Gender disappointment

[brushlaptop]

I sound like a horrendous person but I'm unbelievably disappointed to be having a girl and not a boy. I had a very difficult relationship with the females in my family and I'm worried this will be reproduced. Has anyone felt anything similar?

This is an interesting thread as normally it’s women disappointed they’re not having a girl.

I can relate to your worry about bad family traits being passed on. I have a similar concern -one of my parents is aggressive and has a bad temper- although there’s nothing to say such traits stay within one sex.

@NinaMimi yes I would say on the most part gender disappointment manifests itself as women who wanted girls but have boys.

You are right that bad traits do not necessarily stick to one gender. I suppose in theory it could be my son who ends up being a nightmare 🤷‍♀️ (though I doubt it he's totally divine 🥰) I guess it's just my experience that problem children have been female so that's the gender I associate being difficult with

It’s really not nice reading that you don’t want to buy clothes for your daughter because you hate girls so much. It actually disgusts me!

You should know that when you get pregnant it’s 50/50 whether it’s a boy or a girl.

I feel sorry for this poor girl already 💔

@georgarina that's good to know that it goes away once the baby is here. Me too I just assumed that I would have another boy (no idea why!) and I think I didn't realise how strongly I felt until the gender was revealed to be a girl.

@Cafeaulait27

It’s really not nice reading that you don’t want to buy clothes for your daughter because you hate girls so much. It actually disgusts me!

You should know that when you get pregnant it’s 50/50 whether it’s a boy or a girl.

I feel sorry for this poor girl already 💔

There's always one who likes to kick someone when they're down

[quote brushlaptop]@Twizbe that's good to know that it fades over time. Feel you on the height issue, I also grew up tall and did not like it! [/quote]
It really does. She was also a really easy baby. Her birth was beautiful and super easy. She breastfed perfectly, that helped massively as well.

I'm still not into massively girly clothes and she doesn't have much pink in her wardrobe. She's 2 now and I honestly wouldn't change her for the world

Look at it this way op - YOU are a girl.

How would you feel if someone judged you without knowing you solely on the basis of your sex?

@Twizbe it’s called having an opinion. Gender disappointment I can totally understand, but saying you won’t bother buying clothes for your baby girl because you hate girls so much is just not nice at all. It’s just not.

@Cafeaulait27 alright I wouldn't usually reply but my son has gone down early so have a minute. Firstly, feel free to just not comment on threads that you find disgusting or that you don't have anything useful to add on. I really don't get what the point of your comment is? You find it disgusting okay great good for you Happy Easter. If you've not experienced gender disappointment and don't really have anything to add then feel free to jog on. Unless (as it appears) you just want to make me feel bad by commenting on random posts on mumsnet on Easter Sunday which says a lot about you 😂

Secondly, I don't "hate girls" at all. I have so many wonderful female friends, some of whom have baby girls and they are gorgeous. But I have bad female genes. I have a potentially irrational but very real fear that since she has my genes history will repeat itself and she will become like my absolute nightmare of a sister who ruined my parents and my life growing up, has never worked, still lives with my mum age 30 and will probably be my responsibility to look after and pay for when my parents are gone which also fills me with fear as she's an extremely difficult person to deal with... imagine two of those in your life... also having seen and experienced the devastation she caused to our family I am extremely fearful of this happening to my family due to the baby being female. I am filled with fear and cannot be excited, but as some of the posters have reminded me, being troubled does not necessarily pertain to one gender and it's very likely that this will go away as soon as she arrives 🥰

@Twizbe thank you that's so wonderful to hear. I wouldn't say I'm massively girly either. I've gone through some of my sons baby clothes this afternoon and actually most of them would also suit a girl. That's wonderful that she was an easy baby and breastfed so well, that is the dream! She sounds great

@Wanderlusto yes you're right! I'm sure she will have her own personality completely aside from her gender.

@brushlaptop you’re right and I am sorry - gender disappointment I totally understand (although I haven’t been there because I haven’t got that far) I think what got me was your comment about the clothes - I just worry about a poor little girl (maybe I’m thinking about if it was me) and if she felt unloved or neglected.

I think I am having a very hormonal day - I wouldn’t normally ever write anything unkind and I am very sorry to have upset you. Xx

I have boys and they are like chalk and cheese personality wise. You are basing a lot of assumptions on your children’s sex, and a lot of assumptions on your daughter before she’s even arrived. Treat her as you would your son, she is part of you, she is not your sister.

@NotATomato yes you're right, personality or agreeableness is not gender specific. I suppose if you think about it my sister and I are examples of that

My dd didn't eat or sleep very well and my labour was traumatic so it was difficult at first but she was a beautiful baby (obviously biased). She turned 5 this week and is a dream, gentle, sweet and mild mannered usually but she has recently started finding her voice more and sticking up for herself which is great to see and so much more confident (was quite shy previously). Her db was easier from birth, a bigger baby, drank and slept much better. He is more challenging at 3.5 than his sister, has an answer for everything and knows his own mind.

Your baby might have traits from other family members but not necessarily on your side, could be on your partner's. She will also have bits of you in her and ultimately be her own little person. Try not to let fear of the unknown rob you of what should be a joyous time.

For the posters who are getting at the op, how helpful are your comments? She hasn't said she wanted a boy because she doesn't like women or girls or that being a male is the better sex. Instead she is worried because she doesn't get on with certain family members and is worried their traits may be more prevalent in a dd.

