Maternity Pay & Partner

[Newmumtobeee]

I’m just wondering if you could help me out on what I should be expecting from my partner. I’ll be going onto stat maternity pay which will be £607 a month... that’s £800 LESS than my current wage. My partner earns a lot more than me and currently he pays our mortgage (agreement as he brought no deposit for our house & I used my savings to pay) and we split bills 50/50.

I’ve tried to bring up to him that after my personal expenditures I.e car/phone/petrol comes out of my account and me still paying 50% bills, I’ll have barely £300 left. He doesn’t seem to understand the issue. He thinks I should continue paying 50% with him.

We are engaged, not yet married and have a joint account that we put bill/food money into but our wages and other savings are separate.

Am I being unreasonable? I don’t think he understands how expensive a baby is as well to look after and pay for. He hasn’t bought anything for the baby yet, I’ve bought it all (my own fault as he has no clue what to buy) but I know I’ll be using the left over £300 to pay for the baby. I just feel it’s unfair for him to continue living his life like usual with his finances whilst I take the huge pay cut and am expected to provide the same money when I’m on £800 less.

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Of course this is being unfair

Either put everything in a pot and take out the same amount of spending money or put in an equal percentage of your earnings

He is really benefiting from you giving up your job temporarily to have his offspring

I think the answer is different for everyone. And what is acceptable to me, for example, may not be acceptable to you or the next poster.

I still contributed 50/50 (I lost ~1400 a month on SMP) but if things were a bit tight for me we adjusted for that month. And if I asked him to buy for baby he did/does. But I have to ask him. He either doesn’t realise or doesn’t want to get it wrong. We have a very equal relationship and I didn’t want that to change.

You spend a lot less than you think on mat leave too, even on the actual baby. If you split the big expenditures before baby is born (pram, cot(s), nursery, car seats) then the rest isn’t that expensive once they arrive. I think I went a bit overboard on toys with DS but they were more to keep me sane during lockdown than him I think!

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Pre babies DH and I used to pay bills/mortgage 50/50 but that is not possible going on maternity and then returning to work part time. Add in childcare costs as well. We now have certain things he pays for (mortgage/bills/loan) and things I pay for (food/car/anything for kiddos), as he earns almost double what I do. Big purchases and holidays we discuss and agree on an amount each.

I’m pregnant with my second and have bought most of the baby stuff (again as DH is clueless) bit as the travel system was a bigger expense we paid some each.

You will find your own way of splitting costs but he absolutely needs to sit down and discuss it properly with you

Xx

he has no clue what to buy
Christ op. Is he a bit thick? How can he not work out what to buy for a baby? How did you know what a baby needs? What next? You dont get any sleep as poor lamb doesnt know how to settle the baby?

Raise you expectations.

You cannot possibly still pay in the same. Nor is it remotely fair to be expected to do so. And why would a loving partner expect you to struggle so much while his financial situation doesn't change at all?

You sit down with all the incomings and outgoings. You look at what needs to be paid out, where the money comes from for the baby’s things, and then what is left over after all that, you split.

Then you discuss what happens when you go back to work. Full time please god. What nursery, pick up, drop offs, how you will both cover nursery fees.

If difficult because as pp said upthrwad what works for one, doesn't work for another. Also, you won't spend as much as you think on mat leave.

Dh and I have 2 joint accounts, bill account which wages are also paid into and the savings account, we then have a credit card each that we use for our disposable money, these are paid off on pay day from the bill account.

I'm not sure why your partner hadn't put any money towards dc? They are equally his responsibility. Dh and I discussed all purchases and used the savings, he generally let me gave the final say on things and we got lucky and our parents bought the cot and travel system.

I think you need to sit down and have a frank discussion about household expenditure and disposable income because at the moment it sounds a bit uneven.

What would happen if you said, we need £200 for such and such for the baby? Or ask him for a contribution towards something?

Is he clueless or tight?

I have a 1 year old and a second due shortly.
I have non of this ‘separate finances’ it very rarely works when you have babies or small children and women always seem to get totally screwed over.

Their bodies change
They have all the birth trauma
They shoulder 75%+ of all the baby care/responsibilities
They take a huge break from work and are often viewed differently for it
They lose out on earnings
They often end up returning less than full time for ‘childcare’ issues.

Meanwhile Mr Dads situation pretty much doesn’t change at all. He changes a few nappies on his days off, sleeps most of the night, rocks up to work like normal...and everyone hails him super dad!

Joint account, both wages into it, communal money, or non of the priveledges of you picking up the lions share of s*

Normally we split everything 50:50 and pay into a joint account that covers all our living costs and baby costs, we have our own separate account for savings, clothing and personal treats/activities etc. We earn roughly the same amount so this works for us.
Now I'm on maternity leave I am reducing the amount I put in according to my maternity pay. I have some time at 75%, 50% and now about 25% pay so I have been paying that amount of my salary into the joint account. We have accrued some savings into this account so my partner has increased his contributions a little bit but hadn't had to compensate completely for my drop in earnings.
When I go back to work the nursery fees will be coming out of the joint account with 50:50 contributions.
We aren't married but we are hoping to get a civil partnership now that is an option once covid has settled down a bit.
You really need to sit down with your partner to discuss this and come up with a fair plan. Please be wary about reducing hours or shouldering a disproportionate amount of the baby costs.

