Safe space for those with negative feelings around pregnancy/birth/babies

[curiouscat1987]

All the expectations seem to be that you should feel excited, happy and bubbly about the whole thing, and i think for a lot of people its just not that straightforward, so I wanted to make a thread to be a safe space for those feeling mostly (or even entirely!) negative feelings about pregnancy, birth,babies etc.

If you dont personally agree that its ok/understandable/whatever to have negative feelings then whilst you are 100% entitled to your opinion I would kindly ask that you refrain from posting on this thread as its intended to be a safe space to discuss such things - thank you!

@swiftt im so glad youre confident of lots of support from people, are you going to tell them soon?

So glad you made this post! I'm 20 weeks with a totally planned baby and I'm not excited one bit. I felt my first kick this week and we saw the baby kick (I can feel it right now) and I hate the feeling. It makes me cringe so badly and j want it to stop but I know it's only going to get worse and stronger! I feel so guilty as I really do want this baby and I'm so sure it's just the unknown that it freaking me out!

I hate the extra attention, I hate wearing tight clothes to show of my bump too.

@Betty94 Haha youre the first person ive heard say they dont like the feeling of them moving and honestly i am SO relieved, thank you for your honesty!! Im not looking forward to feeling it AT ALL and keep thinking of the scene in alien....im sure you know the one i mean! Is it physically unpleasant or psychologically for you?

[quote curiouscat1987]@Betty94 Haha youre the first person ive heard say they dont like the feeling of them moving and honestly i am SO relieved, thank you for your honesty!! Im not looking forward to feeling it AT ALL and keep thinking of the scene in alien....im sure you know the one i mean! Is it physically unpleasant or psychologically for you?[/quote]
Physically, the kicking is fine and makes me feel relieved knowing he's okay but if he rolls or moves, it feels really alien and makes me cringe a little bit - I know people say it's magical and wonderful but I don't feel it like that, I love my baby and I can't wait to meet him but I don't like him moving around inside of me 😂 although he kicked my vagina the other day and got his foot in my ribs - they were both extremely unpleasant.

@PurpleishDahlia Ahhh sounds tricky. Can you tell them that in the nicest possible way you know they mean well but can they tone down the 'useful' advice unless asked for as its making you stressed?

@trippingoverrainbows I would 100% feel this way as i always have done! Its not a surprise to me as i didnt expect it would change (although was hopeful), and it hasnt!

I feel like I'm quite unemotional and pragmatic towards the experience of raising my daughter and have been since quite soon after I found out I was pregnant. I was very emotional and excited when I found out but when the dad found out he showed me no emotion at all and acted like it was just a thing (possibly because he was hiding that he had been through it before with previous hidden children). I left him immediately.
Since then I've felt underwhelmed by the whole thing (apart from being completely overwhelmed by the tough parts etc) and I think part of it was not being able to share my joy and excitement with anyone and look forward with it. I look forward with it all alone and I can't exactly tell my daughter yes I'm looking forward to this stage of raising her etc, as to her it's just her life. Thanks for making this space.

@JTB123 given youre the second person in this thread to say that im thinking perhaps its a lot more common than i thought! Im not looking forward to that part. Is it painful or just like squeamishly weird?

@Betty94 Sorry that made me cringe and laugh at the same time at the thought of being kicked in the vajayjay from the freaking inside omg! And the rib thing, yeh that does not sound fun. Id be tempted to poke them back to stop it honestly!

I've been hoping to find a thread like this.

I'm 13 weeks pregnant with baby #3

My last pregnancy I had severe preeclampsia and delivered at 30 weeks under general anaesthetic.

I want this baby, but I feel like I'm surrounded by stories of baby loss and I'm terrified of getting PE and having another premature baby.

Although there's a long way to go, there's a real possibility that I'll have to go through all that again, but this time with very little support because of covid rules.

Also, the thought of leaving my toddler with just her dad looking after her while I'm in hospital makes me anxious.

I'm scared I'll die and leave my children without a mother.

@Welikebeingcosy youre welcome Is there no one in your life you can sgare with emotionally? What about support type groups?

@Nia18 You poor thing. That sounds very scary and not surprising youre worried. Have you discussed it with your doctor?

Why are you anxious about their dad having them? Do you not trust his care, or does he not have enough practice at it? Could you maybe help him get 'better' at it whilst youre pregnant to help alleviate your concerns?

Hate being pregnant absolutely loathe it. I suffer from HG and am one of those unfortunate ones who gets it the whole way through. Was throwing up in labour last time and fully expect to be this time.

For me it is 9 months of hell. Bed bound basically apart from trips to hospital for fluids.

That is alongside the actual physical parts of being pregnant, which seem to have affected me worse this time round. Severe bad back, really bad constipation, breathlessness.

Love my son and feel bonded to the baby but hate the process so much. So much so I am getting sterilised alongside my section next week. 38 weeks and 6 days left.

