Feeling bad and was shouted at

[Babyjune21]

Feel like I’m never off this page I was
In hospital on Friday I’m 31 pregnant and I have 3 appointments a week every week as my womb is numb and can’t feel 95% of babas movements so I’m monitored my husband was with me ( he’s been allowed to attended every scan every appointment every movement check every time I’m in hospital he’s there with me ) I’m in Scotland and right now partners aren’t really allowed in but we got the ok from my mental health midwife and high risk doctors at 10 weeks pregnant that I was not to attended allow ( I suffer sever ptsd a long with other illnesses) I was extremely suicidal in my last pregnancy and wanted to take my own life due to trauma I have a great team and they bend over backwards for me but I’m really starting to feel bad since we are at hospital all the time we have witness 3 fathers missing births because the aren’t allowed to be with wife until I certain point we have witness woman crying because they have to scan alone now we don’t wait in a waiting room we check in at desk and are taken away to a private room straight away but on Friday I went to check in and it wasn’t the usual woman she told my husband to leave and I calmly asked her to check my records she said “why I don’t have to check you records to know he can’t be here “ she was being extremely loud by this point people were looking my husband told her just to check and when she did she went bright red said sorry and told us to go to usual room we shrugged it off but as we were heading to the room a pregnant woman stood up and started screaming and shouting at the top of her lungs “ no way why is her husband allowed in” “that’s unfair treatment” “who has she paid to get the vip treatment” by this point I wanted to the ground to swallow me whole ! I started to shake uncontrollably the woman became unreasonable and I wash ushered into a room and was told she was asked to leave the premises ! I’m so scared to go back I’m due in on Monday and I’m so scared something like this will happen again my high risk doctor and midwife have both been on the phone to say sorry (totally not their fault) but now I’m
Worried if it happens again what if it happens on the day of my c section as my husband is allowed to stay over in a private room with me for my 2 day stay what if someone sees him i can’t sleep for thinking about it ! I know to many I may seem selfish but this is what ptsd due to trauma does to you !

@idrinkchocolatemilk

I don’t have sympathy for women who choose to get pregnant during a pandemic. These aren’t new rules OP, I’m sorry that you suffer with you MH but right now as a PP said you need to take the rough with the smooth.

Then get off the pregnancy boards which are currently only occupied by people who are or are trying to be pregnant during a pandemic.

Moreover, perhaps consider what happens to an economy, to school systems, to midwives etc if noone has babies for 18 months +++ (god knows how long this will go on)! And before your smug, superior attitude takes over again and tells me these systems are overworked... while it may be true, a compelete break for a prolonged period would not help solve that problem! Muppet!

OP, I am so sorry you were made to feel this scared. The person who yelled at you is a selfish ignoramous (much like many on this post). Please ignore them and look after you and your baby. And I say this as a person who attends growth scans alone facing a recognised issue.

I also can't quife understand why your hospital dont seem to be following the government guidelines which do say that women should have a birth partner with them for the key scans, induction and birth and that if they have had a previous loss then they can have someone with them at every appointment. But that's another matter again!

@Analysethat
It achieves nothing for women to fight with each other about entitlements, if you feel you should be getting more support for difficult circumstances - ask for it. Many hospital teams now have mental health midwifes and specific teams that have more flexibility than the “system for everyone”. Sadly the only way to access it is to ask, loudly and lots. This is what we should be doing! Not shouting at each other.

I’m a HCP, heavily pregnant, with a high risk pregnancy and history of loss. But none of that matters. That’s MY story. We all have our own and it shouldn’t be competitive.

I don’t believe that people should have to feel lucky to access the care they deserve.
It’s not easy to “make up” the sort of experiences right now that grant you access to higher levels of support.

But yes. I do wish that people demanded more from healthcare. Often formal complaints etc are the only way we can get management to listen!

Why be polite to the system that keeps the rules in place, and rude to the person needing an exception. I empathize with the other woman but she picked the wrong battle. Use PALs, write letters to management, speak with MP’s. The staff on the ground, and certainly the women attending, don’t have control of the rules!

