Naughty toddler put me off having kids?

[ChloeR12]

Please
No judgment! I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant

So my partner and I have a friend (we're friends with him and his girlfriend)

They're both lovely and have an almost 3 year old boy. I'm pregnant myself and being around their toddler has honestly stressed me out about having a child. I don't know if he is behaved or is genuinely naughty? Not sure if I'm over reacting!

He constantly throws things over the house (constantly, scissors, sweets, his toys, anything he can grab. Doesn't just throw them - he throws them at us and his parents) his mum will tell him to stop and threaten to discipline him but will only put him on the naughty step "until he's calmed down and decides to come back in"

He will constantly swear. Constantly. Which is learnt behavior from his dad, and also hit. He's an adorable little boy with a lovely personality but being around him genuinely gives me anxiety because I'm having a baby myself and would be so annoyed if my son acted that way (please don't judge I'm so chilled and laid back. But for me I want a child that can say please and thank you, know what's right and wrong and is kind to people) as I said when he's behaving he's such a lovely boy.

Background info. His dads too laid back. Mum is pregnant with her second and works all day as well as the dad but whenever the little boy is doing something naughty the dads always shouts her to discipline him.

I know this sounds so rude and bitchy and I feel terrible, but I just wanted opinions? Is it wrong for me to want to raise a child with manners and kindness and invest all the time I can into them to make them a better person?

Or is this just toddlers for you?

I know this will be mixed comments but I haven't had kids myself yet so please no mean comments I am just asking for advice here!

Thanks x

At 2-3 they are a handful at times. Ours haven't thrown scissors or sworn - apart from once (learned from DH, his favourite expression).

DS1 was mainly lovely (almost 6 now)
DD is a little witch - often has contrary, stubborn, awkward moments and is hard to distract and pretty manipulative as well as lovely . Is getting much better now (heading for 4)
DS2 17 months is very easy going and rarely had a tantrum yet but I can see it starting. We had a throwing himself on the ground (beach) sobbing on Saturday over not being allowed to go in the sea. When DH picked him up so we could keep walking he was shouting 'Top top,no,no' all the way along the beach between wails.

Kids learn languages from adults around them or at school/nursery. That you can almost control.

Children’s personality you can’t control. What you can do is do your best to teach him good manners. Never, forgetting to teach them not to lick the bus window. They won’t know it is not acceptable until you tell them.

Some children need to burn off energy. If you don’t organise safe and productive methods to fulfill this need, they will find other ways such as jumping on the sofa. Or at least my ds2 will.

I tell myself it is ok to sound like a broken record player sometimes.

Ds was the most chilled, funny little thing - sweet natured, unargumentative, didn’t throw things... but god he was hard work when he got to about 10 - stubborn as a mule. He’s 16 now and can still be bloody hard work (never knows when to keep his mouth shut).

Maybe you'll do a good job. Maybe you won't. Maybe the now three year old will grow up to be prime minister. Maybe he won't.

Do the best you can and hope is all any of us can do.

@addictedtotheflats

Yeah sounds like mine. But don't worry by the time they get to this age your resilience and tolerance will match their behaviour, they dont turn into devils minions over night.

Your 3 yo throws scissors around the house and at guests and swears a lot? I don't think that's typical OR avoidable.

I never really get these posts. "My friend swears in front of her kid alot and lets him play with scissors. I don't like it. Do I have to do it withy child?". "I saw a naughty child today, does that mean that every child will act like this and I have to let them?"

Yes 3 yo are little buggers, but I wouldn't say this one's behaviour is typical and the last of boundaries and consequences is clearly an issue

My sister ran daycare for 40 odd years - she always said that although people say ‘terrible twos’ it’s actually 3 year olds that are the most challenging’.

We all think we're going to be a certain type of parent BEFORE we have children and face the music.

Obviously nobody wants a kid that swears and throw stuff at people...
You do your best to educate your child the way you think is right and the rest is up to them.
Many parents have put time and effort in their toddlers and they still are horrendous. When you don't live with people it's easy to pass judgment ... not helpful though.
If i were you i would just focus on myself, read books about child development and phases, ask questions to other mums without saying "you are shit at parenting i will do better" kinda thing...
Sometimes there are deeper issues and many reasons why a toddler could be acting up.
Perhaps the mum just needs support or help too. Or perhaps they are just not bothered as parents. Who knows?

If you don’t want your toddler throwing things and swearing then they won’t. Children need consistency and if those parents took things off him before he threw them, told him no when he swore and used time out properly then none of those things would be happening.
Those parents are making a rod for their own back ... he will only get worse sadly.

If you don’t want your toddler throwing things and swearing then they won’t. Children need consistency and if those parents took things off him before he threw them, told him no when he swore and used time out properly then none of those things would be happening.

Well, those things would stop, you hope - and it doesn't sound like the parents are doing much to achieve that - but it's a process, so no, you can't guarantee that a child will never throw things or swear no matter what your parenting technique. My toddler is going through a throwing phase and we're very strict about it (and wouldn't let him have anything like scissors in the first place - though it's not clear from the OP whose house they were in, it's a lot harder if it's not yours and so there are things you would never have in reach lying about) so it's diminishing and he knows it's not allowed, but he still does it sometimes because he's not yet three and teaching him something like that is a slow process with endless repetition. So if you came round tomorrow I can't guarantee you wouldn't see him throw something, or that he wouldn't have a tantrum because I won't give him chocolate on demand, or even that he wouldn't hit or push (which, again, we are zero tolerance on, but he still does sometimes when frustrated).

Also, some kids are at their worst around others and some at their best - we've always been lucky that DS loves novelty and so ever since he was a tiny baby he's been loads easier when out and about and if there are new people around. Other children I know react really badly to being out of their usual routine/environment, and all their worst behaviour comes out then. Lots of my friends think I've got an angel child for this reason, and that we're so lucky that, for instance, we've always been able to eat out with him since he was tiny because he reliably behaves really well in that situation. I thought I was lucky and felt smug about it too, until lockdown came - god, I wanted one of the ones who loved being at home and snuggling up on the sofa then!

@LittleTiger007

If you don’t want your toddler throwing things and swearing then they won’t. Children need consistency and if those parents took things off him before he threw them, told him no when he swore and used time out properly then none of those things would be happening. Those parents are making a rod for their own back ... he will only get worse sadly.

I think this is misleading and unhelpful. That simply isn't true; you want a perfectly behaved child? Then you shall have one. No op, darling, you won't. You will get what you're given and hopefully make the best of it.