Setting boundaries with partners family

[Amki90]

Hi all,

Expecting with my second and already am having drama with my partners family before the baby has even been born.

To give some background I suffered terribly with post natal depression after my son. I had a traumatic birth but the the main triggers were my inability to breastfeed and the overbearing incessant visits from my partners family. I’m a survivor of domestic abuse from a previous relationship so was monitored closely in my last pregnancy as apparently this can correlate with depression during pregnancy and post.

This time my pregnancy has been a much more positive affair, and I’ve actually enjoyed it at times. With not too long left my consultant and midwife suggested an action plan to minimise the triggers I felt previously. After lots of discussion and consideration I will be giving baby first feed but then trying my luck at exclusive pumping. I’m totally happy with that decision and am ready with formula if it doesn’t work.
Next up was the visits. Now I’m not exaggerating this was nothing short of hell. I napped once, ONCE, when my son was born and awoke to find 7 of my partners family in my lounge all passing my baby around. A baby I had established little bond with and was trying my hardest not to crumble. I’m not going to lie I wanted to scream at all of them but instead I sat their like a chump and let it happen whilst making everyone else tea. On other occasions his family would just turn up announced and stay for hours just getting in the way. His Nan even turned up whilst my midwives were checking my internal stitches for infection and chose to invite herself in and demand my son be brought to her in the spare room.

Well as I said this time I’m not having it. I’m a bit older and wiser and frankly I want a different experience this time. So as suggested by the consultant I constructed a text, she even said with COVID I have a good excuse if I’m especially worried.
I created what I thought was a well meaning and fair message.....

Hi all, thought it best to get in early if XXX early arrival was anything to go by. I really hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way because it’s not meant with any malice at all. As some of you may know I struggled quite badly with postnatal depression after DARLING SON. This time my midwife and consultant have advised I change approach and focus on the triggers I felt last time. So with that in mind, I wanted to ask that people wait to visit until asked after the baby is born. I was really overwhelmed after DARLING SON and with COVID too I’m quite anxious about it all. I’m scheduled for my section on the XX and been told to take it especially easy for those first 6 weeks. Please don’t think we’ve forgotten you but I would just love the 4 of us to bond and settle in for those weeks before opening the doors (but more likely windows) to visitors. I hope everyone understands and I’m so excited to share our new arrival in time xxx

Now, I also asked my partner if he was ok with this before I sent it and he agreed. In that moment I felt so supported by him and reassured, yes, this is a good thing. Well a few hours later his sister is in tears along with his mum and suddenly my partner is annoyed at me? She apparently felt the message was ‘unnecessary’ and really not what she wanted to receive after a long day. I was absolutely dumbfounded, how can anyone get annoyed at a message that essentially says “don’t turn up announced, I’d like us all to bind with our new baby”

His sister was previously the person I was closest to, but I feel this total lack of understanding and lack of respect is the cherry on top of me just giving up with them. I feel like I’m just viewed as a vessel to bear children to gift to his family to distract them from the stresses of every day life.

Has anyone else dealt with overbearing family members on their partners side and successfully set boundaries for the future?

Hi lovely x firstly congratulations on 2nd baby! I think you're over explaining yourself and you don't need to justify any of this. Just say hey, baby is due soon and I'm going to really just enjoy the baby bubble this time round, with Covid about me and husband (make it a joint decision) are just a bit wary of germs so for the first few weeks we likely won't have visits. We can't wait for you all to meet baby and when the world is less crazy we'll have lots of time for baby to meet you all.

You don't have to ask their approval or permission to do what you want, especially when your mental health is at risk. I've been there, I cried in the shower a few days after my son was born in December as the thought of anyone touching him was too much. Luckily covid meant they couldn't come over!!

You're doing what's best for you and for baby so don't doubt yourself xxx

I really feel for you. From what I can tell it seems like with your message you’re still trying to put everyone else’s needs above your own - that’s not a criticism at all, I understand it must feel impossible for you. My situation with my partners family isn’t as bad as yours, but they are overbearing and he finds it hard to say no to them. Unfortunately over the years I’ve had to take on the role of “bad guy” when it comes to setting boundaries. I am firm and stick to my guns. I also make sure it’s fair for both sides of the family (both mine and his) so we can’t be accused of favouritism.

Honestly if I were you I would bring my baby home and lock the door. Close the blinds if you need to. Sounds extreme but it sounds like they won’t take no for an answer, and it’s really important that you keep to your word or they’ll think they can dictate everything and you’ll lose clout.

