Secretly hoping this baby will look more like my race

[Pktjrsmoi]

I feel awful about it. And I realise it sounds very bad. I haven't told anyone ( too afraid) but I really want to tell someone , so I picked mumsnet.

I have one DD that looks white. And I am absolutely fine with it , she looks like her father. But recently I started dreaming ( I am due in February) about an african looking baby , him having dark skin and more of my features. I keep thinking that he will come out black. The idea of being the odd one out forever when going out terrifies me , the whole " Oh it's your step kids... you're babysitting etc..."

I know I picked a white man to have my DD , but I was expecting her to be tanned-ish , not blonde with blue eyes.

I don't think I am a racist , or maybe I am. HOW DO I STOP THOSE THOUGHTS ? I am upset that I could possibly have a desire for a certain "look".

DH and I are both white but I remember feeling a bit short changed when DC1 came along as the image of her dad. She still is, but to be honest I was so relieved when DC2 came along and was my mini me. I think it’s natural to want our children to resemble us.

Also with regard to mixed race children I know brothers from the same family ( also white British and east African.) The eldest is a clone of his mother in build, features etc but with the lightest skin tones and the younger is a copy of his (white) father but with dark skin tone. Just because your DC1 has one combination of genes doesn’t mean baby number two will be exactly the same.

Congratulations on your new baby OP.

@Luckyelephant1

I don't think it's racist at all, and it must be so annoying if people assume your own child isn't yours! But I'm sure once your baby comes you won't care either way as you'll have a beautiful newborn to take care of 😊

It's so interesting reading everyone's stories about their kids appearances. I'm FTM to be and our baby will be mixed race (we both have dark colouring but are different races). We've not told anyone we're expecting yet (I'm only 8 weeks) but ever since we've been together people have always said we will have beautiful babies 🙄 I almost feel a bit pressured now!

Haha we were told this constantly before we had our son. And I've been told he is beautiful by every person we meet. 🤣 he is a really shy boy and we are awaiting an autism assessment and people constantly come up to him and want to engage him or touch his hair. I don't let them as he hates it but he is ridiculously cute 🙈

The only reason I know my two are actually mine is because I gave birth to them. They look nothing like me at all, physically. However, we all sound so freakishly alike on the phone that people can often get us mixed up.

Your feelings aren’t wrong at all.

I’m mixed race, with dark hair and eyes... everyone in my immediate family looks like me.
DH is white, with hazel eyes and brown hair.

It’s quite possible our child will have blue eyes and blonde or ginger hair... but I’m hoping he will have dark hair and eyes like me.

It’s not racist to want a family resemblance.
(It would be racist to treat the child differently depending on how they look... which obviously is not what OP is saying).

@anniebu

In case of you being of solely African heritage, your one white looking child is probably a one-off. Any future kid will very likely have obvious African features (but even if they will be very dark or "black" as you put it, they will be 50% white. Your feelings about this is the answer to whether racism plays a role or not).

But if your first child came out looking straight out white rather than mixed, chances are though, you are actually of mixed heritage yourself - maybe even mostly white. Do you accept this part of your heritage (if that is the case) or do you choose to think of yourself as African and ignore your European (or possibly other) heritage? It's difficult to accept others unless you fully accept yourself.

This is a completely ignorant statement.

Some of my relations have been bullied over their natural hair because of ignorant statements and views like yours.

People seem not to understand and realise there is more genetic diversity within Africa than outside it and this includes people with 100% "African" genes.

My child looks like me facially but her hair and her body shape is that of her father's side.

@Pktjrsmoi I didn’t consider the Nanny comments and I should have really. I remember that journalist? whose kids interrupted his BBC interview and his wife was assumed to be the Nanny. It’s probably easier said than done to tell you to just ignore it but I can understand your feelings.

OP, it's so normal to want at least one dc to look like you. My dh is Italian and has very distinctive colouring- tans deeply, very dark hair and very bright blue eyes. My dd is basically the spitting image of her dad and it's always grated on me that there wasn't a single thing about her that looks like me. In the Spring they both start tanning deeply with minor sun exposure. Where as I'm much fairer and need to spend weeks and weeks in the sun to get any colour to my skin. When I was pregnant with my ds I secretly hoped for a baby that looked a little more like me and my side of the family. Anyway, he was born and he's all me- pale skin, green eyes and same facial features.

It's not racist to hope that your ds resembles you in some way. It's perfectly normal to want a child that looks like you, especially when you're doing all the hard part of growing the baby and giving birth to him.

You maybe right , but I know my feelings are wrong.

I don't think your feelings are wrong. That wasn't a dog at you at all OP.

my daughter looks like me, Chunky chubby cheeks, Auburn hair and blue eyes
my son is blonde with blue eyes which is not me and isnt his dad woh is Olive and brown eyes :S

Both of them beautiful but i do wonder if he will lose his blonde hair at some point, i hope not as it suits him so much haha

I am Black West African, my husband is White Celtic. Our son has almost white skin. In the hospital when they handed him over it was a shock but we were just happy he was healthy. Try to focus on the baby's health OP.

Admittedly people often asked me where the baby's real mother was even when I was carrying him on my chest but I didn't let it bother me. People are just naive sometimes.

Also in the end, although my son (now 6) has remained extremely white/light skin he has my face in terms of features. Aside from his colour he is a mini me.

