Returning to work after 4 months

[savethewales]

Hi all,

I’m just after some advice/stories. I’m currently 17 weeks pregnant and finishing my third year of a primary education degree. I’m a little older than the average student at 29.
I’ve been offered a place on a schools direct scheme to start next September, I’ll work unpaid until July but will then have QTS and a position at the school. My husband gets really good paternity and we hoped to do shared parental leave anyway; but am I am mad to think about going to this placement 4 months after the baby is born?
I’ll get all of the school holidays which is a bonus and once I have my QTS will be earning a relatively good salary. I’m just wanting to bite the bullet and get this done so I can start my career.

I’m starting to doubt myself and get chewed about it.

I could have done it (easily)if I knew she was being looked after by her dad. As long as the baby is cared for I’m sure it’s wouldn’t be too difficult.

I went back to a full time demanding job (surgeon) when my eldest was 4 months and when my youngest was 5 months. They went to nursery. It was absolutely fine, they thrived at nursery and I loved being back at work. I know plenty of colleagues who have done similar. It’s not that weird a thing to do! I found being at work far less tiring than being home with a small baby to be honest. First time round I felt really guilty, mainly due to other people’s comments. Second time round I didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought and it was far easier. So I’d say yes, if you want to do it, it is perfectly possible and you should go for it!

@savethewales

Do the people who think they couldn’t do it feel that way as they didn’t have to maybe? It’s a tricky one x

This!

I had 20 weeks off - I'm the main earner by 3x DH. I also didn't get any maternity leave full paid - it was 50% for 12 weeks. So had no choice but to go back to work full time

I always knew I wouldn't be able to have any longer than that off so I was emotionally prepared as much as I could be.
I'm now pregnant with twins and will only have the same amount of time on leave. It is what it is. Short of changing my husband for a richer one there isn't anything I can do about it

Is it primary or secondary? The teacher training year is full on, really intense but most people probably did it a bit younger than you. So I would imagine you might be in a better place than most in terms of organisation and hitting the ground running. I was younger and in so many bad habits after uni but that won't be the case for you. A lot depends on the school and mentors, some are really supportive, some aren't. But I suppose you can start to get organised now in terms of gathering resources etc. It'll be difficult but with your hubby at home I suppose it's doable!!

PGCE/NQT years are the hardest most stressful years I've had of teaching; I can't imagine doing that with a 4 month old. Going back with a 1 year old was hard enough, and she sleeps through the night! 4 months was the hard point - she only went to sleep AT 7am and slept until 10am. It was awful and no way could I have coped with a PGCE as well. Just from that perspective, I would put it off for a year in that situation.

I went back when my first was eight months and my second just about to turn six months, which was just a few weeks ago. Both times my husband took a couple of months paternity leave. It's totally different leaving a baby with your co-parent to organised childcare (and I love our nursery) or wider family - even just stuff like how much easier it is to get out of the house in the morning. This baby slept well until I went back to work and then stopped (teething/illness and other things) and I am totally exhausted but it won't be forever. Also the really bad sleep can come later - my first slept terribly around 18 months for example. Most people are back at work by then. It would be very hard but you could do it and further down the line might really appreciate your past self! Good luck with whatever you decide.

I had 16 weeks maternity leave this year and went back to work whilst my husband took shared parental leave (baby now in nursery at 9 months). I went back at 6 months with my first and second and both went into straight into nursery (no SPL in those days). For me, it was both a financial benefit and a personal choice to go back 'early' (I worked hard to get my career and wanted to get back to it). I actually found it largely ok with DC1 who was an easy baby and a good sleeper, even so the long hours and early mornings were pretty punishing. DC2 was (is) incredibly hard work and I was like a zombie at work and ended up taking a career step back for a while- and I wouldnt have liked to (or had the capacity to) start a new job. DC3 is another easy baby and I've found it absolutely fine. I have no regrets. It's not for everyone and you may not know how you feel until baby arrives, but good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi OP in a similar situation, so been thinking about this a lot, sorry for my long reply... I think it depends on the kind of person you are and the choices available to you. I'm a medic, which I see as a vocation like teaching. I've always loved doing my job and get a lot of satisfaction from - took 12 months for my first and have to say personally for my own wellbeing really missed being in work. I loved spending time with my son but also struggled with what felt to me like a loss of identity. I was really surprised by this and it's taken me a long time to admit!

