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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Maternity Pay & Partner

72 replies

Newmumtobeee · 16/02/2021 09:24

I’m just wondering if you could help me out on what I should be expecting from my partner. I’ll be going onto stat maternity pay which will be £607 a month... that’s £800 LESS than my current wage. My partner earns a lot more than me and currently he pays our mortgage (agreement as he brought no deposit for our house & I used my savings to pay) and we split bills 50/50.

I’ve tried to bring up to him that after my personal expenditures I.e car/phone/petrol comes out of my account and me still paying 50% bills, I’ll have barely £300 left. He doesn’t seem to understand the issue. He thinks I should continue paying 50% with him.

We are engaged, not yet married and have a joint account that we put bill/food money into but our wages and other savings are separate.

Am I being unreasonable? I don’t think he understands how expensive a baby is as well to look after and pay for. He hasn’t bought anything for the baby yet, I’ve bought it all (my own fault as he has no clue what to buy) but I know I’ll be using the left over £300 to pay for the baby. I just feel it’s unfair for him to continue living his life like usual with his finances whilst I take the huge pay cut and am expected to provide the same money when I’m on £800 less.

OP posts:

Chica1990 · 16/02/2021 11:39

Can you pool all the house expenses together and then work out what % to pay based on your take homes while you are on maternity leave?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/02/2021 11:50

During the conversation discuss if you plan to go back to work and what will happen then- your wage is not to pay for the entire childcare!

yarrow89 · 16/02/2021 12:06

I would start by making a list together of all the bills/expenditure/loans/social/car/etc, anything that either of you pay each month that needs to continue. There's some guides here or you can just write a list on excel: www.stepchange.org/debt-info/income-and-expenditure-financial-statement.aspx
Check that your joint income can cover all of it first (you might be surprised how it adds up), otherwise you may need to cut some expenditure. Then work out, based on your individual incomes, how to split it and you can each pay that amount into the joint account.

You're living together and raising a family together, you need to be a team. In my opinion, him wanting to keep at 50% when the difference in income is so vast is a slap in the face. I'm going to just assume he's young and needs a wake up call.

Good luck!

MissCantDecide · 16/02/2021 12:06

I can't believe the number of women putting up with this. Saving during pregnancy to be able to continue paying 50/50... as if the baby was only your decision and making?! It takes two, you know.

In that quest for "equality" it seems you forget about "equity".

It also blows my mind that many (supposedly attractive?) men can't see this...

TwirpingBird · 16/02/2021 12:10

You really need to sit and work out a fair plan, because you may find now that you are going to be financially disadvantaged for a while. Depending on your income, you may find full time childcare not as financially viable. I take more home from part time than full time work, and I am a teacher. If you have a second one, you may not have enough income to cover childcare (it's about £1300 per child a month full time where I live). You are both having this kid. It's not just your financial burden to bear. He needs to support you, and you need to be a team, not 2 separate people who happen to have created a human.

Viviennemary · 16/02/2021 12:45

You don't say how big the mortgage is and who pays other bills. You have £300 left which is a fair bit if that's just for you to spend as you like. How much does youf DH have left after he's paid the bills. Is he saving this money.

MsMarch · 16/02/2021 12:51

Your original split doesn't seem too bad as you weren't paying the mortgage. But please, for the love of all that is holy, do not use your savings to top up your finances during mat leave. Please.

Nothing infuriates me more than the financial burden for children being borne by the woman. And I honestly think that a man who wants to have a baby with a woman but doesn't want to hep manage the finances is not a man that you should be having a child with. Your combined income is going to drop so yes, you may well both need to tighten your belts. But under no circumstances should belt tightening be a one way thing.

Original poster

Newmumtobeee · 16/02/2021 13:01

@Viviennemary mortgage is £560 a month and then we split all other bills 50/50. He offered to pay the mortgage due to not putting any deposit towards the house. My partner has around £800/£900 left after everything

OP posts:

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 16/02/2021 13:04

I don’t get it, if you are having a baby together and you are planning on getting married surely you just merge everything and you just spend from one account? I just couldn’t imagine thinking I have bought xyz for our baby and my husband hasn’t bought anything, I might pick the things but it just comes out the same account everything goes into. Mat leave we live on what we jointly have coming in, there’s no mine and yours. I find a setup like this odd beyond the bf/gf stage. Once we got engaged and bought a house together we just considered money our money, it doesn’t matter who earns it.

Walesrecommendations · 16/02/2021 13:08

Haven't RTFT but my partner deducts my maternity pay from his salary then splits what he has left 50/50 with me, and we both pay half mortgage and bills out of that, then do as we like with the rest. I think your partner is out of order.

Viviennemary · 16/02/2021 14:05

Thanks for explaining. Yes it is unfair if he has so much more than you left over. Unless he is meeting bigger bills like house/car repairs and is putting money aside for that. But if it's his spending money then it's not on.

