Setting boundaries with partners family

[Amki90]

Hi all,

Expecting with my second and already am having drama with my partners family before the baby has even been born.

To give some background I suffered terribly with post natal depression after my son. I had a traumatic birth but the the main triggers were my inability to breastfeed and the overbearing incessant visits from my partners family. I’m a survivor of domestic abuse from a previous relationship so was monitored closely in my last pregnancy as apparently this can correlate with depression during pregnancy and post.

This time my pregnancy has been a much more positive affair, and I’ve actually enjoyed it at times. With not too long left my consultant and midwife suggested an action plan to minimise the triggers I felt previously. After lots of discussion and consideration I will be giving baby first feed but then trying my luck at exclusive pumping. I’m totally happy with that decision and am ready with formula if it doesn’t work.
Next up was the visits. Now I’m not exaggerating this was nothing short of hell. I napped once, ONCE, when my son was born and awoke to find 7 of my partners family in my lounge all passing my baby around. A baby I had established little bond with and was trying my hardest not to crumble. I’m not going to lie I wanted to scream at all of them but instead I sat their like a chump and let it happen whilst making everyone else tea. On other occasions his family would just turn up announced and stay for hours just getting in the way. His Nan even turned up whilst my midwives were checking my internal stitches for infection and chose to invite herself in and demand my son be brought to her in the spare room.

Well as I said this time I’m not having it. I’m a bit older and wiser and frankly I want a different experience this time. So as suggested by the consultant I constructed a text, she even said with COVID I have a good excuse if I’m especially worried.
I created what I thought was a well meaning and fair message.....

Hi all, thought it best to get in early if XXX early arrival was anything to go by. I really hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way because it’s not meant with any malice at all. As some of you may know I struggled quite badly with postnatal depression after DARLING SON. This time my midwife and consultant have advised I change approach and focus on the triggers I felt last time. So with that in mind, I wanted to ask that people wait to visit until asked after the baby is born. I was really overwhelmed after DARLING SON and with COVID too I’m quite anxious about it all. I’m scheduled for my section on the XX and been told to take it especially easy for those first 6 weeks. Please don’t think we’ve forgotten you but I would just love the 4 of us to bond and settle in for those weeks before opening the doors (but more likely windows) to visitors. I hope everyone understands and I’m so excited to share our new arrival in time xxx

Now, I also asked my partner if he was ok with this before I sent it and he agreed. In that moment I felt so supported by him and reassured, yes, this is a good thing. Well a few hours later his sister is in tears along with his mum and suddenly my partner is annoyed at me? She apparently felt the message was ‘unnecessary’ and really not what she wanted to receive after a long day. I was absolutely dumbfounded, how can anyone get annoyed at a message that essentially says “don’t turn up announced, I’d like us all to bind with our new baby”

His sister was previously the person I was closest to, but I feel this total lack of understanding and lack of respect is the cherry on top of me just giving up with them. I feel like I’m just viewed as a vessel to bear children to gift to his family to distract them from the stresses of every day life.

Has anyone else dealt with overbearing family members on their partners side and successfully set boundaries for the future?

I'm suffering with this pregnancy and mental health this time round but I've also got more of a backbone now. It got a bit much last time with unannounced visits and over bearing family members.
I'm not stopping people from visiting when I have the baby. I've told people I want 1 day to get settled and then they can visit, everyone has been fine with this. Unannounced visits won't be happening however. I have a feeling they'll do it once and not try it again when the door doesn't get answered. Despite my relationship with my in laws being poor, I have no problem with them seeing my children. If they want to visit it does have to be when dp is here and not in work, or he can take the kids to see them.

My mil is by no means my best friend but even I think 6 weeks is a bit harsh. Can't you just let them visit once or twice in those 6 weeks? What about your family, do the same rules apply, are they around?

First baby is a big shock, but you already have DS now, so it's most likely you'll be up and about anyway for DC2. But totally use Covid to stop them visiting if you want, but your DS might want some company and attention ? Isn't UK indoor mixing 17th May as everyone can't be in your support bubble?

It's only on MN there's so much angst about people visiting. My second baby no family bothered, and this was Jan '20 so before Covid really, apart from 3 friends actually. I was grateful for the company.

