Naughty toddler put me off having kids?

[ChloeR12]

Please
No judgment! I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant

So my partner and I have a friend (we're friends with him and his girlfriend)

They're both lovely and have an almost 3 year old boy. I'm pregnant myself and being around their toddler has honestly stressed me out about having a child. I don't know if he is behaved or is genuinely naughty? Not sure if I'm over reacting!

He constantly throws things over the house (constantly, scissors, sweets, his toys, anything he can grab. Doesn't just throw them - he throws them at us and his parents) his mum will tell him to stop and threaten to discipline him but will only put him on the naughty step "until he's calmed down and decides to come back in"

He will constantly swear. Constantly. Which is learnt behavior from his dad, and also hit. He's an adorable little boy with a lovely personality but being around him genuinely gives me anxiety because I'm having a baby myself and would be so annoyed if my son acted that way (please don't judge I'm so chilled and laid back. But for me I want a child that can say please and thank you, know what's right and wrong and is kind to people) as I said when he's behaving he's such a lovely boy.

Background info. His dads too laid back. Mum is pregnant with her second and works all day as well as the dad but whenever the little boy is doing something naughty the dads always shouts her to discipline him.

I know this sounds so rude and bitchy and I feel terrible, but I just wanted opinions? Is it wrong for me to want to raise a child with manners and kindness and invest all the time I can into them to make them a better person?

Or is this just toddlers for you?

I know this will be mixed comments but I haven't had kids myself yet so please no mean comments I am just asking for advice here!

Thanks x

Toddlers throw tantrums but not all the time. So you’ll need to take the good with the bad. Having said that it sounds like you will nurture your child better than they do and so your bads will be less frequent and nowhere near as bad .

It depends if you believe a child is like a blank canvas and you get out exactly what you put in?
I'm sure it'll be different for you.
Let us know in 3 years time!

It is toddlers to you, to an extent. I'm more of a shouty parent than I ever wanted to be and I'm working on it. My kids have sworn yes, but they know it's something that they shouldn't do but they do it to see your reaction.
However I do think he is being naughty but only because he isn't being taught boundaries and he's being set a bad example by his parents, you say they are a lovely couple but his dad sounds a bit lazy to be honest.
It's hard work and sometimes you can't be bothered but I'm sure you'll end up with a fairly nice one lol

No no no. This is so far from normal. That poor little boy. You get back what you put in.

All kids play up but a lot of kids lack discipline and that sounds like the case with your friends child. My son is extremely boisterous, he’s loud and he does not sit still for longer than five minutes. But he has also learnt that some behaviours aren’t acceptable. You do your best as a parent and you learn to pick your battles.

Somehow it’s more bearable when it’s your own dc. Dd1 was an Angel toddler, dtds were constant and demanding. My poor dsil apparently freaked out at 4 months pregnant because we visited and the twins were 20 months old and a lot of work (plus a 4 year old). Dbil had to point out they were having one not 3 he’s 8 now and interestingly they’ve stuck with one dc.

I have a 22 month old and just had twins two weeks ago. I've become (much to my own disappointment and annoyance) a little more shouty than I want to be but that is due to tiredness. My eldest acts up a lot at the moment I put that down to the changes within our home but also his age. As much as he is a little shite at the moment he has always been the loveliest little boy and we have really tried to teach him manners, 90% of the time providing he's not excessively tired and having a melt down he will always say please (although more like peas) and if he receives something we have encouraged 'ta' as thank you at his age I think is asking a little much.
I do think they all have little bugger stages but also you do get out what you put in too. It's a bit of both, no ones child will ever be perfectly behaved all of the time. I just hope that my boys are always well behaved and polite when out in public as it's much nicer that way but obviously not let things slip out of control at home.

Toddlers can be little beasts and yes at times you'll want to (and will) lose your shit.

From the sounds of it though this toddler has learnt his behaviour from parents - especially in respect of the swearing - and why on earth does he have scissors in his possession to throw at people anyway?!

Anyway assuming that you are consistent and firm with discipline and don't eff and jeff in-front of your child then you should be reassured that your toddler most likely won't turn out like your friends

The throwing scissors could be nipped in the bud super fast if there were proper boundaries put in place. I have a friend who always says she doesn’t like discipline (I mean the normal time outs/naughty step etc not smacking!!) and always says her husband will take care of it, I swiftly realised this is exactly why she will cancel any plans that may see her 3 year old out of routine (tired, hungry etc...) anyway I digress. My 3 year old can be a madam but the older she gets the more she is able to recognise her emotions and work her way through then, I do defiantly do time outs and I’m not scared to take away a toy (temporarily) to show her i mean business. She knows she’s loved and aside from the normal tantrums she’s an amazingly polite and behaved little girl. My friends daughter on the other hand can be a right nightmare I often think to myself ahhhh yes I wonder why....

Well, they don't sound especially calm or consistent, and if you are calm and consistent it does help. It sounds like he is doing a lot of things to get attention, and so it can help if your child knows they can get attention in less antagonistic ways.

But a lot of that is totally normal 3 year old behaviour. Throwing things - yep although we keep scissors and other dangerous things well out of reach. You just have to be very patient with repeating no and redirecting them. I tended to remove any toys/treats that were thrown at that age.

Swearing is just a word - they do repeat words they like or know get attention. My 2yo is currently obsessed with repeating a "door gate sound" which is a mechanical "Eeeeeeaaaaaah, ah ah" which gets a bit wearing. He doesn't swear because he doesn't hear swearing so he doesn't know those words. When my 12yo was 4, he liked to shout words he thought were rude (poo, bum, willy) which was a bit annoying, but he grew out of it.

