Gender disappointment

[brushlaptop]

I sound like a horrendous person but I'm unbelievably disappointed to be having a girl and not a boy. I had a very difficult relationship with the females in my family and I'm worried this will be reproduced. Has anyone felt anything similar?

No I totally get that. My eldest was actually a angel younger, she had a very early autism diagnosis as was in a world of her own and non verbal until 4, she was delayed in all areas and rocked and flapped and was diagnosed obvious. As she got older she got more aware, and that's when her behaviour got worse, she started to have so many meltdowns constantly. School couldn't meet her needs any more so we tried a special needs school which was awful choice and she actually broke the window and threatened to use the broken glass to cut herself if they come near! (She was 9). However now at a autism specialist school. And seen a massive improvement. My son since day 1 had behaviour issues 🤦🏼‍♀️. Every transition caused a massive meltdown, getting changed, nappy changes every thing. His at the same school as my daughter.
Youngest is very sensitive, however very kind and thoughtful, just struggles socially. She got a diagnosis then 2 weeks later found out I was 6 weeks pregnant with baby number 4. I had to have help to get pregnant with the others (have pcos). This is much a miracle baby as was using contraception and a year ago had a scan due to pains and my ovaries were in really bad state 🤦🏼‍♀️. Obviously have concerns this one will have autism but my youngest has been a absolute joy to our lives tbh, and sometimes much needed as the others behaviours can take over and knock you constantly. Not easy but I live in my own little world now and don't tend to compare Mine to what other kids are doing. I pretend my life is normal 😂. Which has been easier to do over lockdown lol.

@clpsmum well done I hope that comment made you feel good 😂😂

Please jog on and spend time with your family on Easter Monday rather than making random negative and un-useful comments on mumsnet posts without even reading the whole thread. If you don't have anything useful to add, please send your futile comments elsewhere there are lots of other threads where you can go and argue with randoms on the internet 😂 have fun! Have an excellent day, I hope you win all your internet arguments with strangers and go to bed happy x

Maybe look into adhd too, my eldest 2 also had adhd. Also pda is something to research. My eldest is learning strategies to help her self, school are amazing as more than academic they work on this with her (actually a few children as it's quite common for children with autism and ld). She is really starting to understand her self as it's important for her not to constantly blame her self too and think how useless and awful she is that she deals without stresses by screaming shouting and throwing. As most of the time time after she is gutted she did it. As a parents it's difficult to get the consequence for that action and not wanting her to feel terrible about her self balance. It's about "learning". She has to learn every social cue, like not always being first not always winning, not always doing what she wants as she is still learning everyone else had feelings and may want to win or have ideas etc.

@brushlaptop no having a pretty shitty day actually consoling my friend after her sixth failed ivf attempt. Desperate to be a mum then listening to people disappointed they didn't get what they wanted.

@Skymum82 congratulations on your pregnancy! Amazing news. That is a miracle. I'm sure you will be an awesome mum to them however they are. You sound like a great mother and your children are very lucky to have you. The school sounds like they really look after your children and it's great that there are places like that around these days. I also have pcos but I did not realise until trying to get pregnant with my son and it just wasn't happening and as I didn't have any of the other classic symptoms (excess facial hair and weight gain etc) it was a late diagnosis as the GP said to wait until we had been trying for over a year to do any explorations, so we also used fertility treatment and lost a few along the way. This actually makes me feel even more guilty about having gender disappointment as I should be happy with just any healthy baby. To be honest I had no idea how I felt about having a girl until I was. I knew before getting pregnant that I had a slight preference for a boy but didn't think it was what it is. The reality of it happening has hit me like a ton of bricks and brought up a lot from my childhood and experience of my sister.

@Skymum82 thank you so much i will look into adhd too, that sounds a lot like my sister!

Good luck, honestly I'm pleased these days we have answers, like last night my son had a massive meltdown called my eldest a "idiot and rat face". Which is awful, however was able to keep her calm and remind her that he says these unkind things when having a meltdown and doesn't mean to say sucH awful things and remind her he had a consequence (he came in from the garden). However it takes a while for him to say sorry. He did in the end. But the trauma all this would case in a household that didn't know about Autism would of been awful as they would just build a rift and everyone would dislike everyone as we would have no understanding to why they can be so unkind. Knowing in them moments there is no control really helps to not take it personally. I don't think anyone should judge you and don't you either you prob have child hood trauma there, maybe if you get to all understand what could of caused it it may help you all. Congratulations and def go and pick out some beautiful girl dresses. Girls are honestly such a blessing, doing each other's nails, hair, girly films think of all the good things. Good luck

@clpsmum I am very sorry to hear about your friends failed fertility treatment. We went through multiple rounds of IUI and IVF to have both of our (successful) pregnancies and lost a few along the way so I know how she feels. It's a very tough situation and so hard with all the hormones and the highs and lows and just the amount of time it takes. Unfortunately this does not remove having gender disappointment, it just makes the guilt of having it worse due to the journey to get there.

