Help with feeling towards pregnant friend following miscarriage.

[Taskmasterlover]

Basically as the subject says. I had a miscarriage back in August and then got pregnant again in October. I found out one of my close friends was around 2 weeks ahead of me, we were both very excited but I was still reserved about it all.

I found out a couple of days ago at 12 weeks that I'd had another miscarriage. I'm now just wanting to know how other people coped in this situation? Lockdown means I can't see the friend at the moment anyway but inevitably I will do at some point.

Thanks

Hi Op, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and are going Through. I had a mmc where baby was due round the time my friend delivered hers. I got pregnant shortly after and had my son prematurely and lost him after birth just before she gave birth to her daughter. I also had other friends who were due a month or so before my son. I won’t lie, it was bloody difficult. I stopped talking to a lot of people bcos my husband and I really just needed to focus on ourselves. I didn’t find out what my friend had until 8 months later, and it was me who asked in one of our rare chats- which she usually instigated bcos she wanted to know how I was doing. I asked at a time I didn’t find it difficult and she apologised for not telling me but I told her I knew her reasons and she was being sensitive.

I have thought about going forward and keeping in touch with these people bcos their kids will always remind me of my son since they are all born within 1-4 months and right now I am not ready and have found lockdown a small blessing where I can hide away, I know one day I’ll have to make a decision and the treatment I’ve received from my friends will play a very big part in that decision. They havent always gotten it right but have all been patient and kind.

The only advise I would I give is be kind to yourself first. Don’t worry about what others might think and if you need a time out from contact with certain people then just tell them. If they are true friends they will be kind and understanding and wait for when you are ready. Beyond that just take it one step at a time

Thanks @greenbks. I am so sorry for what you've been through too. It sounds really blood difficult and you sound like you dealt with it maturely and in a way that was right for you.

Like you said I will just tell my friend if I need some time without contact, which I imagine I will. It's quite hard to not feel very sad that it's not our baby but I'm obviously very happy for her.

I'm so sorry - that's such a hard situation. My situation was similar. I had a MC in Jan. We found out we were PG again in March and booked an 8 wk reassurance scan which showed a healthy baby. 2 wks later SIL told us she was 12wks PG. DH is really close to his family and we were excited that our kids would be cousins only 2-3 weeks apart in age. That night I had a bit of spotting and was concerned but not too worried as it stopped after a day. We booked another scan anyway and there was no HB. Her baby was born late last year.

Honestly no idea what you can do in that situation. She was so lovely and considerate of my feelings but I couldn't bear to be near her or even read messages from her. Not seeing her wasn't an option and actually I think it helped that I had to see her - it stopped becoming a big thing in my mind - but it wasn't fun and I still feel a bit uncomfortable when I see pics of her and her baby. I wish I was a better person but in reality the only thing that has really helped was getting PG again. Even then, I am usually a very rational person but I still get anxiety when something good happens for her baby that it will mean something bad for mine. I was in a panic for about a week after they were born. It's getting easier with time.

I MC end of Nov, one of my best friends is a few weeks ahead of me. One of the first things I did was message her, tell her and let her know nothing has changed and I’m still super excited and happy for her and can’t wait to meet her little one.

I’ve been the pregnant one whilst a colleague miscarried, I was ostracised and made to feel like I’d done something wrong - please don’t do this!

ah @Taskmasterlover so sorry what you went through :( it's so incredibly hard. I don't think there is necessarily any right or wrong way to deal with things, and everyone handles situations differently - and it isimportant you do what's right for you - whilst bearing in mind your friendship etc.
I had the same last year when a friend had a MC, then we found out were pregnant, but ended up having a MMC at 11 weeks. friends were really supportive, but then although I was genuinely happy to find out friend was pregnant again - it hit me really hard, as it was just so raw with everything that happened with us. To be honest i think when she had told me, it was still really soon after our miscarriage and think was probably still in shock and hadn't really processed everything. i ended up having to distance myself for my own mental wellbeing as was really struggling,and explained that so they didn't think i was just being unreasonable. Genuinely am v happy for friends but it jsut takes some time and for me, it v much happened at the wrong point in our grieving process. this friend means the world to me though, and i know we would both understand and empathise with each other. Just give yourselftime and space and wish you all the best with TTC again and having your rainbow.x

Thanks everyone, it really helps hearing about people's stories.

I messaged the friend yesterday to tell her, didn't say that 'nothing had changed etc' but this miscarriage had be threatened for around 4 weeks and during that time I'd made sure her scan had gone okay and checked up on how she was, we have also chatted about other non pregnancy related things.

