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Original poster

Naughty toddler put me off having kids?

61 replies

ChloeR12 · 19/12/2020 21:34

Please
No judgment! I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant

So my partner and I have a friend (we're friends with him and his girlfriend)

They're both lovely and have an almost 3 year old boy. I'm pregnant myself and being around their toddler has honestly stressed me out about having a child. I don't know if he is behaved or is genuinely naughty? Not sure if I'm over reacting!

He constantly throws things over the house (constantly, scissors, sweets, his toys, anything he can grab. Doesn't just throw them - he throws them at us and his parents) his mum will tell him to stop and threaten to discipline him but will only put him on the naughty step "until he's calmed down and decides to come back in"

He will constantly swear. Constantly. Which is learnt behavior from his dad, and also hit. He's an adorable little boy with a lovely personality but being around him genuinely gives me anxiety because I'm having a baby myself and would be so annoyed if my son acted that way (please don't judge I'm so chilled and laid back. But for me I want a child that can say please and thank you, know what's right and wrong and is kind to people) as I said when he's behaving he's such a lovely boy.

Background info. His dads too laid back. Mum is pregnant with her second and works all day as well as the dad but whenever the little boy is doing something naughty the dads always shouts her to discipline him.

I know this sounds so rude and bitchy and I feel terrible, but I just wanted opinions? Is it wrong for me to want to raise a child with manners and kindness and invest all the time I can into them to make them a better person?

Or is this just toddlers for you?

I know this will be mixed comments but I haven't had kids myself yet so please no mean comments I am just asking for advice here!

Thanks x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

1stDue2021 · 20/12/2020 11:01

@boymum9 so glad you understand! Everyone thinks I'm judging when I'm not at all, it's not bad for me to say I'd want to do things differently is it?😂obviously kids will be kids but I do think parenting has a huge impact on how your child behaves and who your child is, and no parent is perfect! Thanks for your reply x

1stDue2021 · 20/12/2020 11:02

@naturalyoghurtmuncher so glad someone gets it that's all I was getting at! I know kids will be kids but boundaries and different parenting would make a huge impact on him. The dad goes out drinking for days at a time and the mums too exhausted to look after him as she's heavily pregnant again herself. Hate how everyone thinks I'm being bitchy!

1stDue2021 · 20/12/2020 11:04

@thelegohooverer exactly that's what I was getting at! She doesn't have time to discipline him etc because the dad always throws everything on her! Thank you for your reply!

grey12 · 20/12/2020 11:10

I'll tell you what: DD2 (almost 3yo) can be a handfull.... She screams occasionally (she has a loud voice!), is defiant, step on things..... she's a boisterous toddler but what you described is not normal, it's complete lack of discipline. Even though throwing is a normal behaviour, it's not good for it to be aimed at someone.

SimonJT · 20/12/2020 12:05

My son was a nightmare from 18 months (so day one for me) until 2.5, but he was my nightmare, so while stressful it was okay.

When they’re your nightmare its different. I would not want to go to legoland with a child, but I absolutely love going with my little boy.

Sceptre86 · 20/12/2020 12:53

Toddlers are often loud, run around a lot and make mess. Tantrums are normal but often don't last that long in my experience. My kids are 3 and 4 and have yet to swear, we as a rule tend not to swear so they don't tend to hear it. I realise this will change as they get older and are exposed to more tv and kids from different households. Putting in boundaries and discipline needs to be done consistently and by both parents (if both are on the scene not just so one parent is always the 'bad' guy). You can also control who your child is around to some extent in the early days. For example if your friend swears all the time and his son picks it up who's to say your child won't? Why can he not curb his swearing in front of his kid?

Most people go into parenting with preconceived ideas, you won't know what kind of child you get till they arrive. Consistency is key and being on the same page in terms of displine. It is hard to constantly be on top of but does pay off longterm.

