Gender disappointment

[brushlaptop]

I sound like a horrendous person but I'm unbelievably disappointed to be having a girl and not a boy. I had a very difficult relationship with the females in my family and I'm worried this will be reproduced. Has anyone felt anything similar?

Do you think the poor relationship you have with the females in your family is due to fault on your side? ie. You behave more negatively towards females than males for some reason? If so you might have a problem but if not there's no reason you'd have a bad relationship with a daughter just because of their sex. My mum was a nightmare but I have a good relationship with my teenage daughters because none of us are difficult people like my mum.
I know someone who had a bad relationship with his dad so wanted a daughter. He had sons and gets on fine with them

When I found out my first was a boy I was really upset, because all I could picture was my brother who is a very complex individual and really has been a lot of trouble for the family. It was easier to picture having a girl because we all get on great and I didn't want the trouble my parents had with my brother and still have. However since having my son he's honestly the best thing ever and I realised it was my attitude that needed changing and nothing to do with what I was having. I look back now and shake my head at how daft I was being. My point is try and break the cycle, you make this relationship different then the past ones with other females.

Thanks @Helenknowsbest, I have a very similar situation with my sister, she has a whole plethora of complex behavioural problems and could not be schooled. It was so tough for my parents with her and I think deep down my worry is that my daughter would turn out like her. I already have a much wanted son who is an absolute angel 😇

I think pinpointing a reason for how you feel is actually really helpful. Remember that your baby is not the other women in your family and you have the chance to make a strong relationship with her as she grows up based on mutual respect, non suffocating her etc etc. I felt the same way when I had my first, for very similar reasons to you (didn’t find out the sex because I was so scared I’d be disappointed). In the end he was a boy and I was overjoyed, and I’m now pregnant with my third boy, and would have loved a girl this time as it didn’t scare me any more, but it wasn’t to be. I think when your baby is here it will all make sense

Your daughter will almost certainly be more like your son than your sister. Also I am far more like my brother than my sister. I wanted a boy this time and was disappointed for a day or two but it passed very quickly - it's just feels like the baby was always 100% going to be another girl so I don't think about having a son anymore.

I've never had gender disappointment. Hubby has though, he hoped we'd get a 2nd boy with our twins then this one. We're having our 5th girl and have 1 poor boy lol, though he's not bothered and just glad he doesn't have to share his room.

Look at it as your fresh start. You have the chance to build the kind of relationship you would have like with other females in the family. I always wanted a sister as a kid and only had brothers, I live my mum but we don't have the kind of relationship she had with hers as she suffered with pnd after me. I have a very close relationship with our girls and I love that, the teen might be mean but she loves me really .

Maybe look at it another way... in 18 years if it turns out that your DD is nothing like the other females in your family and you get along brilliantly, you will a) know you are an awesome parent b) have overcome your paranoia about a weird female "awkward streak" in your family and c) have one of the most beautiful and special relationships in your life.

My DD is no "angel" but she is incredibly precious to me and it's been an absolute joy bringing her up, despite some difficult patches. I did really want a boy, for a number of reasons which I won't go into but also made me fearful of bringing up a girl well. Those reasons haven't entirely left my mind but I have taken steps to make sure she is growing up into a rounded, loving and capable individual.

I would say, don't play too much to gender stereotypes - your little girl might prefer trains and football and martial arts to fairies and ballet and needlework. Or she might just like a bit of everything. Make sure she spends plenty of time with her dad to give her balance in her life.

You are right. I think I am slowly getting used to the idea.

I'm just worried as it's a lifetime commitment and I'm not excited about this pregnancy or this baby at all. I have a 16 month old son and when I found out his gender, I was just over the moon happy, went straight online buying gorgeous little boys clothes etc but since I found out with this one I'm just like meh she can wear her brother's stuff.

I am hoping that when she comes out I will be biologically programmed to love her

I'm similar OP, although for slightly different reasons. I just feel like I've never really understood girls, despite having been one for the past 37 years. I'm convinced I won't know how to talk to her, how to guide her through typical life experiences, and she'll end up feeling about me the way I feel about my DM. I just can't get excited about her arrival. I see mums with little boys and get quite jealous and emotional. I thought I'd be past this by 33w, but no. Like you, I'm hoping that the love will magically come when she's born...

