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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone else not care at all about the sex?

68 replies

0xalis · 26/02/2021 03:13

All I want is a healthy baby, boy or girl I'll be glad to have either!! I always found gender disappointment a little silly. Gender is not the entire determining factor of the kid's personality after all. We chose a unisex name for any baby we have that's born alive (already one miscarriage under our belt, very glad we chose to just nickname the fetuses and save the name!) I don't want to get too attached to any expectations of my child, including their gender, since I know they're going to be their own person with their own ideas about stuff. If we had room for a nursery I'd go with a pastel yellow one! We won't be having a gender reveal of any kind either, I'll just tell people as they ask once we know. I'm not trying to judge those who do care about this, but I personally don't and want to know if anyone else here feels the same way!

OP posts:

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Squish3 · 26/02/2021 03:22

@0xalis I had no preference either...happy and healthy was all I hoped for! My midwife and the sonographer at each of my scans were genuinely shocked when I asked them not to tell me whether it was a boy or girl! Apparently my midwife only sees a few people a year that don’t find out 😳
Also...one of the nicest moments from my labour and delivery experience was DH getting to look first and announce whether we had a boy or girl 😊 it was a lovely moment and he really loved that he had a “big job” to do on the day 🤣

PFin · 26/02/2021 04:38

With my first I had no preference, as long as baby was healthy and happy i didnt care at all. I ended up having a boy. This time round i knew deep down i wanted a girl. After having a boy I wanted to experience having a girl and thought it would be nice to have 1 of each as I only plan to have the 2. But i felt so bad for having these feelings. I felt guilty for a baby boy i might not even be having as they may have been a bit of a 'disapointment' (but really wouldnt have been). Anyway i've been told im having a girl so i suppose it worked out. Still feel guilty tho for even having such thoughts. Good Luck OP I hope all works out and whatever you have they'll be beautiful.

happymummy12345 · 26/02/2021 04:46

OP I think your comments are rude, hurtful, disrespectful and quite frankly extremely judgemental. What gives you the right to say it's 'a little silly'? That's your opinion fair enough, but you make anyone who feels the opposite seem like they're wrong for their opinion, because it's the opposite to yours.

Gender disappointment is very real and very hard, and unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand it. I experienced it, It was my first baby.
I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen.
I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. Yes I was upset about it. I felt like the worst mum in the world for not feeling that instant love for my son. Yes obviously I loved him straight away, but the first time I looked at him I thought ‘why aren’t you the daughter I always wanted?’ I felt so guilty and I have to carry that guilt for the rest of my life, which is a lot harder than other people will ever know. We also knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times and I didn't didn't help either. (She had a preference every time and she got what she wanted all 3 times).
My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl and feel a bit sad about it. I wonder if we ever will.

There will always be people who don't understand. I know that. But I'll say to you what I've said to many other people. Do not judge what you don't understand!

faithfulbird20 · 26/02/2021 05:22

I totally agree with you. I don't care either. So long as they're perfectly healthy.

bluebluezoo · 26/02/2021 05:28

why aren’t you the daughter I always wanted?

Why did you want a girl? What make a girl so much more desirable?

Heyahun · 26/02/2021 05:30

Totally agree! I’m not 2 days overdue and don’t know what I’m having! Live that it will be a surprise and never once in my pregnancy did I feel I should find out tbh! :)

Queenbee95 · 26/02/2021 08:11

I have two boys, didn’t mind either way what their sex was.

I’m almost due my girl now and honestly I wanted to cry when I found out I’m having a daughter. I’m terrified. I think I would have been happier being told I was having another boy, as silly as it sounds.

I feel like all the gender disappointment threads on here, everyone is so sad they are having a boy and not a girl. I think boys are amazing and I adore my sons.

WalkingMeAway · 26/02/2021 08:25

It’s always the boys people don’t want
I find it offensive as a Mum to an amazing little boy.

All children are a blessing whatever their sex. I struggle to understand it.

MaMaD1990 · 26/02/2021 08:27

I didn't care a jot what we had, was just happy to be having a baby! I know some who said they'd feel disappointed if they didn't get a particular sex which I thought was silly (didn't tell them that obviously). I could maybe understand some disappointment if they had a brood of one sex and wanted the other sex to add to the mix. First baby gender disappointment though is something I don't understand.

firstimemamma · 26/02/2021 08:34

Yanbu op, it's not important at all! Well written post.

Chelyanne · 26/02/2021 08:35

Current one I'd just be happy with baby surviving as it follows 2 mc's. Hubby is hoping for a boy though as we have 1 boy and 4 girls atm, so we're having a private scan next week. I booked it because I simply want to see how it's getting on in there but sold it to him as a gender one because he didn't want to pay for any scans. He doesn't get my worry, thinks all's fine because dating scan was but all I do is worry. 15+3wk atm.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 26/02/2021 08:37

I agree with you OP, and I think most people feel similarly.

Mylittlesandwich · 26/02/2021 08:49

I chose to find out because I had a preference of sorts. For me it wasn't so much that I didn't want a boy it was more a fear. There are very few males in my family and I was worried about how I would manage. Would DH be a good enough role model on his own?

By finding out while I was still pregnant that we were having a boy it gave me more time to really think about it and examine why I felt the way I felt. By the time he was born 21 weeks later I was quietly confident that I could handle this.