Now I'm 25 weeks pregnant with no 2 and always intended to go back earlier. Due to career opportunities I'm planning to go back after 8 months this time with DH taking 2 months after. I would have gone as short as 6 months due to intending to BF and not wanting to pump at work. Didn't fit with DHs work and he was against nursery earlier so we compromised.

Quite looking forward to DH taking the lead on childcare for a couple of months, I think it will really help us understand each other's perspectives. I think it's lovely that your OH gets the opportunity. Leaving your baby to go to work is hard whenever it happens. If you have a satisfying job to go back to and a good support network it sounds like it will be worth it. Can't comment on teaching though, can you opt to go back part time?

I carried on working from when DC3 was 2 weeks old.
However I work for myself and mostly from home.
The pregnancy was not planned and as I was in a good place work wise, I felt that to take time off would set me back .

I had very good advice early on from my midwife that if I was to go ahead, especially with it being my third and DC1 and DC2 still being very young (aged 3 and 1) I had to get my plans in place and use my support network and if that included nursery from aged 3 or 4 months, then that was what I needed to do and not worry about other people judging me for it. Wise words!

My husband took 1 day off each week annual leave for the first 8 weeks and the Grandparents helped on a couple of other days, I also worked evenings where possible at first.

From 4 months DC3 had a a nursery place for 2 days a week and Grandparents helped for the other 2 days.

However, when DC3 was with Dad or Nana I could pop down for a cuddle or to say hello which made things easier emotionally.
On nursery days, I always picked up before 4pm so it never felt too bad. I was fortunate that I could pick work back up after bedtime.

We bottle fed during the day but I breastfed from 5pm to morning (mum guilt from feeding the other 2) so I didn't get any sleep either which was, as others have said, really not much fun trying to work the next day some days after being up 7 or 8 times through the night. Writing this I do wonder why I added that extra pressure on myself tbh.

I think if this is your first child as others have said above, you may feel very differently and find it hard. I chose to do this as it would be better in the long term to retain a flexible wfh role.

It is absolutely doable but make sure you are asking yourself what is the why?

No I wouldnt. Its a new job and you need to givd it your best. It's just too soon IMHO.

I did it. Returned to 3rd year of uni when baby was 4.5 months. Same as you, baby was looked after by dad.

The difficult part was baby being a bottle refuser. Dad ended up feeding expressed milk via a syringe until baby would use a cup.

On the whole all was doable. I had a toddler and part time job too. I should caveat that baby did sleep 11pm to 6am from 7 weeks so I didn't have any real sleep deprivation to manage.

Baby is now grown up, healthy and happy so no long lasting ill effects that I can see.

In your shoes I would crack on. As PP have said, many women have returned to work earlier and this is a small period in the overall life of your child.

I started a new job when my baby was 2 months old. 3 weeks later we're in lockdown and I'm juggling a new job whilst caring for a 6 year old with autism and a 3 month old. I managed and you will manage. That's all you need to do.

I returned to teaching with my eldest when he was five months. The hardest part was the breastfeeding. I didn't have enough time to express in the day other than at lunchtime and I'd be very uncomfortable by that point! Then I'd be rushing to a broom cupboard, putting my foot against the door, eating lunch and marking whilst expressing! When I suggested breaks at other times of the day, people looked at me like I was mad. The teaching day is very rigid.

I'm not a teacher so don't know anything about what you'll be doing but at 4 months my daughter was waking 4-5 times a night every night. She needed to be walked to sleep in the day so I was a mess. I don't think I couldn't done my job at that stage.

Another poster made a comment and it is REALLY worth considering. With a 4 month old your DP is going to need support when you're home and at the weekends. If he's going to have to look after the baby alone at those times to enable you to prep, there is a real risk of resentment growing. Do not under estimate how wrecked he will feel. My DP ended up working a lot when I was on maternity leave and we got to a very bad place in our relationship. The first year is hard.