We are all a mix of our parents. Looks don't matter. Health does, so please try to think about that instead and you'll have a happier pregnancy.

All the best to you!

It's a blindfold pick and mix genetically even when you're the same race as your partner. In the days when people had a dozen children, you would probably have had your wish. It's a matter of wait and see, and then wait and see some more because they change so much.

My last baby was a shock because she was born looking exactly like my FiL. I was not best pleased after all that effort! Yet weirdly she's the one who looks most like me now. And her siblings, who are twins, took a lot of stick when we moved across the country in their early teens. People refused to believe they were even related, despite having the same uncommon surname and being new at school at the same time. Even a few of the teachers were sceptical.

Sometimes I wish I'd gone on and had six just to see how the variations played out! I did work with one woman who had three boys in a row who were the spit of each other and I felt a bit sorry for her, though I'm sure their personalities were distinct.

I hope all goes well, OP, and your baby will be gorgeous, I'm sure.

@RedMarauder

"Some of my relations have been bullied over their natural hair because of ignorant statements and views like yours.

People seem not to understand and realise there is more genetic diversity within Africa than outside it and this includes people with 100% "African" genes."

My post was respectful. I am well aware of the great diversity within Africa, and it is impossible to encompass it in one message. Is it what you took issue with? If you think there was a factual mistake in what I said I'm open to discussion. It's plain wrong to ascribe instances of people's bullying to a completely unrelated person on the internet, and I have always stood up against racial bullying.

I'm the opposite. DH has beautiful Mediterranean skin - tans fantastically and he hasn't got one wrinkle at 55. I was so hoping DC would get his skin (and lovely brown eyes) but no, she got my crappy Irish skin. I'm still a bit pissed off about that.

For those saying, "what if she was wishing for a white child?", you might want to read some history books. There's not quite the same undertones there.

For those saying, "what if she was wishing for a white child?", you might want to read some history books. There's not quite the same undertones there.

I don’t need to I am black 😬

Its not racist OP. Its completely normal for any woman to dream of having a 'mini me' that looks like you. Don't feel bad about it.

I think your feelings are normal. Race is obviously a sensitive issue but if you were the same race but you had different facial features, for example, I think it would be normal to want your children to look like you. I'm sure I read somewhere that lots of mothers want the babies to look more like them.

And it's fairly common in mixed-race families for there to a difference in skin tones between siblings.

@Babyyodasmacarons

For those saying, "what if she was wishing for a white child?", you might want to read some history books. There's not quite the same undertones there.

I don’t need to I am black 😬

I'm lost as to what your point is then. Or are you pretending that there hasn't been a long shameful history of white skin/features being considered more desirable than black in most of the world?

I've got 3 sons - all completely different to each other. You never can tell how your kids will turn out. Genetics are so interesting.
I also think it's natural to want to see a resemblance to yourself in your child, especially for women because we go through a lot to have babies.

I’m saying you don’t need to educate me on racism thanks. I’ve experienced it myself as has my DP (white). Have you?

Also you don’t get to impose your narrative on me or pick on what I said to try and discredit it.

I made the comment that if it was the other way around, people’s posts would have been reported. How is that right?

I’ve had comments about my DP being white as much as DP has about me. Racism is wrong as we shouldn’t excuse racism towards anyone from anyone. It’s not more acceptable one way because of history, which is what you’re saying.

Anyway I am dipping out of this thread now so OP’s question doesn’t get lost in some sort of bun fight.

Everybody wants their DC to look like them (except if you hate the way you look I guess).
I remember my annoyance when MIL kept saying my newborn looked just like people from her side of the family.

The race aspect adds a layer to it but I don't think it makes it racism, it is just that races has a big impact on looks.

Babyyodasmacarons are you saying that it wouldn't be politically correct for a white OP to say she would want her DC to be white and not black?
If yes I see your point - and agree, people would report etc - even though answers here have proven that it is not a race issue.

Ok haven't rtft but perfectly normal op I also have a mix of colouring in my dc and love the fact that some are brown like me so that part of my (our) heritage hasn't been erased completely. Living in an overwhelmingly white area makes it mean so much more. Also it's nice not to suffer being treated like a baby snatcher!

I think your feelings are perfectly normal OP.

My DS is the absolute image of my husband and his side of the family (it's uncanny when we look at photos of his uncle, DH brother, at same age - it's like the same child in different fashioned clothing). It did mildly annoy me for a while when people went on about it SO much.

However now he's a teen and has developed a highly sarcastic and dark sense of humour so that's where my side of the family comes in

My ds is the spitting image of his dad but a more beautiful version. My dd has a lot of me in her. It is nice to be able to see it. It is entirely normal to want to see your heritage reflected in your children, remember many change as they get older. When my dd was born she had blonde hair and eyebrows and was a very fair baby. We are both Asian, have Asian parents and grandparents. Dd just has very light skin like me (for an asian) whilst ds's is beautiful and brown. When dh took dd out without me people assumed that she was a mixed race baby as she is a lot lighter skinned than her dad, this was hurtful to me as though two Asian parents couldn't have produced her. Her hair didn't stay blonde and after we shaved it a few times came in a beautiful auburn colour.

You don't sound racist at all, your dd favours her dad in some ways, maybe this child will favour you, maybe they will both change as they get older.