@idrinkchocolatemilk

I don’t have sympathy for women who choose to get pregnant during a pandemic. These aren’t new rules OP, I’m sorry that you suffer with you MH but right now as a PP said you need to take the rough with the smooth.

What a ridiculous thing to say 🙄 this is why I hate MN. I come on to support people and then I end up feeling really shit because of people like you

@Analysethat
Yes, I'm sure it is true that some people with legitimate needs are not receiving the accommodations they need in pregnancy. This is not OPs fault and she shouldn't feel guilty about being provided accommodations that she needs because there are others whose needs have been missed. It's nothing to do with her.

There are also people who lack empathy and feel entitled to everything just because. Everyone is stressed and not being able to have partners at appointments is devastating for everyone. We can accept this whilst also realising that some people have an ever greater need than we do.

Anyone who feels that attending appointments alone is putting their health at serious risk can and should discuss this with their midwife.

@idrinkchocolatemilk

I don’t have sympathy for women who choose to get pregnant during a pandemic. These aren’t new rules OP, I’m sorry that you suffer with you MH but right now as a PP said you need to take the rough with the smooth.

Then don’t click on the pregnancy threads!!!! I’m sure OP would be happy to scan alone if she could feel her baby move ffs

That is completely not acceptable and I’m sorry it happened.

I’m not saying the pregnant woman was right to shout but tensions are high and she’s annoyed. Not annoyed at you but the situation with Covid with everything and hormones with pregnancy so please try to separate that it was not personal.

Could your husband wait outside the doors or somewhere close by, you check in then grab him quickly. Then if there is another receptionist again it’s less obvious?

@idrinkchocolatemilk

I don’t have sympathy for women who choose to get pregnant during a pandemic. These aren’t new rules OP, I’m sorry that you suffer with you MH but right now as a PP said you need to take the rough with the smooth.

So no one in the world should have babies for a good what, 2/3 years, and if they do they should expect no medical care? K 🤣

What a ridiculous thing to say 🙄 this is why I hate MN. I come on to support people and then I end up feeling really shit because of people like you

Don't feel shit @TJ17, that's just a stupid, goady post from someone who's clearly not very bright. My post will likely get deleted now, but there we go.

@breadbinbaby

Mental health issues might well be a reason, if not an excuse, for why this woman ended up shouting. People tend to be much more sympathetic towards mental health issues where the symptoms are socially palatable (for example, being able to calmly explain, as OP clearly has at some point, that previous trauma makes you very anxious). Trauma is just as likely to make people behave badly, angrily, irrationally. At which point you get kicked out of your antenatal appointment for causing a commotion. No one is shouting in a hospital waiting room because they’re feeling really emotionally stable and just want to kick off for a laugh.

This is a good point.

Op - what happened must have been horrible for you. However, you must have had dozens of appointments and it has only gone wrong once so try not to worry about Monday. Perhaps ask the midwife / doctor if they could give you some kind of letter signed by them that you can hold under the nose of any other receptionists who don’t know you and so you don’t have the same problem again.

@Babyjune21 I'm so sorry you had such an unpleasant experience, it must have been very hard for you

I have severe MH issues & one thing I always try to remember is 'I can't control other's actions, I can only control my reaction to it' Unfortunately, in life, there will be situations where people will behave negatively & we have no control over that.

As other posters have said, this woman was probably acting out of fear. Anger is always a secondary emotion. As hard as it may seem, by looking at her behaviour with empathy it will save you a lot of stress & heartache.

I sincerely hope that the rest of your journey is smoother & wish you all the best x

@Analysethat

Tough one OP - I understand why your husband is there but ultimately understand why this woman kicked off. I wouldn’t have been happy had I seen a woman go in with her husband and I was sitting there on my own.

With the currently climate you are going to have to take the rough with the smooth.