Hitting can be a phase they go through at that age as well. Again it's just consistency and calmness in dealing with it, which can be hard when they're winding you up or they manage to crack you right on the nose with something hard!

Some 3yos are very high energy and need to discharge that energy somehow, which can be very difficult when you're tired and overstretched. It might have been a bad day for them.

Saying please and thank you, knowing what is wrong vs kind are all quite high expectations for a 3yo. They won't do these things all the time no matter how much time and attention you put into them. By 5 or 6 it's more reasonable.

Well what you’re seeing is the result of inconsistent and rubbish parenting, to some extent. An element of it will be the age.

But based on what you’re saying, it’s mainly parenting.

You’re pregnant and I suspect all sorts of worried and fears may be coming up and this is just one of them. Make sure you are mindful of how you parent and don’t be down if it doesn’t always turn out as you want, just learn from that.

Parenting is hard but rewarding. Congratulations!

The child's parents sound absolutely awful. Perhaps he's stressed at all the shouting/swearing going on around him 😱 Swearing in front of a child is totally unacceptable.
Don't judge him, judge his parents. TBH, I couldn't maintain a friendship with someone who was regularly allowing swearing around a toddler.

Sounds more like a parent problem than a toddler problem to me.

(Toddlers are challenging and can do these things but firm boundaries can teach them not to).

Enjoy your pregnancy and don't fret!

No, that’s not in any way normal. SN aside, it was rare for me to come across toddlers that ill behaved when my own were that age (we are still early primary school years). We did have visits cut short because someone took a child who couldn’t behave home (including me), and those children who were suspected of having SN had parents who were generally making a balls-out effort and completely on it.

I would judge and I would avoid spending time with them.

It’s inevitable that you create problems in your dc - they sort of magnify your worst traits! It’s really not as easy as just having the right intentions when you’re pregnant. We were all perfect parents before they arrived.

Your feelings are completely different towards your own dc. You have a well of patience and love to draw from that isn’t there with another child no matter how much you like them.

But you are absolutely right that you can make a difference. My toddlers didn’t throw scissors because they absolutely would not have got away with it. The thing is, that you do invest time and energy into your dc - they drain you dry, so something has to give. By the time your lo is a misbehaving toddler you’ll be more focused on surviving and forgiving yourself for your own shortcomings rather than actually judging the child.

But honestly, what you’re describing would concern me because your friend’s dh sounds like an ass and I’d be concerned whether she was ok.

Doesn’t sound normal. Sounds like they’re crap at enforcing boundaries.

(Having said that, there’s very little worse than your kid losing their shit among casual acquaintances/non-parents/at someone else’s home... it’s a bit of a skill learning how to handle that.)

Is it wrong for me to want to raise a child with manners and kindness and invest all the time I can into them to make them a better person?

Is this actually a serious question?

Tbh most 2-3yos go quite feral for a while. It's a mix of testing boudaries/more freedoms/learning to talk back etc.

The specifics you mention in your OP sound more down to a lack of proper discipline and frankly, dad who sounds like dumps everything on the Mum.

Your child absoloutley will present situations where they are just being naughty little shits, but these are typically few and far between and can be managed by effective parenting.

Sounds like this boy needs boundaries and parents need to take the time to actually parent. I'm sure your own baby will be fine op. You might just want to limit contact with this family because the child is likely to teach your own dc some very bad habits.

Toddlers are hard work.

Also people are not just blank slates for you to form however you want. They come with personalities.

You might get an easy laidback toddler or you might get a screamy tantrummer, and you won’t know until they get here...

That isn't normal in my opinion. My second son who is 3 is way more of a nightmare than my first, who was and is basically always an angel...! But my second is much more hard work, defiant, strong willed if I'm putting it nicely. We do get the odd tantrum obviously which is normal! He does throw things if annoyed (in the house, only toys, never when we're out, not at anyone but to the floor if he's frustrated or something!) But I've personally never heard a toddler swear..!
Children are a product of their environment.
Don't let it put you off, I've always wanted children but other people's children have ALWAYS put me off having more children or prior to having my own other people's children would make me question whether I wanted my own!

Tbh I was a much better parent before having kids. I was going to teach my child to be polite and know right from wrong. Unfortunately no one told my child and at 3 he was a nightmare, and I am sure plenty of people judged my parenting. Few years on, he has an asd diagnosis and it's a work in progress. Though I have avoided teaching him to swear, so I guess I get a brownie point there! Seriously though, you might get an eager to please, calm child (I got one of these second time round) or you might get a whirlwind. You just do your best to parent them in a way that works for you and your child.

I the bad language is learnt behaviour. If you don't expose your child to it, they won't use it. My child is 5 and never sworn. He's now old enough that if he hears a bad word on TV (he heard 'butch' watching Casper the other day!), I can explain it's a bad word and I don't want him to use it.

With small children, if you consistently address unwanted / bad behaviour it will pay off. I'm not talking shouting or punishing, but repeatedly reminding them to be gentle, physically intervening and taking away items that are dangerous (scissors!!) and following through with what you say (no empty threats!). The problem is that it's exhausting and a lot of effort to do BUT like I said, it pays off if you do it.

Boundaries, praise and clear consequences for doing things that harm others including throwing scissors and swearing! Sounds more like these parents are taking the easy discipline option now which will probably unfortunately come back at them later when they want to discipline their child to behave better and can’t undo what they’re doing now

Have discussions now with partner/key carers about the kind of adult you want to raise and how you want to introduce those behaviours. Consistency is really important