I had a real yearning for a boy first, based on lovely mother- son bonds I’d seen but also complex family and friend relationships with older sisters/ younger brothers as well as some negative mother- daughter relationships. I was ecstatic we got our boy first, but then went on to have my daughter. I adore them both, completely equally. I know I would have had my daughter arrived first too. You just can’t explain the bond and love you have for your child when they arrive.
Your daughter would share your genes but you are not your sister - right? And your own and your sisters genes/ DNA etc as well as nurture in being brought up by the same mother would have so much more in common/ likelihood of sharing traits than your daughter to your sister- her aunt. Try to separate this. We are all are own people. You would shape her such a lot in your own relationship too, aside from genes.

@Sceptre86 thank you for that, you are so right that agreeableness is not gender specific so for all I know my daughter could be much easier than my son 🤷‍♀️

@DollyParton2 that's really good to know that regardless of birth order you would love them both equally, and that you love your daughter the same regardless of gender preference. Thank you.

[quote brushlaptop]@Cafeaulait27 alright I wouldn't usually reply but my son has gone down early so have a minute. Firstly, feel free to just not comment on threads that you find disgusting or that you don't have anything useful to add on. I really don't get what the point of your comment is? You find it disgusting okay great good for you Happy Easter. If you've not experienced gender disappointment and don't really have anything to add then feel free to jog on. Unless (as it appears) you just want to make me feel bad by commenting on random posts on mumsnet on Easter Sunday which says a lot about you 😂

Secondly, I don't "hate girls" at all. I have so many wonderful female friends, some of whom have baby girls and they are gorgeous. But I have bad female genes. I have a potentially irrational but very real fear that since she has my genes history will repeat itself and she will become like my absolute nightmare of a sister who ruined my parents and my life growing up, has never worked, still lives with my mum age 30 and will probably be my responsibility to look after and pay for when my parents are gone which also fills me with fear as she's an extremely difficult person to deal with... imagine two of those in your life... also having seen and experienced the devastation she caused to our family I am extremely fearful of this happening to my family due to the baby being female. I am filled with fear and cannot be excited, but as some of the posters have reminded me, being troubled does not necessarily pertain to one gender and it's very likely that this will go away as soon as she arrives 🥰 [/quote]
You may not be able to help your feelings but you can help how you act and it is imperative that when your daughter is born she is treated the same as your son even if you don’t immediately feel the same love. I also don’t agree with sex selection except for medical reasons. Think how your daughter will feel in the future knowing that she wasn’t enough. I’m not trying to have a go but she may end up inadvertently feeling second class and that is not acceptable.

Are you sure your sister didn't have autism?
I'm the mum to 3 children all with autism. My eldest 2 have very complex needs, they can't regulate their emotions and once in a meltdown can't calm down and need support. They both go to a special need school as have ld as well, however we have to use very specialised strategies, visual, timers etc. I think it seems sad your family broke down due to your sisters needs. People seem to have 2 views on autism- a person who can't communicate at all and just rocks in a corner, or a person who is extremely good at maths and factual 🤦🏼‍♀️.

@buffyp I think you will feel a lot better about yourself if you don't try to pick fights with random people on the internet. I hope you have a Happy Easter!

@Skymum82 I am not sure as it has never been diagnosed but it is certainly a possibility. I wouldn't say she was particularly academic but that doesn't mean that she didn't have it. I suppose the good thing about growing up now vs 30 years is that there is so much more information and help available to deal with things like that

Also you are AMAZING to successfully parent 3 kids with autism. It can't be easy to have 3 anyway let alone if they have more complex needs. I think in the early 90s there wasn't the information available and my parents were just floored by how difficult she was and did not know what to do with her. They were constantly stressed, she had numerous suicide attempts as a teenager which must have been awful for them and my mother in particular was just at her wits end.

Yes totally it may be something to still look not as saw further up your worried about financially supporting her as she gets older. However if she has autism and it's has a disabling effect (to me it does still 30 no job living at home). She wil prob be entitled to disability payments.
Mine as soon as they have any anxiety they can get angry and kick off. Actually when we see santa for my son it's always a awful start 🤦🏼‍♀️. We didn't go last year due to covid but he actually kicked all the windows at the zoo, screamed we were idiots kept trying to run off. However he settled and enjoyed it. Luckily we had told the zoo and they were very supportive but hard for my girls as they were excited. 🤦🏼‍♀️.
It's just something to think about, maybe even better for your sister to have some understanding if it is that.
It's funny how I see behaviour so much differently now due to my kids needs and like you said it was something never looked into 30 years ago.
My son is esp very hard work I'm just in the hoped all children are different 🤦🏼‍♀️. Like you and your sister were clearly not alike so the chances of your daughter being like her is slim x

Havent read the full thread and sure I'll be flamed but I am so sick of reading things like this! If you are going to be disappointed in that you're having a boy/girl then you shouldn't be having a baby 😡😡

Thanks @Skymum82 I will look into it, it would certainly help if she was able to get disability benefits (if it turns out that she does have autism) as at the moment my mum pays personally for everything for her at 30. She is not very organised and so although I think she would be eligible for unemployment benefits she doesn't ever claim for it as I think the paperwork and process is too much for her xx