Hardbackwriter · 20/12/2020 13:10

It sounds like your friends don't have much in the way of boundaries, so their child probably is particularly badly behaved. However, nor will it all turn out exactly like you think it will while you're pregnant - we're all perfect parents when pregnant with our first... It'll probably be somewhere in the middle.

This bit made me smile:
Is it wrong for me to want to raise a child with manners and kindness and invest all the time I can into them to make them a better person?

As if you expected people to be like, 'no, that is wrong, OP, you're supposed to raise them to be rude and not give a crap'!

Helenknowsbest · 20/12/2020 15:25

I'm of the group of people who hates any swearing in front of kids. I think its lazy and I absolutely hate it.

Toddlers are tricky and honestly they do have tantrums, I think its how you deal with it. My mum used to say to my sister 'pick and choose your battles' and I've adopted that advice. I've read a toddlers discipline book and sometimes it works and other times you have to accept your losses.

Your experience with your friends child will be heightened because you are pregnant too. As an example when I found out my son was a boy I was honestly so upset (not because I didn't want boys) but because all that was running through my head was the memories of my brother who was and still is a nightmare. Now I have my son, I realised there was nothing to worry about.

Joeyandpacey · 20/12/2020 21:28

There may be some bad modelling going on but honestly? You need to learn about appropriate stages of development. Toddlers are meant to be in the all about me stage. They have limited impulse control, limited ability to understand cause and effect )and therefore consequences) and are just not designed to go around quietly saying please and thank you. It’s a really important stage in learning that they are their own person and separate from mum and dad. It doesn’t mean they are awful to be around. Most of the time they are genuinely delightful and fun. But when they’re not you need to dig deep for patience and understanding and learn how to model respect and love. Sitting on the naughty step for even longer ain’t gonna do it.

Joeyandpacey · 20/12/2020 21:29

And having said that, I still prefer my children to other peoples!

Ohalrightthen · 20/12/2020 21:30

Doublepost, OP?

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 21/12/2020 05:29

You lost me at this:

Is it wrong for me to want to raise a child with manners and kindness and invest all the time I can into them to make them a better person?

It does sound like that little boy lacks discipline but your attitude comes across as quite smug. It is normal for toddlers to act out to a certain extent, and they will do this even if you "invest all the time you can" into them.

EssentialHummus · 21/12/2020 08:19

I dunno stop. You may (quite reasonably) find this smug too, but before I had DD I thought, "I value obedience. I will go to some lengths to have a child who behaves well." Whenever I mentioned it on here I got "Ha, I was a perfect parent before I had kids, wait and see."

DD is now 3. I still value obedience. I'm very hot on consequences - she knows that if her dad or I say something it will happen - she needs to say please or thank you to receive something, we're going home in 5 minutes/if you do that again means just that. She is broadly well behaved. No means no. I've invested a lot of time into this and I feel like it's paying off. I'm not saying this as a special thing I'm doing - many parents do. Of course all toddlers act out but if they don't have boundaries or aren't used to hearing "no" that acting out will be worse, no?

Huge caveats for SN etc.

EssentialHummus · 21/12/2020 08:20

And when I mention this now, by the way, I'm told, "Ha, wait until you have a second."

addictedtotheflats · 21/12/2020 08:22

Yeah sounds like mine. But don't worry by the time they get to this age your resilience and tolerance will match their behaviour, they dont turn into devils minions over night.

addictedtotheflats · 21/12/2020 08:23

Mine doesn't swear though

CrispySeaweedIsReallyCabbage · 21/12/2020 08:31

Yes, toddlers can be very hard work.

The swearing thing is definitely unusual. I have two dcs, 6 and 3. Neither of them has ever sworn on purpose. The 3 yo says "God" too much, like "oh my God", which I think he learned of bigger kids at his childminder. Throwing things around... yes, that's fairly normal. I mean if he is throwing scissors, then obviously those need to be put out of his reach. That's just common sense. A firm "no throwing" usually puts a stop to it, but if not then find something to distract him.