I think you've done the right thing. You are the most important person in this equation and their response to your very measured message tells you everything you need to know re their priorities. Stick to your guns make sure your DH stands up for your wishes, and best of luck for the birth x

I’m in the same boat! Very traumatic birth was left in a bad way after and felt like a show and tell. Also for a while was in continent and in effectively nappies for a month was awful, and it made it very hard to bond with my baby as I was in so much pain at the time, I really really didn’t want many visitors and having to entertain them. Like that it was one thing my best friend popping over just to check in as I didn’t mind her seeing me the way I was and she knew the situation but Dhs huge family was so overwhelming and I really struggled with all the visits. I’m making sure to be clear to him this time that things are going to be different. I even remember in the hospital the nurse having to tell them to wait outside as she wanted to check my stitches they were not leaving 😂😂😂 stick to your boundaries, like me you have learned the hard way. I understand why you sent the text and if people chose to take offence hey ho! I think I’m just going to say no to visits as they are brought up and I reckon Covid is going to be still an issue anyway so it might not be as hard to do!!!

I think you need to tell your DP to grow a pair and ACTUALLY back you up. You felt like he was supportive - until he wasn’t. Your MIL & SIL are being selfish and manipulative. When do their feelings after a “hard day” matter more than the well-being of a baby? They’re pulling out waterworks to get their way like toddlers. I expect if your dp had manned up and sent the text in the first place, this wouldn’t happen.

Ask him why he’d rather upset you than his sister. Why does he think he or they know better than your medical team? Why did he agree with the message until his sister made it all about her? Who’s pregnant and waiting for a major operation, you or his relatives?

If he’s not going to willingly support you then you need to be prepared to piss him off too. If they’re being like this now you know they’ll be as inconsiderate once your baby is born. Put your foot down. Hopefully covid will keep them away but your priorities must be you, new baby, existing child. If you’re struggling you and your children will suffer.

Get your midwife or consultant to have a word with him?

@justilou1

I think you need to tell your DP to grow a pair and ACTUALLY back you up. You felt like he was supportive - until he wasn’t. Your MIL & SIL are being selfish and manipulative. When do their feelings after a “hard day” matter more than the well-being of a baby? They’re pulling out waterworks to get their way like toddlers. I expect if your dp had manned up and sent the text in the first place, this wouldn’t happen.

This 100%

You shouldn't have to justify yourself like you did in that text.
You shouldn't be the one dealing with your in laws lack of manners when it comes to visiting after birth.
Your husband should be the person talking to HIS family about the rules/preferences in your house this time.

It's very coward of him to have let you send that text exposing yourself and now looking like the bad guy. He should protect your well being and mental health at all cost!

Your partner is being extremely unreasonable to get annoyed with you for enforcing boundaries after his family’s behaviour contributed to your PND last time. He should be backing you up.
If your in laws continue to be pushy you need to be assertive. Forget about COVID, tell them straight that their constant presence interfered with your bonding and recovery last time. Don’t apologise or allow them to push your boundaries for their personal gratification. I truly understand how horrible it is to have pushy in laws. I feel like a walking uterus now I’ve had a baby. The first and only time MIL showed up uninvited at our house when DC was 2 weeks old and I was having a very hard time with breastfeeding. My OH quietly but firmly told his mother to leave.

I really feel for you. I found visitors overbearing and completely understand why you wanted to send that message.

You really should put your own needs above theirs. And just put your foot down. Your baby needs you to be healthy and happy good luck

Can't believe anyone would think this is unreasonable. Last time I checked grandparents don't have formal access rights as such. I'm due in July and have already set out clearly to family members that I'm having two weeks of no visitors and it's possible I'll need more after that depending on the birth and how things are going. I don't feel this is a COVID specific decision either. It's my decision and I'm not trying to palm it off as DH's so actually, I'm not sure why I should be getting DH to communicate it to his parents and family rather than doing it myself, to those who are making that suggestion. Though yes other halves not being supportive is another matter/ concern!

I also think it isn't necessarily bad to start with 6 weeks, as you do then have the potential to revise it down if you are able to.

Do you have a 'gatekeeper' or someone who can help you enforce these boundaries? e.g. after I had my first I remember the family visiting and my wonderful sister did something I will always be grateful for. After about an hour she rounded everyone up and said 'right we've met the baby and congratulated Mr and Mrs Toadlike, now let's give them some space'. I will never forget that, it was just perfect - nice to see everyone and show off the baby for a bit but not too long or intrusive.

If you don't feel comfortable enforcing it yourself, do you have someone in your life who could do something similar for you when the baby comes OP?

Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy OP

I think you need to find some middle ground here. By all means limit visiting but 6 weeks is unreasonable.

Did you send this to your family and your friends too?