Personally, me and DH have one joint bank account where we put all of our money into. This works best for us as we earn a disproportionate wage each. I would never have been able to live on maternity leave wage. Is this something you could discuss? I think it's unfair to leave you struggling when you have a baby. Everyone is different, but we decided once we married and had children that everything would be shared. There's no 'my money'. As I said this doesn't work for everyone, but it is an option if he is willing to discuss.

Baby stuff should be bought from the joint account, not from your wages. It's his baby as well as yours.

Presumably you both played a part in making the baby so the loss to your earnings from maternity leave is a JOINT expense. Why would one parent be more financially affected while raising a child?

While you are working you should you can keep things 50/50 if that works right now but you need to setup a baby fund so you both contribute to that and the baby purchases come from it.

On maternity leave either make bills proportional or agree an amount you both keep for spending and the rest goes into the joint pot.

Having £300 left over isn’t that bad op. I’ll also be on just SMP but I’ll still be putting the same amount in the joint account as is usually would. I’ve saved in order to top up my wage so I have enough to still cover household bills. Anything the baby needs would come out of the joint account. I’ll be putting almost everything into our account and have hardly anything left over for myself and plan to use some other savings if needed. It’s going to be a struggle but manageable.

Those of you who saved money so you could top up your mat pay..... did your partner also think to save?

Having a baby is a joint decision that should be paid for equally.

You need to start putting a stop to this and make clear that financially he needs to step up. Before you know it you have no spare money and he thinks he’s doing you a “favour” by going 50/50 but your earning power is massively reduced.

Hmm it’s convenient he doesn’t know what to buy. I’m guessing you didn’t know exactly what to buy but you researched it? He could do the same

I can’t believe how many women are excusing their partners from doing their fair share as “they’re clueless / wouldn’t know what to buy etc”

I bet at work they’re not that clueless, just at home

Why don't you just have one main joint account? You're having a baby together, you're a family unit now, so it makes more sense to just pool your money (but also perhaps each just put aside a little each month for individual long term savings - DH and I jokingly refer to these as our "escape funds")

Honestly this will be different for everyone but you do need to discuss it again I think. One thing that wouldn't be negotiable for me is that anything for the baby has to be, as a minimum, shared. It's our baby not my baby. Obviously that does mean that I have to consult DH on what I buy as he's paying for half of it, and he has the right to veto some of my choices and buy some things himself! We have a joint credit card for baby stuff which works well for us - everything for baby goes on there. Clothes, nappies, pram. And then we pay it off jointly.

Having said that I was lucky enough to be able to save during PG so have enough in the bank to top up my SMP and carry on paying half of everything - but I need to as I earn more than DH. If DH earned a lot more than me we might've worked things out differently. Money is always going to be personal to you.

Why would any man think that the woman they are in a relationship with should carry a baby for him, give birth to it, take time off work to care for it, call it his baby and present to the world like a family while also spending savings /going without so he doesn’t have to pay anything towards the baby or family living costs??? Honestly it’s he can just fuck off and die then territory to me. I’d rather move in with my mum and dad and pay nothing to the house except what’s needed to sell it because thats not a relationship.

And obviously I knew what to buy as having two X chromosomes means I was just born knowing that 30 years later when having my own children I would want a baby bouncer, a baby carrier, 8 muslin cloths, 6 shortsleeved vests, etc etc and I prefer to use water wipes. Or, I researched it. You’ll have to guess which.

We have a shared joint account and the amount each pays in is based on our earnings so we have the same amount of disposable income. All household purchases are split 50/50. Your OH needs to get a grip, he sounds selfish

You quite obviously can’t continue 50-50. We have a joint account. I’m on maternity and it’s our money. We’re a family. Don’t get all this separate stuff.

@ShirleyPhallus

I can’t believe how many women are excusing their partners from doing their fair share as “they’re clueless / wouldn’t know what to buy etc”

I bet at work they’re not that clueless, just at home

Yep! Another one of these. 'I tried to bring it up and he just didn't understand.' He understands perfectly well! He's quite made up, isn't he, has the kid with his surname, her indoors doing all the donkey work and fronting half the bills and buying all the stuff for his baby.

Wow. Just wow.

You never should have been paying 50/50 to begin with but proportionally to your income. I really hope you protected the money you put into that house and not been a fool.

Stop this right now. 'No, you understand perfectly well. The 50/50 no longer applies. We're not 2 we are 3. Things have changed.'

He doesn't agree to pull his weight, then don't stand for it or him.

Baby gets your surname. You're not married. Engagement means nothing.

Don't reduce your hours or go part time to enable this man.

He's taking advantage of you. And he knows it.

Unbelievable how many women find men like this attractive enough to procreate with them and then further enable them.

Tell him he needs to contribute to HIS child, remind him you are a family and so all money needs to be shared whilst you are on maternity leave!

Tbh this is something though that should've been discussed before ttc!

I genuinely don't even know how this comes about whereby fathers just opt out of providing for their unborn children! Surely you say "we need things for the baby-let's set a budget and go shopping!"

Not mother just buys everything whilst useless shite of a father thinks how lucky he is that the magic stork is bringing all the things a baby needs!!!

Also, I have savings as I’ve saved from a young age which could top up my wage but I already used a huge chunk for the house deposit. He’s only now started saving but due to this, has become more tight and I think this is why I’m stuck in this predicament with him.

In terms of him being clueless on what to buy the baby, I do agree with all of you, he should research it like I did or ask around. He will pay half if I ask, but I have to ask, otherwise he assumes I bought something for the baby as a nice gesture rather than the fact our baby will NEED it.