Also, I never ever considered myself someone who wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my baby. But it was much harder than I thought. Having said all of that, there were 3 self employed women in my antenatal group who were back at work within the first 6 months (although not as much as it sounds like you will be)

I couldn’t even leave mine to go to a wedding at 4 months but then it wasn’t a matter of starting a career x

@savethewales the one thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post was that although I was nursing, I introduced a bottle very early (around 2-3 weeks) with both my boys.
It was because I knew I'd be going back around 16 weeks so wanted them to be able to switch between breast and bottle with ease.

They were absolutely fine and had no issues with nipple confusion or preference. Much easier than introducing a bottle when they're past 12 weeks IMO. By then they've got a preference and it's harder to introduce a bottle I think.
I was expressing but they didn't mind breast, bottled expressed or formula. I'd only say to make sure your milk is established and baby is gaining weight first and then introduce one bottle a day to replace a feed (and pump at that time if you intend to).

This thread makes me feel the campaigns for shared parental leave and equal parenting might as well give up now

@anniegun

This thread makes me feel the campaigns for shared parental leave and equal parenting might as well give up now

I did wonder who would make sure I’m not overwhelmed on a night and a weekend if I was the one on maternity leave...

@savethewales go for it! Im also 29 and my career is taking off. I love my job, and do not want to spend more than 4/5 months away (I get 10 keeping in touch days that I will use up during mat leave as well). I think it does come down to our individual personalities, yes it will be hard, but is it harder than other things I have faced in the past?
My OH will be helping me out as well.
I can't afford not to really, so Im emotionally prepared as another poster said.

It's a tough one and unfortunately you won't really know how you feel about it until the baby is here. So much changes and it could also depend on both your sleeping patterns/feeding and so on. As others have said I can't imagine going back to work with a four month old (and I am going back into education too) but maybe that's because I found it incredibly hard during the first six months with my boy. I did go back part time at nine months which I loved.

@savethewales presumably whoever is working would help you out at the weekend etc. As the one who did all the childcare while DP was at work, I needed his help at the weekends because it was fucking exhausting. If you are going to need weekends to work / plan / prep as having worked full time whilst training to be a solicitor and a single parent, I had to do. It's fucking hard and it breeds resentment if you're the only person looking after a baby that still doesn't sleep etc.

Take it how you want to take it but your career is obviously very important but whoever is the main childcare provider needs support too. This isn't a man/ woman equality thing. It's a speaking from recent experience thing. I'd say the same if your DP didn't help out when not at work.

@anniegun

This thread makes me feel the campaigns for shared parental leave and equal parenting might as well give up now

Some women will be able to leave their child at 4 months old and not have any difficulties concentrating on their careers. I don't think anyone questions that. The reality though, the reality of training for a qualification that is hard work when you aren't sleep deprived and everything else that comes with having a small baby, is going to be much more difficult. Comparing working full time and studying with working full think, studying and a newborn isn't a reasonable comparison - unless you have a totally chilled newborn.

Nobody is suggesting that because OP is a woman there's something wrong with her plans. People are trying to point out that actually it isn't going to be as straightforward as she thinks.

In America you get up to 12 weeks, so it’s entirely possible.

@kirinm it comes across exactly like these comments are because OP is a women. OP will be taking 4 months off and then her husband - the father can take parental leave and be with the baby. Yet everyone is telling her how awful it will be and laying on guilt that there is no way they could ever leave their tiny little baby.

The reverse of this situation is that dad takes only a week or 2 off and then returns to work. No one ever tells him that it will be way too early, that he is in for a really difficult time at work, that his baby is too small to be left etc. If the dad took 4 months he would be praised for being such a dedicated father.

She's not leaving her baby with the wolves ffs it is the baby's DAD!

I think this is doable! Lots of women go back to work around the 4 month mark.
At the end of the day, your baby will be with your DP.

People go back to work under much more difficult circumstances, OP you will be fine!