@LaMadrilena me too. I literally never saw myself as the mum of girls. I never knew how strongly I felt about it until I found out that my second was a girl not another boy, and honestly I felt so disappointed and just bummed about it. Which is stupid, as I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy so I should be happy to have any baby at all. The worst thing is that this pregnancy has been SO much harder than the last (boy) one.
We always thought we would have just 2 but I think knowing now that the second will be a girl we will definitely go for 3, but most likely do some form of gender selection which I know you can do in Spain or Cyprus xx

You can't select by sex in Spain unless it's for medical reasons, ie avoiding certain genetic diseases that only affect one sex.

Poor kid, considered to be crap because of what is between her legs before she is even born.

She might not actually be interested in the girly shit.

Don't have any more, it isn't fair on them if you hate girls so much.

I struggle with my relationships with mum and sister but I have an amazing relationship with my daughter. You will be fine. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I only wanted girls. When I had a boy, it took me about six weeks to bond with him. Now I'm so glad I had him. He's a great son and loves his mum.

I think your disappointment is directly down to your experiences and you have to instead consider the future. How lovely to have 2DCs and your DS to have a sibling.

Babies are babies and it takes time to see personality and how they fit in your family, which matters more than the type of clothes they wear or toys they select.

I have a girly girl (I'm not girly) and a full on boy and I didn't expect how different they would be nor how well it would work.

Don't over-analyse what you cannot yet know.

Hey, my first was a boy and it was an adjustment.

I only have sisters, only had experience with girl babies, and whenever I imagined having a baby it was a girl. I just assumed when I had a baby it would be a girl.

So when I started feeling it was a boy - and it was confirmed on the scan - I did feel a bit deflated in the moment. I was just like, 'Ah, I knew it.' But then I tried to get myself excited by buying cute clothes and accessories (now you know the gender you can buy more things!), thinking of a name, and just letting this little person take on more of an identity in my mind.

And this time I'm pregnant with a girl and honestly you'd think I would have been even more desperate for one this time, but this time it actually didn't matter to me because I know how nice it is to have a boy as well.

When you're pregnant it feels like you're going to have a 'boy' or a 'girl' but ultimately you're going to have your baby, who will grow into an amazing child and adult, and it really won't matter.

I wanted a boy but had a girl, I couldn’t imagine being a mum to girls and preferred boys.

She turned out to just be amazing though, an absolute star, they develop their own personality different to everyone else in the family so they are their own person like everyone else is.

When I got pregnant the 2nd and last time you would think I wanted a boy but I was over the moon when it was a girl again!

You just adjust.

@LaMadrilena ah okay I think I need to do more research into where it's possible to do it, I know you can in the US but that's quite far to go, potentially north Cyprus or something. To be honest the only thing keeping me going is the thought that I will be able to have more boys. I'm trying to get myself excited by looking at the girl clothes but it all just seems so expensive and I'm sure she can wear some of what I already have for my son. I really invested in beautiful and high quality boys clothes thinking they would be worn again (which they will! But I guess maybe not as much for this one).

@Ismellphantoms that's a really nice story. You have a good point. I am told all of this will go away once she is here. I guess the good thing is that we are biologically programmed to love our children no matter what 🥰

@Magnificentmug12 that's a lovely story 🥰

All you know about your baby at this point is that she doesn’t have a penis. You have no idea what her personality will be like or what her likes and dislikes will be. I have 2 children, one male and one female and they have far more similarities than differences. They are both gentle, caring, clever and creative. They are also both annoying, loud and argumentative . They even both run with the same gait, long skinny arms and legs flailing about!

Try not to prejudge her before she’s even here, remember you are female and she’s your daughter so you are likely to have a lot in common.

@MojoJojo71 yes you're right. I am just so so scared that she will end up mike my sister with so many problems which ultimately led to my parents divorce and was so hard to grow up with. Parents constantly stressed and worried about one child that the other gets forgotten. It would not be fair on my son. I have everything crossed that she is much more like my husbands side of the family than mine 😂

I didn't find out the sex before birth but I desperately wanted boys. I'm very tall and didn't want my daughter to grow up being tall (it's shit as a teenager)

My eldest is a boy. When my youngest was born and DH told me it was a girl I just adored her. I was also disappointed. She is my last child and I'm sad I won't have my second son.

She's tall for her age, but so clever and loving. We have such a strong bond now. After a few months the love I have for her took over from the disappointment. She's just perfect.

Try to remember that your sister’s issues are because she is the person she is, not because she is female. You have more DNA in common with her than your daughter will and you turned out ok, right?

Your daughter will inevitably be the most awesome little girl you’ve ever met in your life 💐

@Twizbe that's good to know that it fades over time. Feel you on the height issue, I also grew up tall and did not like it!

@MojoJojo71 thank you ❤️❤️❤️