Hi all,
Expecting with my second and already am having drama with my partners family before the baby has even been born.
To give some background I suffered terribly with post natal depression after my son. I had a traumatic birth but the the main triggers were my inability to breastfeed and the overbearing incessant visits from my partners family. I’m a survivor of domestic abuse from a previous relationship so was monitored closely in my last pregnancy as apparently this can correlate with depression during pregnancy and post.
This time my pregnancy has been a much more positive affair, and I’ve actually enjoyed it at times. With not too long left my consultant and midwife suggested an action plan to minimise the triggers I felt previously. After lots of discussion and consideration I will be giving baby first feed but then trying my luck at exclusive pumping. I’m totally happy with that decision and am ready with formula if it doesn’t work.
Next up was the visits. Now I’m not exaggerating this was nothing short of hell. I napped once, ONCE, when my son was born and awoke to find 7 of my partners family in my lounge all passing my baby around. A baby I had established little bond with and was trying my hardest not to crumble. I’m not going to lie I wanted to scream at all of them but instead I sat their like a chump and let it happen whilst making everyone else tea. On other occasions his family would just turn up announced and stay for hours just getting in the way. His Nan even turned up whilst my midwives were checking my internal stitches for infection and chose to invite herself in and demand my son be brought to her in the spare room.
Well as I said this time I’m not having it. I’m a bit older and wiser and frankly I want a different experience this time. So as suggested by the consultant I constructed a text, she even said with COVID I have a good excuse if I’m especially worried.
I created what I thought was a well meaning and fair message.....
Hi all, thought it best to get in early if XXX early arrival was anything to go by. I really hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way because it’s not meant with any malice at all. As some of you may know I struggled quite badly with postnatal depression after DARLING SON. This time my midwife and consultant have advised I change approach and focus on the triggers I felt last time. So with that in mind, I wanted to ask that people wait to visit until asked after the baby is born. I was really overwhelmed after DARLING SON and with COVID too I’m quite anxious about it all. I’m scheduled for my section on the XX and been told to take it especially easy for those first 6 weeks. Please don’t think we’ve forgotten you but I would just love the 4 of us to bond and settle in for those weeks before opening the doors (but more likely windows) to visitors. I hope everyone understands and I’m so excited to share our new arrival in time xxx
Now, I also asked my partner if he was ok with this before I sent it and he agreed. In that moment I felt so supported by him and reassured, yes, this is a good thing. Well a few hours later his sister is in tears along with his mum and suddenly my partner is annoyed at me? She apparently felt the message was ‘unnecessary’ and really not what she wanted to receive after a long day. I was absolutely dumbfounded, how can anyone get annoyed at a message that essentially says “don’t turn up announced, I’d like us all to bind with our new baby”
His sister was previously the person I was closest to, but I feel this total lack of understanding and lack of respect is the cherry on top of me just giving up with them. I feel like I’m just viewed as a vessel to bear children to gift to his family to distract them from the stresses of every day life.
Has anyone else dealt with overbearing family members on their partners side and successfully set boundaries for the future?