He's only 15 months old so I don't imagine he's much different in his needs at the moment. I never had a positive male influence in my life but DH is amazing and I know we'll all be fine.

Rosieposy89 · 26/02/2021 09:00

I completely agree. People that get disappointed over the sex of their baby need to get a grip. There are people with poorly babies who can't have children who would do anything to have a healthy child. I find it weird because there is no saying that that child will conform to gender norms anyway or might not identify with the gender assigned at birth. The only reason I would find out is so that we can focus on choosing names. I wouldn't tell others what we were having as I can't be doing with stereoptypical gender nonsense!

VNttc · 26/02/2021 09:13

I agree with you OP. Lots of people I know are surprised that we don't mind/don't want to find out. I've got quite a few trans/non-binary/gender-fluid friends and know that childhood was so hard for them. I can't wait to meet my baby and find out what their personality is like, what interests they'll grow to have and what preferences they'll have. We'll do our best to push against the gender stereotype stuff before they get exposed too much in the outside world. Plus the bonus is less pink or blue stuff!

We're tie dying baby grows this weekend! Rainbow colours for days!

ThanksItHasPockets · 26/02/2021 09:14

There's absolutely nothing rude or disrespectful about the OP.

OP, I felt the same. I found out both of my children's sexes in utero because I regarded it as a piece of information that was available to me, much like the length of their femurs or the rate of umbilical cord blood flow.

It is interesting to hear that a PP had a flash of disappointment at the birth. Posters on many previous threads who advocate not finding out the sex claim that you will never be disappointed at the birth in the way that you might be at a scan but obviously that's not the case for everyone.

Theforest · 26/02/2021 09:36

I think there is a perception that women are closer to daughters than sons. Which of course is ridiculous and it's all down to the individual relationships.

I have often heard casual comments from friends who have 1 of each that they have the perfect family for that reason. It grates that they obviously think I don't because I have 2 boys.

I didn't mind either way and didn't find out before the birth because it didn't matter to me.

BlueberryPancake21 · 26/02/2021 09:55

I genuinely thought I didn't care and just wanted a healthy baby until I found out at a scan and felt a little deflated - and that's after 2MC with constant fear throughout my PG so makes no sense. We'd been trying for 5 years and I realised I'd been imagining a certain gender that whole time without realising consciously. No-one can help their immediate emotional reaction - it's not necessarily rational and it's not very kind to tell people they are silly/weird. Everyone has emotional reactions they don't understand/aren't proud of - it's just for different things. Now I know I've had time to get my head around it I'm excited about the baby I'm having. I do sometimes wonder if I should've waited until they were born and if I would've felt differently finding out then.

Starlive23 · 26/02/2021 11:41

YANBU, I didn't care at all either way both times just wanted healthy babies and whatever gender they were didn't bother me at all. I think once you've been through miscarriage you just want a good outcome regardless of anything else.
I ended up having a girl and I'm now having a boy which I realise a lot of people will think is perfect but after all the shit I went through to stay pregnant, honestly, it would not have bothered me one bit.

LittleMimi · 26/02/2021 12:01

I agree in that I just want a healthy happy baby. I haven’t asked to find out the sex. However, society unfortunately does care about whether you’re a boy or girl/man or woman, and so it does make me think about different pressures either sex can face and how as a parent I could handle it.

SunnySideUp2020 · 26/02/2021 12:58

I personally didn't have any preference. But it's my first. And maybe if i had 2 girls i would want a boy... who knows?
Just like it's ok to just want a healthy baby, it's ok to have a preference too.
Loosing sleep or becoming depressed over the gender disappointment it is a bit OTT i think. But that's just personal opinion.

SenoraSurf · 26/02/2021 13:04

I didn't care with my first and before I got pregnant again I too thought gender disappointment was a silly concept.

With dc2 I am hoping for a girl. We're choosing to find out the gender as I know I will have to take time to reimagine what my future will be like if we have 2 boys.

I think I will be sad and feel like I'm missing the experience of having a girl but this feeling is not enough to make me want any more children.

I think it's naive to judge someone on an opinion or feeling that you've never had or experienced yourself.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 26/02/2021 13:26

I’m only 11 weeks with my first but I think I have a slight preference for a boy at this point, the ONLY reason being is that as a nanny I’ve always found boys a bit easier 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t care really though, I’ll be thrilled with either, after we had a miscarriage I’ll be grateful just to have whatever it is. And we will find out before, I’m not fussed about surprises at all

I think gender reveals are sick-makinly awful but that’s nothing to do with preference, they just make me cringe.

Darcy86 · 26/02/2021 13:38

Me neither! Currently a week over my due date (arghhh) and I don't know what I'm having, I've got 2 separate babies in my head whether it's a boy or girl and I'm excited about them both - of course they will probably turn out nothing like how I'm imagining anyway! I think if we have a second I might have a slight preference for the one we don't have this time around but equally maybe not; honestly no idea how I'll feel. Got to be honest I can't relate to the idea of "gender disappointment." I know people with serious fertility struggles and just feel incredibly lucky to be able to conceive a child of my own, regardless of their sex. Not telling people how to feel - just my own opinion.

user7891011 · 26/02/2021 15:23

Most don't care which is why the people who do feel so alone and confused about their feelings. You have probably made a few reading this feel more alone and confused and quite unnecessarily as well, as I'm sure you are aware that most people just want a happy healthy baby, unless you live under a rock.

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