking my husband told her just to check and when she did she went bright red said sorry and told us to go to usual room we shrugged it off but as we were heading to the room a pregnant woman stood up and started screaming and shouting at the top of her lungs “ no way why is her husband allowed in” “that’s unfair treatment” “who has she paid to get the vip treatment” by this point I wanted to the ground to swallow me whole ! I started to shake uncontrollably the woman became unreasonable and I wash ushered into a room and was told she was asked to leave the premises ! I’m so scared to go back I’m due in on Monday and I’m so scared something like this will happen again my high risk doctor and midwife have both been on the phone to say sorry (totally not their fault) but now I’m
Worried if it happens again what if it happens on the day of my c section as my husband is allowed to stay over in a private room with me for my 2 day stay what if someone sees him i can’t sleep for thinking about it ! I know to many I may seem selfish but this is what ptsd due to trauma does to you !

Tough one OP - I understand why your husband is there but ultimately understand why this woman kicked off. I wouldn’t have been happy had I seen a woman go in with her husband and I was sitting there on my own.

With the currently climate you are going to have to take the rough with the smooth.

What if it does? You are doing nothing wrong and neither is your husband. Hospital personnel are there to deal with any patients or stupid receptionists who cause difficulties. Just concentrate on the baby and let other people deal with potential moaners.

Just walk away and leave the hospital staff to deal with it.
I'd be inclined to ask the MW to let reception know so a fuss isn't made, it you're quietly brought in then people won't necessarily notice like that woman did before
Good luck OP

Please don't worry, you have a VERY valid reason for your husband to be there. That woman that kicked off maybe is the type who kicks off at every thing, don't think about it anymore and enjoy your pregnancy,

I’m so sorry to hear everything you have been through. Some people are total twats and don’t engage their brains before kicking off. You don’t need this additional stress and it must have been absolutely horrible for you.
Try and leave this awful episode behind you and hopefully it won’t happen again. If it does happen again it’s their problem and not yours. You have more than valid reasons for your husband being there just remember that. If only some people would think beyond themselves for just one second they might realise that not everyone is in the same situation. You and the baby are the most important thing, don’t let this set you back.
Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

I’m so sorry this happened OP, how stressful. That awful woman had no right to kick off like that.

Try not to dwell on what others think - it’s for the hospital to worry about, not you. You’ve done nothing wrong. All you need to think about is yourself and you baby

@Analysethat

Tough one OP - I understand why your husband is there but ultimately understand why this woman kicked off. I wouldn’t have been happy had I seen a woman go in with her husband and I was sitting there on my own.

With the currently climate you are going to have to take the rough with the smooth.

Maybe work on developing some empathy, eh? If you see a woman allowed her husband present you ought to be able to realise there’s probably a good bloody reason for it.

Oh OP

Honestly, if I was waiting to have a preganacy related appointment and I noticed someone else's partner was allowed in then, yes, I'd probably be a bit envious in the first instant. BUT the next instant I'd like to think that rational thought would engage and I'd realise the only reason a partner would be there is if something is potentially wrong.

That the woman was told to leave shows you just how out of order she was. Her behaviour was completely unacceptable, and rightly was not tolerated.

When you have your C section, and your husband is with you afterwards, anyone who notices will surely realise that there is a reason you're in a private room and your DH is there.

Some really horrible responses here.
OP let hospital staff deal with any issues. DH could also intervene. (He could have spoken up at check in and spared you having to do so.)
I can understand people being upset though. They may be concerned about their scans and have their own reasons why they are desperate for their partners to come with them.
Doesn’t mean they should be shouting out or that you should feel bad though.

I feel sorry for the poor staff having to deal with all of this. Must be very stressful for them.

The woman who shouted was rude but had no way of knowing what your situation is. As another poster said, you have to take the rough with the smooth under current Covid restrictions

Have some empathy for the other ladies. Everyone has their own story and suffering. You are lucky that yours has been recognised and you’ve got the support you need.
Most women don’t get that level of support. Most pregnant women are alone and afraid and unsupported at the moment. Be kind, don’t make this all about you.