We are not planning ttc again for the rest of this year due to physically and mentally needing a break and focus on ourselves. I don't know if this will make it more difficult due to not going to be pregnant for a while.

I imagine it'll just take time. At the moment there's people I know who are still pregnant and due in March from my previous miscarriage and I think once some time has past and it isn't as raw then it'll become easier.

Hi OP, sorry for your loss.

Though I’m not in a similar position, in my own situation I am the friend. A close friend of mine has recently had a MC and I’m currently 28 weeks pregnant. We both have children the same age so prior to lockdown were meeting up a lot for play dates and speaking regularly. She has openly told me talking about pregnancy upsets her (I hadn’t spoken of mine since her MC) but she was telling about other people talking about babies and pregnancy who didn’t know her situation. I feel she was telling me so that I’d know to not mention mine which is completely understandable, there is plenty of other things to talk about. I don’t take offence to her being distant in any way because I understand it must be very difficult to deal with when you’ve experienced a loss. Just wanted to say as the friend in the situation it’s OK to not be the same while you’re dealing with this.

Take care OP

So sorry for what you’re going through, can only imagine the pain you must be feeling.

I’m also your friend in this situation, a close friend of mine recently had a MC and I’m due soon. It’s a horrible situation for everyone tbh as your friend is also going through pregnancy at a very difficult time and no doubt needs the support of her friends too - but if she is a good friend she will understand that you can’t be that person for her at the minute and will hopefully have other friends to lean on.

You also need the support of people who aren’t in her position and who you can grieve with freely and openly.

I’d advise having an honest conversation (or send a message) letting her know how difficult it is for you at the minute and asking for what you need. I am sure she is wanting to have the same conversation and will want to be as sensitive as possible to what you’re going through.

But she won’t know how you feel or how to handle it until you have that discussion. If you need space, ask gently for it. Turns out my friend would have been really upset if I’d excluded her from talking about my pregnancy - but I am sure it is painful to her to hear it at the same time, so I’m trying to be as delicate as possible. Equally I’d have absolutely understood if she needed space and time from me.

My point is everyone is different and she won’t know how you feel
and how best to support you unless you talk to each other about it.

Sending you lots of love and best wishes x

Should add to the above - I don’t mean in any way to imply what your pregnant friend is going through is equal to the pain you’re experiencing x

Just sent her message basically saying what I'd be happy chatting about at the moment and that I'd talk about her pregnancy when I felt able. Was still happy for her etc. So hopefully that'll help.

That sounds great, I know it’s difficult and I’m sure it was difficult to send that message. Just take it at the pace you feel comfortable with. Name changed for this pointed out how she was ostracised but I think ppl forget that women who lose babies are also, if not on a bigger scale ostracised and treated differently. Take me for example, I lost my baby and there are people I was friendly with at work who now go out of their way to avoid me. Literally remove me from emails so they don’t have to engage bcos of their own stupid fears. I ignored it but colleague picked up on it and mentioned it to me.

So it’s goes both way and I hope you just take it slow. I hope she’s understanding. Xx

Thanks @Greenbks. She sent a lovely reply and I think really appreciated that I'd sent the message and I feel much better too because now I've expressed how I feel.

I am so sorry you've been made to feel left out at work and excluded from emails, I think that's awful and really hurtful. My work have been really good and everyone knows because I was very open about my first one and spoke about it on social media. I am considering setting up a baby loss awareness group at my place of work when covid allows.

Hi OP
I know the feeling my friend was 2 weeks ahead of me and I found out in Sat at 14 weeks I had a MMC and then miscarried mon/Tues. I also have a friend who is 7 weeks pregnant.
There is a support thread on miscarriages bit (use search function) which is helping me through.
For me it's about my baby that hurts and nobody else's really I don't mind they are pregnant or when they give birth as it will never be me holding my baby that I have just lost at that time but everyone is different and this is also very new to me.

my friend who is 7 weeks pregnant has had 3 miscarriages this year and has been a fantastic support for me I'm keeping everything crossed for and will support in anyway possible.

My friend who I was a few weeks behind our sons play together and she's also a great support right now. Neither of them do baby showers (I also don't attend them regardless of covid) or put lots of stuff on social media. I have hidden some friends who do for my own sanity.

Do what you need to do for your own emotional wellbeing they will understand.

That’s great! Very pleased to you, good support makes all the difference.

I didn’t want to make it sound as if this one experience has made it all bad- it hasn’t! Work, friends & family have been beyond amazing which has made it easier.

A baby loss awareness group sounds like a good idea, I think people could always do with some more knowledge. I’m keen to hear how you get on.