Safe space for those with negative feelings around pregnancy/birth/babies

[curiouscat1987]

All the expectations seem to be that you should feel excited, happy and bubbly about the whole thing, and i think for a lot of people its just not that straightforward, so I wanted to make a thread to be a safe space for those feeling mostly (or even entirely!) negative feelings about pregnancy, birth,babies etc.

If you dont personally agree that its ok/understandable/whatever to have negative feelings then whilst you are 100% entitled to your opinion I would kindly ask that you refrain from posting on this thread as its intended to be a safe space to discuss such things - thank you!

26 weeks here FTM. i got told i was infertile so its a shock for me. Im also going through this with no family support. To add to things one potential dad is white the other black. I want to feel happy but all i feel is overwhelemed and scared that i wont cope. Sure when i have a scan or hear the heartbeat it makes me smile but i wouldnt say happy. All i keep thinking is oh god im pregnant follwed by oh god im going to be a mum. I know im having a girl and have a few outfits but thats is so far so maybe im under perared. Also suffering daily sickness and headaches so i just feel like pregnancy is a slog and im really not enjoying it

I already have a 3 year old and we have a great relationship. In theory I’m happy about having another baby, but really I’m worried about losing the relationship I have with my daughter. She starts primary school next September and I’m really hoping that some things will open up again before I lose all my time with her. We had so many plans for this year (the last year to do things on a school day), but then lockdown meant we had to cancel them all. I was also hoping to go back to school and work myself when she started full time. I’ve been a stay at home mum for almost 4 years now and I’ve loved it, but I wanted to reclaim some of my old identity...I guess I’ll be doing that in a few years instead

I have hyperemesis gravidarum. I was very eager to get pregnant and it took 6 months but now I’m 18 weeks I feel very “meh.” I’ve been hospitalised, signed off sick for weeks and barely leave the house. I miss going to work in my nice Hobbs dresses and heels. Now I wear maternity dresses and leggings.

I had pictured myself waltzing around on the tube with my baby on board badge dressed like the Duchess of Cambridge when she was pregnant. The reality is lying in bed in my PJs eating frazzles.

DH and I call the baby “the parasite.”

@Funkypolar god yes, The D of C has a lot to answer for when it comes to setting a high bar for pregnancy chic! A combination of lockdown lacklustre, limited budget and rainy weather means I pretty much always look obese and dull in my huge sweaters and on-the-third-day-because-everything-else-is-in-the-wash-or-doesn't-fit maternity jeans and wellies. I'd be freezing in those swoosy hobbs dresses, and ballet pumps/low courts wouldn't last 2 minutes in our countryside mud..

Im 13 weeks and we told our families last week. My in laws were over the moon (they have been asking for 10 years when we are going to start a family)
My parents (I'm an only child, and don't have a great relationship with) gave me an expected underwhelming response! "Was it planned" "are you happy"

My main worry at the moment is feeding. My mother in law is a massive cheerleader for breastfeeding and pretty much decides any woman who doesn't breastfeed is a bad mother or didn't try hard enough. I'm torn as to what to do and struggling to find anyone to have an unbiased conversation with about it. Even the information online seems very geared towards breastfeeding. She even bought me a book from the dark ages about breastfeeding as her first gift to me.

Yes! Love this thread. I feel guilty telling people my experience in case they interpret it as 'ungrateful'.
I'm 24 weeks pregnant with first and have felt really rubbish the whole time. I had bad nausea and sickness (still do). I've gone off almost all food, really everything tastes rubbish even chocolate and I miss it so badly, it really gets me down that nothing I eat tastes good and I watch youtube videos of cooking because I still remember how good things used to taste. Also the smell or taste of onions and garlic make me vomit and I've become a truffle dog for them, smelling even the slightest milligram of even just powder in a product. And they are in everything!! I wish I had cravings when people ask me! I'm also exhausted, achy, have bad reflux so I prop myself up on pillows to sleep, and so emotional, and feel so down. So so down. And people tell me it gets worse before the end! I'm just counting down the days until I can get myself and my body back.

Also the rubbish weather and lockdown doesn't help

@Funkypolar same here with the hypremisis im currently 26wks and in same postion. Midwife gave me some cyclizine and that takes the edge off have they given you anything if not id pester them for something to take the edge off

I have found my people! I'm 17 weeks with my second and hating it so far, as I did last time. I hate my body changing, it actually repulses me and I know it's just going to get worse.

I hate how people treat you differently and look at you differently, I like being autonomous and hate the attention that pregnancy brings! Also having nightmares about how I will cope as I feel I've gotten used to sleeping 6 hour streches again.

And I wanted to go on holiday with my daughter next year now I feel I will never get away again and be broke forever!

@CMAYF11 please ignore your MIL, that is really unfair to put that kind of pressure on you! Do what works best for you be that breastfeeding or not. Either way ignore her

Totally understand your worries about life changing and not having that maternal feeling, but you can still have a life even with a baby and kids. You just need to plan it a bit more. You haven’t got that spontaneous freedom anymore where you and the partner can just go out for a meal 1 night, or book a holiday last minute, but with good parents and trust, you can still have a life. It really doesn’t end just because you have kids. Kids will obviously be your priority, but one thing me and my partner have always said when we have our baby, is we won’t be those parents that suddenly drops all our friends. We won’t be those parents that doesn’t go to any friends parties because we couldn’t find a baby sitter. There will be times when me and my partner share and one of us can go out, so it’s all about team work to. I think if you have a stable relationship and a supporting family, you can’t really go wrong.

