Safe space for those with negative feelings around pregnancy/birth/babies

[curiouscat1987]

All the expectations seem to be that you should feel excited, happy and bubbly about the whole thing, and i think for a lot of people its just not that straightforward, so I wanted to make a thread to be a safe space for those feeling mostly (or even entirely!) negative feelings about pregnancy, birth,babies etc.

If you dont personally agree that its ok/understandable/whatever to have negative feelings then whilst you are 100% entitled to your opinion I would kindly ask that you refrain from posting on this thread as its intended to be a safe space to discuss such things - thank you!

I'll kick off and throw this out there and hope someone joins me!

Im 10 weeks pregnant currently with a planned baby. I am not excited and just feel terrified to be honest. It doesnt help that im not a baby person and havent ever felt broody! My main feeling apart from fear is that its just gonna be insanely hard work.

Anyone else fancy sharing their feelings?

I’m single and terrified. Unplanned. Not how I imagined being pregnant would be at all. Also 10 weeks. Don’t get me wrong, baby is very much wanted but I’m terrified of how I’m going to cope alone - financially, emotionally, physically. The worries are getting in the way of any excitement I feel like I should be feeling.

Not to sound cheesy but thank you for sharing @swiftt its can be hard to admit to negative feelings about it!
Are you in contact with the dad at all or are you not involving them? Is there anyone that can help relieve some of the burden?

Hi OP, I've been thinking about starting a similar thread.
I'm nearly 30 weeks pregnant with my third. A child I very much wanted for years, then talked myself out of it and we decided to stick with our 2 boys. I'm now pregnant with a girl but my youngest is 7 and he was a nightmare baby so I'm stressing about having pnd again, and feeling the way I did then. Also self employed so extremely worried about money when having time off, and we live in a 2 bed house and can't move anytime soon, but even with all that my main worry is the birth. I'm terrified. I feel like I greave no right to be though as both my previous labours have been fine. First was just long, second was very quick, so quick I had no time for pain relief by the time I got to the hospital and was home the same day, so I have never had a terrible experience like some poor women, but I'm so scared and cry about it most days.

I used to be quite maternal, but as I've gotten older I don't really feel that anymore so I completely understand what you mean (even although I look after children for a living 😂).
Honestly though, you will feel completely different about your own child. You may not love the whole parenting experience, but you will love your baby and do what you have to do, and you will go through periods and stages that you love.

@swiftt

I was single when I had my first and honestly found it easier than with the second.

My baby is now 18 months but I didn’t bond in any way shape or form during pregnancy and basically tried to ignore it was happening. Having suffered many miscarriage pregnancy was a surprise and i ignored / was negative towards it throughout.

I had been through bereavement counseling & was prepared to be childless... I had dealt with the grief and was actually quite angry and annoyed that this thing was coming along to change my life. I went through all the scans / appointments etc with a non emotional pragmatic approach until they induced me. It took me a few months to bond but now I can’t imagine life without them.

Sorry if my experience isn’t the same as you are experiencing but I wanted to say that your negatively isn’t unusual.

@curiouscat1987 I definitely think it’s healthy to get these things out. Especially when you sometimes feel like the odd one out for not feeling as you ‘should’. I’m not a maternal or broody person either, have hardly had any real contact with kids so have no bloody idea what to do with them! but I guess we just figure it out. Have you a date for your 12 week scan yet? I’m hoping after that point I’ll start to feel more positively about everything, but at the moment I think I’m just in a bit of a negative bubble!

I am in contact with him, and I think that’s part of the problem. When I first told him, he was excited and supportive and we agreed we’d see how things went with the two of us. We were seeing other each other, still sleeping together etc. Fast forward just a couple of weeks and he’s out drinking whenever he’s free, never asks how I am, I haven’t seen him for over 2 weeks and just totally feeling like he’s avoiding me. Last time I saw him, I turned up at his place in tears (partly blaming the hormones...) because I was having a meltdown about him disappearing and me doing this alone. He said I was being silly, that nothing had changed and that I need to ‘chill out’. It just feels like he’s so inconsiderate and immature and I’m really worried about how he’ll be in the future.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion thanks, that’s reassuring.

I’m 15 weeks and so far I’ve hated every single minute of being pregnant. Can wait for the arrival but the pregnancy part is pure shit.

