Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Secretly hoping this baby will look more like my race

56 replies

Pktjrsmoi · 03/12/2020 10:34

I feel awful about it. And I realise it sounds very bad. I haven't told anyone ( too afraid) but I really want to tell someone , so I picked mumsnet.

I have one DD that looks white. And I am absolutely fine with it , she looks like her father. But recently I started dreaming ( I am due in February) about an african looking baby , him having dark skin and more of my features. I keep thinking that he will come out black. The idea of being the odd one out forever when going out terrifies me , the whole " Oh it's your step kids... you're babysitting etc..."

I know I picked a white man to have my DD , but I was expecting her to be tanned-ish , not blonde with blue eyes.

I don't think I am a racist , or maybe I am. HOW DO I STOP THOSE THOUGHTS ? I am upset that I could possibly have a desire for a certain "look".

OP posts:
EvilEdna1 · 03/12/2020 10:41

I think it's normal. I imagined a baby with curly dark hair and eyes but I didn't get one! I got blue eyes and blonde hair and looking like my husband. I stupidly happy that the last one's eyes turned brown so there was at least some of me there to see. I imagine that feeling must be more pronounced if the difference is more stark like skin colour. They are honestly normal feelings bit won't effect how you feel about them after they are born as you know.

vinoelle · 03/12/2020 10:45

Agree I think it’s natural to want you baby to look like you. As women we do put more of the effort into growing and delivering them so I feel it’s only right I’m represented somehow 😂

Suzi888 · 03/12/2020 10:46

I’ve got dark hair and eyes and my daughter is blonde with blue eyes. Plus I’m an older mum. I know people probably don’t think she’s mine, ( not that anyone has ever said this, so maybe it’s all in my head!) not a lot we can do about it anyway is there.... We have no influence over it, you’ll forget all about it once baby is here! Smile

Alexandernevermind · 03/12/2020 10:46

I think it's normal too. We all enjoy people telling us "he has your eyes", "she has your hair". Of course in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter, but particularly with a dual heritage child you want them to be a little bit of each family.

doadeer · 03/12/2020 10:48

Truth be told my son is a lot lighter than we were expecting. His dad is black and when he was born he looked completely white... We were a bit confused. He's 2 now and looks very light mixed race, it's a real mystery how mixed ethnicity kids will look.

You don't know how their looks will evolve over time... I can imagine it's really annoying having people question if you are the child's mum. I get asked if I'm nanny a lot.

karmadramallama · 03/12/2020 10:51

It's not unreasonable to want this but obviously you get what you get.

My cousin has twins, one white and one black!

ApocalypseNowt · 03/12/2020 10:53

Don't know if it's true but I think I heard that first burns tend to look more like their father. Certainly true with my two! DD1 is all DH whereas DD2 is my mini me!

I think it's natural to want to see some of yourself in your Dc

CornedBeef451 · 03/12/2020 10:59

I think it's a pretty normal feeling, but then my DCs don't look like me or DH! As a foursome we make sense and the DCs look like each other but either parent and the DCs seems to confuse people.

In my case I'm quite glad they're a mix of genes as I am extremely pale and burn really easily but the DCs are olive skinned and tan beautifully.

Weird side effect is that I now find pale white babies a bit odd looking, despite that being my own skin colour.

Original poster
Pktjrsmoi · 03/12/2020 10:59

Thank you everyone. I feel better!

@doadeer My DD is 7 , and still looks white. But during summer she tans super well. I've heard couple of friends joke about how they gave me the wrong baby becaise I am really dark , but she looks so much like her father and aunty. She's def mine lol. The only mixed race people I know look black. I was expecting the same.

karmadramallama

Wow , that's nature's beauty :P

OP posts:
Rainbowandscarlett · 03/12/2020 11:02

My first is my mirror image
2nd and the rest not so much

I’m the image of my dad and it gives my mother the rage
‘I grew the lot of you,pushed you out,fed you and 3 out of 4 of you had the brass neck to look just like your father!’ (She’s not sore about this at all...)

It’s normal to want to see a bit of yourself in your kids-they are yours

I wouldn’t (try) to worry until bubs is here and just enjoy your beautiful baby-they will be whoever they are meant to be

anniebu · 03/12/2020 11:03

In case of you being of solely African heritage, your one white looking child is probably a one-off. Any future kid will very likely have obvious African features (but even if they will be very dark or "black" as you put it, they will be 50% white. Your feelings about this is the answer to whether racism plays a role or not).

But if your first child came out looking straight out white rather than mixed, chances are though, you are actually of mixed heritage yourself - maybe even mostly white. Do you accept this part of your heritage (if that is the case) or do you choose to think of yourself as African and ignore your European (or possibly other) heritage? It's difficult to accept others unless you fully accept yourself.

Mrsfrumble · 03/12/2020 11:03

How old is your DD?

I have mousy hair and blue eyes and DH has very dark hair and eyes. DS, our first, was born with red hair and green eyes and looking like neither of us! Then DD was born with DH’s colouring and everyone said she was the spitting image of him. Now that they’re 10 and 8 and their features are more developed it’s obvious that DS looks like DH (cheekbones, deeper set eyes, angular features) and DD looks like me (big wide eyes and small rounded features) despite the differences in colouring.