Sorry that happened to you, OP, it sounds really distressing. To be honest l think they should be trying to gauge early on, like at booking in, how distressing new Covid measures like not having a partner there for appointments will be for pregnant women. Clearly it would be so distressing for you that the risk outweighs the benefits, but it sounds like the same applies to the woman who shouted at you. Whereas I don’t mind my DP not being allowed in for normal appointments at all, and I’m sure loads of women are the same - I’d happily make the decision to go myself, and only have him there in active labour, if it meant that women like you could have partners there more safely.

I don't have sympathy for women who choose to get pregnant during a pandemic

You have NO idea what anyone's circumstances are or what they may have been through.

If you were in a position to 'choose' the timing of your children then that's great for you. But with contraception issues, age, miscarriage, infertility, IVF etc there are a whole myriad of reasons why people may be pregnant now.

Fuck giving up what could be your only chance to have a baby because of Covid.

@Babyjune21
As others have said, just try to ignore the other patients, if they respond horrifically that's on them not you. You are following the guidelines, the guidelines are being equally applied to everyone. They obviously allow for certain exceptions and you qualify whilst some others don't. That isn't unfair, it's just taking everyone's individual situation into account. Let the staff manage the reaction of other patients to the guidelines that they've put in place, it's not your fault or your place to worry about it. I know it's easier said than done! But just try to keep reminding yourself that you didn't make the rules and you are just following what you've been told to do. Some people genuinely lack emotional intelligence or empathy, others may be incredibly stressed because of their own personal situation and end up taking it out on others in an inappropriate way. That's their issue, not yours! I'd make it clear to your midwife that it made things very uncomfortable for you so they ensure it doesn't happen again.

FWIW I am pregnant at the moment and wouldn't be bothered if I saw someone else's partner in -- I'd just assume they had a situation different to me.

@idrinkchocolatemilk
People have gotten pregnant during the pandemic for a range of reasons despite the fact that it is harder than being pregnant in normal times. As this is the pregnancy board, difficulties being pregnant in the context of the pandemic will obviously be discussed. Did you just pop over to have a moan about this?

It’s a tough one, I completely understand why you are and should be allowed have your husband with you. However I see it from the other side, I don’t have the type of mental health issues that you describe but I have had multiple panic attacks in the hospital since being pregnant and have had to sit there alone often in a waiting room trying to hide the tears streaming down my face, had my husband been allowed in with me that would have changed a lot for me especially in the earlier days when I was told it was likely I was going to miscarry and all I could do was text my husband who was sitting in the car. On the flip side I’m also terrified of covid and would find it awful if the amount of people suddenly doubled. So while I can understand why your husband is there, I find it difficult to understand why my husband can’t be but also I know I would feel uncomfortable if everyone had a partner there.

I realise my answer contradicts myself but I think it’s because it’s such a tricky issue right now

OP I’m so sorry this has happened for you. Honestly, if the decision has been made by your care team that you can have your DH with you, that’s fantastic for you. It sounds as if they’ve been helpful and supportive so far which is great.

While I understand what other posters are saying about pangs of jealousy, I really would hope that before speaking, people would think. The only reasons exceptions are being made is if there is high maternal need.

Sadly I know a mom who has also experienced similar negative comments, attending with her partner by her side for what others assumed were “routine consultants appointments” in late pregnancy, when they were having to make decisions about urgent medical treatment for baby and talk about palliative care. They would give anything to have had my experience of pregnancy.

We can be far too quick to judge. I hope that the fact that the woman was asked to leave, and that your team have contacted you to check in, shows that this is unusual and unacceptable (selfish) on her part - not on yours! As others have said, it’s likely that the other lady was also scared and reacted poorly, but it’s no excuse.

Could you and your DH perhaps practice a simple response that you would both feel comfortable sharing “my medical team have said he can be here with me, im not going to explain my private health, but he wouldn’t be with me if they didn’t think there was adequate reason, there is always more to every situation than you can see” or something that feels natural to the two of you? Perhaps your MH midwife could guide you? It’s important this doesn’t disrupt your sleep xx

@Goatsgetmygoat

Have some empathy for the other ladies. Everyone has their own story and suffering. You are lucky that yours has been recognised and you’ve got the support you need. Most women don’t get that level of support. Most pregnant women are alone and afraid and unsupported at the moment. Be kind, don’t make this all about you.

This. Couldn't agree with you more.