I am overwhelmed with anxiety about my parents' reaction when they find out. I'm their only child, married in a different country.
I want to let myself be excited and happy but all I can do is brace for all the advice and opinions. I have reached out to a therapist and will hopefully get started soon.
Wishing you all good health and courage

I'm 9 weeks. Unplanned. Still in debt from last years wedding- which I'm hoping to pay off by deb, but I feel I need lots of savings for a baby. Im in the Middle of my 3rd degree but alongside a very stable job- in neonatatology. Everyone will think that I'm made for this... im dreading it. I feel sick 24/7, I'm exhausted and I feel fat. I use to run/gym; I'm too exhausted and now its dark and gyms have been closed. I hate the way I look and feel I dispise this baby for ruining my life plans. I always saw myself as a career woman and medicine was my thing. Not baby groups covered in vomit and Peppa pig. Now I feel so selfish for saying this . I know I should be delighted. But I feel miserable. I know my midwife personally and I dont know who to tell.

I feel the same. I'm 19 weeks pregnant with baby two. I have a 19 month old toddler who I love dearly but is immensely hard work and I can't help but feel I've made a huge mistake getting pregnant again so soon.

My first I would say I didn't really like for the first 6 weeks or so as I was traumatised by birth and I'm worried I'll feel the same again this time

Thank you @Iminaglasscaseofemotion its nice to hear we're not alone, and certainly interesting to hear that its not necessarily restricted to first babies! And thanks for your reassuring words.

In terms of financial worries (which im guessing will be a common theme!) has anyone else been creating spreadsheets and stuff? I tasked my oh with researching financial stuff that might be useful - any relevant benefits, vouchers, grants etc. I also discovered that my health insurance policy through work gives £100 cashback per baby which seemed random so definitely worth checking in unexpected places!

@ECoby I would have said I was a complete career woman before baby 1 and had the exact same feeling last that you have. Not maternal in the slightest and no experience with kids but I've done a complete 180 since baby 1 and now I'd happily never work again

@suziedoozy thank you so much, bonding is definitely something im worried about as i dont have the broodiness/feeling towards it now and worried will persist after birth. What did you do to help you get to a 'better' place with it, or did you just plough through and put up a front?

Would also describe my approach as pragmatic, unemotional (except the terror) and realistic!

@swiftt im really sorry to hear, that does sound pants and i think id feel pretty much the same aside from also furious! For what its worth, id approach the situation as 'plan for the worse amd hope for the best' if that makes sense, so if you expect he wont step up and be what you need then at the least you wont feel as let down and shocked if it happens, and if it doesnt happen then will be a lovely surprise! Either way, i bet youve got this, even if you dont know it yet. People always amaze me with their strength, particularly single parents, and i bet you will too

I had a private scan and nipt test this evening actually and have my nhs one on 27th nov, you?

@Fruitloops34 god isnt it!!! I dont understand how anyone enjoys being pregnant tbh but everyone is different!

@Cherrypicker85 what are you worried their reaction will be thats made you so anxious?

@curiouscat1987 thank you, I’ll be okay because I have to be but I just can’t shake the feeling of being so alone at the moment. Thank god for MN! oh fab, that’s not too long to wait. I’ve had an early scan and got my NHS one on the 1st a December. I think once I’m able to share the news I’ll feel a bit more positive too, hopefully. I’m sure I’ll have lots of support from family and friends but it’s hard to feel that way whilst they’re in the dark!

@ECoby im trying not to focus and what i 'should' feel and just working on acknowledging and accepting what i do feel, with the logic that then i can work on taking steps to change it if i want to.

I feel you over the career vs baby groups persona feelings - part of never being a baby person means ive never seen myself that way and struggle to reconcile the idea with how i see myself. Its helpful for me to remind myself there are plenty of parents out there who do things their way - theres no rule we have to do baby groups, peppa pig, or any of the rest of it, as long as the baby is cared for you do also need to consider what makes you happy too!

I'm currently nearly 29 weeks pregnant, I guess I have the "perfect situation", I'm 26, married to an amazing man, own my home, have a good job etc but I just don't feel anything towards the baby, he wasn't planned. Very much a lockdown accident - I'm useless and I don't think I'm going to be a very good mum, I had Hyperemesis in my first trimester and I haven't had a good night sleep in about 12 weeks, it's gross feeling him move round inside of me, I know (hope) I'll love him and be able to be a good mum, I just feel awful and useless.

@trippingoverrainbows god that sounds awful, do you think your birth experience coloured your feelings towards your baby?

@curiouscat1987 my parents have a habit of highlighting obvious issues in case they haven't crossed my mind. So I'm expecting comments like: how are you going to manage without help from family closeby/ you should come back to give birth and stay for the first year / make sure the name reflects our heritage / make sure the baby learns both languages / find a european school / make sure you cook healthy food etc.

@curiouscat1987 I don't think it helped but honestly I didn't really enjoy the pregnancy either and just wanted it all to be over. In hindsight I probably had a bit of PND and didn't address it at the time as it seemed to lift after around 6 weeks x

@curiouscat1987 do you think the pandemic is affecting how you feel about pregnancy or do you think you'd feel this way anyway?