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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Maternity Pay & Partner

72 replies

Newmumtobeee · 16/02/2021 09:24

I’m just wondering if you could help me out on what I should be expecting from my partner. I’ll be going onto stat maternity pay which will be £607 a month... that’s £800 LESS than my current wage. My partner earns a lot more than me and currently he pays our mortgage (agreement as he brought no deposit for our house & I used my savings to pay) and we split bills 50/50.

I’ve tried to bring up to him that after my personal expenditures I.e car/phone/petrol comes out of my account and me still paying 50% bills, I’ll have barely £300 left. He doesn’t seem to understand the issue. He thinks I should continue paying 50% with him.

We are engaged, not yet married and have a joint account that we put bill/food money into but our wages and other savings are separate.

Am I being unreasonable? I don’t think he understands how expensive a baby is as well to look after and pay for. He hasn’t bought anything for the baby yet, I’ve bought it all (my own fault as he has no clue what to buy) but I know I’ll be using the left over £300 to pay for the baby. I just feel it’s unfair for him to continue living his life like usual with his finances whilst I take the huge pay cut and am expected to provide the same money when I’m on £800 less.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 16/02/2021 10:44

Hang on why is baby getting his name? The house can have his name, at least he is paying towards it! The baby- he’s not growing it, he’s not taking time off work to look after it, he’s not buying anything for it even when you’ve tried to discuss this, he’s not contributing financially, he’s not married to you, why the hell would this little baby he’s not doing anything for get handed his name? What did the baby do to deserve that?

biibbiibobby · 16/02/2021 10:46

@Newmumtobeee you need to just tell him that he needs to help foot the bill...he IS clearly clueless and yes you shouldn't need to ask him for them money!! But I would just say something like "this Saturday we're going to buy the car seat and I estimate that it will cost £110 so you can buy it because I gave already bought x, y and z"

And Not helpful I know but this is the kind of stuff that needs to be spoken about BEFORE you get pregnant!

Nix32 · 16/02/2021 10:46

So all the financial responsibility for the baby falls to you? How is that right?

I'm stunned by the number of times this question comes up. Presumably if you are having a baby together, you are in a committed relationship.

Treat both incomes as one (even if they go into separate bank accounts - do this on paper and then move money around as necessary) - out of that total, take out all the bill money (including food, petrol, child expenses, car costs) and then split the remainder equally between you.

If he has a problem with this, he's essentially saying that your contribution to your family is worth less than his, in which case you've got a lot of thinking to do.

The baby is a joint responsibility so you both need to make sacrifices, financially and in other ways.

timeisnotaline · 16/02/2021 10:46

Hmm. Sounds like tonight is a good time for a new guessing game. You pull out baby things- ok honey, I’m going to hold it up, and you guess if it’s a baby essential and you should have paid half for it, or if it’s just a nice to have. Pram- essential, or my personal spoilt indulgence? Nappies - essential , or my personal spoilt indulgence? What, I should have asked? Why? Are you only ever going to do anything for our baby if I present you with a written application, in one syllable words? Is that how you think being a dad goes?

TheJerkStore · 16/02/2021 10:47

Yep! Another one of these. 'I tried to bring it up and he just didn't understand.' He understands perfectly well! He's quite made up, isn't he, has the kid with his surname, her indoors doing all the donkey work and fronting half the bills and buying all the stuff for his baby.

Wow. Just wow.

You never should have been paying 50/50 to begin with but proportionally to your income. I really hope you protected the money you put into that house and not been a fool.

Stop this right now. 'No, you understand perfectly well. The 50/50 no longer applies. We're not 2 we are 3. Things have changed.'

He doesn't agree to pull his weight, then don't stand for it or him.

Baby gets your surname. You're not married. Engagement means nothing.

Don't reduce your hours or go part time to enable this man.

He's taking advantage of you. And he knows it.

Unbelievable how many women find men like this attractive enough to procreate with them and then further enable them.

All of this ..... read this and take note op!

GirlInterruptedAgain · 16/02/2021 10:47

Ask him if the tables were turned would he feel it was fair? I’ll get slated for this but mums tend to take on 80-90% of responsibility for kids. They have to do the l I be share of care ( even when working ft) housework shopping house and home work, leaving work and taking days off when kids are sick and ill, arranging appointments, cleaning and maintains pram/buggy/car seat. Buying clothing. Food shopping. Knowing what where when and how in regards to anything for kids.

rawalpindithelabrador · 16/02/2021 10:48

@Newmumtobeee

Also, I have savings as I’ve saved from a young age which could top up my wage but I already used a huge chunk for the house deposit. He’s only now started saving but due to this, has become more tight and I think this is why I’m stuck in this predicament with him.

In terms of him being clueless on what to buy the baby, I do agree with all of you, he should research it like I did or ask around. He will pay half if I ask, but I have to ask, otherwise he assumes I bought something for the baby as a nice gesture rather than the fact our baby will NEED it.

You're only stuck if you stand for this behaviour, which is why do not under any circumstance reduce your earning power once this baby is born.

He's not clueless.

He knows what he's doing.

No, baby doesn't get his surname, either.

Original poster

Newmumtobeee · 16/02/2021 10:50

@biibbiibobby @Mammyloveswine I do agree that it should’ve been spoken about before we got pregnant but the baby wasn’t planned and we both agreed that we would want to keep it. At the time, he agreed we would be able to work things out financially but I think he was naive as to what would happen when the baby was actually born.