Wishing you the best! X

I sort of agree that the message was unnecessary. Or unnecessarily detailed anyway? A simple text about how with covid etc you won't be up for indoor visitors until restrictions lifted but you are happy to meet them for an outside walk in the park. Talking about your PND and using words like "triggers" is perhaps a bit too clinical....

But in any event You shouldn't have needed to send it - your partner should have had the conversation with his family - instead your message now squarely puts you as the "bad guy" restricting access to Baby 2

Lock the doors, close the curtains. Just do not let them in. If your partner isn't willing to be a gate keeper, then you have a other half problem too and you need to nip that in the bud.

Congratulations, first and foremost. Please do not be made to feel bad. You should not have to explain yourself. Stick to your guns you have done nothing wrong...and from their previous behaviour I feel yes, it probably was necessary to send them a message. I hope everything goes well xxx

Yes, lock the doors, put a key in the lock and close the curtains.

Stop being so nice, you asked them nicely and they respond this way, tell them and put your foot down. I know it's difficult (I'm a people pleaser myself), but the more you do it the easier it gets and the less people will take the piss.

You don't need to explain yourself any further, you've sent the text, your dh agreed with it at the time, let him sort his family out. They now know your wishes, so if they turn up unannounced then simply don't acknowledge them and ignore them.

Sorry they’ve been so inconsiderate. I think your partner should step up to support you more. Ideally it should be him dealing with his family.

Stick firmly to your wishes and best of luck with everything.

Congratulations!

Let them rumble on. Your mental health is more important here. Do they have a key? If so, either DP gets it back from them or you get the locks changed. Don’t let people in if it doesn’t suit you, invite them over when it does. You actually have the advantage here, you are the mother of your DS and your coming baby, if they want to see your children then they have to work to your timetable and not just demand time with them or barge in uninvited. Get a few boundaries drawn, stick to them, don’t explain, don’t apologize.

I think the message was unnecessary and would have pissed me off to receive-it’s basically ‘I’m just warning you well in advance what the rules are...!’

Your problems are caused entirely by worry about your partner inviting/allowing his family in when you didn’t want them in. How did they get in if he didn’t let them in?

You should be directing all ‘rules’ at him and saying ‘when we come up from hospital they can’t all come round and that’s your job to enforce’.

Honestly I think it’s a bit harsh. Six weeks is a long time for a family to not even see a baby.
I think it’s done now but it wasn’t really the right way to handle it. A simple “I’m really sorry but due to the covid restrictions and the visiting midwives we cannot have any visitors at all after the birth of the baby. We will try our hardest to let you meet them outside- weather permitting and covid rules as well- but we are not going to be able to take any risks with the wee ones health.

Take the focus off you and who can then suggest risking a newborns health for a cuddle?

But it’s done now. Not sure what you can do. Ignore them for now? Suggest once you are healing well a small walk to meet the family on your terms is offered? Let hubby take wee one out? Etc. It’s different with a toddler around too you may find you actually want the family support and can’t really just have bonding time.

Expecting with my second and already am having drama with my partners family before the baby has even been born.

This ‘drama’ seems to have been caused entirely by you and your text though!

When is the baby due?

I'm not surprised he did a u-turn when they were upset, shows he is scared to upset them. Well your focus has to be on him, you have set expectations and he has to back you up on those to them. I think your terms on time alone to bond are not unreasonable under the circumstances but I would allow them in for a cuddle asap. They'll have to lump it.

We had a big falling out with my husbands mother and step father when I was pregnant with our twins. They had a go at me on Facebook of all places, hubby was at sea at the time and when he found out he lost his shizzle with them. The result, they didn't meet our twins until they were 4 years old. Really threw their toys out of the pram and wouldn't come when invited because it wasn't on THEIR terms. When they get comfortable they forget there are boundaries, only simple ones, I don't like people turning up unannounced at all and they are terrible for this. Last time I was in my pj's feeling pretty sorry for myself with nausea and fatigue so I wasn't best pleased.

Baby is due in mid April, so during all the COVID relaxations and I know they would reference those as an ‘in’ to see the baby.
The 6 weeks is more because I suffered a severe prolapse after my first hence the section for my second. So I’ve been told to take it really easy to minimise any further damage afterwards, and frankly I don’t fancy jumping up at the window like an animal at the zoo.

I do feel reassured that the majority of those responding feel the behaviour exhibited in the past has warranted a message and of course I feel validated that my consultant suggested it too. I do wish my partner would be a bit firmer with them because, I agree it would have been better he be the one to have the conversation in the first place and I wouldn’t have been the ‘bad guy’.

And how interesting it is to hear others have had similar experiences with in laws. Whilst I don’t like thinking of anyone having the stresses and troubles it’s nice to not feel alone.