But I can't lie. My first dc had so many awful tantrums, I ended up seeking help from the health visitor. We had an awful few weeks where she would have tantrums all the time and it became unsafe. Like, she would try to run into a busy road and physically fight with me if I tried to stop her. Then fight with me as I put her into the pushchair, (to get her away from the busy road), making it fall over with her in it. It was horrendous. One of the most stressful occasions of my life and I've worked in some very stressful jobs. That few weeks was just after I'd told her we were having another baby. It can be quite unsettling for them, so think it was part of it.

The thing is though, by the time they get to that age, you know them so well that you don't think "oh I shouldn't have had a child". It doesn't occur to you. In the same way you'd probably never think "I wish I didn't have a mum / sister". Well, you probably wouldn't think that as an adult anyway. It is harder to see them as a person when you're pregnant and not really showing or feeling them move.

That said, if you decide parenting isn't for you, then that is also fine and you do not have to continue with it.

CottonSock · 21/12/2020 08:33

No, not normal

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 21/12/2020 08:35

@EssentialHummus

I didn't say the general notion of wanting to raise polite children with boundaries is smug (or at least, I didn't mean that but perhaps I didn't explain very well!) I was referring specifically to the part of the OP that I quoted, and I stand by what I said- that particular question sounded very smug to me.

CrispySeaweedIsReallyCabbage · 21/12/2020 08:40

There is definitely an element of "my children will NOT be allowed to behave that way" when you haven't had your own dcs yet. No children are polite and well mannered all the time and they have fun in a different way to adults. It is an adjustment you will have to make. Sometimes, you will find you have to pick your battles and relax a bit. If you want children to be as disciplined and obedient as the Von Trapps, then you'll have to be a sergeant major with them, which isn't what I wanted when I had my dcs.

Throwing scissors and swearing isn't normal though or at least, it wouldn't be allowed in most houses. But I'm sure you knew that really. You don't need to be Mary Poppins to know that.

I know you said this isn't a bitchy thread about your friends' parenting...but it is. Don't worry about how they are parenting their child. Worry about yourself.

CrispySeaweedIsReallyCabbage · 21/12/2020 08:43

Ha two Julie Andrews references in one post! That actually wasn't deliberate.

EssentialHummus · 21/12/2020 08:46

No you didn't stop, you're right. I guess I just bristle at the idea (not that you were advancing it) that all pre-parenting ideas immediately go out the window once actual children turn up.

Opticabbage · 21/12/2020 08:46

You do sound a bit silly. My toddler has been raised with manners but teaching right/wrong is not so black and white at this age. They're learning from peers. I also would have left in that situation, if I was at someone's house and their toddler was acting that badly, as it's not like they can take them home.

JustLikeStitch · 21/12/2020 08:48

You want no judgement on yourself but you’ve made a threat to judge your friends and ask if it’s wrong to raise a child different to how they are? Jog on love.

Spudlet · 21/12/2020 08:50

Partly it’s toddlers - they can be little sods, frankly, and an audience (that would be you, op) can make this even worse. They are also all their own people and like all of us, are all different - some children just need to be charging around in a field, frankly. My friend has one of these - he’s like the human cannonball, and I know he’s being raised properly, it’s just who he is. He needs to be physically busy and active and he’s too little to moderate and control those impulses. He’ll grow (and be parented) out of it, but you can’t completely alter their personalities.

However, it’s also partly parenting - they won’t learn to swear if you don’t, for example. DS is nearly 5 and knows no swear words because we try very hard not to swear in his earshot. He always says please and thank you because we’ve always taught him to do so and praised him when he’s been polite.

So although your child will be their own person and will undoubtedly at some point mortify you with their behaviour, you do have plenty of influence over them and can encourage the good, discourage the bad.

But also, put the scissors out of reach. Because some things are just worth doing for a quieter life.

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