I’m really struggling to enjoy this pregnancy - I breezed pregnancy with my first, I was practically Mother Nature herself wafting around in floaty dresses and lovingly caressing my bump (I was probably such an annoying tit during that pregnancy 🙈)

Then I had the birth from hell, breastfeeding from hell, I didn’t bond with baby and felt I’d lost all sense of identity. I was a career gal before getting pregnant with DS, and I never realised how utterly massive a part of my identity that was.

I only started bonding at 16 weeks, but suffered PTSD and severe post natal anxiety which ruined my maternity leave and my enjoyment of being a mum. I started KIT days when he was 6 months and was back at work not long after. Then I regretted going back haha!

The only reassurance I had that I loved him and was cut out for motherhood once he was born, was that “mama bear” instinct was strong and savage. He was very sick due to breastfeeding and I was so protective of him. So even though I didn’t feel like I loved him and had no idea what to do with him, that little polar bear in my chest that growled when a random tried to put their hand in the pram was my best friend during that awful time. I still say the newborn days were some of the most harrowing of my life.

And I find babies insanely, mind numbingly boring. I’m definitely much more confident parenting a toddler than a baby. I probably really started to enjoy motherhood once he was 12m+, and really felt complete when I was able to start a new role that worked better with family life.

I’m 19 weeks with baby 2, and really am not enjoying this pregnancy at all - I’ve still got hyperemesis, my section scar aches and pulls, I’m not sleeping, trapped wind, heartburn! There just isn’t a huge amount to enjoy right now.

I’m also utterly dreading the c section recovery already and the newborn bit.

However - I have the beauty of hindsight this time, and I keep reminding myself that the newborn bit and birth recovery is very temporary and will be over before I know it. “This too shall pass!”

I also know and remind myself often that even if I don’t feel a bond immediately, it’s possible to work at it and have the most beautiful connection to your little one - my DS is 3 now and he’s the light of my life, I couldn’t imagine being without him, life would be very boring in comparison.

Career wise, it’s actually set me on a more direct path to my desired position as I’ve been able to change teams and role to better suit having a child (I travelled a lot in my last role).

So rest assured to those who are panicking (and myself!). It’s absolutely ok not to enjoy pregnancy, it’s ok if you don’t feel the much fabled rush of love, it’s ok to be utterly terrified - it’ll be ok ❤️

Thrilled I've found this thread! I'm very very early pregnant (4 weeks), and it was very much planned but I can't get over how awkward & uncomfortable I feel.

I hate being the centre of attention, so whilst I know the baby will be very loved by our family, I'm already dreading telling them (if everything goes ok) once I get to 12 weeks. It makes me feel really uneasy, very difficult to explain.

I think it's the lack of control over my own body I hate the thought of too, and the worry that I'll just be 'Someone's mum' once they're born. I can't see myself enjoying pregnancy at all, which makes me feel a bit sad but it just makes me feel very unlike 'me'.

Glad to hear there are others who feel (even slightly) similar xx

Thank you for creating this thread. It's a relief reading everyone's messages.

I know it was naive of me but I expected to love pregnancy. I wanted to be happy, excited, active, glowing... I am 10 weeks and I absolutely hate it. I mostly hate that the feeling of not being 'myself'. I hate almost all the food, I can't enjoy evenings with my husband because I'm so tired that I go to bed at 8pm. I am so exhausted but none of my friends know about pregnancy yet so I need to keep making up excuses about not being able to meet up (following the rules of course). I'm also worried about losing my job because I'm just not as productive. It's all in my head, my job is great and it'll be ok but still.

It's such a good feeling to finally admit all these things!

@MillyJS

Thrilled I've found this thread! I'm very very early pregnant (4 weeks), and it was very much planned but I can't get over how awkward & uncomfortable I feel.

I hate being the centre of attention, so whilst I know the baby will be very loved by our family, I'm already dreading telling them (if everything goes ok) once I get to 12 weeks. It makes me feel really uneasy, very difficult to explain.

I think it's the lack of control over my own body I hate the thought of too, and the worry that I'll just be 'Someone's mum' once they're born. I can't see myself enjoying pregnancy at all, which makes me feel a bit sad but it just makes me feel very unlike 'me'.

Glad to hear there are others who feel (even slightly) similar xx

I couldn’t agree more with this, I feel exactly the same.

@olivetreemumtobe So glad it's not just me!

Just posting again as having a hard time with how my body is changing, I'm only half way through and it's just going to get worse! I hate the way I look as I'm normally really small and feel like a freak right now! Anyone else feel like that?

@KylieKangaroo Is this your first? I feel the same but am much earlier on, I just don't feel like myself and don't want to talk about it in real life. I think people think I'm crazy but I hate being the centre of attention & just don't want to talk about it 🙈 This sounds awful but pregnancy to me is something I just have to get through to 'get' my future children. I'm dreading the physical changes; like you I've always been slim & I don't know how I'll cope feeling really unlike myself and the changes afterwards.

No it's my second! Good thing is I did feel back to myself once my daughter was here, just this part I hate like you say I hate attracting attention too!

@KylieKangaroo That's reassuring! Did you feel the same as you do now with your first? This is my first so it's all very new. It's only temporary but it feels very permanent when it's happening!