Feelings are not causative of actions (I may look at Boris Johnson and feel like punching him in the face but am I going to jump into an Uber to number 10 and camp there to do so? Obviously not...😂) so OF COURSE any daughter would not be treated any differently at all, I don't know anyone no matter what the level of gender disappointment who would actually favour one child over the other on gender alone, you just don't do that! Your suggestion of it is just ridiculous and you clearly have not read half of this thread you are just randomly jumping in with reactive and un-useful comments which quickly frankly just make you look silly and uninformed🤷‍♀️

As I said before, if you want a random argument on the internet go for it and I hope you have great fun but this is not the place for it.

@brushlaptop sorry. You are right I didn't read the thread just your initial post and reacted due to the circumstances I find myself in this weekend.

You will love your daughter exactly the same as your other children when she arrives. Don't feel guilty, your feelings Re valid and they are out of your control, we can't help how we feel about things. You'll get over the disappointment I promise you! I am sorry if I upset you and I hope your pregnancy and the birth goes smoothly

You say yourself op that your feelings are irrational. Therefore,once your baby arrives and is her own little person the chances are that your fears will dissipate as you see how gorgeous she is.

@brushlaptop 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻well done for shutting down some of these nasty posts. Every time a woman posts about GD she gets flamed with the same unhelpful shit.

To quote Sven the Reindeer 'you feel what you feel and your feelings are real'

@Skymum82 definitely it's so great that there is the help and the knowledge available these days. It sounds like you are quite the pro in handling such situations with your children, and you understand them so well ❤️

@Oneeyeopen definitely, you are right 🥰

@Twizbe thanks, I honestly don't understand people who just make random negative comments often without reading half the post or who just want to argue with strangers on the internet for no apparent reason 😂 😂 have fun with that 😂 I'm sure it makes for a great day 😂

The suggestion that I would actually treat a girl any differently to a son is absurd and I genuinely do not know anyone who would actually do that 🤦‍♀️To people suggesting this- it says a lot more about your thought process than mine! Either that or you've been watching too much of the Tudors (which I can forgive you for- it's an excellent show).

Sven is wise indeed 😉

I was really upset to find out DC2 was going to be a girl and not another boy. I was ragingly hormonal and wanted a carbon copy of my lovely DS, and not a carbon copy of unhappy-as-a-child-me. It took me a little while to get used to the idea but I'm so glad I found out as it meant I could get all the disappointment out of the way before she was born so by the time she arrived I was thrilled to be having a baby of any kind.

It's so different having the actual baby. I still sometimes look at her and am sad that she'll have to go through having periods and buying bras and stuff (which I found really difficult) but she really is her own person and not a mini-me at all. Who knows how she'll find her own life and girlhood/womanhood!

Personality wise, DS is just like me and DH and who knows where DD's came from!

I found it really helpful to focus on what a total individual my DS is, as it helped me remember that DD was going to be an individual too.

@PerspicaciousGreen your story is so hopeful, thank you for sharing. Yes I have heard from a few girl mums that they were initially worried about their daughters going through the same thing as they did, I have to say as a teenager I found the whole period and buying bras thing quite hard too!

I had a DD first and when pregnant with DC2 I was keen for another girl because I just wanted the same as her. I just couldnt imagine another child and weirdly thought that by having a girl I'd end up with similar children. Weird thought process. I had DS and I cannot describe how ridiculous I felt within about a minute of his birth! I adore his bones with the same strength as hers - sex doesnt matter a bit. You'll adore your DD and she will have her own little personality for you to enjoy.

OP - I understand.

I had gender disappointment too - i'm currently carrying my first and it's a girl. I always for some reason thought it'll be a boy.

For me the reason why I was disappointed is because i'm just so worried about her. Irrational yes. I keep worrying about how she'll be exposed to gender inequality, how she'll have to be extra careful with her surroundings and her safety (because of her sex). And at work how she'll likely have to do much more to be promoted/ to be recognised because of her sex. I saw a thread on AIBU about a mom and her daughter being leered by horrible people when they were running and that made me concerned as well.

I know such things can happen to a boy/a man too but this is always on the back of my mind that she may have a more challenging life because of her sex and because of societal norms/perceptions.

Think about the kind of relationship you wished you could have had with the women and girls in your family. You can have that sort of relationship with her. She's a person in her own right. You are on here asking advice on a serious, sensitive issue from a bunch of women so you can't think we're all bad!

@Ploughingthrough I totally resonate with that, when I had my DS first I had such an amazing experience with him and just wanted the same again! I am sure I will be exactly the same as you as soon as she's born!

@PickleCabbage I 100% agree with you. I do believe that life is easier for men. No periods, no having to worry about brushing your hair or wearing makeup, no embarrassing bra buying etc. And yes not to mention the unfortunate fact that (at the moment) men are paid more to do the same job as women. I really hope this changes. I also felt this, and when I found out she was a girl it was in the midst of the sarah everard tragedy and I can remember thinking to myself men might get mugged and/or beaten up but they are a lot less likely to get raped and/or murdered than women are.

I am sure we will raise our daughters to be strong women ❤️❤️

@Cowbells that is true 😉 generally I do get on with women a lot better than men, women are awesome! I'm sure she will be great

@brushlaptop, thank you - i feel comforted that there is someone who understands! I never mentioned this in real life to friends or family as I don't think they'll understand. My DH really wanted a girl having grown up with only male siblings and he didn't really get where I was coming from, though he tried. Just keeping my fingers crossed that world will be a better place in the future and our daughters will be strong, amazing women!