Patients are totally unreasonable and too demanding at times. I can’t believe you feel it is ok for a patient to kick off in a hospital! It’s a public place and it is not ok to be disrespectful to everybody around just because the patient could not have the same treatment as OP!!

That is sad OP. I wish you luck with your current pregnancy.

I think you need to be a bit firmer if someone questions you boldly tell them straight you have had previous losses before and you are happy to swop with them!

Those posts from healthcare staff on here always make me laugh, "ask for it", "seek help if you feel you need it" blah, blah, blah. Reality is 95% of the time you are fobbed off, dismissed, and made to feel your issues are trivial. So you don't ask anymore. Good standard of care should be provided as a norm, not after a PALS complaint! FGS, what has happened to healthcare in this country, I'll never understand. A complete nosedive.

Not to mention as someone else has said, this hospital doesn't adhere to RCOG guidelines by not allowing partner of that other lady to attend the scan.

The woman was clearly out if order and should not have said what she did. However, the hospital seems to have put in place a good system to support you and for the most part keep you separate from other patients. They also handled this incident quickly. So I think you can feel confident they will do the same again should it reoccur. While I am sure the odd person might have felt a bit jealous that you have your partner with you, most will realise that if a woman is allowed her partner at the moment then the situation must be pretty bad. I hope thing improve for you

I honestly whole heartily can’t believe how many wonderful msg yous have send my heart is full I wish everyone in the world could be as nice as yous lot been to me the world would be a wonderful place ! You’s have gave me the courage to call my mental health team (not pregancy team but still supporting me threw the pregnancy) they have offered to see me tomorrow before my appointment ,

I know how blessed I am to have this support but I want to gently remind people that said some not so kind things in the post is the trauma and suffering I had to go threw to be given this type of support and level of on going support for the rest of my life was amense it’s suffering I pray every night that no one will go threw again

@breadbinbaby yes you are right she might have mental health issues in fact we all do in life just some have to suffer more , but know this as you said “maybe she can’t openly talk about it as well as you can” yes I know that feeling it wasn’t always this easy if I could tell myself standing on a bridge 2 years ago that I could and would get the help then maybe I wouldn’t of tried to end my life , I know where in my post did I try and make that woman sound like she was a horrible person my post was about me being scared and struggling to cope again if I had the strength know I’d be the first one to comfort her

For all the woman who said she shouldn’t of passed judgement or comment I totally agree not for the sake of me ! But I was stupid enough a few weeks ago while in for one of my appointments I seen a dad in one of the scan rooms with his wife and once alone with one of the midwifes I said “ it was really nice to see another dad in here “ i knew as soon as I said it the words shouldn’t of left my lips I knew he wouldn’t be in for any good news before the midwife could think she said “sadly they lost their baby” she knew as well as soon as she said it that she shouldn’t of told me she said sorry and so did I ! We both were relived that we were in a private room were the poor couple couldn’t hear us I knew then and there that if I ever ever seen a man in their again it wasn’t ever for good news , I hope more than anything that these things are lifted soon all woman should be allowed to feel supported

So thanks everyone for your amazing support

Hey @Babyjune21 - firstly, very happy you’re getting the support you so badly need. It sounds like you’re going through a lot and I wish you a happy healthy journey for the remainder of your pregnancy.

As for the other ladies that may kick off, and all the anxieties you have about what others in the hospital might say/do/think - Please try not to let that overshadow your pregnancy, stay positive and don’t take too much notice of your surroundings when you go in for appointments and your c section. Walk in with your head held high and if anyone steps out of line don’t even look back, let the staff deal with it and let your husband talk on your behalf if you feel shaken up.

Good luck x

I'm sorry but I don't agree that you have a valid reason to have the VIP treatment at all!

If you were fully mentally incapacitated then yes, but in the nicest way possible, you've managed to understand & explain the situation to the receptionist and to type this post on Mumsnet. Yet millions of other women are having to hear that they've lost their baby whilst all alone.....

I'm sure you're more than capable of lying down and being scanned whilst your husband waits outside. He can always come in if you become distressed.