Six weeks is fine if the alternative is potential PND for OP. She has been clear about her health needs. Everyone else needs to suck it up.

In my experience, nobody gives a shit about the second baby.

I don’t get the comments about it being cruel and unreasonable to have 6 weeks. It’s for mental health reasons and to make life for mother and child better. I just can’t ever imagine being told this and kicking up a fuss and crying over it etc. SIL sounds manipulative.

I don't think 6 weeks is unreasonable if that's what the op needs. It's their baby, they didn't have this baby for the grandparents.

I have a grade 4 anterior prolapse and will have surgery after I’ve delivered after about 6 months. To try to reduce any further damage I have been told to take it extremely easy, so I don’t imagine I’ll be going for walks out for a little while. I wanted to mention the 6 weeks in my message to set a bit of a goal post. I’ve never had a section before, I don’t really know how I’ll be in terms of physically or mentally. Obviously if things go well and I bond easily this time I may feel more comfortable to see visitors sooner but I don’t want to give an inch and they take a mile.

Don't worry about it. They'll get over it.
At least you are willing to let them in earlier if things go better than expected, I agree it's best not to tell them that until it happens though. Good luck

My elective cesarean was much better than I expected and I felt pretty well the day after surgery despite heavy blood loss. Fingers crossed you have a good experience too.

@Amki90

Hi all,

Expecting with my second and already am having drama with my partners family before the baby has even been born.

To give some background I suffered terribly with post natal depression after my son. I had a traumatic birth but the the main triggers were my inability to breastfeed and the overbearing incessant visits from my partners family. I’m a survivor of domestic abuse from a previous relationship so was monitored closely in my last pregnancy as apparently this can correlate with depression during pregnancy and post.

This time my pregnancy has been a much more positive affair, and I’ve actually enjoyed it at times. With not too long left my consultant and midwife suggested an action plan to minimise the triggers I felt previously. After lots of discussion and consideration I will be giving baby first feed but then trying my luck at exclusive pumping. I’m totally happy with that decision and am ready with formula if it doesn’t work.
Next up was the visits. Now I’m not exaggerating this was nothing short of hell. I napped once, ONCE, when my son was born and awoke to find 7 of my partners family in my lounge all passing my baby around. A baby I had established little bond with and was trying my hardest not to crumble. I’m not going to lie I wanted to scream at all of them but instead I sat their like a chump and let it happen whilst making everyone else tea. On other occasions his family would just turn up announced and stay for hours just getting in the way. His Nan even turned up whilst my midwives were checking my internal stitches for infection and chose to invite herself in and demand my son be brought to her in the spare room.

Well as I said this time I’m not having it. I’m a bit older and wiser and frankly I want a different experience this time. So as suggested by the consultant I constructed a text, she even said with COVID I have a good excuse if I’m especially worried.
I created what I thought was a well meaning and fair message.....

Hi all, thought it best to get in early if XXX early arrival was anything to go by. I really hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way because it’s not meant with any malice at all. As some of you may know I struggled quite badly with postnatal depression after DARLING SON. This time my midwife and consultant have advised I change approach and focus on the triggers I felt last time. So with that in mind, I wanted to ask that people wait to visit until asked after the baby is born. I was really overwhelmed after DARLING SON and with COVID too I’m quite anxious about it all. I’m scheduled for my section on the XX and been told to take it especially easy for those first 6 weeks. Please don’t think we’ve forgotten you but I would just love the 4 of us to bond and settle in for those weeks before opening the doors (but more likely windows) to visitors. I hope everyone understands and I’m so excited to share our new arrival in time xxx

Now, I also asked my partner if he was ok with this before I sent it and he agreed. In that moment I felt so supported by him and reassured, yes, this is a good thing. Well a few hours later his sister is in tears along with his mum and suddenly my partner is annoyed at me? She apparently felt the message was ‘unnecessary’ and really not what she wanted to receive after a long day. I was absolutely dumbfounded, how can anyone get annoyed at a message that essentially says “don’t turn up announced, I’d like us all to bind with our new baby”

His sister was previously the person I was closest to, but I feel this total lack of understanding and lack of respect is the cherry on top of me just giving up with them. I feel like I’m just viewed as a vessel to bear children to gift to his family to distract them from the stresses of every day life.

Has anyone else dealt with overbearing family members on their partners side and successfully set boundaries for the future?

I don't think there is anything wrong with your message to your in laws. Remember that your MH is the most important thing in this situation as well as healthy happy baby. You have to do what's best for you and your baby. Try not to let it stress you out too much, they will get over it eventually.

