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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend and I not living together - Advice please

59 replies

Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 11:15

I am 16 weeks pregnant! I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for nearly a year...we only see each other at the weekends as we live an hour away from each other and initially it was great fun and not too heavy. Now I’m pregnant and the heavy talks come along.
Obviously it’s been a shock getting pregnant, he is also 5 years younger than me, I’m 32 and he is 27, he lives at home still. I own my own house, have a good career, surrounded my supportive family and friends.
Living together is a sticky subject for us both for several reasons, the distance, jobs, family and friends, he also smokes weed daily that I don’t agree with, he also doesn’t drive. Sounds like I’m painting a bad picture, he is lovely, respectful, caring, we get on really well.
I’m just struggling to think about what happens in the future or see how it’s going to work?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 12:38

He keeps saying he loves me and wants to be with me and hopes that as time goes on he has passed his test and comes to see me more and the baby that he will want to live together etc but no idea when that will be?
I don’t think I will put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname despite other’s opinions.

I’m so close to ending it with him, but I do love him and enjoy the time we get together. Obviously being pregnant gives a total different perspective on everything

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 17/02/2021 12:39

Baby gets your surname!
100%.

Ohalrightthen · 17/02/2021 12:42

Let's ignore for a moment that he doesnt want to live with you yet.

He doesn't want to live with his child.

He needs to fuck off. Give the baby your name, and file for CMS as soon as you can.

Viviennemary · 17/02/2021 12:43

I think under the circumstances it would be better if your child had minimum contact. I wouldn't try and forbid contact but it doesn't look good. With the weed smoking and unsure if he's ready.

Moominmiss · 17/02/2021 12:45

@Ohalrightthen

Let's ignore for a moment that he doesnt want to live with you yet.

He doesn't want to live with his child.

He needs to fuck off. Give the baby your name, and file for CMS as soon as you can.

This!!!

The fact he’s happy to not live with, and miss potentially the first months/years with his new baby tells a thousand stories and says a hell of a lot about him as a person.

Tlollj · 17/02/2021 12:49

He hopes that as time goes on he will want to spend more time with you and the baby? Wtf. Tell him to do one. Your surname and do not put him on the birth certificate.
Don’t even start me on smoking weed every day.

dandelionbayts · 17/02/2021 12:49

I certainly wouldn't be staying with him if he's not sure he's ready for the commitment. When you have a child on the way you need to put your fears aside and step up, that's just what you do. What incentive does he have to stop smoking and step up if you're prepared to stay with him?

HardcoreParkour · 17/02/2021 12:50

I can't believe the 'don't put him in the birth certificate', 'don't allow/minimise contact' comments.

In terms of the surname, give baby yours. There is no need to use his.

I agree that he doesn't sound like he's responsible or ready to be a parent. However, you've chosen to have a child with him. He is the baby's father and therefore, his name should be on the birth certificate. Not for his sake but for the child's. He will also have rights when it comes to contact and if you try to put barriers in his way then your child will probably grow to resent you for that (rightly or wrongly).

dandelionbayts · 17/02/2021 12:50

I would put him on the BC though.

Itsjustaride8w737 · 17/02/2021 13:13

You sound very naive for someone in their 30s...

He's a loser who smokes cannibis, doesn't drive and basically doesn't want to commit to you.

Don't give the baby his surname!

Original poster
Foreverhope · 17/02/2021 13:33

Yes maybe I am naive. I’ve been thinking and trying to make it work between us. When the baby’s here it might be different. Make excuses for him like well it’s all a lot of change for him too bla bla. A lot of people’s opinion is that he should want to step up, but maybe that’s not who he is?
Maybe I should just walk away and concentrate on being a single mum without the stress of trying to make the relationship work when he can’t commit?

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 17/02/2021 13:49

He's half responsible for the fact that you're pregnant. He either grows up, steps up and becomes a responsible adult dad or he leaves you to do it solo. He can't have a half way house of rocking up when it suits under the guise of "I'm not ready but give me time and I might change my mind". He's 27 for crying out loud!!!
I'm not saying you have to live together to parent together but he needs to show a little more commitment to this child you've both created!!