Please think of others. Please try to understand the other woman's reasons for becoming angry.

I also have PTSD. Along with MS, Severe depression and was also suicidal in my last pregnancy, followed by post natal psychosis & PND and if I was pregnant right now, could almost certainly succeed in bending the rules in my favour. However I would never, EVER do such a thing. Because there's simply no reason to as I know that I'm going in for a scan. I know I have to lie down. I know what the radiologist is going to do. I know what the outcome may be and I fully understand this, despite my PTSD etc. I also know my partner could be brought in if I became upset/distressed and I don't want to be responsible for upsetting other mothers at an already anxiety-inducing appointment.

Like I said, please think of others

@OolieMacdoolie Is it though?

@MNWorldisCrazy Am also a pregnant lady with ongoing MH issues (inc CPTSD). Sorry to hear you've been through so much. Personally, I experienced a miscarriage during lockdown. Partner shielding, so no way of them coming with me. My local hospital during miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy has old, poorly adapted buildings, so no way of DP accompanying me regardless. Would have loved the support OP has received, but I DO NOT resent them in any way for receiving it.

If I've understood OP correctly, what's really upsetting them is thinking TOO MUCH about others. Like...have I done something wrong? Do these people think I'm horrible and entitled? All this compounded by the fact that as you'll know, trauma response can make you very sensitive to shouting and aggression. I think OP has handled everything admirably considering, and shouldn't need to dwell on the other lady's feelings any further, other than to feel sympathy.

I'm happy that you manage your PTSD to the extent that you are able to get through antenatal appointments (and I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much), but that doesn't mean that OP should have to. It's not a zero-sum game.

And being able to explain your feelings is admirable, but is NOT a metric for how entitled to help you should be, as my charity-funded CBT therapist used to remind me all the time when I felt guilty for being there. Hang in there OP. You can do it, try not to listen to the negative voices.

@MNWorldisCrazy
It is good that you feel you are able to get through appointments alone. I feel similarly to you -- it's not my preference of course, but I'm able to do it and I understand the reasons for it so of course I will.

This doesn't mean that OP should be shamed if she isn't in the same position. Her health team are best placed to decide what accomodations are appropriate for her, not a stranger in the waiting room or on the internet. How in the world do you feel qualified to disagree with the recommendations of the health professionals involved with her care? You don't even know the specifics of her situation.

Literally couldn’t care less if another woman has her husband at a scan- I say this as a woman who was pregnant before the pandemic, gave birth during lockdown and whose husband didn’t attend the scans.
Vile society we’ve created where we only happy to accept are own shitty circumstances if we see others suffering too- if any woman needs a partner there she should push for it.

I do care if women insist on bringing their husband to all of their routine appointments, every unnecessary person in the room increases my chance of getting covid which I don't much fancy as unvaccinated, diabetic and nearing the third trimester, with a pre schooler who needs me at home.

Having said that I wouldn't say anything because you don't know peoples circumstances etc.

I am ok going to my appointments alone. If I see a partner going into an appointment I assume there is a valid reason and that that woman's pregnancy is more complicated than mine. Unfortunately people like that shouty woman do pop up from time to time and is upsetting to anyone let alone someone with MH issues.

I wonder how many more more women will get PTSD because they aren’t allowed a partner around to advocate for them...

I’m sorry the other woman upset you OP. It’s great that you’re being well supported and able to access the help you need. Best of luck for your next appointment.

@GreenSlide I don’t insist on my husband being there I have been told under no circumstance do I enter hospital grounds with out him there I didn’t ask for this treatment this is what was put in place with out me having any say so , also my husband isn’t a covid risk other than hospital we are shielding due to my health he nor me aren’t kept in rooms with any of the other pregnant woman we simply pass threw the large lobby into the unit and give our names we are then told to go to our private room we are never with in 10 feet of any of the other pregnant woman at all so him being there will never increase their risk of covid I wouldn’t put others life at risk for my own gain so please be aware of that before finding the need to comment