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Original poster

Boyfriend and I not living together - Advice please

59 replies

Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 11:15

I am 16 weeks pregnant! I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for nearly a year...we only see each other at the weekends as we live an hour away from each other and initially it was great fun and not too heavy. Now I’m pregnant and the heavy talks come along.
Obviously it’s been a shock getting pregnant, he is also 5 years younger than me, I’m 32 and he is 27, he lives at home still. I own my own house, have a good career, surrounded my supportive family and friends.
Living together is a sticky subject for us both for several reasons, the distance, jobs, family and friends, he also smokes weed daily that I don’t agree with, he also doesn’t drive. Sounds like I’m painting a bad picture, he is lovely, respectful, caring, we get on really well.
I’m just struggling to think about what happens in the future or see how it’s going to work?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation

OP posts:
user1654236589623652 · 17/02/2021 11:19

What do you mean? You'll be raising the child in your own. Have you sat down and discussed how it will work? His financial obligations to the child?

It's easy to get on well when you only share the easy, fun times together. You don't sound very compatible beyond that.

What advice do you want?

trevthecat · 17/02/2021 11:22

You need to discuss the nitty gritty! Finances, visiting, who's name will the baby have? Can you see a long term relationship with him?

Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 11:30

When the baby is born we won’t be living together, we aren’t even sure if and when that will happen? I’m not in a position to move and sell my house and job, family and friends.
He doesn’t drive but is hopefully going to be by august? So then will come and see the baby in the week and at weekends. We have discussed financially yet at all. Conversations are difficult around commitment and the smoking thing.
I’m planning as if I’m going to be a single parent

OP posts:
Chelyanne · 17/02/2021 11:31

I didn't live with my oh when I fell pregnant despite us getting engaged a few months beforehand. He is military so lives on board ships most of the time. We got a rental property but I only moved in 6wk before my due date, he joined me when he got back from deployment 4 weeks later. Not the easiest moving in together and being new parents all at the same time, we still have a lot of time apart though as he's still got 5 years of service left before he retires. So we're that "we live together but we don't" couple so I can see from both sides.
Live together or not you can make it work.
Can be easier having them there but you can cope if not.

Analysethat · 17/02/2021 11:32

Why are you planning life a single parent? If you own your own house why can’t he move in with you?

Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 11:38

He could come and live with me that is an option but he isn’t sure when he will be ready to do that. I’m not keen on him smoking weed daily and don’t want that to be part of my child’s life. I’m trying to think positively and just see how it works out .

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2021 11:41

I'm sorry, op, but you are going to be a single parent. I don't see much hope for this relationship.

Chelyanne · 17/02/2021 11:45

Have a trial "move in". If he can get paternity leave then you should give it a go with that time.

I agree with you that the weed has to go!!
Not just on a daily basis either, unless he has a medical need for it there is no reason he can't get rid completely.

Lsquiggles · 17/02/2021 11:47

He won't come and live with you because he doesn't want to stop smoking weed everyday? Sounds like a catch

Smallgriff · 17/02/2021 11:52

Honestly, sounds like he is still living his teenage years without many cares in the world. I would plan to be a single parent, and hope that maybe the baby will make him grow up and take responsibility. Best of luck x

Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 11:53

Thanks ladies 😀
To come and live with me he would have to get a new job, leave his friends and family. I’m not entirely sure I want that yet either. The weed comes up often and he knows my stance on it, I don’t want to try and change or mould someone into something they are not. I’m thinking and trying to give it a go and think see how it works out? When the baby’s here will be be different maybe? Surely? I think by that point if he doesn’t then I won’t want to be with him, that’s not the kind of man I want!

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 11:57

Yes totally I think he is living like a teenager still. The realisation will hit when the baby is born maybe. Not having him here and doing it on my own I think I will become to not want him and resent him. Whilst he continues his lifestyle.
I’m really excited for my baby and I know no matter what I will be a great mum

OP posts:
JaneNorman · 17/02/2021 11:58

He could come and live with me that is an option but he isn’t sure when he will be ready to do that

He’s about to be a Dad. It’s either time to step up, take responsibility and grow up, or to fuck off and let you crack on as a single parent. I don’t think the best option is for him to continue dicking around for a few years, leaving you to do all the hard work until he’s decided he’s ready to grow up/commit.

Have a conversation about how he’s going to support you and the baby financially ASAP.

Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 12:01

@JaneNorman I like you!!!

OP posts:
MartiniDry · 17/02/2021 12:03

How do you feel about being the only parent to work around childcare, the only one who'll be up in the night if your child is I'll, the parent who has to decline offers of a night out while Smoky Joe is getting stoned back at Mummy's house?

I presume you won't be letting your child be transported in the car of a newly qualified driver with a daily weed habit. Are you okay with him driving under the influence if he passes his test?

Do yourself and your baby a favour, ditch the manchild and fgs don't put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname.

user1654236589623652 · 17/02/2021 12:08

Goodness me, I should hope there isn't any question that this baby will of course have the mother's name. Anything else would be monumentally foolish.

Weirdnessabounds · 17/02/2021 12:09

Someone you have known for less than a year, totally during COVID times, only seeing each other at weekends?
He was maybe okay as a bf wouldn’t suit everyone with the weed use and just being at different stages in your lives.
Not sure he is ready to coparent, though he will have to pay child support if you are not living together. Be prepared to go it alone.

Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 12:12

I was really nervous about writing this as when we have discussions I feel like I am trying to change him or turn him into something I want and I feel like I’m being controlling.

Really appreciate the comments

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 17/02/2021 12:16

Take it from someone who had a baby with someone who smiked weed. He was sneaky about it, lied.. i was so cross as he was sleeping in the same room as baby ( hiding what he was ip to)knowing the increased risk of sids.

He doesn't move in till he can grow up. ..

Tell him he needs to pay at least cms ..

Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 12:17

@MartiniDry - before I got pregnant I already made a point of him or anyone driving under the influence. No I will not tolerate it at all.

The birth certificate and name thing will be a tough conversation but that’s what I have been thinking. My sister thinks I’m in the wrong for not giving his surname

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/02/2021 12:21

He's acting like a teenager, isn't he?

Please don't ask him to live with you - it'll be hell to get him out. He's living a teen lifestyle now and shows no sign of wanting to change that. If you force it you'll have a huge battle on your hands to make him grow up.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2021 12:23

The birth certificate and name thing will be a tough conversation but that’s what I have been thinking. My sister thinks I’m in the wrong for not giving his surname

Your sister's opinion is daft and irrelevant, and why you would bother having a conversation with him about the birth certificate is beyond me. Not his choice in any way, shape or form. The chances of this manchild being an active part of your baby's life are next to zero.

giletrouge · 17/02/2021 12:24

Whoa - your sister is an idiot. You don't put him on the bc unless he's a fully paid-up responsible gonna-be-a-dad and step-up guy.
Can you stand up to your sister? Is she older than you? Where do your parents fit into all this?

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 17/02/2021 12:32

No logic to giving the baby his surname, with a fragile relationship at best! If things work out long term you could always change it later if you wished. My dd1 was unplanned, her father quite irresponsible generally and then 'absent' - no great loss! Definitely wouldn't have considered her having his surname.
I'm married now and took my husbands surname, dd1 is an adult now (18 when we married) so kept her surname the same, never been an issue.

countbackfromten · 17/02/2021 12:32

Give the baby your surname, your sister is utterly ridiculous to be suggesting otherwise!

Totally agree with the other posters about him needing to take responsibility and step up. If he is willing to put smoking weed over the happiness and health of his child than that says a lot about him....

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