And until then, no birth certificate and no surname!!

And don't let him make all the decisions ie, you put up and shut up until he decides and you just take his decision. Work out what you'd like to happen, make that clear to him and go from there with your conversations.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2021 13:59

When the baby’s here it might be different.

No, it won't. If he were really devoted to you and your baby, he would already be with you, or at the minimum working hard to get there. What you see is what you get.

MimiDaisy11 · 17/02/2021 14:24

There are quite a few red flags.

Giving up smoking is hard but I couldn't imagine not seeing my child and living with them for it. I take it from your replies that he's not really concerned about his smoking or bothered about giving it up. It's weird to me that he can smoke weed and live with his parents - but I guess they must be quite laid back. You couldn't do a compromise where he smokes outside? Although I suppose if it's weed then it's more difficult.

I think if anything when the baby comes your relationship could likely get worse. I know if I was staying up night and taking full time care of the baby I'd get annoyed at the father just showing up when he felt like it.

You're wise to just use your name etc and to plan to have this baby alone. He sounds immature and doesn't sound committed. 27 isn't that young.

Congrats on the pregnancy and best of luck with everything.

MartiniDry · 17/02/2021 14:47

@HardcoreParkour

I can't believe the 'don't put him in the birth certificate', 'don't allow/minimise contact' comments.

In terms of the surname, give baby yours. There is no need to use his.

I agree that he doesn't sound like he's responsible or ready to be a parent. However, you've chosen to have a child with him. He is the baby's father and therefore, his name should be on the birth certificate. Not for his sake but for the child's. He will also have rights when it comes to contact and if you try to put barriers in his way then your child will probably grow to resent you for that (rightly or wrongly).

What, put him on the birth certificate so that he can if he wishes use the child to control the OPs movements, lifestyle, and choices? What a bloody silly, & frankly potentially harmful suggestion, Hardcore!

Okay, he might not act in that way but looking at his level of concern, responsibility, and interest in the baby, why take the risk?

MartiniDry · 17/02/2021 14:57

Foreverhope, apologies if you're already aware. Putting your BF on the birth certificate gives him joint parental responsibility. If he has PR, takes the baby out for the day, and refuses to return him/her to you there will be nothing you can do about it. If you want to move to the other side of the country he can take legal action to prevent you from doing so.

If he's on the birth certificate and you give the baby his surname you can only change that name if he is in agreement and gives you permission to do it. He might seem fine now, but I've yet to meet a man who following a break up allowed his ex to change their baby's name to her own.

Even if he's not on the certificate I understand that different names can sometimes cause difficulties at airports, docks etc.

Taytay90 · 17/02/2021 16:03

I agree with @JaneNorman completely!
I think your best option is to have one big conversation with him wether you both like it or not because you’re about to have a baby you need to know where you stand, if he’s not willing to give things up for the sake of his child then he’s not the one or will be a good father at that (that’s assuming he won’t give up the lifestyle he has now things may totally change when baby comes you never know!)
Once you have a conversation about everything and he still stands in the same place I would honestly move on and be the best mum you can be!
You decide what to do with baby’s last name! That’s your choice, I really don’t agree with calling her sister an idiot though? 🤔 that is just out of line to start calling peoples family members you don’t even know names.
Just like you have your opinion, she has hers but it’s your choice at the end of the day OP, best of luck here if you need a chat! 😄

HardcoreParkour · 17/02/2021 17:30

@MartiniDry

HardcoreParkour
I can't believe the 'don't put him in the birth certificate', 'don't allow/minimise contact' comments.

In terms of the surname, give baby yours. There is no need to use his.

I agree that he doesn't sound like he's responsible or ready to be a parent. However, you've chosen to have a child with him. He is the baby's father and therefore, his name should be on the birth certificate. Not for his sake but for the child's. He will also have rights when it comes to contact and if you try to put barriers in his way then your child will probably grow to resent you for that (rightly or wrongly).