OP posts:

biibbiibobby · 16/02/2021 10:51

@Newmumtobeee how far along are you?

everydaysablessing · 16/02/2021 10:52

You need to have a serious discussion about your finances as a family. What if you want to reduce hours or become SAHM. House and family costs should be shared and he needs to know the impact it will have on you. How would he feel if his wife and children are scrimping and saving.

rawalpindithelabrador · 16/02/2021 10:53

[quote Newmumtobeee]**@biibbiibobby* @Mammyloveswine* I do agree that it should’ve been spoken about before we got pregnant but the baby wasn’t planned and we both agreed that we would want to keep it. At the time, he agreed we would be able to work things out financially but I think he was naive as to what would happen when the baby was actually born.[/quote]
No, he isn't. He doesn't have compromised intelligence. All the information available to you is just as much to him. Don't make excuses for him. You say in your Op you have already tried to bring it up and he doesn't get it. He does. 'I need to bring this up again because things are financially unfair.' And he steps up or he doesn't.

rawalpindithelabrador · 16/02/2021 10:54

@everydaysablessing

REALLY unwise thing to do with an unmarried partner and one like this, in fact, the worst you can financially. They're not married and he's obviously just fine with his partner scrimping right now.

Original poster

Newmumtobeee · 16/02/2021 10:55

@rawalpindithelabrador I have protected the money I put into the house

Due to him thinking paying the mortgage per month was a huge gesture, he wanted us to do 50:50 bill split. I should’ve worked out percentages for bills but I’m a first time buyer and was naive.

Before the baby, he would pay for things for us but now I think he’s anxious about his money situation. I’ll try and speak to him again tonight and I’ll write it down so he really understands the financial side

OP posts:

Original poster

Newmumtobeee · 16/02/2021 10:56

@biibbiibobby I’m 27 weeks now, we only bought the house start of the year to accommodate for having a child together

OP posts:

TwirpingBird · 16/02/2021 10:57

Jesus. You are the reason he has a child to love for the rest of his life. If you need more money because you are on mat leave he shouldn't be leaving you short. Its money. You have a kid together. This is why me and DH have a joint account, no 50 50, just whatever money I need I have access to, same for him. It's a relationship, not a business partnership.

Christ, some people.

ScrumptiousBears · 16/02/2021 11:05

I agree it's different for everyone. We are not married and are on roughly the same money.

When I found out I was pregnant I saved up to cover my personal direct debits like phone, car, savings plans etc plus my half of the bills and mortgage. This covered everything for the durations of my maternity. When baby came my maternity money was mine and I paid my half of everything out of this pre planned savings. Food, going out, baby stuff clothes, petrol general everyday stuff went on a credit card that DP covered in its entirety for the duration of my maternity.

I went back to work full time and everything was split 50/50 including childcare. Still not married and the mortgage is joint tenants in common as my I owned 80% of the house before he moved in.

DarcyJack · 16/02/2021 11:05

Both wages into joint account. Anything else us just too much hassle with children. Joint account pays everything. If you want individual spends for coffees, lunches out, manicures, barbers, then joint account pays two individual current accounts the same amount each month. In our case £200.

timeisnotaline · 16/02/2021 11:08

Due to him thinking paying the mortgage per month was a huge gesture
And your paying the deposit was what? A poke in the eye with a burnt stick? Not a huge gesture obviously, presumably because it wasn’t his money.

DarcyJack · 16/02/2021 11:08

And get married!

nimbuscloud · 16/02/2021 11:12

Have you ‘mug’ tattooed on your forehead in huge letters???

ShirleyPhallus · 16/02/2021 11:14

@TheJerkStore I’m thoroughly impressed you were able to get all the * in the right place to be able to bold every line of that quote!

TheJerkStore · 16/02/2021 11:24

[quote ShirleyPhallus]**@TheJerkStore* I’m thoroughly impressed you were able to get all the in the right place to be able to bold every line of that quote![/quote]
Haha it was a challenge!! But an important message to get across!

AegonT · 16/02/2021 11:26

Our money is pooled. We both have an understanding of our finances (admittedly me better than him but finance is my profession) so know not to spend loads without it being a necessity or discussing it with the other. When I went on maternity leave the first time and when I go this time there will be less money and we'll jointly decide how to cut expenditure when necessary. I enjoy researching and choosing the baby things but it comes out of the joint funds.

I can't understand how your partner can think that you'll finance the baby. You are taking time off because the baby needs caring for - why is that only your cost? Will you pay all the childcare fees when you go back to work? Have you considered shared leave if he thinks the person off work should have less money - he should take a turn.

As you aren't married give the baby your last name or you might regret it later if you don't get married.

cathybates · 16/02/2021 11:33

I’m paying everything 50/50 at the minute but once I’m on unpaid leave he is picking up the tab for everything. Once m back at work we will be 50/50 again. After a recent pay rise he only earns 350 a year more than me but I get higher pension contributions from work. Expecting he might get a pay rise when his pay review is next week which means he’ll earn a bit more but probs not more than another 5k a year more than me. I guess we might adjust then but will wait and see

cathybates · 16/02/2021 11:33

Oh and we are married

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