So maybe your DD could resemble you more as she grows up? Maybe she’s inherited your features or bone structure, even if your colouring is different.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

tyrannosaurustrip · 03/12/2020 11:04

I think that's understandable. I will say from friends in this position its entirely possible this baby will look very different - an old colleague had two children, one was blonde and blue eyed and the other was somehow darker than she: the mother was mixed, so this child was 1/4 black but looked like a light-skinned black boy, not mixed, whereas his sister looked white. Yet that little boy started off looking more like his sister. Kids change, and you see different characteristics emerge as they get older.

Though I must admit, my daughter is basically a clone of my husband. I was fine with this until I realised that she is on track to be much shorter than either of us - basically taking after his mother and sister, who are 5ft, rather than me or her father (5 ft 6 and 6 ft 1) and for some reason that feels like a step too far for me, like I can handle her looking like her dad more than me but her looking like my (lovely!) MIL more than me is a line in the sand. However nobody assumes I'm not related to her, and I entirely understand how frustrating that may be.

I don't think you're racist, or terrible. And I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing your feelings about people assuming you're a step-mother or nanny. But when your little girl starts school, everyone you meet there will know she's your mum, you'll have less random interactions at groups and things and maybe that will help. Also, toddlers and small children mostly look like toddlers and small children - the likelihood is even if her colouring is different, when she gets older she'll look more like you. The main thing is to acknowledge your feeling and not feel bad.

Cam2020 · 03/12/2020 11:04

Of course it doesn't make you racist! Lots of parents want their babies to inherit some of their genes and to see themselves on them, that's quite natural, especially if you have one who takes after their father. Don't be harsh on yourself.

Babyyodasmacarons · 03/12/2020 11:08

Imagine someone saying they hoped their baby was white with blue eyes and blonde hair and not dark African features, sounds a little bit racist doesn’t it. I’m of Caribbean descent and my DP is white, we don’t have children yet but I wouldn’t care what colour their skin was.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/12/2020 11:11

I think its natural for people to want their children to look more like them, but I can't help but think if a white person posted this, they would get ripped to shreads.

babbaloushka · 03/12/2020 11:12

Your heritage is important to you and it's completely natural to feel that way! I can imagine the micro aggressions of people assuming she's not yours play a big part. I think its probably somewhat biological to want a child that's phenotypically "yours"! You'll love them regardless.

Babyyodasmacarons · 03/12/2020 11:13

They definitely would. I’d like to post it to find out but I can’t be bothered 😄

Luckyelephant1 · 03/12/2020 11:16

I don't think it's racist at all, and it must be so annoying if people assume your own child isn't yours! But I'm sure once your baby comes you won't care either way as you'll have a beautiful newborn to take care of 😊

It's so interesting reading everyone's stories about their kids appearances. I'm FTM to be and our baby will be mixed race (we both have dark colouring but are different races). We've not told anyone we're expecting yet (I'm only 8 weeks) but ever since we've been together people have always said we will have beautiful babies 🙄 I almost feel a bit pressured now!

Original poster
Pktjrsmoi · 03/12/2020 11:16

Mrsfrumble

She is nearly 7 , I am 100% east African. She has my curly hair though , so she has some of my features.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion

You maybe right , but I know my feelings are wrong. When you decide to have a baby with a partner of a different ethnicity that's an outcome. But you know the whole "dominant black genes" made me expect a brown looking daughter.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 03/12/2020 11:18

I think it's normal. My youngest looks nothing like me, like we aren't even a tiny bit related. I love him unconditionally but it would be nice to see a little me of me there.

Original poster
Pktjrsmoi · 03/12/2020 11:19

Babyyodasmacarons

I don't like the way I feel. BUT I am very happy with my DD looks. I don't want her to be any different. I am tired of the nanny comments. Or ppl telling me I am lucky I had a child with "nice features... lovelt white skin". Tbh I just started feeling recently like this. I am scared to be judged.

OP posts:
Ballstothis148 · 03/12/2020 11:21

I don’t know as a parent, but as a kid who doesn’t look like any of my family... well it’s sometimes just nice to have family members who look like you. Just the simple things of people saying “oh I wouldn’t have thought you were related to them!”, and thinking I’m half/ step kid, adopted etc. Just grinds you a bit :( Probably an evolutionary thing that it feels like to “belong” and all that

41weekswithno2 · 03/12/2020 11:23

I don't think this is race thing op, you're not racist. It's perfectly natural for people to like their child looking like them.
My DS is very like me and it makes me feel really happy when people comment on it, I'm not sure why but it must be a natural evolutionary thing.
As he's gotten a little older he's started to look a bit more like DH too and when people comment that I see DH visibly brighten.
My nephew is the image of my brother and we're very alike so nephew looks like me too. When I point out nephews similarities to SIL such as his smile or whatever I can tell it makes her very happy. Niece is very like SIL and she's said how happy that makes her.

41weekswithno2 · 03/12/2020 11:24

My 4yo DS has said a couple of times that he hopes his baby brother looks like him and he's not even born yet.