Sorry you've had such a tough ride, OP, and sorry this incident has affected you, but the reality is you have no idea what the other woman has gone through either. Maybe she has history of baby loss, health troubles, developing and/or undiagnosed MH troubles. You have your own difficulties to carry and I'm glad you are supported. You ought to recognise, however, most other women with their own valid issues aren't supported at all and naturally in pregnancy we're all vulnerable and can be rather short fused at times. In reality, she's made the same mistake as you, assumed that you are fine but somehow getting the VIP treatment which she wasn't allowed to access. I think it's appalling she was asked to leave her antenatal appointment instead of someone recognising the situation and explaining to her calmly and without disclosing your private information that sometimes there are exceptional reasons. Maybe she has them too - it's worth a professional asking questions instead of judging. I am sure you have enough empathy in you to understand this and not judge. Yoi just proceed as recommended by your medical team and they will deal with the rest.

The woman who kicked off was absolutely out of order. He kicking off was purely selfish, she had no idea why your partner had permission and was only interested in her own circumstances. Disgusting behaviour, she deserved to be kicked out.

Since Covid I have had three miscarriages and every time I've gone for a scan I've been alone, found out the news alone it's utterly heartbreaking. I began to dread scans even secretly called the sonographer dr death. But I absolutely understand why the measures are in place. My friend a nurse was killed from Covid. It was horrendous.

So she and her reaction is something you are not responsible for, they have changed the rules for you for good reason. You have enough to deal with without worrying about strangers!

Also last time I had a scan (I'm pregnant now 24 weeks) I witnessed 4 members of nhs staff being harassed. It's disgusting as if their job isn't hard enough! Was only in the building 30 minutes!

Finally those who criticise women getting pregnant in a pandemic- like the women who couldn't keep her selfish attitude to herself in this post. You have no idea the reasoning behind deciding to have a child at this time, it's not an easy choice but sometimes it maybe the only time you can choose.

And whoever said no sympathy to women "choosing to get pregnant now", I won't wrap this up in cotton wool as I've had enough of twats like you on MN - FO.

I lost 3 babies before this pregnancy and had I had it as I "chose", my daughter would have been a toddler now. Sadly not everyone is in a fabuluous position of popping babies left right and centre after a breeze of a pregnancy and in their 20s with time to possibly wait.

Seriously, empathy level zero in some of you, you should be so ashamed of yourselves.

@Goatsgetmygoat

Have some empathy for the other ladies. Everyone has their own story and suffering. You are lucky that yours has been recognised and you’ve got the support you need. Most women don’t get that level of support. Most pregnant women are alone and afraid and unsupported at the moment. Be kind, don’t make this all about you.

This! You're guilty of doing exactly what you're complaining about. You have no idea what that lady has been through either.

i had hypermesis Gradvarium and wasn't allowed my husband there, it was actually very dangerous for me to be unaccompanied. i often felt angry to see other husbands allowed in, but it isn't their fault, shouting was totally unacceptable.

Excuse me to the people saying I don’t have any empathy - so I’ve to have empathy for the OP but not for the other pregnant lady who was by herself.

As someone else has pointed out the OP is being extremely well catered for in a time no other pregnant women really are. I totally appreciate she has PTSD and needs her husbands support but what if we all started saying that to our midwives and demanded our partners get in to all scans, etc.

OP has to understand as well that she is in a very fortunate position in this climate to be getting special treatment which let’s not beat about the bush, she is.

I do wish her well and I hope her pregnancy goes smoothly.

Having to go for a scan on your own is not excuse for shouting at someone. I can’t believe the posters falling over themselves to justify that? There is no excuse for behaving that way, including having experienced baby loss or mental health issues. Some of us have also dealt with those things without shouting at other pregnant women, because we have a basic level of respect and decency.

Mental health issues might well be a reason, if not an excuse, for why this woman ended up shouting. People tend to be much more sympathetic towards mental health issues where the symptoms are socially palatable (for example, being able to calmly explain, as OP clearly has at some point, that previous trauma makes you very anxious). Trauma is just as likely to make people behave badly, angrily, irrationally. At which point you get kicked out of your antenatal appointment for causing a commotion. No one is shouting in a hospital waiting room because they’re feeling really emotionally stable and just want to kick off for a laugh.