So glad to have found this thread.
13 weeks with a wanted and planned baby, but I don’t feel excited or maternal at all.
Friends and family are giddy for us, and I just feel scared. Scared of being crap parents, scared of health issues. I didn’t realise how much weight I’d put on in lockdown and now I’m sick and tired and it’s dark so early, I can’t even do much activity and only want to eat carbs.
Somewhat reassured that my booking bloods seem fine and the scan was OK yesterday (had convinced myself there would be nuchal thickness issues) but honestly I’m not enjoying it at all

I felt very negative when I was pregnant, also totally grossed out by the fact there was a human growing inside me, and terrified I would feel the same antipathy when he arrived and wouldn't love him. I actually got a lot of solace looking at old mumsnet threads about these kinds of feelings and realising that they're not abnormal, it's just nobody really talks about them. Whenever you hear about negative feelings it's always fears about not being a good parent, losing freedom etc - but it's still always assumed you're happy about being pregnant and ultimately excited about meeting your baby. I wasn't. He's now 3 and while I wouldn't exactly say I love being a parent, I do love my son very much and thankfully felt that love pretty quickly.

I'm so glad other people feel a bit weird about the baby moving inside them. Its a horrible feeling. My last bruised be he was so big and violent 😂. This one never stops. I had HG for the first 6 months, its only just easing off, but I'm still on medication and the feeling of her moving around makes me feel even more sick.
The eepless nights are awful. I get so thirst at night and then am up peeing constantly. Cant get comfy, just sore all over, so when people say ah get as much sleep as you can before she comes, I just want to punch them in the face!

That is alongside the actual physical parts of being pregnant, which seem to have affected me worse this time round. Severe bad back, really bad constipation, breathlessness.

Me too! Since a couple of weeks after I found out! I don't remember that with the last 2 until the later stages but my back has been killing me since around 9 weeks. It actually feels better now at 30 weeks than it did in the first and second trimester. I've also put on 3 stone which could account for the breathlessness and back ache.

Thank you for making this thread.

I'm 31 weeks with my first, a much wanted and tried for baby conceived naturally after a couple of stressful years TTC including a failed round of IVF.

I'm really happy to be pregnant, and no longer feel that constant ache that I had when I was struggling with infertility - like I could never truly be happy or fill that hole inside me.

But, at the same time I'm not finding it the magical experience I'd built up in my head. For me a large part of wanting a baby was to experience pregnancy. I've been really lucky so far - no morning sickness, a neat bump, no major aches or pains. But it's not the transcendent experience I had in mind. Like some others I find the movements a bit creepy! I have a small bump but a normal sized baby, according to a 28 week growth scan, so I guess she's not got a lot of room in there and I can feel / see body parts poking out quite often. I get anxious when I don't feel her for a while so I do feel happy and reassured when she is wriggling around, but it is a bit Alien-esque. I find it hard to comprehend that there's an actual person in there and don't really feel bonded to her - I feel very self-conscious talking to the bump.

I'm also not in love with the lack of control over my body and the permanent changes that are going to happen. I never thought I'd care that much, but as a former size 6 marathon runner I do find myself worrying that I'll never get that back.

Also, as I'm WFH with not a lot to do, I have a lot of time to worry and catastrophise (I do a lot of that anyway). My DH's family does not have great health (pretty much every member of his family has a major health issue) so I worry about him getting ill, or our child inheriting an illness. I worry about whether I will make a good mum - even at the age of 35 I don't feel grown-up enough compared to other mums I see. I don't really feel broody around babies - I feel self-conscious talking to them even though I know you are supposed to do that all the time. And we're having a girl, while I really always imagined (OK, and wanted) boys. Logically I know there are loads of good things about girls and she will be exactly who I'm meant to have, but at the moment I just can't imagine feeling the same way about a girl as a boy.

So all in all, I have quite a few things going on! Overall I am excited and very happy, I'm hoping that these other feelings are a normal part of preparing for a massive change in my life. Hopefully thinking them through at this stage will help me develop strategies for dealing with them before the madness of baby-geddon. It's good to see that I'm not alone in some of these mixed feelings though.

I'm 10 weeks with baby number 3.
My first 2 were with my now ex husband and my youngest is 8. Both pregnancies we deemed as embarrassing for him, he didn't acknowledge it at all, didn't particularly want kids but he is an ok dad to them. I did all the leg work though, all the night feeds, all the baths everything.

This one is with my 'new' partner who has a 4 year old from a previous relationship.
So for him, it's a decent age gap. But for me, 8 years I a long time. I'm used to my sleep, I'm used to the kids being able to do stuff for themselves, I'm used to having my body being mine.
I'm not going to lie, I have found myself awake wondering what the heck I'm doing! But then I remind myself that it was both our choice, I am more than supported, he is beyond excited about the baby and already talks to my tummy 🤣
I know he's a great dad, he will do more than his fair share of the night feeds, we'll be grand.
Hopefully the excitement will come for me.

