Secretly hoping this baby will look more like my race

[Pktjrsmoi]

I feel awful about it. And I realise it sounds very bad. I haven't told anyone ( too afraid) but I really want to tell someone , so I picked mumsnet.

I have one DD that looks white. And I am absolutely fine with it , she looks like her father. But recently I started dreaming ( I am due in February) about an african looking baby , him having dark skin and more of my features. I keep thinking that he will come out black. The idea of being the odd one out forever when going out terrifies me , the whole " Oh it's your step kids... you're babysitting etc..."

I know I picked a white man to have my DD , but I was expecting her to be tanned-ish , not blonde with blue eyes.

I don't think I am a racist , or maybe I am. HOW DO I STOP THOSE THOUGHTS ? I am upset that I could possibly have a desire for a certain "look".

I’m white, fair hair and blue eyes and pictured my first child to be white with blonde hair and blue eyes before he was born - mixed race husband so it was statistically unlikely!! Especially the blue eyes! My first born has dark hair and light brown skin, as I should have expected!

I think the image we have in our mind of what our children will look like starts forming when we’re children ourselves and we picture our future families etc - it makes sense that we picture them looking like ourselves and that is quite an engrained image that doesn’t get altogether replaced when we choose to marry someone of a different race. It’s certainly not racist.

I 100% understand this and don’t think you’re racist. As another poster said I suspect it’s biological. I actually got round to changing my name on my passport because I hated having a different second name to my kids I wanted to own them. I also love it when people comment how much my kids look like me.

Your daughter sounds absolutely beautiful though.

Perfectly normal to feel the way you do OP. I remember distinctly when DS1 was born; the first thing I noticed was his red hair (like mine!) and I vaguely thought "Oh good" before collapsing into some sort of fugue state for 3 months honestly, if it weren't for that one characteristic we shared I think I would have struggled horribly (even more than I did anyway). Otherwise he is just like his dad.

Ironically, DS2 isn't ginger but is the spitting image of my Arab dad so I definitely think of him as a DiPulpo rather than a DHname!

Don't worry about the racism discussion, your feelings are fine.

Very very natural to want a piece of you to be apparent in your children.

This is such an interesting discussion.. I think for those of us in mixed relationships it is something you think of but perhaps don't say out loud enough.

Being South Asian and my husband being English/white- I'm very proud of my heritage (as is he!) and I want to my kids to be proud of both sides.. They will probably look somewhat mixed I think- but secretly I would love if they looked like me- because I feel they 'lose' part of their heritage if they didn't? As odd as that might sound..

It's normal to want to see yourself reflected in your children. But as one poster said it could be something different from obvious looks e.g. the way they laugh or speak or walk - their feet or ears or finger nails.

My sister was desperate for her kids not to have ginger hair (as she got bullied for it) and they didn't - but now she's sad about it and jealous of our brother's children (2 girls) who have beautiful red hair.