ShirleyPhallus · 16/02/2021 14:12

@TooManyDinosaurs1

See I really disagree with this set up. I’d hate to feel like there were eyes on my spending or I might see what my husband is buying and think it frivolous. It also massively takes away any element of surprise with gifts to one another too.

We have a house account where all the bills come out from and we pay a proportion of our salary in to that. That way, our own money is still our own money to fritter away however we want but we have split the house bills in a fair and equal way

gmailconfusion2 · 16/02/2021 14:35

We do 50/50 normally, i've managed it so far on mat leave, but anything baby related comes from the joint account.

RWK29 · 16/02/2021 14:45

I can't believe the number of women putting up with this. Saving during pregnancy to be able to continue paying 50/50... as if the baby was only your decision and making?! It takes two, you know.

This 🙌🏻🙌🏻

DP and I worked out a rough cost of all big purchases (pram etc) and both saved during pregnancy towards a goal amount so we could go and buy it all at once. Bills were always calculated proportionately to earnings for us.
I’m now on SMP while he is on a good salary. We each pay a set amount into a joint account for “living” - this pays food shopping, nappies, baby clothes etc...anything we need for family life basically. We pay in far more than we use so the rest will build up in joint savings. While I’m on maternity leave DP has taken over all household bills. We’re both left with enough to live on and fund our own lifestyles. If he had his way he’d be giving me a set amount each month too to top up my personal fund but I don’t feel that’s necessary so he also frequently sticks extra in the joint pot and is constantly reminding me that I’ve to use the joint account for anything I need/want for myself.

DP knows that I’m down about 2/3 of my income while he hasn’t been impacted financially and would never expect me continue contributing as if I was earning the same amount 😳 and he’d be horrified if I was using my savings to pay for our baby 😳

MixedUpFiles · 16/02/2021 15:07

If you don’t pool money and you are are down 800 a month, he needs to pay you 400 a month.

All child expenses need to be tracked and split 50:50 including small expenses during your day. You can bill him weekly or monthly.

c24680 · 16/02/2021 15:17

If he doesn't want to help you out financially maybe you should suggest shared leave and explain to him that you will expect him to still pay the same amount despite being in SMP, he might change his mind then.

It's really unfair of him to behave like this. While your on the topic maybe you should discuss what will happen when your leave ends as a lot of women reduce their house which also means a pay cut.

I'm off on leave in 2 weeks, my husband doesn't expect me to pay the same amount and be minus each month, any extra bits I need will come from the joint account/joint savings within reason.

rawalpindithelabrador · 16/02/2021 16:14

@c24680

It's really unfair of him to behave like this. While your on the topic maybe you should discuss what will happen when your leave ends as a lot of women reduce their house which also means a pay cut.

I'm off on leave in 2 weeks, my husband doesn't expect me to pay the same amount and be minus each month, any extra bits I need will come from the joint account/joint savings within reason.

With a man like this, it's financial suicide to reduce hours and earning to care for children in an unmarried partnership.

BlondePotter · 16/02/2021 16:25

I'm finding this thread really interesting! OP - you aren't being unreasonable, if he still has £8-900 for himself each month, and you have £300 then it's unfair as you will be primary care provider. He could also leave himself £300 and put the leftover in a joint savings account.

For myself, my husband and I have had a discussion. We currently pay 50/50 bills although I earn 50% more than him, I just have a bigger savings account than him. I did put in more to the house deposit.
When my full mat pay ends, and I go onto SMP/then nothing, we've both put £5k savings into the joint account to cover these months bills. And have been buying baby bits like the pram from this money.

Money is personal, but if you feel it's unfair then it probably is

Flittingaboutagain · 16/02/2021 16:33

I've never understood people with different incomes paying 50/50. Seems like how I'd treat a flatmate not my partner.

Fair doesn't mean equal. I'd suggest if he isn't willing to look at relative percentage contribution based on income he is quite selfish and if you are the lower earner all the time I'd be quite concerned about his views here and what it means for the future.

BuffaloCauliflower · 16/02/2021 16:43

I’m on maternity leave. All our money goes into and out of one account we both have full access too. I buy things for our child out of that pot, I buy things for myself too. We’re a team and all money is shared. It was before baby came too. Men who think children are a women’s cost only need to go sit on a spike. My maternity leave is also a joint cost, same as childcare when I go back to work will be too. He’s both of our child not just mine.

The only fair option is you share everything and have equal access to everything.

DontJumpInTheFountain · 16/02/2021 19:53

I don't understand why the cost of your maternity leave, which is required because both of you are having a baby, has to be funded only by you.

catlady3 · 17/02/2021 13:21

When I went on mat pay, we re-calculated our contributions to the joint account based on relative incomes. So if my income was now 20% of our combined total income, I'd pay 20% of the amount we had before and he'd pay the rest. It's still not 100% fair because of the hit my career took, but it's fairer than 50/50 for sure.

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