Having carried a baby for ten months and then given birth via c-section, you're the one whose needs must come ahead of the extended family. They are just going to have to wait until you're up to introducing them to your child. In the mean time they can support you by dropping prepared meals on the doorstep and tiptoeing away. The priority in those early weeks is bonding with baby and if possible establishing breastfeeding, and spending time with your eldest and husband. I wish you and your family all the very best. Stick to your guns, you're doing well 😊

Tbh, I'm not surprised they reacted the way they did. It does read like you're trying to exclude them. I think your husband should be dealing with his family. I wouldn't dream of interfering with my husband's family as its not my place to. Your husband probably feels a bit stuck in the middle and doesn't know what to do.

It looks like you are a very tactful delicate person but your in-laws are not. What you need to do is affirm yourself more and prioritize your feelings and wellbeing over their wishes. Be very direct in saying how things will be done. For example "We will have no visitors in the first month" or "I want to have a private time with the baby this time". Just write what you really feel and ignore the habit to put things "In a nice way" because they obscure how you really feel. For example, are you really excited to see them later? It sounds more like you are frustrated. By writing about you being excited you make it easy for them to take your word for it. Some people just don'5lt get it you are trying to be polite. Be blunt. When we try to hide our feelings and be nice while feeling angry frustration only grows. Communicate how you feel and what you want without minimizing it ("I want", not "I just wanted", "I felt overwhelmed" , not "I felt a little overwhelmed" etc)

COVID restricts it all anyway. They physically won’t be able to visit your house. I can’t see indoor mixing happening in April.

Also, given that you won’t be vaccinated I sure as shit wouldn’t let them all in.

Lock the front door and ignore. Don’t be nice, tell them. Your thinking of your mental health, yours and your babies health and you won’t be accepting any visitors.

The text was fine (although I do feel 6 weeks is too long for absolutely no contact with his family).

Except, it shouldn't have been necessary. It's not clear to me how after your experience last time, it wasn't your DP saying to his family, "look everyone, obviously we want you to see the baby etc but Amki had a really tough time last time and we've been advised by doctors we have to really make sure to look after her this time and with Covid, that adds an extra layer of complexity. So we can't do unannounced visitors at all and we'll probably limit any visits etc to small group sat set times for a while. Once baby is here I'll be in touch and please contact me if you're wanting anything."

There was absolutely nothing wrong with sending the message and as the mother your needs are more important than his families wants. I am due in late August, early September and by then restrictions will have hopefully lifted but I won't have had my jab. I have told dh that I am happy for his mum to come and stay if she wishes as I know my mum will want to inorder to help me. All other guests will be welcome but at a time that is convenient to me which will probably be after lunch and I would hope they would be gone before dinner time so I can rest up. They will be given tea made by dh and light nibbles, anyone who wants a more substantial feed will be directed towards the kitchen. I have had two csections and this is probably going to be a 3rd I fully intend to rest when I need to.

When my dd was born I still remember being asked to hurry up as dhs uncle had come over to my inlaws (where we lived at the time) and wanted to see her before I left for work. I was feeding dd who had been placed on a strict feeding regimen as she lost so much weight after birth and ended up back in hospital. Noone ever told me family would be coming over to visit and I had no control over anything which made me upset and I cried all the time. I now know it was pnd but at the time I just thought I was a shit mum. I will not allow anyone to make me feel that way again and dh knows how I feel and why. He will not be allowing more than one family to pop over at a time.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x

*before he left for work.

OP, mine were awful and overbearing with the first, nobody cared that much about the poor second child! You may find it’s better anyway. Agree the message was slightly over sharing, just keep it firm and breezy. I wouldn’t have kept even the worst offender away for 6 weeks though, that’s a bit unecessary.

Totally agree with your approach OP, your recovery and bonding with baby with is priority after birth. Don't feel the need to over explain to your in laws though, they will only pick at your reasons - just keep strong, say very little - tell your DP the rules for afterwards so he can apply them.

Went through exactly the same conversations with my partner, I've stated my wishes and boundaries with upcoming birth and visitors to my side of family. They are well aware and respect them. He knows our plans but it's entirely upto him how he tells his side. If there are any unannounced house visits, doors will be locked etc and he can deal with being the big bad doorman if so

If I were you I would get my partner to send one follow up message to his family showing that he is behind you with this. Then leave it. Don't respond to criticisms, let them make their own drama if they want to.

I think six weeks is far too long and very unreasonable.

No wonder they are upset. There are other ways of limiting their behaviour. That's just cruel.