Wish this thread had been around when I was pregnant! I’ve got a seven week old baby and I really did not enjoy being pregnant. I felt quite guilty at times because I had a very “good” pregnancy - was low risk and didn’t have any particularly bad symptoms/effects, but I just hated the underlying physical discomfort of the whole thing - feeling a bit grotty & nauseous, feeling stretched out, getting kicked and head butted, random 4am wake-ups, slow deterioration of ab strength etc etc.

Now my lovely baby is here and I feel the same about breastfeeding tbh. It’s been completely issue-free but I just don’t like it! I am someone who needs my personal space so that’s part of it.

I think expressing these kinds of thoughts and feelings is hard, as many people then take it that you are not happy about the child or struggling in some way but it’s healthy to get the niggles out there by sharing with other adults. Particularly once they are born - The less you are suppressing your own feelings, the more space you have for your child’s needs. I say this as someone who has worked with kids and has some basic therapeutic training.

I'm 18 weeks with my first (and only!) baby was very much planned - two years of infertility and ivf.
But the entire pregnancy I have felt like shit, I'm terrified I will never feel 'normal' again

Second pregnancy (unplanned) got over the shock and figured all would be ok found out it was twins... took me ages to get my head around it, has took me until very very recently (currently 33 weeks) to feel remotely excited about it. I love my little boy 20 months old and I'm terrified of how it will affect him. He's going through a pain in the ass stage as it is. I'm sure he's gearing up for terrible 2s. I try not to think of how much easier it would have been to just be one baby because I would be completely devastated if something happened to one of them! Now I'm just worried about finances, we have most of the stuff we need for them we're having 2 boys and I hadn't got round to sorting and getting rid of first sons things what has helped a little.

Thanks for starting this thread @curiouscat1987!

I'm 40 weeks pregnant with a planned & very much longed for 2nd child but I still keep thinking what have we done & how will I cope with 2. Our daughter is 7 so I've got used to having a decent night's sleep & enjoying a bit of freedom. I keep thinking we must be insane to be going back to the sleepless nights, nappies & toilet training again! Can't stop worrying about finances either & how much of a struggle it will be with an extra one to provide for.
I've hated every minute of pregnancy, I had hyperemesis for the first 20 weeks. Not had any issues other than that so I know I'm lucky but I feel like crap most days & everything hurts so much. I can't sleep & hate not being able to do much. Whilst I can't wait to not be pregnant any more I'm terrified about how I'm going to cope when baby arrives. It seems like a long time since I had my daughter, I've forgotten everything! I'm dreading breastfeeding as well because I hated it last time. I just want my body back to myself and back to normal. But then I feel guilty & selfish for thinking that! Hoping I feel more positive when baby makes her appearance

Thanks for this thread. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and feeling so down at the moment. I'm so tired and irritable and I'm stuck at home with my 3yo all day. I feel stupid because this baby was planned but now we're in lockdown again I just feel so depressed about covid and not being able to go anywhere. I'm also really worried about how I'm gonna cope with two kids, especially if this one turns out to be another terrible sleeper...

I'm going to go with 'ambivalent' and 'apprehensive' about my pregnancy, which is in theory planned and wanted but given that the gap in between 'yay lets have another baby' and ' FML that's a positive line' was five years, was still totally unexpected.

In those five years I went from 40 to 45, and my youngest went from 5yrs to 10yrs. Parenting at 45 years old with teen/preteen children feels like our lives are in a TOTALLY difference place than they were when we discussed this, and they were 5 and 9.

How on earth will be body recover from pregnancy and birth at 45? Will I ever feel attractive and glowing again? Or did I stupidly just trade the last few years of 'still got it' for 'sleep deprived grey hag with a baby hanging off her'?

How do we plan holidays for five of us spanning nearly 50years across all ages?

Will the other 20/30-something mums at baby groups look at me like I'm some Daily Mail 'shocker old mum' and recoil from the mad old bint who thought having a baby at 45 was a good idea?

Will our current friends dump us because having a toddler along when we visit is a PITA when you've moved out of that life-stage yourself?

Can we afford to keep up our lifestyle after this? What if we can't, and this child has to have markedly less than we afforded for the first two? Will they all resent us?

6 weeks to go. Too late to turn back now. I've actually hardly told a soul outside of immediate family that we're
expecting as Im rather dreading the schadenfreude forced smiles of congratulations and and as lockdown means no one has physically seen me outside of the car window since March, I've been able to get away with it so far.
Going to get harder to conceal after Christmas 😬.

Anyway. As you can see. Not all glowing skin and baby-shower-zoom-parties and pinterest-nurseries here. Cathartic to say (write!) it out though. Thanks for starting the thread. Love to all of the others also not feeling-the-approved-feels x