Not letting gran and Auntie see their new grandchild or niece/nephew for 6 weeks after birth is totally unreasonable. How can anyone say it’s not? I’m pregnant myself and would never do that to my partners family or my own for that matter. When my sister in law was pregnant I was so excited to be an auntie that if she had told me and my mum we had to wait six weeks it would have caused a massive fall out.
By all means take a few days to get sorted but 6 weeks it shocking.
OP still hasn’t made it clear if it’s just her in-laws suffering this fate or if her own family have been told to stay away(unless I’ve missed it)

It actually strikes me that you are holding your baby to ransom.

I totally understand this post ! My mum died in my arms while I was 32 weeks pregnant with my first born at 39 weeks I had a c section due to fears for my mental health , I had expressed my want to end my life and would act on it when baby was born I was in an extremely dark place and there were talks about putting me in a mother and child secure unit with all this going on and everyone in the family being well aware the vists just kept happening my mother in law would bring every Tom
Dick and Harry to my house even when I had a team of therapists in (daily) my husband was useless at this point it ended in me acting on my wishes of taken my own life and luckily I was found by the police and brought home safely at this point my mental health team stepped in and set boundaries for people in my family and even my husband .... this saved my life ! Never did I think I would be strong enough to fall pregnant again but here I am 24 weeks into my 2nd pregnancy and honestly the respect and support I have gotten this time is like day and night everyone has says when I’m ready to see them after the baby no matter how long they will wait ! My mother in law had bent over backwards to support my needs ! I guess what I’m trying to say is setting those boundaries is an amazing thing for you ! This is about you not anyone else’s and if you need to tell your husband my story and maybe he will understand one of my mental health team said to my husband “ either you can do it our way and understand why it has to be done, or continue to put your wife’s needs last to your family’s and your own but when your standing over her coffin with your baby son looking up at you know witch choice you made and try living with it” please do not allow these people to control this last bit of pregnancy you will be and are already a wonder mum ! And your showing how wonderful you are by keeping yourself safe that’s how much you want to be in your children’s life

Analysethat did you miss the part where OP is at risk of a life-threatening mental illness if her in-laws treat her the same as last time?

I'm afraid that I hate these sort of messages sent out and think they're incredibly divisive and offensive. And had I received that text with the tone it holds, I wouldn't be visiting at all. Not would I be maintaining a particularly strong link, including not being available when you then decide it is convenient or you have a need for my support or help! Now wonder the sil is pissed off and offended!

I don't think that you standing at a window to show the new baby is comparable to jumping like an animal in the zoo!

I also think that stating the 6 weeks is incredibly unreasonable and unfair. I disagree that they shouldn't be able to at least see the new baby as a newborn. Between 0 and 6 weeks they change so much!

By all means don't have them in from the get go, but at the door or window for a couple of minutes really isn't such a big ask.

How to alienate many in one fowl swoop!

@Guineapigsarepigs

Analysethat did you miss the part where OP is at risk of a life-threatening mental illness if her in-laws treat her the same as last time?

Absolute rubbish and drama.

There is no correlation between what the op has said and her losing her life of the baby was shown to relatives for a few moments before 6 weeks!

Don't feed into her entitledness.

Op@Amki90-when are your family seeing baby for the first time?

I wouldn’t say it’s entitledness, if I that’s even a word. I really was following the advice of my consultant, this time I’ve been much more forthcoming and open with them whereas when pregnant with my son I swept everything under the rug and put on a brave face, with both family and medical practitioners. I’ve realised that didn’t work and in the long term made me worse, I truest didn’t start enjoying my son until he was 6 months old, so I’m trying to ensure I bond with the baby and keep my family unit ticking over without too much disruption to my son. My mum is coming to help once my partner has returned to work as he only has 1 week paternity and works nights so won’t be helping too much in the days. The rest of my family have been told the same message and fully respect that I’ve asked for distance. There has been no fall out or upset on my side.
I will say mental health is a hard thing for others to grasp at times, it’s like a little black seed that’s once it’s been planted just keeps growing and growing. I would love to bond with my baby as quickly as some of the responders have but last time I just felt empty looking at this baby that had come from me. I didn’t want to hold him at all but equally I knew that was the only way we were going to get to know each other. I felt so jealous of everyone looking down at him smiling and cooing, I wanted to feel that happiness myself. Of course it might happen differently, no two experiences are ever the same but that’s why I wanted to have a bit of a plan just incase things don’t work out.