What, put him on the birth certificate so that he can if he wishes use the child to control the OPs movements, lifestyle, and choices?
What a bloody silly, & frankly potentially harmful suggestion, Hardcore!

Okay, he might not act in that way but looking at his level of concern, responsibility, and interest in the baby, why take the risk?

I couldn't agree less. You're concerned about the father potentially controlling the mother's lifestyle and choices but seemingly have no issue with the mother controlling what rights the father has regarding HIS child by not legally naming him on the birth certificate? Lacking a bit of a moral compass there!

Kiyentai · 17/02/2021 17:44

@JaneNorman

He could come and live with me that is an option but he isn’t sure when he will be ready to do that

He’s about to be a Dad. It’s either time to step up, take responsibility and grow up, or to fuck off and let you crack on as a single parent. I don’t think the best option is for him to continue dicking around for a few years, leaving you to do all the hard work until he’s decided he’s ready to grow up/commit.

Have a conversation about how he’s going to support you and the baby financially ASAP.

This.

One of my best friends had a husband that smoked weed for years. Chances are if he's smoking weed on a daily basis, he is probably doing other things too. He's 27.. if he hasn't gotten his life together by now I would consider this a huge red flag. Moving away from his friends and family? He's an adult, it happens. There are plenty of ways to communicate with family these days. New job? Maybe he needs to get a different job to help you with the finances of having a child. There are plenty of jobs out there. Smoking weed is a habit that can be broken, and believe me, its not about "changing" him, its him adapting to the situation. Yes it was fun being in a relationship, yes he is sweet, nice and kind and treats you right, but he does that because it is the ONLY thing he can do and I promise you, eventually you will tire of having to be the bread winner all of the time because sometimes even YOU will need a break. Honestly it sounds like he needs to step up or ship out.

QueenOfPain · 17/02/2021 17:46

This sounds like it should have been a short lived but fun, friends with benefits situation.

OP, he’s not ready to grow up.

Does he speak positively about your pregnancy and being a father?

Laeta · 17/02/2021 18:00

Sounds like if he moves in with you, you'll end up with 2 children.

You've got your head switched on though, so whatever you decide I know you and baby will do just fine!

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2021 20:40

I couldn't agree less. You're concerned about the father potentially controlling the mother's lifestyle and choices but seemingly have no issue with the mother controlling what rights the father has regarding HIS child by not legally naming him on the birth certificate? Lacking a bit of a moral compass there!

There is a difference between a mother who is taking all the responsibilities on, and a father who smokes dope and lives with his mum not his child.

He doesn't have rights. The baby has rights, the parents have responsibilities. I wouldn't restrict access but I sure as shit wouldn't have this waster deciding if I could go for two weeks in Benidorm with my 12 year old. He can ask for PR if he's so inclined but I wouldn't hand it to him when he seems disinclined to do the bare minimum.

physicskate · 17/02/2021 21:36

Op - you deserve better. You deserve to be loved unreservedly, wildly and unconditionally. You don't have this with this waste of space.

Sure you have fun sometimes, but life and love is also about the hard things too. This doesn't sound like love.

Original poster
Foreverhope · 18/02/2021 08:59

It’s interesting hearing other people’s opinions. I know should be concerned with the lack of commitment, that isn’t the kind of man I want. I want a partnership and to feel supported. Another chat is clearly on the cards,regardless if he feels ready or not it’s happening! I just don’t like to put him under pressure or guilt trip him or even upset him but that’s just the person I am. When I really think about it, it’s all on his terms at the moment. I need to make this about the baby and me, I am happy to walk away I deserve better.

OP posts:
Skymum82 · 18/02/2021 09:23

Literally I just keep thinking about knocked up and imagining your dating Seth rogan 😂.
I think if he can’t give up the weed for the baby it’s not a great sign. But you never know when a baby is actually there he may realise what’s important. I think he needs to show the commitment by moving closer to you etc, not you.
Good luck